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Long Distance Relationships.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi. I need some advice. Recently I met this lady in an online chat room. Only been a few weeks but we talk every night on instant messenger. She has also expressed interest in talking with me on the phone. Were going to be doing that in the new year.
Here's the situation. She is talking with some other guy she met online right now. They live in different countries. She's seems to be in love with him, think its only been a couple of months or so, talking that is. They haven't met yet. She is going to visit him in his country in a few months, not to see him but has to go there anyway. He has agreed to come and see her later on in the year in her country.
I seem to have fallen for this girl and I do not like it. I wish I had never found her in the first place. Even if she was not seeing anyone it would be difflecult for me to go and see her anyways cause I too live in another country, but not that far. Even still it would be an expensive trip for me. I had thought about saving up the money to go and see her later in the year.
What do I do? Do I wait it out between her and this other guy? Do I tell her how I feel about her? If I tell her how long do I wait before I say?
She is such an amazing lady. I haven't felt this way about someone in many years. I would have to say she is the perfect girl for me. I don't want to pass this chance up.
So if anyone could give me some advices on this situation, I would appreciate it. Thanks for your time on reading this thread.
Bye.
Here's the situation. She is talking with some other guy she met online right now. They live in different countries. She's seems to be in love with him, think its only been a couple of months or so, talking that is. They haven't met yet. She is going to visit him in his country in a few months, not to see him but has to go there anyway. He has agreed to come and see her later on in the year in her country.
I seem to have fallen for this girl and I do not like it. I wish I had never found her in the first place. Even if she was not seeing anyone it would be difflecult for me to go and see her anyways cause I too live in another country, but not that far. Even still it would be an expensive trip for me. I had thought about saving up the money to go and see her later in the year.
What do I do? Do I wait it out between her and this other guy? Do I tell her how I feel about her? If I tell her how long do I wait before I say?
She is such an amazing lady. I haven't felt this way about someone in many years. I would have to say she is the perfect girl for me. I don't want to pass this chance up.
So if anyone could give me some advices on this situation, I would appreciate it. Thanks for your time on reading this thread.
Bye.
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Comments
Can I point out that you have not met this girl yet or even spoke with her so how can you say that she is the perfect one? Already you have noticed that she is talking with someone else so how do you know what kind of relationship she has with this other person?
I would wait and see how she responds to you when you talk over the phone etc. I to found people to talk with in cyber space and via msn but it is not really real to be honest. I would wait to see how you get on when you talk together in the new year and would not make any rash decisions. You may even meet up one day but as you say distance is a problem kind of so it will not be easy to actually have a real relationship.
Do not let yourself get into her too much at the moment and just see how things go.
Perfect girl for you??
You've not seen, spoken or had any skin to skin contact with this 'lady' - we don't even know if she is a lady, lets be honest. :chin:
She is playing you guys like fools. Stop being jealous of a woman you've never held, seen or fucked.
Do not build her up in your mind more than you already have. Chat with her on the phone in new year but get a reality check mate, if she likes you she'll do some of the chasing. Maybe go to a single nights or something, don't just use the internet to find 'the girl of your dreams' because you can be manipulated and lead on so much easier online than you can in real life. There are great, wonderful, amazing , sexy & funny women everywhere, not just on the net!!
Thanks for the advice. I know that I haven't met or even talked to her yet but from what I know about her she seems like the perfect person for me. She has shared information about this other relationship with me asking for advice cause she is unsure herself. Okay I wll wait and see how it goes over the phone. Kinda hard for me not to let myself get into her too much at the moment cause last few days having a hard time focusing on things. But I will try. Thanks though.
Step away from the pc, LOL. Thanks for the comments though. Well I'll find out soon enough if she's the real deal or not. Im sure she is. Also Im not in the habit of using the internet to find dates for myself. Met her in a chat room and I just go on there to find interesting people to talk to. This kinda just happened.
