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Coping with death
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Long post, apologies in advance. I rarely start topics so I hope that will indicate just how much I felt the need for this one.....
I have coped with a lot of deaths, my granparents (all 4 of them) friends, even my father
So I am hugely surprised at how I am feeling right now regarding my neightbours death.
I dont really know why I am posting this. Advice? Comfort? Just to get it off my chest? All 3?
Basically last year, my cousin got married. A few of the people who live near me attended, including my neighbour and her partner. I remember her walking in and thinking "wow she scrubs up well", she looked really pretty. They had a great night, and we were all dancing and having fun.
I think this was the most I have ever spoken to her, certainly the most time I have ever spent with her.
We are typical neighbours. Say hello, ask how the kids are, wave if we see each other in the car....
Anyhow, not long after the wedding, I heard a rumour that she had cancer. Since it is not something those who have it brag about, nor something that those who dont have feel they can ask about, it didnt really cross my mind.
A few months ago, I noticed she had a wig on. Presumed she did have cancer and was having chemo and left it at that. Besides the wig, she looked great. Smiling as always, fetching and carrying her daughter....
My mum commented that she looked tired, slimmer and that she didnt see her as much, but I didnt really agree.
Then out of the blue, her and her partner got married. They have been together years, have a daughter (about 7yrs old?) and seemed fine how they were. Mum thought the worst and said maybe she was getting worse and they decided to make it official. I however, (always the optimist) thought maybe she was on the mend and they realised that marriage was the next step after all they had been through.
Come home from work tuesday, and sees a local priest leaving the street (its a close, so i knew he had been to someone close by) and later on a private ambulance. Hoped that they'd just taken her to hospital or summat. Didnt sleep much.
Hear on Friday that she had infact died on the tuesday. And to be honest I am devastated. I feel selfish and guilty for feeling this way. I mean, who am I? A neighbour who rarely spoke in length to the woman. Her poor newly married husband is now a widow, her young daughter motherless, yet I have the cheek to feel like this.
I find myself thinking about it all the time. Things are running through my head which shouldnt be, they are pointless, speculation and maybe to some, voyeristic ( I wont go into detail unless anyone feels it necessary)
I am familiar with empathy, I have felt it for many a friend/relative, but this somehow feels different.
I feel guilty for being so upset when I hardly knew her.
I feel guilty for washign my hair, because I knew she lost hers.
I feel bad when I kiss my fiance, as she can no longer do the same.
I feel guilty when I spend time with my mum, as I know her daughter no longer can.
As said, I dont know why I have posted this. I do not know what I am looking for, what to expect or what you may reply with, if indeed you reply at all.
Tis all.
I have coped with a lot of deaths, my granparents (all 4 of them) friends, even my father
So I am hugely surprised at how I am feeling right now regarding my neightbours death.
I dont really know why I am posting this. