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complicated friend or something more situation...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
theres a guy on course who i've become really good friends with. He's really sweet, a good laugh, we share a lot of interests, ect ect...he's the sort of person i'd like to have around me for a good while...

but here comes the catch.
We are both madly attracted to each other, but he has said he wouldn't try it on with me cos he's self confessed sex addict, and he said he wouldn't sleep with someone he'd have to see on a near daily basis. i couldn't quite understand that one but from what he's said it seems like he can't do relationships, which is a real shit, because i'm consistantly fighting a battle to not fall in love with him. He's already said that he doesn't like clingy girls, and i've laid off quite a bit, but we do see each other on a daily basis, and have to work with each other (which can get kinda intense). we're sending each other incredibly dirty texts all the time, and he's seen (by accident i might add) my new sex toy, which he immediatly said i should try out on him...we do share several mutual fantacies.

i'm really teatering on the edge of deciding whether i want to just stay friends with him and make that clear, in which case i may loose a very good fuckbuddie, and in the future maybe something more, or see where things go, and if they do go in the direction of us sleeping together i just go with it, and hope that it doesn't fuck up our friendship...

i value both the affection and attention i get from him, as well as the friendship...

any ideas on this one?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What happened to the one that got ill?.......


    In respects to this situation, Id see if you could deal with what he is asking, and go from there perhaps?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I personally think you need to break this cycle you seem to be in where you're jumping from guy to guy left and right. Why don't you try focusing your energy on yourself for a while and figure out what you really want? It's clear that if you say you're fighting yourself not to fall in love with him that being fuckbuddies is not exactly helping you achieve that.

    It might actually be a good exercise for you to keep him as 'just' a friend. Learn to chill and do your own thing. From your posts it seems like there's more than enough going on in your life, there's no need to complicate things further by getting involved with blokes that aren't that commited.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know exactly what i want but i keep finding people that seem t say they'll provide it, but then don't deliever the goods. yes i should possibly just spend time on my own for a while, but i don't really see what that would achieve?

    i do agree with the just keeping him as a friend.

    Mr G, have a look at the last post on that thread...he was pretty twatish...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but i don't really see what that would achieve?

    A sense of perspective and priorities? Maybe. It seems to be working for me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like you're going round in circles yet again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but i don't really see what that would achieve?

    It might help you sort out the following:
    i know exactly what i want but i keep finding people that seem t say they'll provide it, but then don't deliever the goods.

    People say a lot of things but it's their actions that matter. From what you've posted you don't seem to really see the pattern you seem to have, like the thing when you were seeing that last guy and didn't know what was up so you text two guys at the same time claiming to love them? And when nothing comes out of that then right away you've started considering a new guy who you claim doesn't seem to be able to do relationships. Wasn't it last spring that you were going to get married after a very short relationship?

    Why is there such a rush to be so serious with guys? Like I said before, you've made threads about how stressed you are and how you're, for example, finding it difficult to find time to cook. How on Earth does spending so much energy on chasing blokes help?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    By the sound of your previous posts you have had a really rough time of it lately with men.

    I am sure you both would have a great time in bed together but I don't think thats all you are looking for and it sounds to me like he is hinting that is all he could give and it wouldnt develop much further. A man that is giving off clear "I want to fuck you" messages but then telling you that he is a sex addict and doesnt do relationships and doesnt like clingy girls may be the wrong man for you.

    I know it will be hard but you have to decide if the friendship you have is worth building upon and you never know you could have a very good friend for life. I think if you sleep with him you will get hurt, he is already planting the ideas that he is not interested in commitment or girls that need attention and I think should you sleep together he will back off fairly quickly if you start to seem like a couple. If that happened I am also fairly certain he will say that he told you that he didnt want a relationship and it might put you in an awkward position at your course class.

    I know everyone has said that you shouldn't rush into a relationship so quickly and become serious and I agree with them for the most part. There is nothing wrong with knowing if the person you are dating is ready to become serious with someone or just looking for some fun and company for a while but I think you need to slow down before committing and declaring your love. Maybe you would be better getting to know someone well before sleeping with them and becoming serious so your judgement is based on their personality and how they treat you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks guys,

    you're replys have been a bit of a smake in the face but, i have started to see whats going on here. I am going around in circles, and yes, it was not even a year since i got out of a very abusive relationship, and suppose rather than dealing with things i am trying to paper over the cracks, and find someone else...

    i keep trying to tell myself that i'm not desperate...but i am...i am desperate to be wanted and loved and i could give a million and one reasons for why i'm feeling like that...and i'm not exactly too sure about how i sort that one out...

    so any ideas as to where i go from here?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I could be really annoying and play the old "the right bloke will turn up when you're not looking for it" card...