I met my husband via the internet so I know that it can work. I also know there are people out their just for themselves and only bring trouble. I remember talking to one guy via cyber space and boy it was electric but you can never really tell if they are telling the truth or not. We spoke over the phone straight away and could not stop talking hehehe....one thing I can always do.
No problems for the advice anytime.
Enjoy your Boxing day.
No problems for giving the advice all the best. I am always up to chat.
Yeah I know what you mean. She seems to make a habit out of talking to people on the net. Previously she was talking to another guy and she said they talked for about a year but one day they were talking and he was a little drunk and lets just say he did something that was so disgusting she stopped talking to him.
By the way could you share some more info on the person you were talking to on how it was electric? And how things ended? Thanks.
It was like we had known each other for years and we both felt it was very electric ...had talked to others but not felt like this one.
We shared exchanges of talk and chat and that was how it w
was. I suppose what made it all end was the fact that he kept saying he was working so he could have been with someone else already. I also think that I did not trust him and then it fell out of its magic.
I would just be careful in your plight too.
Question. Does it mean anything when one of your chat friends makes time for you everyday to come and talk for a bit? Or am I trying to see something thats not there?
Later.
Until you speak on the phone or meet in person it's going to be hard to really get to know this person and where they are coming from.
The fact that she is making time to talk to you everyday seems to show that she values the connection you have made and enjoys your conversations. Equally, it's really impossible to know her motives for sure until you can get to know her better.
The move to talking on the phone in the new year should give you more of an idea if this relationship does have a potential to become something more. Until then, and until you know what the verdict is with this other guy she has mentioned, you may want to try and protect your own feelings and remember that as perfect as she might seem, online you can be whoever you like.
Thanks mod jo7 I will do just that. Protect my feelings I wish I could. You may all think Im crazy for saying this falling for a girl I've never met or even spoken too, but thats okay. Tbh I think of her quite often, have been copeing with this pretty good as of late but today for instance I felt a little bit down.
You say that online you can be anyone you want. For me personally I don't try and be something Im not. I tell it like it is, I never lie or exaggerate. Thanks for the advices though.
Lets say we have 10 different couples involved in long distance relationships. How many of these couples would actually stay together long term would you say on average? Maybe 2 or 3, more, maybe less.
What do you all think?
I suppose it is easy to talk via the net/cyber space but what we all have to realise is that is not always as it seems as jo7 points out as well. Lots of people lie about their age, sex, etc so I do take things with a very different look. It is not the same as going out to meet friends etc the web is a virtual reality place. I have come across people that lie and there is of course the scammers amongst us to. They rile me big time....I got BT once to get rid of someone who claimed that he lived in london and looked like the photo but I found out from someone else the photo was fake it was from a modelling agency and all the information that was put up was unreal to. I am not trying to say in anyway that this woman is not who she says she is but just reiterate be careful and do not fall into any trap. She could be fake but that I cannot tell.
Never had a long distance relationship myself although I met my husband via an internet site. We chatted online, via our mobiles and then I took the plunge of arranging to meet him in the flesh with lots of people around us. I lived in a different part of Kent to where he lived and we got on well with each other. After all he is now my husband.
As for your answer....that would be hard to tell to be honest as distance can be difficult as you may not be able to visit so much and then how much would you then trust that person? I think that it would depend a lot on how much you really want things to work out. People can be different to what they are like in the flesh. It is like with any relationship really to how much you want it to work and how far you want to take things and how long in distance.
I would try not to think about her to much ....take your mind away from the situation and just wait and see if she is for real. It is after all hard to really see what the true situation is like.
By my experience it depends on whether you are successful on "merging" your two lives together in the long run. At some point in a distance relationship an inevitable choice has to be made, and that means that at least one of you have to make a sacrifice and choose to settle down near the other partner (or both if you choose to settle together elsewhere). Frankly, it seems that very few have what it takes to make that choice. The last article I read stated about 10% survival rate. But don't get me wrong here, on the other hand this is just a number that IMO covers the people who "have what it takes", it can indeed work out but not without complete trust, plans about a common future, the opportunity to see each other as often as possible and last but not least; the ability to live your own life when apart.
