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His Pretty Girls and Pretty Pictures
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So my bf still has all his pretty conquests on his MySpace/Facebook/whatever. They're all there. Apart from his exes I know all the girls he's wanted to sleep with/slept with/fancied/loved. I know what they all look like. And they're all really fucking pretty.
I may, or may not, have BDD. I have all the signs and blah blah but it's nothing I have actually figured out yet. Either way, my confidence is zilch at the best of time and my self-esteem is low low low. I hate myself and the way I look and it makes me so sick to know what he's been with, and to know that they're so much more beautiful than me. I feel like such a waste compared to them.
He also has bundles of pictures on his computer. He's a photographer and likes to save loads of nice pictures. But he saved some pictures of a singer girl onto *my* computer. I saw them and was like WTF? He doesn't even listen to this girl. But she's beautiful, has all the right clothes and can play the guitar. I can't. I'm not. And I don't. When I saw them I had to try so hard not to cry. He didn't understand why I was 'in a huff.' But I wasn't in a huff, I was just so upset to know that this is the kind of beautiful woman that he loves but it's the woman that I'm not.
I know that he's bored and he's fed up of all this. He hates it that I hate my body and he's getting fed up of me thinking that whatever part of my body is horrible or fat, that I think my face is ugly and whatever. Sometimes he tries to laugh it off and say, 'Are you trying to say I have bad taste or something?' But sometimes he just gets pissed off. And it's perfectly understandable. I don't blame him.
Argh. I'm just so insecure. He makes me feel beautiful, but I can't help but feel like shit if I'm in a room with other pretty girls. He wants to know why I try so hard every time I go out, and I've told him I don't want the attention, I just want to feel like I can almost match the prettiness of these other girls.
I just struggle to accept the knowledge that he finds other very beautiful women attractive, while I feel so ugly.
Does this make any sense?
Guys and girls, what do you think I should do? How can I stop myself from ruining my relationship?
I may, or may not, have BDD. I have all the signs and blah blah but it's nothing I have actually figured out yet. Either way, my confidence is zilch at the best of time and my self-esteem is low low low. I hate myself and the way I look and it makes me so sick to know what he's been with, and to know that they're so much more beautiful than me. I feel like such a waste compared to them.
He also has bundles of pictures on his computer. He's a photographer and likes to save loads of nice pictures. But he saved some pictures of a singer girl onto *my* computer. I saw them and was like WTF? He doesn't even listen to this girl. But she's beautiful, has all the right clothes and can play the guitar. I can't. I'm not. And I don't. When I saw them I had to try so hard not to cry. He didn't understand why I was 'in a huff.' But I wasn't in a huff, I was just so upset to know that this is the kind of beautiful woman that he loves but it's the woman that I'm not.
I know that he's bored and he's fed up of all this. He hates it that I hate my body and he's getting fed up of me thinking that whatever part of my body is horrible or fat, that I think my face is ugly and whatever. Sometimes he tries to laugh it off and say, 'Are you trying to say I have bad taste or something?' But sometimes he just gets pissed off. And it's perfectly understandable. I don't blame him.
Argh. I'm just so insecure. He makes me feel beautiful, but I can't help but feel like shit if I'm in a room with other pretty girls. He wants to know why I try so hard every time I go out, and I've told him I don't want the attention, I just want to feel like I can almost match the prettiness of these other girls.
I just struggle to accept the knowledge that he finds other very beautiful women attractive, while I feel so ugly.
Does this make any sense?
Guys and girls, what do you think I should do? How can I stop myself from ruining my relationship?
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Comments
The main thing to say is - look who he is with now
Yes, he might have fancied her and slept with someone else, but he's not with them is he!
He's with you and everyone is beautiful in their own right!
I've been with someone in the past, who kept saying she was ugly and hated her body and she always covered up.
I will agree that it is frustrating having someone who was so beautiful - constantly putting themselves down. She also used to get really moody when we went out with some of my friends, saying I fancied them, because they were prettier than her! This obviously wasn't true, but I constantly had to reassure her.
In the end, she cheated on me lol - obviously not that self conscious anymore!
Anywho - too much emphasis is placed on physical beauty in society - to be honest, a lot of the pretty girls you see on his Facebook etc could be dull, boring, annoying and have absolutely no personality.
I know i'd rather be with someone who had an ace personality and is intelligent than some stunner who is as thick as two short planks!
To be honest, I'd try and stay off his profiles, that way you don't have to see the pictures.
