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Can't cope with being single

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

Felt the need to register here as I'm seriously not coping.

All is fine in my life - I have a good job, friends, health (I'm partially deaf but can deal with that fine) etc, and I'm happy with everything, except I utterly cannot cope with being single. When I'm in a relationship (or even if its not an official relationship but something casual) I feel on top of the world, that everything is so perfect in life and I couldn't be happier. When I'm single like now I feel like utter shit. I can't explain why, and I don't know anyone who has it as serious as me, their entire happiness in life resting solely on this one issue.

There's two parts to it - (1) for me it is very difficult to get girls. I'm confident, OK-looking, but not that tall and most problematically I'm partially deaf so can't really strike up great chat in nightclubs and stuff.. so when I do get a girl I feel pretty lucky and put effort into making sure it lasts. I'm not someone who can easily pull most times they go out / have a string of girls, so I really place high value on being with someone. (2) I just feel that as a young 20-something I should be making the most of every second. Maybe in my 30s I'll be married with kids. Till then I want to enjoy every minute of experiencing as many girls as I can (whether that's long-term relationships or a string of girls). So when its been a few months and I've been single like now I feel I'm completely wasting my life away.. if I go out clubbing and don't hook up (ie 90% of the time) I feel total shit.. I feel frustrated thinking that in this country literally millions of people hook up every Friday and Saturday night yet I'm not one of them.

The issue here is not that I want to address here is not that its hard for me to get girls - yes I can try internet dating and everything, still I normally get friendzoned whether being the nice guy or acting a bit more brash etc, only very rarely is there mutual attraction. On this Facebook app called Sparkey it tells you how many of your female friends would date you, I'm on like 7 out of 210 right now to put it into perspective. But anyway I know I'm doing the best I can, especially given my disability.

So what I want to deal with however, is how to get over this being unable to cope with being single? Its only been 2 months of singledom and I'm really beginning to lose the plot - up writing this at 12.30am when I need to be in bed latest 11pm for a full work-day ahead. Its constantly occupying my mind, the only thing I think about, the thing that single-handedly causes me to be happy/content or frustrated/upset.

Thanks in advance,
Duncan xx

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Duncan :wave:

    Welcome to the boards. Sorry to hear you're having trouble coping with being single. The fact that you recognise that it's an issue for you and you're keen to do something about it is a great start. It's also not uncommon to feel this way especially if you have recently had a girlfriend or a particulalry consuming relationship.

    You mention you're a young twenty something and should be making the most of every second. It sounds to me that with everything else going so well in your life you really are making the most of your opportunities and you should give yourself some credit for that :yes:

    It's only natural to want to be in a relationship but you have plenty of time and as cliched as it sounds, these things often do happen when you're not expecting them. And until then you can be single and happy at the same time.

    Try not to judge a successful night out on whether or not you meet a new girl. The right girl will come along at some point and when she does you will be able to deal with it more easily if you don't feel like so much depends on it going well.

    You wouldn't want to put unnecessary pressure on a new relationship either so perhaps try to take a step back. Relax and enjoy the good friends you have and try to distract yourself from focusing on it as much.

    It sounds like you're really confident in who you are and girls will be drawn to that. Don't give up, it will happen! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your sweet words Jo. But I'm afraid my situation's got a whole lot worse since I wrote that. I really should turn off these Mary J Blige, Corinne Bailey Rae, TLC, Mariah Carey love songs on my iPod (which my ex-gf stuck on at the time), really not helping!!

    I know its true things happen when you least expect them to, and not thinking about it helps, but right now its just permanently occupying my mind. Its fucking October already, time is whooshing past, and I feel I'm thoroughly wasting it by not getting any luck with the ladies.

    Worst is my social life.. I'll never go out, dance with friends and go back thinking I had a great night. If I leave 'empty-handed' I feel like complete shit, that it was a waste of my time. Because I don't really care if I had 'fun' dancing with friends hammered etc - because the next morning it doesn't really matter if I bothered to go out or not really. Whereas girls have the potential to be life-changing, or at least make me feel content for the time I'm with them.

