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Obsessive fascination with drugs..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
right then.

i have recently gotton into the clubbing scene, and coincidentally i live right near a club that is classed as the local drug hole because even the bouncers are poppin pills.

when i first went to this club, i had an e with my mate. and tbh, it was great. had a fab night, shame bout the wide eyes and gurned up jaw but it was fun. next day though i felt like shit and ashamed of myself. felt even worse when admitting it to my boyfriend who went mad at me.

so after swearing never to touch them again, i visited the club again 6 months later, and decided to ask randomers for some pills. (not fucking wise i know.) what i got given were 6 or 7 lumps of dishwasher tablet-looking pills. i popped 4 or 5 because they were so shit. i mean my eyes went wide as usual but i had no buzz, just a few hallicinaitions and EXTREME paranoia. i was disappointed to say the least.

so after swearing never to touch them again, and my mate doing the same (she fucked up on them and was tripping out) i went on with my life. well sort of. i became obsessed with looking at peoples clubbing pics, particularly those who i knew were on pills. i spent hours looking at their pics and reading their comments about what a great night theyd had on them. i felt envious of them, and wished i was in their shoes.

so last weekend just gone, i visited the club AGAIN. (hey, they have good nights on :P ) and decided to end my fasination with pills and have some. my mate got them off a mate and i was going to meet her in the toilets for them. well this never happened, and i just had booze all night. to be honest, it was probably the best night out ive had in a long time. and i felt anxious being surrounded by so many pill heads and also proud to know that i didnt look as awful and sweaty and scary as them. but then i found out my mate had had a half, but she said it hasnt affected her at all. which i was glad to learn. however, she still does them on occassion in halves because she says she likes the moderate buzz as opposed to being completely fucked.

but now im still wishing i had had them!! AND I DONT KNOW WHY! i cant understand it. none of my best friends or boyfriend, or family do drugs. i saw a lot of people from work last saturday at the club who were pilled up and they call me "the good one" cos i dont do drugs. a few lads also told me it was nice to see a girl who wasnt gurning her head off. call me old fashioned but i quite like this, because i would have hated them to have been taking the piss out of me on monday for being wide eyed and gurning and then spreading it that "good girl did pills."

i am quite self conscious, and would have been even more so had i known that people were looking at me thinking, ooooh shes pilled up. but then on the other hand, i quite like the idea because it makes me feel liberated in a weird sort of way!!! because none of my close friends do it, i like to be the "individual one." does any of this shit make sense??

one more thing, is that whenever people admit they do drugs i go mad and give the whole "i hate people who do drugs" speech, when really inside im green with envy.

i tried to end my curiousity by taking a pill last sat, but when it came down to it i didnt want to because of the paranoia of people i know seeing me on them. i think this is the main issue here. so what do i do? im fed up of being like this, constantly checking peoples facebooks to see what states they got in and who took what, when etc.

:banghead:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've already had the experience so you know what it feels like when it's good. It sounds like you have conflicting feelings of guilt and excitement from taking drugs. That's understandable - I think a lot of people feel bad on some level about taking drugs, probably due to the way they're demonised by the media, family, etc. However most people lose the negative thoughts after a few times. The novelty of doing something taboo or wrong soon wears off.

    You need to decide what you want and stick with it. If you really aren't happy taking drugs, then don't do it. There really is no point getting into it just because you think it's exciting or cool and then end up hating yourself. On the other hand, if you want to do it then of course it's your choice. The reasons for doing it should be your own, and nothing to do with anyone else. If you're honest with yourself you should be able to decide.

    If you do decide to try pills again, beware. Your second experience sounds a lot like BZP, which is a shit ecstasy-substitute used in many/most pills nowadays. You're likely to have a lot more experiences like the second one than the first one with today's market, unless you have a testing kit, good sources and know what you're looking for. Even then it will be hit and miss.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this sounds kinda similar to me when i first got into pills, i thought they were the best thing in the world and they were all i could think and talk about (drove my mates insane for a while!)

    the only way i got out of this phase was to cain them at the weekends, taking more and more until i got fed up of the rotten come downs and they lost the orignal sparkle. I havent taken any drugs in over six months and i do know what you mean when you say you feel like you are missing out when you hear about mad drug fuelled weeknds your mates are having.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah agreed with Lover.

    When I first started doing it, it was like something else completely out of this world because it was new to me. As time went on and I took more and more I kinda got used to the buzz and realised it wasn't as 'spiritual' as I thought.

    It is an awesome feeling when you first start doing it, it's just unfortunate that it doesn't last forever. Your tolerence builds up pretty quickly IMO.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh and fuck what other people think. If you want to do something then do it! It's your life and, just like the E's, it doesn't last forever.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it happens to everyone!!! after your first wipe out on the e's you want that feeling back again and again .. its called ecstasy for a reason!!

    i agree about it sounding very like bzp, a dirty dirty drug that should have never came about! has completey ruined things in terms of e's for the time being, down to people who care about nothing but profit!!

    as wooah said pill testing kit is the only good way of checkin the pills, although word of mouth and the likes of pill-reports.com can be useful

    if ya do end up takin em more keep it minimal use and make the magic last :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    Oh and fuck what other people think. If you want to do something then do it! .

    Thats a seriously scary attitude.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thats a seriously scary attitude.

    Probably being thick here man.. but how is it a scary attitude? If other people think less of her for droppin a couple of E's then that's their problem surely?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    Probably being thick here man.. but how is it a scary attitude? If other people think less of her for droppin a couple of E's then that's their problem surely?

    Thats not what you said.
    This is what you said ...fuck what other people think. If you want to do something then do it! .
    Maybe I'm taking it out of context?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dunno mate.

    All I was trying to say is if people think less of her for taking a couple of pills then that's their problem. I probably didn't word it as well as I should have.

    ETA, it was aimed at this comment the most - "but now im still wishing i had had them!! AND I DONT KNOW WHY! i cant understand it. none of my best friends or boyfriend, or family do drugs. i saw a lot of people from work last saturday at the club who were pilled up and they call me "the good one" cos i dont do drugs. a few lads also told me it was nice to see a girl who wasnt gurning her head off. call me old fashioned but i quite like this, because i would have hated them to have been taking the piss out of me on monday for being wide eyed and gurning and then spreading it that "good girl did pills."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    I dunno mate.

    All I was trying to say is if people think less of her for taking a couple of pills then that's their problem. I probably didn't word it as well as I should have.

    ETA, it was aimed at this comment the most - "but now im still wishing i had had them!! AND I DONT KNOW WHY! i cant understand it. none of my best friends or boyfriend, or family do drugs. i saw a lot of people from work last saturday at the club who were pilled up and they call me "the good one" cos i dont do drugs. a few lads also told me it was nice to see a girl who wasnt gurning her head off. call me old fashioned but i quite like this, because i would have hated them to have been taking the piss out of me on monday for being wide eyed and gurning and then spreading it that "good girl did pills."
    Yeah sorry ...me taking it out of context.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No worries mate :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    No worries mate :)

    Hello Aspire
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I laughed out loud at that bit - "So I went to the club AGAIN. . ."

    LOL!

    I know what the OP means. Since I took MDMA I've wanted it again and again and I've only taken it once after the initial time, which pisses me off but I know I can't really take it every weekend because I'm afraid of losing the buzz that comes with occasional use. I suppose the main thing that attracts me to trying it a third time is all the different scenarios and activities that I could get up to on it that would be simply fucking amazing. The idea of doing it in a club seems like a complete waste of time to be (synthetic environment, strangers etc.) . . .

    But until my next trip of fantasticism (which will probably be nearer summertime), I completely sympathise and wish you well!
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