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New relationship tips
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So for the first time in my life i have met a girl who i feel serious about.
It's hard because it is long distance at the moment but that doesn't even worry me that much. The thing that does worry me is getting to know her. I have never thought about it with any other girl before. Rejection hasn't really bothered me until now. Up until now we have only had the fun parts of a relationship. Now to progress to something serious we will have to build i friendship i guess, if you know what i mean.
I hope someone knows where i'm coming from here lol.
Is there any general do's and don'ts? I know this is a broad question but i would like peoples thoughts....Ill start with just a couple of the tings im talking about.
How much contact should you make?
Should you always be nice or play a little hard to get?
Should you take sexual things slow or just be open?
Is it bad to ask about previous sexual experiences?
There is so much to worry about i don't know where to start....it's like being 13 again!:hyper:
It's hard because it is long distance at the moment but that doesn't even worry me that much. The thing that does worry me is getting to know her. I have never thought about it with any other girl before. Rejection hasn't really bothered me until now. Up until now we have only had the fun parts of a relationship. Now to progress to something serious we will have to build i friendship i guess, if you know what i mean.
I hope someone knows where i'm coming from here lol.
Is there any general do's and don'ts? I know this is a broad question but i would like peoples thoughts....Ill start with just a couple of the tings im talking about.
How much contact should you make?
Should you always be nice or play a little hard to get?
Should you take sexual things slow or just be open?
Is it bad to ask about previous sexual experiences?
There is so much to worry about i don't know where to start....it's like being 13 again!:hyper:
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Comments
I too am in a new relationship that has instantaneously become LDR. It's fucking hard, I'll tell you that much but it's SO worth it.
Being in an LDR, if anything gives you a chance to work on the friendship/relationship side a lot more than usual. However it does come with its own pitfalls, just as any kind of relationship, that need to be watched out for.
First things first, TRUST and allow your partner to trust you.
I've had a few hiccups with my boyfriend because I'm what you'd call, a good time girl, I go out and get wasted and end up going back to male friends houses (completely innocently to have a laugh) and when he asks I won't lie. It sounds awful but it really is quite innocent. He's never said that I cannot do this, but I have sat down and thought about how it would seem if the shoe was on the other foot. Building trust in any relationship is paramount, but in an LDR one particularly as they cannot see your behaviour at all times.
As for contact. When in an LDR before my ex and I would do marathon phone sessions. Not only did this get boring (What did you have for tea? Pie, chips and peas... wow exciting stuff) but it led to disagreements and arguments. With my new guy what we've found is short, sharp and constant. He'll text me when he gets up and then we'll have a five/ten minute chat whilst he's on his lunch break (His excuse is he's in sales and it makes him happy thus boosts his productivity... I think this is BS but whatever), he'll give me a quick buzz before he gets on the tube and in the evening we'll either have a long phone conversation a couple of times a week, video chat on Skype (we'll move onto his in the sexual sense) or a quick goodnight chat, leaving us with a smile on our face before we go to sleep.
It really depends on your own relationship, but little things like a cute text every so often during the day just to remind the other that you're thinking of them makes a world of difference.
And also I cannot stress enough the importance and appreciation of a good old fashioned love letter through the post. I melt when I get these and store them away from when I'm really missing my man.
As for the should I be nice or play hard to get. Stuff the hard to get. The most frustrating thing being away from someone is if you can't get in touch with them when you want to. You don't know what they are doing, who they are seeing and it all goes back to trust. Make yourself available but don't be overly nice, be honest and truthful so that you can get to know each other.
As for sexual stuff. Dependant on how far you've already gone etc it's again down to you as individuals. I've never been one for dirty talk or anything like that (it makes me blush) but my boyfriend has explicitly mentioned that this important to him. I've started sending him dirty little texts which are not too embarrassing for me, he loves them and it really gives you an easier way to open up about stuff you wish to do when you are together. As for Skype and video chat... well..... I'll let you make your own assumptions from that.
And in terms of talking about previous sexual experiences, I think it's best to be honest but not graphic. No girl wants to hear how fucking ace your ex was in bed, and how you loved it when she "did that thing with my ear". It's best to share what you are interested in but at the same time explore new ways of enjoying yourself that you'd never thought of before. Every sexual partner is different and the experience you'll have with each will vary. It's about being comfortable about with what you are doing and enjoying yourself. My bf has a tendency to compare me to his ex... in a good way... it drives me mad and I've spoken to him about it but he tends not to stop. It drives me a little mad as I want to have my OWN experiences with him rather than be compared to a benchmark (Even if I am better than her) but that's his way of complimenting me. I'm working on it though.
