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Feeling Uncomfortable...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
My boyfriend seems to run around for an ex of his a lot still. They did go out for a number of years and ended up living together after they had split. No longer do. But she seems to have 'problems' with leaving her flat. I dont know if it's a phobia or attention seeking or just plain lazy. But she gets him to go to her local offy when he lives fairly far from it to get her booze etc, or go buy her food from the supermarket or go to the doctors with her etc...She does sound like an incredibly unstable character from what he has told me. It's just starting to grate on me, not sure what to do. I even have to hide round the corner of the road when he goes to collect his pet from her. Do you think I should say something to him about it? As sometimes it feels like they are still together from my point of view.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    one word: YES

    He is having a relationship with you, not her.

    I don't mean that he is never to see her again, but find out the reasons WHY he is doing these things for her? does she not have her own friends?

    time to set some ground rules :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    one word: YES

    He is having a relationship with you, not her.

    I don't mean that he is never to see her again, but find out the reasons WHY he is doing these things for her? does she not have her own friends?

    time to set some ground rules :)

    Yeah guess Ill have to say something eventually. I should think it's the shared pet mostly. But even if that wasn't there somehow I think it would still happen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yea, i think just saying like, hey...it's making me feel a bit uncomfortable' and maybe come up with some ideas like him asking one of her friends to help out etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    Yea, i think just saying like, hey...it's making me feel a bit uncomfortable' and maybe come up with some ideas like him asking one of her friends to help out etc.

    Is your sig supposed to say 'money'?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crumbs wrote: »
    I even have to hide round the corner of the road when he goes to collect his pet from her.

    Erm, hello. What? :shocking:

    At first read I was thinking that it was pushing it a bit, but maybe if they are still friends and she needs help, blah, blah, but then I got to that quoted bit and thought, actually, no. None of this is ok.

    The shared pet thing - maybe. Although really, it's a pet, not a child, and I think the sharing of custody of a pet is pretty weird, and sounds like she's just using it as an excuse to keep him around.

    It does sound like they are still a couple. I consider myself fairly easy-going when it comes to exes and whatnot, and I ABSOLUTELY would not be ok with this. He needs to decide if he is with you, or with her, cause you can't do both. If it's her, he needs to put you out of your misery, and if it's you, he needs to cut the ties with her. I'm sure she'll have friends or relatives that can support her, or do her little errands for her, if she needs. Using him as a runaround is just counter productive.

    And hiding round the corner while he sees her? That's just incredibly disrespectful to you. You're his girlfriend, not some dirty little secret. Put your foot down.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Olive wrote: »
    Erm, hello. What? :shocking:

    At first read I was thinking that it was pushing it a bit, but maybe if they are still friends and she needs help, blah, blah, but then I got to that quoted bit and thought, actually, no. None of this is ok.

    The shared pet thing - maybe. Although really, it's a pet, not a child, and I think the sharing of custody of a pet is pretty weird, and sounds like she's just using it as an excuse to keep him around.

    It does sound like they are still a couple. I consider myself fairly easy-going when it comes to exes and whatnot, and I ABSOLUTELY would not be ok with this. He needs to decide if he is with you, or with her, cause you can't do both. If it's her, he needs to put you out of your misery, and if it's you, he needs to cut the ties with her. I'm sure she'll have friends or relatives that can support her, or do her little errands for her, if she needs. Using him as a runaround is just counter productive.

    And hiding round the corner while he sees her? That's just incredibly disrespectful to you. You're his girlfriend, not some dirty little secret. Put your foot down.

    I know it's crazy! And to top it off he stayed at hers last night! Just had a phone convo with him and said I'm not happy about the nature of his relationship with her. If it doesn't change very soon I am out. No way am I going to stay in an unhappy situation where I feel like I am 'the other woman'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crumbs wrote: »
    I know it's crazy! And to top it off he stayed at hers last night! Just had a phone convo with him and said I'm not happy about the nature of his relationship with her. If it doesn't change very soon I am out. No way am I going to stay in an unhappy situation where I feel like I am 'the other woman'.

    Sorry, but when my best friend was staying at my boyfriend's flat I drew the line. She started popping round to his for a bath. I mean, really? Is that necessary??

    Tell him he's being a dick, see how he reacts, and if he doesn't pull his socks up then he's history. No one deserves to be treated like this!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think maybe the situation is a little more complicated than the way people are treating it. I was in a somewhat similar situation when I went out with someone who was still married (though split up, not living together etc). She was pretty unstable too and would call him up all the time, getting him to do stuff for her, crying on his shoulder and he would always bloody do it. It drove me crazy. So I appreciate how the OP feels. It's tough to feel like you're the piece on the side and the ex is still centre stage.

    But I do think you need to appreciate what's going through their heads. If she is a bit unstable she's used to calling him when things are wrong, and if he keeps giving her emotional support it's not such a leap for her to ask for what she sees as less important favours. I think a lot of people have/would call an ex if they really needed a hand, simply because you're used to receiving a high level of support from them.

    And then in his head, he probably does have a certain level of affection for her still - after all, they were very close - and that means he wants to keep supporting her emotionally, especially if she doesn't have many friends. Then, because he's a nice guy, he gets sucked into doing all the rest of it for her. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy; it just means that he hasn't got his priorities sorted out properly, he's probably trying to be all things to all people and he doesn't have the balance right.

    So...I guess what you need to do is to decide where you want to draw the line. Is it ok for him to be there if she needs some emotional support but not to run errands for her? Or perhaps only if she's having a real crisis with minimal contact the rest of the time? If she's just attention seeking, she'll start having a paddy about it, but you need to be really firm with him. After all, you're in a relationship with him now and you deserve more respect than this.

    Hope it all works out ok :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crumbs wrote: »
    I know it's crazy! And to top it off he stayed at hers last night! Just had a phone convo with him and said I'm not happy about the nature of his relationship with her. If it doesn't change very soon I am out. No way am I going to stay in an unhappy situation where I feel like I am 'the other woman'.

    Good for you. I hope you get it sorted! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is your sig supposed to say 'money'?

    No i didn't even realise it thank you!!! It's meant to be Monkey hehe
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    No i didn't even realise it thank you!!! It's meant to be Monkey hehe

    Thought as much! :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Staying at her house?! hmmm..i would not be happy with that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    Staying at her house?! hmmm..i would not be happy with that.

    Well for me its been the last straw now, his ex left an abusive message on my phone last night when I have never even spoken to her or met her so Ive ended the relationship. Whats the point if Im not happy? I know she will always be there in the background.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good choice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep. You deserve to be someone's one and only, tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    good for you for standing up for yourself. I would have done the same thing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its a horrible situation, but Ill get over the bastard I guess!
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