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i can't really take this anymore

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I really didn't want to post this because i thought that i'd either get a "pull yourself response" that i have in the past or get this post ignored. But a couple of people have urged me to get help.

I'm currently suffering from the following:
night terrors
Vivid Nightmares
Flashbacks
panic attacks
depression
paranoia
mood swings
obessive thoughts about suicide
really trying to not be alone - but yet i'm getting worried about being out, so its a case of getting people to come over to mine...
i'm very irritable
never comfortable
completely exhaused after 10 hours sleep
constantly wanting to cry
when i'm alone i pretty much just want to scream
getting very disturbing ideas and thoughts coming into my head...
I keep wanting to hurt myself but i'm managing to stop myself.

I basically think i'm going mad...

I've been told i have PTSD and Panic disorder, but this is way above and beyond that.

I'm going to the drs tomorrow, but i'm shit scared of being sectioned, and i know that i'd run if that was on the cards. She's also the least helpful person in the world and deeply religious.

I don't really know what to do and i feel like i'm going to implode on myself.

advice for tomorrow?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey tt!

    if your doctor seems like she is going to be unhelpful then i'd write everything you are suffering from like you have done here down on a list so that you feel that you're able to cover everything. if she isnt helpful, ask to switch doctors. i dont know all the details about what you're going through but it doesnt seem like she would section you. i felt like this a long time ago, if i went to the doctor i would be sectioned because they would obviously see how desperate i am if that makes sense? but i dont think it works like that, you may feel as if you are going crazy and losing control but you still seem very much in control and taking the step to go see your doc shows this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i keep getting fed up of the constant battle and i don't feel i've got much fight left...

    i always ache and i feel so old...i feel like i've lived so many lives and that my mind has burnt out and is just screaming at me...i can't even get to sleep without visions and flashbacks and stuff...

    i just want to cry and fade away...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :( that's really crappy, i hope tomorrow goes okay for you. let us know how you got on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've nothing to add but Good Luck. Hopefully your doctor will be more helpful than you're expecting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Remember what I said about how to respond if she's not helpful, and try to register with the other surgery if you can.

    Good luck - try not to worry too much.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Good luck...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This doesn't help, but all the best tt.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    doctor was more than unhelpful, she treated me like a child, told me there was nothing else they could do for me, and thus i have to go back to a service i don't feel is helping me because thats all thats on offer in my borough for under 20's. So if i can wait until november, i can access better services but in the mean time i have to put up and shut up.

    was given a prescription of citalopram...i don't really want to take it. it feels like its going to be failure, and its just going to block out the emotions not actually help me sort them out...

    i spent most of last night on the phone to nightline because i just felt like i couldn't cope. I've called mind today and hopefully someone will get back to me. I know i need a re asessment...why won't they listen to me?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    doctor was more than unhelpful, she treated me like a child, told me there was nothing else they could do for me, and thus i have to go back to a service i don't feel is helping me because thats all thats on offer in my borough for under 20's. So if i can wait until november, i can access better services but in the mean time i have to put up and shut up.

    was given a prescription of citalopram...i don't really want to take it. it feels like its going to be failure, and its just going to block out the emotions not actually help me sort them out...

    i spent most of last night on the phone to nightline because i just felt like i couldn't cope. I've called mind today and hopefully someone will get back to me. I know i need a re asessment...why won't they listen to me?

    I know you don't want to take citalopram, but neither did my boyfriend. He didn't have any nasty side effects from it but it has done absolute wonders for him. The difference since him taking citalopram is so incredible that I swear it's worth trying if it can help you too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do think it's worth giving the meds a try. If nothing else they should make life bearable whilst you get a reassessment.
  • JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    piccolo wrote: »
    I do think it's worth giving the meds a try. If nothing else they should make life bearable whilst you get a reassessment.
    Definately. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, i got worse, ended up spending most of the day in A&E and now the crisis team are calling me tomorrow. I've now got the evil shit, and i'll take it, but i'm still unsure if i can get away with having a drink or not?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well done for going to A&E, it was the sensible thing to do.

    i wouldn't risk drinking hun. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, i got worse, ended up spending most of the day in A&E and now the crisis team are calling me tomorrow. I've now got the evil shit, and i'll take it, but i'm still unsure if i can get away with having a drink or not?

    Best to avoid it if you can, I had the occasional drinky poo on meds but can really un-do some of the good work that drugs can do.

    I know its a real taboo being under the chemical kosh of anti depressants but if you give them a chance they honestly work. Best thing is to get your mood elevated from what it is now with the medication then go from there and try to improve the other aspects of life your not happy with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with trying out the meds, i felt seriously depressed, was talking to the crisis team every day etc, i was prescribed 'effexor' and the difference within a week was staggering- it was like the illness had been taken away, and i could actually focus on life again. I know that sometimes meds are not the right choice, but anything is worth a shot when you are at rock bottom.

    I know that there is not much they can do except keep refering you to the crisis team- did you see the psych doc at A&E? did he ask you about self-refferal to the inpatient dept?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The type of meds you have been given don't block things out, they just help lift your mood so you are more able to cope with them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tweety wrote: »
    The type of meds you have been given don't block things out, they just help lift your mood so you are more able to cope with them.

    Yup! This is how it worked for my boyfriend, anyways.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok, so last night i was violently sick - i'm allergic to citlopram!