Hope that's of some use!
I know the major thing is trust but it's a bit hard for me yet because we are not officially going out. It's a bit of a cop out on her behalf but she has not long come out of a five year relationship. She knows that this bothers me a little as she was still breaking up with her ex while seeing me. She assures me that they wasn't intimate while we have been seeing each other and she wants to prove that she is not on the rebound. Still feels like a bit of a grey area to me.
So far we have been really loved up and enjoy great sex when we meet. I'm loving every moment of it but i know it can't stay like this forever. We have a great relationship as lovers but i am worried about having a relationship as people. It's going well but i am worried that if i was to move closer that it might just turn out that it was the novelty of a LDR she liked.
She has a reserved type of personality but i think she is a real dark horse underneath. I am worried about digging to deep in case i don't like what i find. I am a straight forwad simple guy and her little traits are nice but in some ways sucspicious. It's just because she is so angellic yet she is good at being bad if you know what i mean. I love it but at the same time i think you have to have done bad to be good at bein bad. Would you be suspicious of someone who is good and bad?
Just little things like she doesn't talk about things much. I am the one bringing things up to get to know her but she doesn't seem bothered asked anything about me. She doesn't always answer questions that are in a text. She didn't reply to one till late because she was reading a book?? She would send quirky off topic replies?.....yet she can also send super lovely texts and show good interest?.....maybe im just a big paranoid pessimist?
Contact has been good but i just don't wanna be too nice because i worry that she will get bored. We have done a bit of a love letter thing on myspace.
On the sexual stuff i would like to know what experience she has had so i know if im bein too full on for her or not enough. I'm not sure if its a good idea to ask though? We are meeting end of next we and she tx saying i hope you know what the first thing we will be doin is. I said yey but jokingly said its a shame we jave to wait till after the journey. She said it would be exciting in the car? Is it ok to ask if she has done it in a car before? I know that not every person who is good at sex is gonna be disloyal but i would lke to know if she has been around. One because i don't really wanna go with someone who sleeps around and two because if she has had a lot of sexual experience i wanna be more for her not less.
I guess im just paranoid about the whole thing because i don't know her that well and haven't seen how she behaves from day to day.
So in your experience have you just openly talked about your pasts? If he was always nice would you get bored?
I can't easilly explain but i hope you get what i mean
Thanks
As for the rebound stuff.... I think that the fact you and her were sort of an item whilst she was breaking up with her last bf, kind of suggest that she's not on the rebound. As for the novelty of an LDR... well, even though you get to keep your own life and freedom to a degree, 9 times out of 10 I don't think people would want to be in an LDR unless they really like the person. I think one of the main things that people tend to say about an LDR is establishing a ground rule of what you are...what your plans are and giving you something to work towards.
You say that you worry that she is a lot deeper than she lets on. I think that, at least in my relationship, we're both a bit like that. We both seem quite bubbly and extroverted but we certainly have our own issues and inner turmoil. It's been a lot easier for him to talk to me about his stuff than I have mine. I've been very concerned that what I tell him will effect his perception of me when rather the opposite has been the case. I'm starting to be more open and honest with him about my feelings and he's been amazing, it's still a difficult struggle for me (I hate being open) but it's slowly getting there. Don't worry too much about her not responding to texts, I'm awful. I don't even have credit half the time and totally have the means to get it but just can't be arsed. I let him do the phoning and letting me know when he wants to talk because I worry about crowding him. Keeps him keen as well haha.
Rather than asking her "have you done it in a car before?" I tend to be in the school of thought, if you give a little then you get a little. My response to such a request would be, "I've never done it in a car before. You?" and then she will probably open up.
And no, not everybody who is good at sex is disloyal. My guy has had A LOT of sexual partners... like scarily... been in London with him and girls have come over to him and been like "Why didn't you call me?" Some people might be a bit freaked out by this but at the end of the day I feel quite lucky. She was good for a shag or whatever but he wants to have a relationship with me. And I KNOW he will never stray. But even if she has slept with a lot of people it doesn't mean she will sleep around and as for being worried about your performance, you need to be open and speak to her about it. Tell her your worries, she won't laugh and you won't make a tit out of yourself and it will be worth it in the long run. Communication is key.
