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not sure where to put this so ill try it here...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
ive been seeing a girl for nearly six months and we met sorta through our "mental health" problems. i have something like depression and so does she, where both self harmers and i want to kill myself.
weve been quite happy as we are, anything negative about the relationship has always come from me being unable to accept her love.

last night i had an "episode", wich hasnt happened for months. i was giving the (dare i say it) usual abuse that comes with my episode. i just cant help but be a fucking shit but i try my best for her. so this makes it my fault, i accept that entirly.

she said that if i dont book an appointment at the doctors, she wont come and see me this weekend. (its a long distance). i havnt seen her for a month this weekend, and ive got the easter holliday off. ive taken this as a hint that she doesnt want to be with me, but shes still saying that she loves me to bits but she still wont come unless i got to the doctors.

i know im doing the worng thing here, but i refuse to go to the docs. im not sitting in a room with some dickhead i dont know wanting me to tell the all my problems. ive tried it befor and now i cant even look at them. its getting me all so fucking angry!!!!!!!!!!!

the problem is that if she does confirm the split, then my whole world is gone. and i know for a fact that i will seriously consider killing myself again, and infact, already have done.

i just dont know where to go from here so... other than that i should book the doctors, wich im dead set against.

any help please...

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If this girl means so much to you then you should buck up and go see the doctor.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you're choosing to see her ultimatum as her wanting to split up, so you can cause your self emotional hurt by making you split up.

    I think she cares for you so much she is prepared to risk splitting up, to try to get you to the help she thinks you need.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    agreeded- see the doctor and see if he can do anything for you, you may come out better off? Your gf is only concerned for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok, so im going to do the doctors. ive decided that i cant do it without her. that i need her. that i :heart: her... so i rang her and i asked if she would still want me if i didnt go, and she said she stands by what she said and hung up...

    now i cant get hold of her to tell her that ill book it if shes there.

    i just feel so lost now... because theirs nothing i can do...

    and i dont know if she even wants me anymore because she wont let me say... and my mind keeps teling me she doesnt want me and that she just wants to be left alone away from me...

    i know i can be a right immature bastard... but i wanna be her right immature bastard... and eventually hers without the right immature bastard bit...

    :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like bi-polar disorder.
    My best friend was diagonsed with mild to moderate last week with it find out definatly thurs.
    Let us know how you get on.
    My friend excatly the same the same as you and if it is this the quicker you get diagonsed and on medication you'l be fine i promise.
    Big hugs to you .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    since i booked the doctors she has told me she cant afford to come. but befor hand she said she would be there with me, and im only doing this for her and ill only do it with her.

    i understand that money is now a problem for her, so ive said ill pay for the train for her to come down or i can get one up to her, pick her up and we can get one back here...

    if she says no or that shes made other plans i dont know what ill do... i havnt seen her in a month and we dont get to see each other enough as it is... but i wont go without her...

    if i loose her there isnt any meaning left, and ill never go see some doctor or whatever... im just so worried of loosing her and itll be all my fault... :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it's not easy, but you can't be dependent on anyone else for your happiness.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well i do and without her im fucked.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aj fan wrote: »
    My friend excatly the same the same as you and if it is this the quicker you get diagonsed and on medication you'l be fine i promise.

    It's not always that simple though.
    I know it's not easy, but you can't be dependent on anyone else for your happiness.

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it might feel like this whole thing is dependant on if she comes over or not.. but if you think of it from a wider perspective, if she does not come down this weekend, what about the next, and the next? and you should go see the doctor - if someone around you is noticing something is wrong, then thats a sign you should get it checked out
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she wants space. and im only doing it for her and if she doesnt want me then there isnt any point in it. i was in this state when i met her and i know full well id come back to being like this when it ended. the suicide never left, wich is probibly the thing that has forced her away. along with everything else...

    if i needed help id have got it by now. im only worse off now because i know im not wanted, and ive got proof. befor, i only knew i wasnt wanted.

    ive lost her so there isnt anypoint in particually anything. ive spent years like this and i remember verry little different, only it gets worse over time. i knew it was wrong to pin life to her. and we have disscused it and i hope she knows full well that whatever happens if we split, that its not her fault. and if i even beggin to think that shes just "going through the actions" because of what i "might" do, then ill have to split with her. i wont have her living a lie.

    ... dont even know what to do now!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it must feel like a really impossible situation, and you've obviously been through so much already, but I have to agree with the posts here about trying to speak to someone about the 'episodes' and also that happiness can not just come from one person. I do understand not wanting to talk to strangers about what's going on. I've always been depressive and had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. In some ways I am cynical of how much doctors/psychs can actually do to help, but it seems like you do ultimately have the love and support of your girlfriend, even if it doesn't feel that way to you at the moment. If there is a chance you could find someone who may be able to try to help with some of the stuff going on, and hopefully help reduce the impact of future 'episodes' maybe it is worth trying?

    The dynamic of my last long term relationship did mirror some of the things you talk about in your posts. Although my ex never wasn't suicidal during our relationship, he was prone to angry outbursts from time to time and there was always the insecurity that he believed I would leave him for someone 'better' and him saying things such as 'without you I have nothing'. In the end, the more frequently he behaved like that, combined with my depression, we drifted apart. I have to say I do regret not at least trying to talk to a psych about some of my crap to at least feel as though I'd given the relationship the best possible chance. Towards the end when he started talking to someone about his anger and insecurities I was consistently against his suggestions I should talk to someone. Things ended with him leaving me for a brief relationship with someone, then attempting suicide on a number of occassions, every couple of months over a period of almost 2 years... jumping from a building (permanently damaging his back and pelvis) and overdoses. Things have improved gradually with him over the past 2 years. He has gone through stages of refusing any kind of mental help and times when he says, after being hugely sceptical, that perhaps it may be benefiting him in some ways. We have stayed friends, and although sometimes it isn't easy and we can't rely on each other for emotional support as much as during the relationship, I think in some ways getting to the stage where we can still have each other in our lives without so much neediness has helped us both in the way we relate to other people as well as our friendship. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have a strong bond and I'm guessing it's unlikely you would just lose her from your life altogether overnight. I would say that people like that are few and far between, so the fact you do have that and finding a way to allow yourself to respect what you have without questioning how real or strong it is all the time could be a place to start.
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