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Dating disaster - am i doomed to be single?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Firstly a hello from a long term reader - first time poster!

Well were do i start......

I guess the whole thing started a few years ago now....im a bit of a classic car nut so having just passed my test i went along to a local meet, back then i was the shy quiet type, anyway as i made friends with people one of the girls caught my eye, but it wasn't until several years later when i had grown in confidence, and we were casual friends i plucked up the courage to aske her out, a big thing for me at the time, i had a sneaking feeling that she was about to get together with her now hubby to be, anyway she turned me down, was really nice about it and since then she has become one of my closest friends (im also good m8's with her other half).

Anyhow, after that the world went round for a while, there were a few girls who came and went, but beyond the usual 19/20 year old 'cor she's a bit of alright' nothing happened.

A brief infactuation did happen but it became very apparent that she wasn't interested.

Then as i grew up a bit, made more friends etc, about 2 years ago now i guess, i meet another girl and we hit it off instantly - to the point she text me when she got home the night we met and progressed from there texting most days etc, but after a while it all tailed off when she met someone and has blown hot and cold ever since - i guess maybe it was my fault :banghead: for not telling her how i felt, she's single at the moment and im not sure if im reading the vibes, its something i won't say is over, but a flame still flickers in the distance.

Annyway moving forward from there last xmas (07) at the time the aformentioned was loved up, so i thought i would give the net a try - after a few weirdo's (inc a 50 y/o) i did meet one girl, she was really nice but there was just no spark.

Fast forward again the December this year. Work made us take a month off and some friends were moving so being the sort to lend a hand if i'm free i offered my help as the have a young child (11mths at the time)which meant that one of them was tied up at any given time. anyhow come move day 3, my friends cousin came along to lend a hand, and we hit it off really well, got on and prob spent more time chatting than working :blush: anyhow i met her again early this year when she came down (lives/works in Birmingham - i live near Poole, Dorset) and we got on again, we had been chatting whenever our paths crossed on Facebook in between, and the vibe i got was all good so i thought sod it and asked her out, this time it was a bit more brutal - sorry i aint interested, got a bf etc and despite me saying ok, fair enough i accept that - but i won't hold it against you we haven't spoken since, the door isn't shut, the rejection hurt and it won't be forever as i really like/d her.

Sorry for the long 1st post - but at 24, i really want to meet someone, and don't know where to go now - it always seems to end up with me feeling lonely and unloved - i just want to meet that special someone to spend time with and share life with, is it so wrong? What am i doing wrong?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you, perhaps, coming across as a little desperate? That can be enough to frighten off a lot of girls.

    Also, it doesn't sound like you asked the right sort of questions to suss her out beforehand. Why didn't you casually say to Facebook-girl, "So how's your love life? You seeing anybody?". Hopefully, she would have told you that she was, and then you'd have saved yourself some embarrassment.

    You sound like a nice guy. I'm sure you are. Just be yourself, relax around the girls that you like, create a friendship, ask the right questions .. and who knows? You may hear something that you want to hear. ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's so hard to give advice here without rolling out the cliches...a watched kettle never boils etc.

    teagan suggested you may sound a little desperate, i don't know. it depends on your approach. maybe she is an unusual case, but this cousin of your mate; why didn't she mention she had a bf? i find it hard to believe that never came up in conversation. a lot of girls won't shut up about their boyfriends, especially when they get chatting to a guy.

    try to just steer the conversation in that direction. give someone chances to mention it. shit, i don't know, "i like films. do you go to the cinema much?" then its her chance to say "yeah, with my boyfriend" or whatever. then it avoids the brutal situation you described - everyone has been there!

    the other thing is, with the girl who texted you when she got home (maybe you were TOO nice and she felt like saying thanks? i hate to say it, but sometimes girls like guys who are being slightly cocky gits, whether they'll admit to it or not) - why did it tail off? ok, you don't wanna be pushy, but you coulda asked her for a coffee after a few days or something?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think i come across as desperate, i try to avoid that as all percived advice is not too, if anything put me with someone i really like and i tend to go the other way and go quiet.

    at the time i met my mates cousin, she was single, said so herself, but she meet her current bf over xmas/new year, and yes i guess some of the blame could land on my doorstep for not asking the right q's.