    Bottom line is, over the last few years, when I've had a girlfriend / been with someone (who I genuinely like, if I don't really fancy them there's no point) I feel so on top of the world, so content, satisfied, settled. If I'm single and no prospects on the horizon like now I'm at an all-time low. And you'd all suggest it means I'm not happy with myself if I'm that reliant on others but I don't think so, I'm content with myself but just need that missing piece of the jigsaw to make my life complete.

    This is really affecting my job. I've started frequently going out on weekday nights trying to get lucky, getting nowhere and having 3-4hrs sleep before work. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm pretty sure everyone needs that one missing piece. That's the way life is for nearly every species.

    I'm still waiting for my first and it's just awesome! /sarcasm
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why do you need a girlfriend?

    Why do you need to hook up in clubs?

    Many people do go out on the pull and fair enough, if that's your game... But many people go out for the music too.

    Are you a student? Are there any locals clubs near you (not nightclubs, I mean kayaking, gyms, social groups)?
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    dunc2008 wrote: »

    Worst is my social life.. I'll never go out, dance with friends and go back thinking I had a great night. If I leave 'empty-handed' I feel like complete shit, that it was a waste of my time. Because I don't really care if I had 'fun' dancing with friends hammered etc - because the next morning it doesn't really matter if I bothered to go out or not really. Whereas girls have the potential to be life-changing, or at least make me feel content for the time I'm with them.

    This could maybe be the crux of the problem? You say girls have the potential to be life changing, but so do new friends. If the friends you currently have are going out and doing similar things week in, week out, then one of the ways you're going to boost your chances of sparking new interests is to get involved with new things and new people. While it is possible to meet people in clubs and bars, it's usually when you're on a night out that you're really enjoying/excited about with people who bring out the best in you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Namaste: Looking back in the past, when I was with someone I liked, it was the best feeling in the world. Its the only time I've ever been genuinely happy, content and fully relaxed. I love affection, an emotional connection, a spark, the physical turn-on, having someone there for me, being able to care for someone, yadda yadda. If I'm just hooking up with someone for the first time its just so exciting thinking there could be some future potential, and it also feels like an achievement, like its the ideal 'end result' of going out. When I'm single I feel like complete and utter shit. Its awful going out because pretty much everyone is coupled up and I feel left out, they don't help by asking how my lovelife is / why I don't have a girlfriend. And before when I've had serious relationships where they lived with me it was the best life ever. I could come home from work to have a hot meal on my table, they'd make sure I don't go to bed at stupid hours etc, now being alone I have no discipline so normally don't cook dinner and end up going to bed 2-3am on worknights.

    Namaste / Helen: I meet new people on a daily basis, through a range of somewhat contrasting, diverse types of events, from sport, music, politics related to mostly drinks events. So I meet lots of new people, never go out partying with the same group of people I have about 10 different friendship groups I switch between.. yet nearly all the time its the same thing, they want to just be friends with me and no more. I don't think there's anything that bad/wrong about me (my hearing disability can normally be covered up), its more there's nothing that special about me either, there's plenty of other guys with similar credentials and personality as me, so why choose me out of all the others out there??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you're dwelling on all the good things about being in the relationship! Isn't there anything that's better about being single? Just be happy that someday you will meet someone but until then you don't have to be told off for looking at other girls. It's not a failure to not get girls. Really you should be able to have fun just with your friends, the funny conversations that are difficult to have with girls. Are there people you can relax with? Someone will choose you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel the same

