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New Member... Depression
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, I have just signed up so I thought I would introduce myself/ my problem.
Four years ago I played flute and piano to a very high standard and was about to go to conservatoire. Music was absolutely everything to me, my identity, my career, my passion, everything. Then I developed an RSI type injury and had to stop playing.
Since then no one has been able to diagnose what is wrong with me and it has got worse and worse over the years. I am now in constant pain in my arms, back, neck and shoulders. It's disabling and very frustrating not having it diagnosed.
As a result of the constant pain and of the massive loss I have also been suffering from clinical depression for the last three years. I had a particularly bad spell over Christmas and finally went to the doctors and was put on anti-ds about a month ago. I've been trying to get therapy too but the waiting lists are a nightmare and my appointments are generally 6 weeks wait.
The anti-ds have helped a lot in helping me to cope with life better. The bad emotions have been kind of numbed and it's more bearable to be sociable and to get on with my life. It's frustrating sometimes not being able to cry any more or feel the emotions I'm used to, especially because I know I need to come to terms with the loss and grieve.
About two weeks ago the pain was worse and I was feeling quite down about it. Then last Friday I forgot to take an anti-d and everything went wrong. I self harmed really badly... I feel angry and let down with myself now, like I've ruined all the progress I made. I still can't move on or recover from it. I've basically wasted 8 days of my life lying in bed feeling suicidal and taking drugs every evening to make the day pass. I know it's stupid and that I'm dwelling on it too much but I can't seem to pick myself up to back where I was before it happened.
Any advice would be much appreciated, if not it was nice to have a rant! xx
Four years ago I played flute and piano to a very high standard and was about to go to conservatoire. Music was absolutely everything to me, my identity, my career, my passion, everything. Then I developed an RSI type injury and had to stop playing.
Since then no one has been able to diagnose what is wrong with me and it has got worse and worse over the years. I am now in constant pain in my arms, back, neck and shoulders. It's disabling and very frustrating not having it diagnosed.
As a result of the constant pain and of the massive loss I have also been suffering from clinical depression for the last three years. I had a particularly bad spell over Christmas and finally went to the doctors and was put on anti-ds about a month ago. I've been trying to get therapy too but the waiting lists are a nightmare and my appointments are generally 6 weeks wait.
The anti-ds have helped a lot in helping me to cope with life better. The bad emotions have been kind of numbed and it's more bearable to be sociable and to get on with my life. It's frustrating sometimes not being able to cry any more or feel the emotions I'm used to, especially because I know I need to come to terms with the loss and grieve.
About two weeks ago the pain was worse and I was feeling quite down about it. Then last Friday I forgot to take an anti-d and everything went wrong. I self harmed really badly... I feel angry and let down with myself now, like I've ruined all the progress I made. I still can't move on or recover from it. I've basically wasted 8 days of my life lying in bed feeling suicidal and taking drugs every evening to make the day pass. I know it's stupid and that I'm dwelling on it too much but I can't seem to pick myself up to back where I was before it happened.
Any advice would be much appreciated, if not it was nice to have a rant! xx
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Comments
Welcome to TheSite and well done for posting - there's lots of good advice on here for you so hopefully some of it will help you out!
It sounds like you've been through a really tough time and like you say, are probably now grieving and coming to terms with what has happened. You've done really well so far in going to your doctors and getting that support - have you got a date for your counselling session yet?
Try to look at this as a set back, but not something you can't recover from. You've already shown you're brave and can deal with this, you just need to focus some energy into getting back to where you where and try and think positively about the future. I know this is harder than it sounds but you can do it!
Have you got anyone you can talk to? There are some helplines you might find useful, here's one to try, saneline and also some info on self-harm to read through.
You say you're taking drugs every evening - what kind of drugs are you taking? Bear in mind that certain types of drugs will affect the anti-depressants that you're taking and could make you end up feeling a whole lot worse - maybe have a look at this info on drug safety just to be on the safe side.
Take care and keep posting, let us know how you're getting on :thumb:
I'd recommend going to your local MIND. I've been involved with my local one and think they are great.
Talk To Someone You Can Trust And Rely On That's All I Can Really Think Of
Annaarrr!!
My next counselling session is in about 6 weeks. I had one this week but it was pretty pointless to be honest. The therapist got me to explore why I had s/hed and the whole loss thing but then didn't really help at all with how to deal with my feelings so I left feeling even more crap than before.
My partner is very supportive of what I am going through and tries his hardest. But he doesn't understand depression and I think he finds it hard sometimes. The other person who knows is a good friend of mine, who again doesn't really understand but is happy to sit and listen and give my partner a break!
I'm trying to focus on the future and move on but I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I'm fed up of feeling like this, I feel like a total mess and I know I need to stop wallowing in it but somehow I just can't. That horrible gnawing sick miserable feeling just keeps eating away at me.
At the moment I just smoke skunk every night. I'm aware of the psychosis links and stuff but I never did it before all of this so I know it's not caused by that. It just helps to shut my head off for a bit, it's a welcome relief.
Mark what do Mind do? Do they have counselling stuff?
Thanks again xx
With the one I have been to they do training courses, advocacy, have a drop-in centre. They really have a good range of services.
They do support groups too. Think support groups could be a good idea for you. People who understand what it's like could help you a lot.
I've done this and it's been good.
There should be different support groups withing your area which you could use to help you.