    The girl that text me, the reason it tailed off i think was again she meet someone who made it diff to keep in contact, and she almost disappeared for 3 months. I did try once when i was up near where she lives (not that far away from me - 20mins drive) asking her out for a drink/lunch, but she said no and i never really pushed it again, im trying to speak to her again at the mo but not easily getting anywhere, i'll keep tryimg bt like you say i don't wanna sound pushy like you say.

    Possibly its my fear of rejection that holds me back sometimes - i don't meet girls i like as often as i would like and as you can see when i do i mess up - all i want to do is spend time with that special someone and i guess im stuck in a rut at the mo and feeling crap
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are only 24, I'm a similar age. Just try not to fixate on it too much, I did for a while but it got me no where. I even went on a few dates with people simply for the sake of it. But, yeah maybe try be a bit more subtle in your approach. You will meet someone randomly eventually and things will just happen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i try my hardest, but its not easy, most of my friends are couples, some i was friends with before they got together with there repective partners, and now they are starting to settle down and do more grown up stuff like buy houses etc, i guess a part of me yearns after that, not through jealousy, far from it, i've never been one to keep up with the jones and drive my mum nuts always driving/repairing older cars, rather than her 'oh why can't you buy a newer car like so and so' and making things rather than buying (not that im tight, i just don't see why if i have the relevant skills, paying for something i know i can do), anyhow i digress, and up until i met my m8's cousin i was happily bumbling along, not looking at all, having suffered rejections in the past/bad experience i had decided to leave things alone for a while and see what happens, and when i met her i really though things would change for the better, but looking back more philosophically, i guess these things happen for a reason.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly a massive apology for digging up and old thread (i know its not the done thing but please don't flame me for it, it just saves me a heck of a lot of typing), but stuff has happened since i made the original post and im really now at a loss as what to do.:crying:

    Since the original thread, generally speaking the trail of self destruction has continued.

    My friends cousin and i are now good friends, she's in the RAF and still with her boyfriend but we still chat now and then and paths have crossed a few times, nothings going to ever happen between us but im ok with that.

    The girl that lives 20 mins away, we have got talking again and, but she's not interested and we work best as friends so both happy.

    Along the way i have also meet a couple of lovely girls, one i meet back last year at a chance meeting for a mutual friends birthday, she had just split from her ex tho so i steered well clear because as far as she was concerned all blokes were...lets just say it rhymes with hunts. Fast forward to may this year and she came down to see my friend, i wasn't around at the time but she asked after me so i added her as a friend on facebook and it went from there, i even went up to wales to meet her, however an old demon (going quiet) came back to haunt me so things have tailed off, plus you can never get hold of her....but thats another as story!

    Whilst i was in wales i meet another girl who i got chatting to, she was great but things didn't really go to well as the demon struck once more during a visit when she was on her wat cross country to see an old friend from uni.

    So a streak of disaster! In true fashion i gave up again as by this time i had been made redundant so was feeling really crap at this point, however redundancy lead me, with the help of my closest female friend to try net dating again.

