FIREBIRD #5 (Asian superheroine comic strip)

Former Member

hello all,
my name is Ashton and I'm just a comic fan who likes to draw this crazy comic strip for fun. in the past I've been posting it on the laundry room for my kids to read but now I've decided to expand its exposure, not because I think its so great but just because its kind of fun to have an audience.
any comments, good or bad, are welcome~ its a work in progress so I don't mind any critiques at all and I'd like to make it better. Right now this story line is a homage to the Asian horror movies- Ring and Dark Water.

hope you enjoy~

http://www.flickr.com/photos/36664072@N03/3381438310/sizes/l/
(for larger pic)

**helen**

I think this has potential. Might just be me, but the narration seems quite formal in tone. :chin:

Former Member

It is nice But I'd also always recommend picking up Will Eisner's seminal 'Comics and Sequential Art'. A true masterclass in comic construction and a great read in general.

http://www.amazon.com/Comics-Sequential-Art-Principles-Instructional/dp/0393331261/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1238504737&sr=8-3

Former Member

much thanks for the input, Helen and Jim V.


Helen, do you mean it doesn't really sound like Firebird herself talking? I value any advice especially as I've just finished the short script for #6 and am getting ready for the pencils.

**helen**

Ashton09 wrote: »

much thanks for the input, Helen and Jim V.


Helen, do you mean it doesn't really sound like Firebird herself talking?

I guess it just sounds a little stilted and could have more verbs and be less wordy.

Instead of "after work I decided to change into my costume and go for a patrol of lower Seattle. It was pretty quiet, fortunately."

How about:

"after work I changed into my costume and flew into lower seattle. It was quiet, fortunately."

It's saying the same thing with fewer words and is more active.

Former Member

**Helen** wrote: »

I guess it just sounds a little stilted and could have more verbs and be less wordy.

Instead of "after work I decided to change into my costume and go for a patrol of lower Seattle. It was pretty quiet, fortunately."

How about:

"after work I changed into my costume and flew into lower seattle. It was quiet, fortunately."

It's saying the same thing with fewer words and is more active.

that's great advice, plus it would help me use up less space for word balloons. I think that part of the problem is that I create this comic strip in steps- and one of the first steps is to write a short script and its easy to get a little wordy when writing the story. any further input from you on upcoming episodes would be greatly appreciated.