    I can sympathize with you as I myself feel this way. I have just split up with my girlfriend last week and now feel like my life is worth nothing even though I have started a new job as a highly qualified graduate. But I can't find anything to be happy about without a partner to share my life. This is not the first time I have felt this way it happens everytime I become newly single to but instead of learning to deal with the single life I spend many a drunken night in pursuit of a replacement that can make me feel loved. I have to say this is the worst I have been as this time I had been living with my ex, sharing our days and nights together. Without her I don't know what to do with myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lil lal wrote: »
    I think you're dwelling on all the good things about being in the relationship! Isn't there anything that's better about being single? Just be happy that someday you will meet someone but until then you don't have to be told off for looking at other girls. It's not a failure to not get girls. Really you should be able to have fun just with your friends, the funny conversations that are difficult to have with girls. Are there people you can relax with? Someone will choose you.
    I agree 100%
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Lewis08 wrote: »
    I can sympathize with you as I myself feel this way. I have just split up with my girlfriend last week and now feel like my life is worth nothing even though I have started a new job as a highly qualified graduate. But I can't find anything to be happy about without a partner to share my life. This is not the first time I have felt this way it happens everytime I become newly single to but instead of learning to deal with the single life I spend many a drunken night in pursuit of a replacement that can make me feel loved. I have to say this is the worst I have been as this time I had been living with my ex, sharing our days and nights together. Without her I don't know what to do with myself.

    *hugs* it is a really stressful, sad thing to happen and you're not alone with what you're experiencing right now. It's probably a good idea to start your own thread about this as you'll get some responses specifically about your situation. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello mate
    I used to feel like you but now I love it,I can go and do what I want anytime I want wherever I want!!
    Whats not to love about that.:thumb:
    Anyways,with regards to "pulling in clubs" its all about practice.You need to get used to talking to people and girls in clubs.Just talk to loads of girls when your out and have a laugh and some small talk with them.Its easy,you dont need any special stupid "lines" to talk to them.
    And as for your deafness,just tell them about it.Always be honest with women.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You shouldn't define a good night on whether you've pulled or not. Most people don't "pull" on every night out they have. I hardly ever pull but I can still have an amazing night out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lil lal wrote: »
    Isn't there anything that's better about being single?
    I honestly can't think of anything whatsoever that's better about being single. When in a relationship I can do all the things I do when I'm single - I suck at pulling birds in clubs so that's irrelevant - it makes everything better, I love going to parties and stuff with my 'other half', if its someone I like I love spending time with them, I see zero disadvantages and plenty of benefits with having a gf.
    The Leaf wrote:
    Anyways,with regards to "pulling in clubs" its all about practice.You need to get used to talking to people and girls in clubs.Just talk to loads of girls when your out and have a laugh and some small talk with them.Its easy,you dont need any special stupid "lines" to talk to them.
    I really don't know about that mate, some people have it and some people don't, it seems that simple. I've studied endless advice pieces, books, videos, courses on advice how to pick up girls, what to do/say, tried to change my approach, behaviour etc but none of it works, I always get the same hurtful "you're too nice a guy" or whatever bollocks.

    When I wrote the first post I was fairly down. Since then things have got more and more serious, to tonight I feel at an all-time low in my life, have been crying in the taxi on the way back and feel I just fucking want it all to end. Yet another late night out in the hopeless pursuit of women, whereas if I had a gf I'd be fast asleep at 11pm and be fresh for work tomorrow. Repeated trying it on with women to be halted by the most frustrating cock-blocking ever - my friends coming up and joining in the dancing, random people stealing the girls away from me. Then I met some pretty girl who said how since she broke up with her bf she just loves snogging random guys whenever she goes out, doesn't care if they're ugly or not. £30 of mojitos later I'm grinding with her, try to kiss her she turns away, I say what's wrong she gives me the whole "Oh you're too nice and sweet and decent a guy, I only snog random twats". And soon after I see some ugly random approach her and 10 seconds later she was making out with him. I left in tears. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mate - STOP going out trying to pick up. It's doing absolutely ZERO for your self asteem.

    Have you any friends of friends that you are interested in?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Namaste wrote: »
    Many people do go out on the pull and fair enough, if that's your game... But many people go out for the music too.