    Initially i tried with little sucess, but the 4 weeks ago started chatting to a really fab girl and we went from daily messaging to whole eve's of msg's, the chatting on msn and exchanged mob no's. things were going great so we agreed to meet. No demon this time and i had a great day in the company of a fab girl and stood on the train station platform arms round each other as she was chilly, followed by a big long hug and a few kisses i felt on top of the world so as i waved her off having chatted about meeting again then sent a quick text saying hope u had a fab day, let me know you got home ok(ok not exactly that it was a bit mushier than that but no worse than an average txt to her), she replied and i went to bed that eve feeling great. So sunday (date on sat) i wake up happy still and decide to ring rather than the usual morning text (after all it was sun) but left it till 10 knowing she wanted a lie in, no reply, no prob she must still b asleep/busy, leave a voicemail and say will try later. try again at about 1, still no reply so fire of a text along the lines of no panic just fancied a chat hope your having a good day, catch u later. Nothing. come 9pm still nothing so try 1 last call, no answer, a bit worried by know bt sure was a gd reason. Cue a v.sleepless nite...3-4 hrs kip tops. Speak to my close friend in the morning and agrees odd so sent a chatty/hope your ok txt, nothing heavy, just a concerned hope ur ok txt. Still nothing, bt i leave alone and spend the day climbing the walls. Then 6.30 a text........open it.....bang.....really sorry for not getting back. ta for a gd day sat, but im not sure i want to be more than just good friends, your a fab person but i don't think we are right for each other. To say i was really (and still am) gutted was an understatment 48hrs previous we had been in each others arms kissing on the station platform, i replied a bit taken a back in the nicest way poss, basically ok id rather be friends than lose you completly.

    So im back to square one, except this time gutted and hurting, if i could meet her tomorrow and she wanted to make a go of it i would sh'es that nice (not just physically), but im just completly lost what i can do.

    sorry to go on, im sure your asleep by now, but im just at a loss.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know you said in an earlier post that you didn't think you came across as desperate, but is it possible that you are being just a little too "intense" with these women?

    It doesn't happen to me often these days as I am a) a lot older, and b) married, but occasionally I still get chatted up. By "chatted up" I mean more than just having a laugh and a gossip with a male friend. In my opinion, both men and women can tell when a chat is innocent, or whether the other party has something else in mind - in which case a warning bell goes off in one's head, and a little voice says "hmm ... I like him/her, but I'm not sure I want this to go any further". And I think that is may be what's happening to you. You aren't necessarily coming across as desperate, but these girls can read you like a book.

    Try just enjoying the company of women as friends - no texting cute messages or phoning after each date. Don't limit yourself to taking out just one. As long as nothing sexual is occuring, there's no need for anyone to feel jealous or pressured into being "the one"!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What is it with girls in the RAF?

    Meh I have had issues with them in the past too!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    What is it with girls in the RAF?

    Lesbians :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    What is it with girls in the RAF?


    Calvin wrote: »
    Lesbians

    There's a joke in there with wings :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its the Army girls that are supposed to be Lesbian. A good looking RAF lady is just considered posh totty.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know you said in an earlier post that you didn't think you came across as desperate, but is it possible that you are being just a little too "intense" with these women?

    I don't think i do, the other girls i knew i had messed up at the first hurdle by the not speaking enough demon, but we are all friends now and in some cases laughed about it. The latest girl however i tried my level best to keep things at the pace she was happy with, obv was the initial flurry of texts, but each step of the way, like asking her out, exchanging no's it wasn't planned, it just happened and felt right at the time, i certainly didn't have to persuade her, infact exchanging no's was her idea, and as my long suffering best friend will tell you there were some days i would be worried if didn't hear from her but i've learnt a bit of patience and just went with the flow as it were

    It doesn't happen to me often these days as I am a) a lot older, and b) married, but occasionally I still get chatted up. By "chatted up" I mean more than just having a laugh and a gossip with a male friend. In my opinion, both men and women can tell when a chat is innocent, or whether the other party has something else in mind - in which case a warning bell goes off in one's head, and a little voice says "hmm ... I like him/her, but I'm not sure I want this to go any further". And I think that is may be what's happening to you. You aren't necessarily coming across as desperate, but these girls can read you like a book.

    True, i can normally tell which diretion things are going, in the case of the 2 welsh girls i knew it wouldn't progress, but at the sametime i wasn't worried, but this time we even talked about a second date and what we might do, and i really didn't see it coming that she didn't want to be anything more than friends. I guess you must be right and i got read like a book, although i was completly relaxed in her company and didn't force anything, we held hands when it felt right, hugged when it felt right etc

    Try just enjoying the company of women as friends - no texting cute messages or phoning after each date. Don't limit yourself to taking out just one. As long as nothing sexual is occuring, there's no need for anyone to feel jealous or pressured into being "the one"!


