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Am I too nice ??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm soooo fucked in the head right now. I posted this last night but it made no sense so I deleted it, so second time lucky...

My ex texted me yesterday out of the blue, she asked if I wanted to meet up. Now for the last few months I've really felt nothing but anger at her for what she did to me. I took some convincing, everyone told me that she's not worth it and she's a cow, and I finally thought to myself she is a cow, I mean she was really evil to me, and I loved her too much to hate her for it at the time. But when she texted me, I felt "oh maybe she's not so bad after all", now I'm sooo angry with myself for thinking that. She cheated on me twice, and swore she never, and I almost gave up the chance to go to uni for her. But still I felt a sense of forgivness for her.

I just hate being like that, I find it soo hard to tell someone, anyone to f**k off, without feeling really guilty about it. I do hate my ex deep down, I have no wish for us to get back together or anything, especially coz I find it hard to trust people nowadays, after her messing with my head. I dont know if I'm too nice or whatever, but I just find it impossible to stand up to people that are shit to me and tell them how I feel about it.

It's really bugging me, I just want to be able to feel strong enough mentally to stand up for myself more.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

Brian

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Brian,

    I know what you mean, I used to think that I was too kind. I'd open doors for people, never be rude etc etc, and I got labelled a nice guy since I was about 12. About a year ago I started to wonder if it was really me. I sort of figured exam pressure and a few other things got to me. At the end of the day, I realised that it was one of the reasons why people liked me, it was my little trait, hangup, what ever, but I thought of it as my strength.

    I'll also stress that I'd like to be a bit more out going, especially with the ladies, but from some of the other posters' advice, I've realised that it will take time and practice. (we can't all be perfect all of the time)


    I think it'll take practice for you to be more assertive, but don't force it.

    PS you seem to have realised what your ex is probably up to. So just keep that in mind every time to speak to her, or text her. Don't let a bad relationship affect you soo much that you become bitter and twisted, within every new one.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well maybe you could just forgive her but not forget it. Dont meet up with her, dont get back with her, but just try and get over it. Dont even bother being friends with someone who has so little respect for you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm exactly like you, bri- I'm utterly shit at being ruthless like that. though I'd rahter be that way than the opposite. Don't tell her to fuck off - be nice, but make it clear that she hurt you and she shouldn't act like that and you aren't interested. But better to be a nice guy than treat her like the cow she clearly is - turn the other cheek, and all that.
    Of course, you could do what I always do in such situations, and text her back saying 'sorry, really busy.' that's the easy, lazy way out, and it avoids confrontation if you don't want that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you have the answers to the problem of you and your ex already. If you have such bad feelings towards her, leave things as they are but certainly don't feel bad about it, you've done nothing at all wrong. You can forgive her and move on, without actually contacting her, just to know you can let go and forgive can make you much feel better.

    As for the rest of it, if it makes you that unhappy then do something about it. There are assertiveness training classes you can attend and they are a great idea because not being assertive enough can ruin some peoples lives. It can make you a potential doormat for people to walk all over in your working life as well as your personal life.

    http://www.tsuccess.dircon.co.uk/assertiveness.htm

    http://www.altguide.com/therapy/info/assert.html

    http://www.leading-edge-consultancy.co.uk/html/assert.htm

    These are just a few sites to give you an idea of what to expect, so if you're interested have a look. There are loads of other sites and plenty of courses to choose from.

    Gook luck hon. Mummy knows best you know :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to be so nice to everyone, I'd just put up with anyone who was horrible to me. I was bullied by one girl for 2 years and I thought why does she keep on coming back to be nasty to me?

    I realised it was b'coz whatever she said to me, I swallowed it and looked for the reasons why she'd say things like that, so much so that coz she laughed at everything I said, I'd just sit there in silence.

    Then one day I thought, fuck her, and I just snapped and ended up in the middle of town on my way home screaming obscentities at her and telling her what I thought of her.

    Sometimes people need to be told, its great that ur a nice person, but I think, certainly in my case to keep my self confidence in place, you've gotta tell people they can't treat u shit and get away with it.

    sorry, this is a bit of an essay!

    mwah
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bri, you are nice. A very admirable trait. But there's nice, and there's doormat. In terms of your ex, you've done nothing wrong. At least you've cottoned on to what she's like. You don't need to tell her to fuck off right away, if you feel you are unable to. Build up to it gradually. The articles smoif has recommended are very good.

    Don't turn nasty Bri, from what I know it wouldn't suit you. Just build up to being assertive, and people won't take you for granted. :):):)

    Edited to add that you should also follow Mummy's advice as well as that of the well meaning yet slightly evil younger sister ;):)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If she texts you delete it without reading it, then you wont be drawn into any shit.

    And as soon as you get the chance, change your mobile number.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well she texted me this morning and said "do you not like me anymore", and again I felt like saying no, but I ended up texting back "Its not that I dont like you, its just awkward." Then she rings me up in tears, saying she really needs to talk to me, at which point I felt sooo bad because I was worried that it was my fault. She asked if she could see me, I agreed because I did promise that whatever happened that I would always be there for me. That was before she turned evil, but a promise is a promise.