    I just want to be kissed, lol.

    Pretty much every time I go out I'm open to the idea of hooking up because you know.. just like girls but never happens. I don't think I'd go out just to hook up because I know it wouldn't end well. I think g angel hits the spot that you can't go out trying to hook up because you're just going to get rejected.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think, like g_angel and shyboy have pointed out, this really isn't something that's helping your self-esteem and it sounds like you've ended up tying how you feel right into something that might not be the best thing for you.

    Not everyone is the kind of person who pulls in nightclubs, and not everyone is in the mood or headspace where that's going to happen even if it might in the future or in the past.

    Coming out of a relationship where you saw everything as being great because of that relationship is going to leave you pretty much at sea afterwards. So might be a really good idea to try and find some happiness seperate from being in a relationship.

    Moodgym is a pretty useful CBT-lite online course that can be really helpful to identify what is making you feel so down and more important, where those feelings might be coming from. Maybe give it a try and see if it can help, and you might find things improve a lot if you can make pulling a less vital part of your happiness.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You spent £30 on drinks for a girl??!Never buy girls drinks,theyll treat you like a cash machine mate.Only buy her one after you`ve been talking to her for a while and she deserves it.
    Anyway,I don want to sound like Im putting you down here (Ive been here before) but to me it sounds lke when you talk to girls you want something from them,so your giving out a needy,creepy vibe maybe and thats why they say "just friends".You need to realise that having a girl wont solve all your issues and problem,in fact it will probably make it worse as your placing all your happiness outside yourself and onto another person.No way can you ever be happy like that.
    You need to work on yourself and sort your own head and emotions out before going to get girls.If your not happy with yourself a girl will never make you happy.

    Oh,and as for being born with it and not being able to get better.......its all bullshit.You can learn to be good at anything you want,whether its an instrument,writing,fitness or talking to women.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jim V wrote: »
    Moodgym is a pretty useful CBT-lite online course that can be really helpful to identify what is making you feel so down and more important, where those feelings might be coming from. Maybe give it a try and see if it can help, and you might find things improve a lot if you can make pulling a less vital part of your happiness.
    Jim, thanks v much for this link, I spent a good amount of time going through this and reading all the advice today at work. I particularly like the character profiles where you can relate to them.. and I've indeed been in the shoes of all of them at different points in my life.

    The main focus I got from it was that if you think positive you'll feel positive and be happy, and vice-versa. HOWEVER it seemed to say that to be positive in the first place you need to be confident. You can only gain confidence from experience, ie you KNOW you can do something. If you think you can do something great with zero evidence then that's maybe self-delusion or arrogance. And this is precisely my problem - on the girls front when I've got with girls that has hugely increased my confidence, and its made me a really genuinely happy, positive person - to the point where I walk to and from work with a big smile/laugh on my face, most of the time at work I'm smiling/laughing, and I have the energy to do things like intensive gym sessions. Whereas like right now, if I have a 'dry spell' where I don't at least pull a girl for a while, or even worse stupid shit like what happened last night, my confidence gets quickly crushed back to zero. Right now I'm the opposite of above - I'm lacking energy and getting into work late. I'm never smiling because I'm so angry/frustrated and want to just punch people in the face. So the poor track record of recent experience means I have poor confidence which means I have negative bad thoughts, and my health (not going to gym), appetite and work productivity all hugely suffer. The ONLY way I can bring my confidence back up is to have another bit of luck with the ladies which will bring things up again, except its harder to have that happen when not coming across as a happy smiley person can be offputting in the first place. Hence why people are either confident or have low self-esteem, it all depends on their experiences in life.

    ps. I feel I don't have much choice but to go out a lot - its always mate's birthday parties every single weekend, where I feel compelled to go, they always really appreciate you coming to things, whereas I then inevitably go home alone and get depressed about it. And secondly how am I supposed to get out of this mess if I don't go out and meet anyone, then my chances of hooking up with someone go from 1% to 0%.
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