    Thats the thing i have loads of female friends and am trying to avoid the same old 'just friends' trap. I struggle enough to get as far as a date, and im a lousy lier to boot and am always straight up and honest with thm indeed anyone, when i talk to them so if i was seeing (but not making hay) more than one i would put my foot in it.

    I've been trying not to beat myself up too much about it, but can't help but feel down and out about it, and if she was to say ok lets give it a go but maybe at a slower pace, i wouldn't think twice.

    I also know i need to try and not dwell on it and move on and try again to find another girl, but like i said i find it hard to meet girls at the best of times as i can be v.shy and there is nothing i would like more (other than to get a job) is to find a girl to share my spare time with, have a laugh and just be with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When you say you struggle to get as far as a date, I'm not sure that I understand your definition of "a date" or "just friends". Do you never call up one of these friends just to go to the cinema or meet for a drink? And if you do, is that not a date?

    As to telling them all who you are seeing, your honesty is laudable - but, I would say, hardly necessary in the circumstances. It might come across as bragging. If you aren't in a relationship with any of these friends, it really isn't any of their business. Then again, if any of them get jealous, then may be they are more interested than they are letting on.

    Your female friends are an asset. Even if they aren't interested themselves, if you are a nice bloke and they enjoy your company, one day they might introduce you to someone who is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When you say you struggle to get as far as a date, I'm not sure that I understand your definition of "a date" or "just friends". Do you never call up one of these friends just to go to the cinema or meet for a drink? And if you do, is that not a date?

    yes i do, and i can see your point as how that could be classed as a date. For me personally the girls im ''just friends'' are mostly (but not in all cases are girls who i have dated in the past or we have become friends but we know that we will only ever be friends and nothing else. A date on the other hand i see as a slightly more than just friends, potential girlfriends, rather than female friends when you getting together because your working out if you like each other etc. The struggling to get a date is largely down to me, and by that i mean meeting/making contact with the girl in the first place, by nature im quite shy at first and actually getting to the point of asking a girl out and them saying yes takes a lot for me

    As to telling them all who you are seeing, your honesty is laudable - but, I would say, hardly necessary in the circumstances. It might come across as bragging. If you aren't in a relationship with any of these friends, it really isn't any of their business. Then again, if any of them get jealous, then may be they are more interested than they are letting on.

    Your female friends are an asset. Even if they aren't interested themselves, if you are a nice bloke and they enjoy your company, one day they might introduce you to someone who is.

    I wouldn't ditch my female friends at all, infact its one of them that i got to help my write the profile on the site i met this girl on and several of them have introduced me to there friends.

    I guess it just came as a shock when she decided to only be friends, as i like her, but i would prefer to only be friends than not speak to her at all, and the one thing i can thank her for is saying so early on rather than things go further.:crying:

    Now i need to pick myself up dust myself down and move on, and just see what happens.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're only 24 & you want to settle down! You should be out there playing the filed, that's what your 20's are for! I got married at 33, definelty wouldn't have be ready before that. The thing is it'll happen when the time is RIGHT! not before not after, you'll just have to take my word for it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    What is it with girls in the RAF?

    Meh I have had issues with them in the past too!

    Well, they are Crabs...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, they are Crabs...

    Girls in the RAF? are they not a liability??? ( pregnancy & all that.....:confused: )
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    NavyBlue wrote: »
    Girls in the RAF? are they not a liability??? ( pregnancy & all that.....:confused: )

    Im pretty sure most fertile women have a liability of getting pregnant if you dont use contraception.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    Im pretty sure most fertile women have a liability of getting pregnant if you dont use contraception.

    Ye, getting pregnant is no problem, it's holding on to it is the thing!:confused: If you have any tips..... I'd appreciate it:)
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