10% sounds like a reasonable number, because I don't think a whole lot of these relationships work out in the long run since its kinda tough being apart and don't get to see each other all that often.
As far as the moving closer to each other goes. She has already told me that she likes where she lives, all her family and friends are there. She's a university student and is almost finished and already has a job lined up after that. I don't think that she is the type of person that would just pack up and go and leave her whole life behind. Just my personal opinion.
Myself I only stay around where I live cause of my mom. Other than that the rest of the relatives and friends don't come around that often anymore. I think moving would be easy for me. I would do it for the right girl. The only thing I feel missing from life right now is a special someone by my side.
Thanks for the reply irv99. I don't think that I was waiting for a girl to show me just a small bit of afftection and get hooked on her right away. I have a few online contacts and we just chit chat about what ever. To be honest I wasn't even looking for that kind of relationship just looking to make some online friends. Before I met this girl I wasn't feeling down or alone at all, I was content with the way my life was. It wasn't perfect, with a few things missing but I was happy with the way things were.
Of course Im going to respect this girl by not making things more hard for her. Going to just talk to her on the phone and see how things go, just get to know her a bit better and she can do the same with me. I will probably eventually tell her what I feel but not for a long while, that is if everything goes smoothly with her.
A side note, her and this other guy live in different countries kinda far away from each other. She feels unsure of herself if this thing is going to work. They both agreed that if either of them found someone before they met they wouldn't meet later on in the year. Doesn't sound very committed to me. What do the rest of you think about that? I don't think she is the type of person to just get up and go. Don't know if he would either. Time will tell I guess.
As for finding someone closer to me I wasn't looking for a relationship in the first place. Since I started talking to her I realized that I want one. And I would want that relationship to be with her. Don't think that Im going to start dating in my area any time soon either.
As for moving in a ldr. What is considered a reasonable time? How much time would you have to spend with this person anyways, like how many visits? If after this time she wanted me to move I would do this for her. But your right its probably not going to be anytime soon. At least a couple of years from now probably.
Later
Question. She said she missed me. I told her I missed her too. What could this mean?
Think our first phone conversation will happen tommorrow. Im kinda nervous and excited at the same time. Hope everything goes well.
Now some lighter stuff. During our talk I said something sweet to her in which I meant of course. So she then tells me I like you even more now. Hmmm, don't know what that means. Maybe I like you as a friend or I like you as a possible person I'd like to date. Don't know so confused today. Don't know if im coming or going. Whew what an emotional roller coaster Im on today.
Also during our conversation I said a few other nice things to her and its like she's shocked. Shocked that someone is actually saying something nice to her like she's never heard a compliment from a guy before. I guess its possible though.
I think she's suspecting that I may like her, Im having trouble hiding my feelings today. Im also beginning to think she likes me as well. We flirt with each other and she isn't saying anything to discourage it, good sign I think. I like this girl much more then before now, hope everything turns out well in the end.
Time for a serious question. Valentines day is a month and a half away. My question is this. Would you all think it would be a good or bad idea to send her something. Im not thinking anything extravegant. Maybe something like a teddy bear and chocolates. What do you all think about that? Or even another gift idea if someone can think of something better. I doubt anyone will send her anything that day. I want to do this for her because I don't want her to feel left out on that day and I want her to be happy. Okay, okay I know im a romantic fool, its such a weakness of mine.
But any comments would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
P.S. To show im really serious about her maybe I can link her to this thread one day. LOL, that would be so embarassing for me.
You can't bank on her breaking up with this guy. Romantically involved people fight all the time. Often, it's like honeymoon when they make up again. Seriously, if you're waiting on this happening anytime soon, you may well be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.
All girls like compliments. It really is as simple as that. You want to read more into it, but I advise that you don't. On the whole, you need to be realistic. Just because she's suspectable to compliments, doesn't mean she's fallen for you. Not by a long shot.