    Anyway when we met, she seemed completely different, she seemed happy enough and kept touching me for some reason, she kept trying to hold my hand. All she talked about was the old days when we were together, and I did feel really weird about it, I felt really happy just thinking about all the good times we had together. Then she told me that she wanted us to get back together, and started crying again. I had no idea what to say or do, I just gave her a big hug and told her to stop crying because I wasnt worth it. Then she started going on about how her mam and dad hated her and how she wanted to move out. I walked her home, and just told her how everything would be okay in the end, and try not to get upset.

    That was this morning, I havent heard from her since. Its really weird, because I know she's got problems with her family, and I dont want her to feel alone.

    I know deep down that she was evil to me a while back, and I know she cheated on me and all that, but when I was talking to her, all my old feelings came flooding back to me, and all I can think of now is how happy we were together.

    I dont know if I want her back, I know we can have a laugh together, but I've no idea if she would cheat on me again. One minute I feel I'd love to be with her, the next I feel so angry at myself for even thinking about it.

    I just dunno what to do for the best :confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, she really hurt you badly and you say you loved her which would have made in worse. In my opinion I wouldn't go out with her again because of all the pain she caused you and you don't know she wouldn't do it again if she did it twice. Of course remember the great times you spent together but remember they were in the past and you've got to look forward to the future and get on with life. Of course you can still be friends but think how utterly devasted you would feel if it hapenned again. Of course the feelings are still going to be there and deep down if it was true love they will never completely go but you can't not move on just because of that. Anyway hope I've helped a bit :).
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You? Too nice? Pah! :p:D
    I'm only joking! :)

    Smirnoff_Ice has pretty much said what I was going to say really (damn you, bitch! :p:D).
    You should be weary of what she says as it all seems a bit out of the blue. It seems as though she is simply bringing up the past to tug at your heartstrings and make you fall for her again. Some people feel the need to have someone around who loves them.
    Then again, I don't know this girl and she may be genuine (I bloody hate these situations). It's best to keep her simply as a friend and move on. You do not seem entirely convinced by her yourself so the best thing would be to avoid a relationship with someone who caused you such pain.
    You are such a lovely guy (well, you seem it!) and I don't think anyone wants you to go through the same situation again.

    Luv ****** (name = secret ;) I'm weird.)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This whole thing is doing my head in. I dont really want to get involved with her I dont think, not because I dont like her, but I'm just so scared of getting hurt again. I think thats what it is, but I dunno. She's just got a hold over me. If I'm being honest, then in a few months she 'll probably end up cheating on me again, but the way she was today, I mean she was completely bawling her eyes out, I've never been so freaked out in my life.

    I would be mates with her, but we've been down that road before and it all ended in tears. I just want her to be okay, I hate to think of her being unhappy, even after everything thats happened. Everyone deserves to be happy, except bad people, and she's not a bad person.

    I think I'm gonna have a bitch to my teddy bear or something, its so stupid but it makes me feel better.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry if this has been said or if you have done this but have you talked to her and told her how you feel? And how scared you are of being hurt again?
    Maybe she hasn't seriously considered how you feel about her and how her behaviour affected you?
    I know it's hard not to get invloved but if she is just going to hurt you again it is best not to follow the same path.
    It's basically a choice between thinking with your heart or your head and you know that by following your heart you will most likely end up hurt again.
    If bitching to your teddy will help make you feel better then go for it! :) But know that you can bitch to me too if you want. :)

    I don't think I was very much help as problems like this are always nasty and confusing and I'm always confused....which can't be good.:confused::p:D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Daisychainthing
    Sorry if this has been said or if you have done this but have you talked to her and told her how you feel? And how scared you are of being hurt again?
    Maybe she hasn't seriously considered how you feel about her and how her behaviour affected you?
    I know it's hard not to get invloved but if she is just going to hurt you again it is best not to follow the same path.
    It's basically a choice between thinking with your heart or your head and you know that by following your heart you will most likely end up hurt again.
    If bitching to your teddy will help make you feel better then go for it! :) But know that you can bitch to me too if you want. :)

    I don't think I was very much help as problems like this are always nasty and confusing and I'm always confused....which can't be good.:confused::p:D

    I've told you before, stop saying your not much help to me when ur giving advice, ur great :)

    She knows full well how much she meant to me, and she knows me better than anyone. She knows I get upset sometimes for no reason. I just saw a completely different side to her that I swear I didnt know existed, and its freaked me out. But I'm glad I know about it now, so she doesnt feel so alone.

    I dont really think she's gonna be up to talking to me for a day or two, and I think she needs space. I think she's got other problems too, like her family situation seems difficult for her.

    *sighs*

    But I dont know, I'd be lying if I said she meant nothing to me, and I'll always care about her. I'm kinda hoping she'll forget any feelings she might have for me though, and maybe we can have another go at being friends again. Oh its just doin my head in sooo much. I'll end up crying myself to sleep again tonight, because I can see she's hurt about something or other, I just wish I could help her !!!

    *sighs again*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aww sweetie! I don't want you crying yourself to sleep!