    It's annoying but unfortnately true most of the time. But I know exactly how difficult/impossible it is to stop looking or hoping. If I were you, and if I got involved with this guy the way he seems to want, I think I'd end up feeling 10 times worse than I did before. It won't satisfy or fulfill you if you want to feel loved and wanted and all he wants is to satisfy his sexual needs. I'd personally feel kinda used in that situation.

    Also as you have to see him every day it might be best to try and stay just friends to avoid awkwardness and resentment. Of course if you can't be friends with him because of your feelings for him you might have to cut away from him. Which will also be hard. It's a tricky one that I'm sorry you have to go through. Good luck lovey... The right one will turn up eventually and he'll be someone who deserves you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope you don't mind me saying this and I don't want to hurt your feelings but I think you need to work on why you feel the need to have someone in your life. I would honestly say seeking help to address the issues you have should be your priority.

    Being in a relationship that is not right can be worse than being single. It might not seem it at the time but someone that wants to hold on to you by controlling you and manipulating your emotions can cause even more damage to you.

    I have a very low self esteem and find that I can get clingy and overly emotional and I crave attention and love, when I got together with my bloke I was honest with him as we were friends and had been for a long while and he understands why I get like I am and we can work through it, I think thats why you need to take a step back from full on relationships and try to be with someone as a friend and take it slower so you get to see what they are like over time instead of jumping in head first and getting hurt.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know exactly why i feel the need to have someone in my life, and i could give you the complicated reason or the blunt one...that we all need to be loved! that is a basic human need. yes i have a lot of past shit which gives me more issues about it, but what no body has yet told me is what to do about it. i know i've got issues around it, but what thr fuck do i do about it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am sorry I dont really have any advice to give on how to work through it, Its hard reallybecause deep down everyone wants to be loved and cared for and to have someone to love and care for in return. Is there anyone that you can talk to professionally about working through it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    haha! on the NHS? are you having a laugh?

    Short answer, no, seeing as the university councellor is shite, and i've been told i can't be put the the NHS waiting list.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    haha! on the NHS? are you having a laugh?

    Short answer, no, seeing as the university councellor is shite, and i've been told i can't be put the the NHS waiting list.

    I forgot but are you seeing anyone for therapy at the moment? It would probably be worth mentioning. I know you've probably heard the same thing before and it's so easy for me to say it but you seem to know where the problem lies. Till you can get someone decent to talk to (not sure if this is happening already) I would completely divert the attention from relationships, blokes, sex and just concentrate on the things you do enjoy. This is so so cliche and you probbaly want to hit me for even suggesting it but new hobbies. They don't always have to be swimming..judo. Maybe just seeing your friends more often and going to gigs? Also you seem to be passionate about rights for women? As a way of distraction and really getting into something you could really get involved and passionate about this.

    Yeahh I'm sorry this is a shit reply. Feel better soon!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no, i've got the uni councellor, and thats it...and she's crap and keeps telling me its all my fault that i am the way i am and i know for a fact thats bullshite. partly, yes, but not wholly...

    i'm feeling ok, its just there are days when i get overwhelmed by everything i have to deal with, and there are days when i have very few problems. I've started doing ju jitsu, and i'm gonna buy a stunt kite soon, and if i find the money a mountain board. i need to get into making music again, but half the time that seems to involve being on my own, so not so good...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she really shouldnt be saying that to you. im sure you'd be able to swap counsellers at uni. some are just naff
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'm thinking about stopping it all together...

    i'll talk to someone from the student union and see what they think...she's really cool and helpful (the person from the SU that i talk to), and maybe she has an alternative idea..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    update:

    ARGH!

    fucked it up a bit, we slept together on thursday night, friday was a bit odd, and the guy we are working on this project together with guessed whats going on, and talked to me and said that from how he's been behaving that he must like me...well, i've taken that with a large dose of salt. we are still good friends and we'll have to see if it progresses. he did say he wants to stop sleeping around though...

    i'm gonna do my best not to obsess over it and just be cool with it. i'm not gonna see him for at least 2 weeks over xmas period, so we'll see how it goes from there...
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