As for him... being nice. There's absolutley no chance of that. He's a reformed bad boy and I'm CONSTANTLY telling him not to do naughty stuff. We got in an argument the other day because he wanted to get an iPod case, he told me to go outside so he could nick it and I went spare at him. His mum loves it though, she says I'm a good influence on him hahahaha!
Haha!
Xxx
Did you have to learn that from experience lol.
Thanks starcrossed :thumb:
So do you live with your bf now?
I just worry that she only likes me so much because I'm not there. Living together or close to each other might turn the whole thing around?
I am glad that you said that you don't talk about things as much as him. I sort of feel I'm giving a bit too much away. She seems to be laid back and strong minded. She hasn't questioned me at all, apart from when i was asking about her ex she asked about mine.....I just feel like the emotional 1, bit like a stereotypical girl lol. Is that bad?
The thing about that is i have done it in a car so like you i am a bit worried it would change her perception of me if she hasn't. Would you have taken that chance to be open or kept it to yourself? That's just one thing, what about if you have paid for sex?......it was a lads trip to Amsterdam and well you know. Is that the type of thing that should only be told if asked?
After reading your post i feel like i am being a big sop about things. I am generally insecure which sucks. I really don't want to be. I think if a guy come up to her and asked "Why didn't you call me?" i would cry lol.
An example of how insecure i can be happened last night. She works in a bar and she txt me:
Her: I got someone barred
Me: Oh what happened?
Her: I talk to him because it's my job to be social. I went to take bottles out and he cornered me, hes around 60!
Me: F'in and blinding
Her: Aww its ok. He wont be back. makes me feel sick. Iv been talking to him since i started. He knows how old i am.
Me: Did he touch you? your so nice dirty old men probably get the wrong idea.
Her: He grabbed me. so scary, thinking about it now- being by the water scares me more.
Me: What on your arse? should of slapped him. what was he doing out there anyway?
Her: He was smoking. He asked why i hadn't give him my number yet. He'd like to cook me a meal and do other things....by this time he had hands round my waist. I didnt know he was so close. i was putting bottles in the bin.
So the annoying thing is my girl has been harassed and all i can think about is what she is telling me. I am thinking you have been to the guy all this time and maybe led him on. Shouldn't alarm bells start ringing when he was saying that stuff to her? Surely dont have to be that sociable?
I am probably bein a **** about it but i am so insecure it's annoying. I guess this is why i am having trouble with other things because who wants an insecure partner afterall.:nervous:
Thoughts?
No problems there, she is super duper gorgeous
Any thoughts on the above?
Not really, tbh. New relationships can be fun. Just relax and enjoy yourself.
I know no one can give me advice that will make my relationship perfect but some on my insecuritie issues would be nice pleeeeeaaaase
A little bit of insecurity is normal, the little text convo you posted there didn't look like unhealthy insecurity to me. Girls in bars have to put up with sleazy guys all the time, but it's not a bad thing that you're concered about her.
Try not to invent problems before they come up though. As you get to know each other better then both of your past histories will come out, and because you know each other then any "revelations" will be easier to bear. Amsterdam is in the past, and I think it'll only be as big a deal as you make it. I've done some silly things in the past too, tbh if I'm with the right lassie then she won't mind because I'm a different person now y'know?
From what you've said there then you've nothing to worry about - you seem really into this girl and she'#s into you and all the insecurities you feel now are because you want nothing to wreck it and you're thinking of the tiniest things that might cause an argument.
Enjoy getting to know each other mate, don't let silly things that haven't happened yet get in the way of that.
I have already done a bad thing by lokingin her phone
I know it was out of order to look at her phone but it just feels like she has a life that she hides from me. Im tryin so hard to let the txs go as it was a 5year relationship sh was in so i can respect that she might wanna stay friends with her ex.....
Its just i dont know if i can deal with the paranoia. I really dont wanna lose her. Any suggestins??
Whats your thoughts on the above?
Im starting to think that im the one with the problem. When i think about how good things have been i feel so stupid for looking into things. Its just i cant help but wanna pick holes like im mr perfect when im far from it. I wanna be able to see the bigger long-term picture than getin paranoid about all the little things. Like you say its not important.
Does anyone else feel this way about their partner? or have i got bit of a problem?