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Real Life
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is the opening chapter of a story I've begun working on. One piece of advice that always crops up for new writers is to write about what you know. For me, Bristol is one of the things I know and love best. I have always admired the way certain writers and filmmakers such as Steven King, Ed McBain, Spike Lee and even The Wire use a city/geographical area as a character. I guess my aim is that even if you didn't know this city you can visualise it as I'm hoping it becomes an integral part of the story. I hope that makes sense.
Please let me know you're thoughts.
Real Life
A man sits on a bench in Totterdown fuelled by an earlier cocktail of sunshine and pear cider. Mesmerised by the lights of the city he looks out over the horizon. To his left is the Suspension Bridge in Clifton. A thousand light bulbs illuminate the grand old structure making it glow with pride over the Gorge it connects,
In Easton, a young woman wakes up suddenly in a high rise alone. From her vantage point on the 14th floor she looks north towards the lights of the Centre. Restless she rises and moves closer to the window. Close enough for her breath to leave its trace on the glass.
Approaching the Gloucester Road going up, you reach the Arches. At the top of Cromwell Road which runs off this we find a fading Georgian terrace inhabited by a trio of nocturnal students. From a poky but cute balcony, the three young men pass the pipe and look up at a different kind of light disrupting an already fading conversation. With a slow winking movement the latest Easyjet arrival from Krakow turns for its final approach to Bristol International.
Five people, one city. Nobody sleeps.
Instead they find themselves, dear reader, staring out at the lights of the city illuminating its features and landscape. The city breathes electric.
Although seemingly asleep it pulses from the night blood of those still active. At its taxi ranks and offices, drivers holding out again for that last fare share dreams and conversation. For some it’s the elusive away win for Rovers or City. For others, retirement in Devon, the Punjab or Mogadishu. At isolated takeaway joints some just dream of the last customers and eventual sleep. In the A & E some hold out for peace.
But today this is not their story; it lies, as you guessed it reader, with our five people unconsciously linked, by the lights.
Please let me know you're thoughts.
Real Life
A man sits on a bench in Totterdown fuelled by an earlier cocktail of sunshine and pear cider. Mesmerised by the lights of the city he looks out over the horizon. To his left is the Suspension Bridge in Clifton. A thousand light bulbs illuminate the grand old structure making it glow with pride over the Gorge it connects,
In Easton, a young woman wakes up suddenly in a high rise alone. From her vantage point on the 14th floor she looks north towards the lights of the Centre. Restless she rises and moves closer to the window. Close enough for her breath to leave its trace on the glass.
Approaching the Gloucester Road going up, you reach the Arches. At the top of Cromwell Road which runs off this we find a fading Georgian terrace inhabited by a trio of nocturnal students. From a poky but cute balcony, the three young men pass the pipe and look up at a different kind of light disrupting an already fading conversation. With a slow winking movement the latest Easyjet arrival from Krakow turns for its final approach to Bristol International.
Five people, one city. Nobody sleeps.
Instead they find themselves, dear reader, staring out at the lights of the city illuminating its features and landscape. The city breathes electric.
Although seemingly asleep it pulses from the night blood of those still active. At its taxi ranks and offices, drivers holding out again for that last fare share dreams and conversation. For some it’s the elusive away win for Rovers or City. For others, retirement in Devon, the Punjab or Mogadishu. At isolated takeaway joints some just dream of the last customers and eventual sleep. In the A & E some hold out for peace.
But today this is not their story; it lies, as you guessed it reader, with our five people unconsciously linked, by the lights.
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Comments
I would say though, your grammar and punctuation is a bit sketchy, and the pedant in me finds it really distracting. It would benefit from a visit to the comma police
Oh, and I love this line:
If it were me, I'd switch things around a bit for nicety. For example you currently have:
A man sits on a bench in Totterdown ...
In Easton, a young woman wakes ...
Approaching the Gloucester Road going up...
I'd change those starting points so that they have symmetry -
In Totterdown, a man...
In Easton, a young woman...
In a fading Georgian terrace.... [or similar]
That way you are linking the three even before you get to the last connection.
Thanks for the suggestions though Mist they're definitely something to think about.
Iwish.. the direct address to the reader is something I am experimenting with. I like it but yeh I'm not sure that everyone would.
Olive, you've got it in one. I was trying to use my pen as a brush or a camera. I'm chuffed it had that effect on you.
I think you need to stick with either you, we or they, it is a little distracting to chop and change between the three. But i like the simple descriptiveness, it's not overbearing, but still presents a strong image.
:yes: My thoughts too.