People will always find others attractive, but for different reasons! There was this girl I used to work with, who I thought was stunning, but everyone else said she was *quote* rough as fuck *quote*
I thought that not only did she look good, she was intelligent, had an ace personality, but most of all confidence. She was happy how she looked, she isn't a size zero and doesn't want to be, she hasn't had surgery and doesn't want or need it, and it was that confidence which just made her stunning to me!
Ignore how everyone else looks, it's you that your boyfriend loves!
If your boyfriend tells you that you are beautiful, he means it, trust me.
i definately feel that you should find ways to build a more positive relationship with your body, even down to simple things like making sure you take really good care of your hair, skin etc. Little things like buying a gorgeous-smelling moisturizer, whilst they obviously won't solve the problem, can help you to feel just that little bit better about yourself.
but whilst you're trying to do that, i would also strongly recommend that you don't go looking for these pictures of his. yes, you'll still know he has them, but you're just torturing yourself if you keep scrutinising and comparing. (and i don't think he should have to get rid of them - liking to look at hot girls isn't a crime - but make sure he's not dangling them in your face either). finally - and this is NOT supposed to sound insensitive - but have you tried just biting your tongue when you feel the impulse to deny his compliments or do yourself down? i think you should be talking to a councillor about things, not bottling them up, but your constant negative attitude will eventually make him sad and annoyed. again, that is NOT supposed to sound insensitive.
best of luck
Think I'll take it as an excuse to do some shopping for myself! I know that's not the solution but if I buy some stuff to pamper myself then maybe it'll help me have a better relationship with my body.
I can't deal with this.
I don't even just feel ugly right now. I feel like a horrible joke.
Have you gotten any help for the way you feel and your possible BDD? It is not fun at all to feel that way but it really can get better. I hope you can find something and someone to help.
I sort of feel your pain... My boyfriend keeps old pictures and in there are some ex's... only they aren't "major hotties" or anything and it still absoutly crushes me inside, even though I know deep inside it is an unreasonable thought. It still doesn't help much even once you know what you should think!
Feel free to pm me if you ever want to
I love Gok Wan, I think he's brilliant. But I feel good about myself for the duration of the programme. Also, many people have said that I would never be on his programmes because there's no need for me to be there. It's bollocks, but it's what folks say.
I don't want to see a councillor because I don't like the way they work. I went to one before and she tried to say my 'low, low self-esteem' was due to shit that happened with my relationship with my dad. But that's another issue entirely. I felt fine for a couple of months after that because I though there was a reason for feeling like this but I can't just pinpoint these feelings on one thing that happened to me.
And I don't want medication from a doctor.
Still has pictures of his ex? Urgh. That's the thing, they don't have to be hotties to crush you! I know one of the girls is pretty munting actually but I've read the things he wrote on his LJ about her and I just associate his feelings with her picture on her MySpace/Facebook whatever. Gah!
I know you're pretty good at giving advice - the amount of times you've helped me out! (thank you by the way :thumb:)
Just try to see it from an outside perspective. Its hard because I can easily give advice to others bout their relationships or whatever but i can't for myself.
Maybe looking at the situation objectively and thinking about what you might tell somebody else will help.
Other than this, i would say keep off his profiles/photos as seeing them will only torture you further, and as the others have said, dont compare yourself to them, theyre probably just as insecure as you are.
Thank you
Yeah, I've steered clear of these girls. I mean, I can't help it when they come up but I really have to stop going looking through their profiles!
You guys are too cute!
To me that says you are the one he fancies, and the one her finds the most beautiful.
Yeah, I guess. I just always worry that one day he'll wake up and realise that he's wasting his time. Meh.
Second. Mate I'm the most jealous and insecure motherfucker alive. I've been through stages of feeling fucking ugly. My girlfriend has been in several long term relationships, and had a fling with some guy before she met me. This guy was much older than me, had a better body e.t.c...and she was only with him a few days before she met me...makes me feel like she just settled for me, like I was a second choice cos things didn't work out you know?
But it's all a load of bullshit. She loves me, and I love her. Sure, she'll notice other guys around who she'll find attractive - some may have better bodies than me. But I notice other hot girls around all the time, and yes, some have better bodies than her. But love isn't shallow, it's not just about who has the best body. Do you get me?
We develop deeper feelings for eachother, something that only we have. No one else.
I'm sure this is the case for you aswell? You guys love eachother, there's more to love than 'who's the prettiest'.
Of course looks are a vital part of a relationship too, we don't wanna be with people who we find ugly. But if he found you ugly, he wouldn't be with you already. And who defines beauty?
I bet you're the most beautiful girl in the world to him.:)
Thank you... I really appreciated that. I mean, really. It makes a lot of sense. Thank you.