    Don't think that you can't help her because you can! Simply be being her friend and by being there for her. Although, still be cautious and, I know it's easier to say than do, but don't let yourself get too involved or attached to her.
    I'm not sure what this problem is with her family but since you know a lot about it you could be of great help to her!
    Once she has sorted out this problem with her family maybe she will rethink her feelings. It may be that this crisis is causing her to latch onto someone (you) and maybe she is confusing her feelings for you. I'm not sure! (Dammit Brian! You and your complicated lovelife! :p I'm sorry, honey! Not meant in a mean way!)
    I just don't want you to be too upset. It's nice that you care about her soo much but you shouldn't let her problems have such an effect on you (once again, easy for me to say).
    I keep wanting to say let her know you are there for her but I keep thinking how much she has hurt you and how likely it is you will fall for her again.
    Try not to let it affect you too much right now and see how she is tomorrow or in a couple of days maybe?

    Ahh, you liar! I'm no help! :) I can't even sort out my own lovelife! My diary is proof of that. :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why dont you spend some time with NICE girls, not necessarily ones you want to date. Oh, no I forgot, guys are shallow! Oh, I dont necessarily mean you but guys in general. I have dated so many guys who had bitch exes and they still pined for them even though I was treating them right.

    Go and find a girl who deserves you, move on. It's so frustrating when a guy prefers bitches

    *feels angry this morning*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really think you should take a deep breath and tell her everything you have told us.

    ie that you will be there as a friend through her hard times but you were hurt badly before and do not want to be involved romantically.

    make it clear to start with that you are her friend and then follow it up by explaining that you are not prepared to go back out with her.

    You need to be in control because She will manipulate you otherwise
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you ever asked her why she cheated in the first place? Mayb jus mayb that will giv u some security of knowin if she will do it again. I once cheated on my bf bocz i felt he was never there for me and he never was as he's not even here for me now as a friend so i know now that i don't take back cheatin on him but i still feel for him coz the lonelyness at the moment is killin me. So ask her that and who dumped who? stupid question but jus wonderin. Ask her why she wants you back... i feel she's walkin all over you usin u coz she knows ur soft... mayb. Mayb she needs someone and mayb she wants to get back with u only bcause she's feelin lonely.

    Thats alot of mayb's lol goodluck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I texted her this afternoon and asked if she was OK, she texted back and said, yeah she was fine and said did I want to talk ?? I thought it'd be better if we did, so I went round to hers tonight and we just started talking about how she thought she was depressed, and how she was really going to need my love because she said she knew I still loved her (which I dont) then she started coming on all touchy feely again, I felt soo weird with the whole thing.

    I told her I had to go, but she grabbed my hand and told me she had to show me something before I went. Then she leads me into her kitchen for some reason and sticks her tongue down my throat !! The bad thing was I didnt put up any resistance at all, I lost myself, it felt soo good and I forgot about all the bad things thats happened between us in the past for a few seconds (I didnt tell her that though).

    I feel sooo bad now, I know I've made things ten times worse for both of us, she texted me later saying "I'm glad things are ok between us now", and I'm just sooo fucked in the head right now. I feel sooo bad for what I've done, and I just dunno what to do now :confused:

    *bangs head repeatedly against table*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're letting yourself fall back into what's comfortable.
    You said yourself that you don't love her.

    If she thinks she is depressed then you need to help her sort that. If you're referring to her feeling down once in a while then just talk about it. If she means clinical depression or whatever it is called :confused:, get her to contact her GP or whoever it is you're meant to see with this problem (I'm not sure if it's her doctor or someone else she is meant to see).

    Don't feel bad. But at the same time don't let yourself get involved in a relationship again. Do make it clear that you are her friend but don't let her think it's anything more if it isn't, as I think this would cause more harm than good. Let her know that you will be a friend who she can talk to and that you will cherish the memories of your relationship but also make clear that's in the past or you could tell her how confused you are right now and that you need time to think things through.

    (Wait for more replies before following my advice as I am sleep deprived and this probably doesn't make any sense :)).

    Good luck, hun.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok i think u shud stop leadin her on... she's convinced u still love her... don't let her feel something that is not there its not fair... then u shud tell her that u think she's commin on a lil too confident (with the kiss) and that u didn't mean it .. it was a mistake... it will help u and her move on even tho it will hert alot. It will happen sooner or later and its better sooner dont u think?
    All things end bad... or else they wouldn't end
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Dark Pheonix
    Ok i think u shud stop leadin her on... she's convinced u still love her... don't let her feel something that is not there its not fair... then u shud tell her that u think she's commin on a lil too confident (with the kiss) and that u didn't mean it .. it was a mistake... it will help u and her move on even tho it will hert alot. It will happen sooner or later and its better sooner dont u think?

    I've realised that whatever I do will hurt her in one way or another, so I'm just gonna be honest and tell her that I dont love her, but if she ever needs someone to talk to I'm there for her. I am still angry at her for cheating, but whats done is done, and I think she's sorry for it.

    Now its just a matter of actually telling her.

    Cheers for the advice guys, love you all :)

    xxx
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