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my fiance's secrets
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i hope someone else out there has faced this problem and has an idea of what i should do. it is a pretty long story that has been unfolding for a few years now. to sum it all up, my fiance has been keeping a secret sex life. sex as a couple is still good, but to be blunt, it is becoming monotonous. its the same every time. i've tried to talk with her about spicing things up and she immediately gets very defensive and shuts down so the conversations are completely fruitless (unless our goal is to harvest anger and frustration). i have recently (in the past 8-10 months) discovered that she has bought adult toys (a regular vibe with clitoral stimulator, and an anal vibe) online and hides them from me. i have also walked in on her masturbating to porn when she thinks i'm no longer in the house. the porn is extremely graphic, too (animal porn, extreme male anal, anal fisting, etc). she has also always been into romance novels, and writing her own smut and publishing the stories online.
i guess what bothers me about all this is that i don't understand what's going on with her sexually. i have had about 15 partners where she has only had 4, so i have thought that maybe she is intimidated and is just trying to find herself sexually. if that is the case, why can't she just keep me posted on where she is on her journey? or why can't we do that together? i want to be the best lover i can be for her, but how can i do that if i don't know who she is in the sexual sense? i am really stressing out over this and it is creeping into other aspects of my life. i need some kind of resolution.
i guess what bothers me about all this is that i don't understand what's going on with her sexually. i have had about 15 partners where she has only had 4, so i have thought that maybe she is intimidated and is just trying to find herself sexually. if that is the case, why can't she just keep me posted on where she is on her journey? or why can't we do that together? i want to be the best lover i can be for her, but how can i do that if i don't know who she is in the sexual sense? i am really stressing out over this and it is creeping into other aspects of my life. i need some kind of resolution.
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i asked her about it later and she confirmed that she was masturbating. i checked the browsing history on her computer to see what she was looking at and was even more shocked. what bothered me he most about that moment was that i was there. i had only left to run a quick errand. why couldn't she just come onto me if she was feeling saucy??
we live in separate cities at the moment and on the occasion that one of us is visiting the other, why would she opt out of making love to do her own thing to some porn?
If you live in seperate cities, then i dont see any big deal about her buying vibes or wanking to porn etc. I would hardly call it a secret sex life.
It sounds like you had the perfect opportunity to get in touch with her fantasy side, but just walked out.
You blatantly need to have a chat about sex
Do you think the relationship can survive?
something else that i have considered is that she may have some unresolved issues from her previous marriage. i have thought about suggesting that we go to couples' counseling together or something since we can't seem to figure it out by talking about it.
i just feel the need to address this so we can have a healthy sex life together to go along with the rest of our relationship which is quite awesome.
Given that you refer to what she writes as 'smut' and clearly have a problem with her choice in visual stimuli, I'm not surprised that she doesn't want to discuss it with you.
It sounds like she knows that your response to what she does alone is not going to be positive, so she gets defensive when you try to address it. Plus, not everyone IS comfortable talking about their wanking habits with their partners; she's allowed to prefer to keep it private.
As far as your sex life as a couple is concerned, have you tried to gently introduce something more 'spicy' in a physical way, rather than talking about it? For example, during foreplay, pull out a pair of handcuffs or a silk scarf and give her a suggestive look? See how she responds to that kind of suggestion, rather than making her discuss it with you.
as for foreplay in general, i really enjoy it. she, on the other hand, generally prefers to skip it. in fact, she seems to be treating sex as more of a chore (which i hate).
if she is finding ways to make sex better for her on her own, i just wish she would share it with me so we can explore together.
That's exactly it. Couples are couples because there are two. Two people who do things together. If she's only interested in herself then maybe she shouldn't be in a couple.
agreed
Precisely. There are two. Two individuals, who love and respect one another, not two people who suddenly become the ame person and share absolutely everything. I've never bought into the whole 'this is my other half' crap. You don't agree to compromise your independence and individuality when you enter into a relationship, you agree to love and take care of the other person.
The OP hasn't said she's only interested in herself; all we've heard about is the current situation with their sex life. In fact, worriedlover7 actually said their sex life is good, but has become a bit monotonous. I'm responding on the assumption that the rest of their relationship is good, otherwise the OP wouldn't have posted in the sex forum, but in the Relationships forum, as the problem would be much bigger than one aspect of the relationship....
She sounds like she has some issues that she needs to deal with, but I don't think the way the OP has expressed his concerns sounds particularly constructive, especially given the gender bias.
[the soul reason that i am even posting here is that i needed to get down to what is really bothering me about the situation and it is turning out the be very helpful.]
See, that sounds far more constructive; maybe I misconstrued your inital post.
I think if I was into things that most people would react negatively to, I'd be pretty defensive when it came to discussing it. Perhaps she's come up against this before with a former partner who couldn't accept the fact that her sexual fantasies were a bit extreme?
Something to bear in mind is that many people's fantasy worlds don't really correlate to what they want to/feel comfortable doing in real life. She may get off on the things you originally mentioned when she's alone, but that doesn't mean it's what she wants to do with the person she loves.....
i can understand that. my favorite kind of porn to watch is usually lesbian porn so being male, the only way to have that fantasy played out is in a threesome, and i really don't want MY partner to lesbianize in the least.
Oh well, that's nice. You don't want a threesome cause you don't want your partner to lesbianise. Not because you don't want to get down and dirty with another woman.
That's why porn exists - so people can enjoy things that in real life they can't or wouldn't enjoy, be that several lesbians or animals.
Watching porn involving sexual abuse of animals is not really the same, thats why its not legal
This is very fair.
We're all different, and me and boyfriend have sex all the time.
Maybe try and look at the stuff she wanks over and re-enact? I mean sometimes during sex the male/female can only do what they think their partener enjoys, or get too caught up pleasing themselves.
Find out what she likes, and do it, and because she doesn't like talking about it, it means you need to figure her out a little bit more and as you say you love her, so it seems worth it to me. (im not taking about f-ing a animal btw!!)
for example, I cant orgasm via penetration only via clit stim, but my bf doesnt know how to do properly, also when im wanking in my head im talking dirty (talking down dirty, like calling my self a slut etc) in the moment of passion if he was to say that it would tick my boxes...
on other occasions I'd prefere if we 'made love' instead of just 'hardcore' which sometimes to me feels like im being used as a sex toy.. -which is never bad but you know how us females get sometimes, up and down with our emotions etc..
anyways im babling, just try new stuff, go out on a limb! =]
That's more of a taboo thing rather than anything to do with the animals. If the horse doesn't want to be fellated it will let the fellator know about it pretty sharpish.
As for the OP, I don't want to come across all cod psychologist, but it does come across as quite weird. She seems to enjoy extreme fantasies, animals, forced sex, violence, but doesn't want to talk about sex at all. Has she ever been open about what she wants from you? I wouldn't be surprised if she's been sexually abused herself at some point in the past, tbh.
i have thought at times that since she is still new to her own sexual freedom that maybe she is just testing the waters to see what really gets her off and that she will share with me when she is ready. if that is the case, i certainly don't want to force the issue.
as for being abused in the past, i have considered that, too. i have caught some very subtle hints that may point to that, but i don't know how to find that out without asking her outright.