    Was seen by the crisis team, i definatly don't need to be sectioned, i need to be reassessed, and provided with long term 1-2-1 support. They're gonna look at a whole range of possiblities to see what can be done. but they were saying that i'm doing ever so well to have been able to come so far with my background history and the fact that i was able to seek help before it got to stage where i couldn't access it myself...

    it feels shit that this is my second break down and i'm not even 20 yet...

    i'm getting very panicy about being alone, but i've got the all clear to go up to edinburgh on the weekend to stay with a friend. the thoughts and the screaming in my head comes back more when i'm by myself - i'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible, watching really interesting films that make me think and draw my attention away from whats happening in my head, talking to friends - mainly about politics and other utter shit.

    So, i'm gonna get a call tomorrow afternoon to let me know what the plan of action is, all my friends are sending me texts and calls every couple of hours to check i'm ok if i am alone, but its past midnight and this is the first time i've had to be by myself all day.

    the CMH nurses were lovely, and seriously helpful - they've told me to change doctors first things tomorrow, and they are going to send me the complaints procedure form and get someone to help me fill it out. There is still some confusion as to whether i am going to be under one borough or another because of where i am, but i'll leave that up to them to sort out. I've got Mind and my social worker helping me out - my social worker sounds more conserned than my mum - who i'm keeping in the dark pretty much because without putting any blame on her, she hasn't really helped me this time around.

    i think its now just a case of keeping active and doing what they ask of me.

    *huge sigh of relief*
  • JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    Sounds like it was a productive experience - onwards and upwards!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Keep on going tt :)

    Have a good weekend :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'm not really too sure what to do with myself today.

    i feel really aggitated, theres no one really around, and i don't want to bother the friends that i was with yesterday and the night before. the visions are still coming thick and fast, but i kinda feel agressive but numb at the same time. huge sugar craving....i can feel a binge eatting session coming on.... :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Life's up's and down's are the worst part of life and sometimes
    uncontolable, but for everything there is an answer and a
    solution, it's finding them thats the problem.

    I had a rough time in life, the beginning wasn't great and
    throughout 2008, I found a solution that gave me a
    great insight into what was the cure.. there is one
    for you too, take time and think about your feelings
    and in what way they can become clear.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you are doing really well, and i'm glad you've had a good experience wth the community team- i think they are lifesavers.
    Don't stress about this being your 2nd time, I had a number of episodes when i was younger but i think that i learned from each one, and in the end ithe illness has made me stronger in a way- so keep on fighting!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    had an ok day, getting very aggressive but very panicy...

    had a friend with my most of the day, but as i came home about 11pm the thoughts and the sick feeling and the utter panic and flashbacks came flooding back. i'm trying to focus my mind on other things so i tire out and can get some sleep.

    got someone coming to kings x with me tomorrow morning, but then i have 4 and half hours to entertain myself to edinburgh...i'm taking my laptop and hoping that i'll get someone on msn the whole journey or summat....either that or paulo coelho can keep the demons away for just a while.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    had a really bad night, i almost had a panic attack everytime i tried to fall asleep, i guess cos when i'm wake i can try to block the thoughts, even if i fail, but when i'm asleep i've got no control over what goes on in my head. So, i'm off to edinburgh with 2 hours sleep!

    i really want to cry, but i just can't seem to do it...

    the despair seems to be coming back...

    the crisis team are coming with a doctor on tuesday...maybe they'll be able to give me something that might help and won't make me sick as a dog.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yo sound really, really, unwell, I would hate to get into such a state.. It should be curable though, just wait and see what the docs can get you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know i'm really unwell - i keep thinking this is some kind of psychotic episode - and then i start thinking that i'm schitsophrenic. i must not analyse myself, i can't start giving myself labels.

    The hardest thing i'm finding right now is not relying on a particular friend who wants to help me so much, and she's really helpful, but she's only been out of hospital a few months herself, and she's not yet better really. her boyfriend who is also one of my best friends is also being a huge help, he's only at the end of a phone but i wish i could talk to my mum about all of this. she has no idea, and i know its best to keep her in the dark about how bad i am cos her messing around with my emotions is part of the reason i'm in this mess now.

    i'm on the train to edinburgh now, i'm hoping that this will help and not hinder things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I sounds like you might be experiencing a mixed state or Agitated Depression? I know it's really horrible to go through- i hope you are ok xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i was doing really well up until this morning, and i'm teary and the feelings have come back. i've got to do to a hospital thats 45 mins away from where i live and a place i've never been to before on tuesday morning for an assessment by a consultant...bit scary...freaked me out a bit.

    not really sure what to do...i kinda want to run back to london now...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i was doing really well up until this morning, and i'm teary and the feelings have come back. i've got to do to a hospital thats 45 mins away from where i live and a place i've never been to before on tuesday morning for an assessment by a consultant...bit scary...freaked me out a bit.

    not really sure what to do...i kinda want to run back to london now...

    Hey Twisted Trinity :)

    How are you doing? Sound's like things are unsettling for you at the moment. It's great that you are posting here to vent your feelings and keep us updated.

    Have you looked into any other options rather than travelling all that distance to the hospital? If not, then is there anyone that can go with you, so you do not feel so freaked out? One idea is to travel the hospital route at least once over the next couple of days so that when you do it on Tuesday, it will be familiar. This should help to ease any feelings of being scared?

    Take care - :wave:
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