You have her home address? If so, why not? But yes, make sure it's something small. Small things are sweet. Things like expensive jewelry are just plain creepy. Remember though that you can't be riding your hopes on such a thing making any real difference. The reality of the situation is that she likes this other guy, plus lives in another country, plus you've never actually met her. I don't think you should get your hopes up too much.
Oh for sure that is so true.
Hey Convincer thanks for the advice.
Even if her relationship with the other guy ends or doesn't end in the next little while I don't think its going to amount to much. There's much uncertainty on her part. She's very confused and doesn't know what to do. For example she doesn't consider the two of them to be together and when asked she couldn't say what there relationship was cuz she didn't know herself.
Compliments. Thing is she seems really amazed when I say nice things to hear, like she hasn't heard them before. Possible she hasn't received that many from past relationships. She hasn't been in that many to this point. Im not expecting her to fall in love with me overnight but in time perhaps.
Don't have her home address yet. Im sure she would give it to me though. Yeah things like jewellery or a bouquet of flowers might be too much, thats what I was thinking. Im not thinking that by sending her this gift its gonna make her fall for me. I just want to do it cause she is a nice person and don't want her to feel left out at valentines day. Even just a little something might brighten her day, that would make me happy and she wouldn't be down on valentines day. Also the other guy lives in another country and they have never met either.
I don't know if she's going to continue seeing this other guy or even what she thinks of me. Thus far people have advised me to talk with her on the phone and see how that goes. After only 1 phone conversation I can tell that her and I are going to get along great, in time I know that Im going to like her even more.
She's such a beautiful person, looks and personality. I don't know about the rest of you but such an amazing person doesn't come along very often and I would be a fool to let this chance pass me by. Im going to take a chance with her, I don't know how or when but Im going to fight for her. You may all think im crazy for saying all of this but I at least have to try, right.
What happens when you two are together, is she still going to be talking to other guys?
If the two of us were together I would hope that she wouldn't be talking to other guys on a romantic level that is. But I would want her to live her own life till a time I could go and be with her.
Perhaps I have painted a bad picture of her so far. I don't believe she is the type who goes around with just any guy. I don't believe that her relationship with the other guy is all that serious at the moment. They made this deal where if either meets someone they would call it off. Does that sound very committed to you? There relationship could be over just like that.
Her and the other guy quickly made up. Was I surprised about this, not really. Breakups hardly occur on the first attempt anyways. He comes across to me as the needy type who would forgive no matter what she done.
If she's told you that her 'relationship' has a deal where they are free to break up whenever if somebody else comes along then use that and be a man and be honest with her. I think you need to somehow tell her in no uncertain terms that you think you're developing feelings for her and are in a position where you don't think you can truly be friends as you'd like something more. Without saying it directly, you need to communicate that you don't want to be the guy she goes for when she needs a confidence boost when somebody else is pissing her off. I've been there personally and it's real bitchy but it's so convenient to have an immediate ego-boost at hand! These are always blokes I'd never date. They're too precious as instant-mood-improvements.
You have to do something about this girl or you'll just suffer in silence. You're already at the stage where being 'friends' is only going to sabotage yourself, your posts show that clear enough. Trust me, it's better not to talk to her than not say anything in case the 'friendship' is ruined. Do something, even if it means she'll tell you she prefers the other bloke. Then you know that and can move on. Don't just sit like a puppy dog hoping to get your turn.
I'm now seeing a guy I met online and the best thing he did was to be honest with me about wanting to take things further than the 'friendship' stage we were at. It helped me know where I stood and decide if I wanted the same.
About there relationship and there deal yes I agree with you I should be a man and step up and be honest with her, I plan on doing this. But right now I don't think thats a very good idea since I've only talked to her a couple of times on the phone and were now just starting to get to know each other a bit better. I don't want it to sound creepy.
I really like talking to this girl and if things don't go my way im afraid she may not want to talk with me that much but I guess its a risk Im going to have to take sooner or later.
Good luck with you and your online guy, sounds like things have really worked out for you. That means theres still hope for me and I might actually be able to somehow pull this off. At least I hope so.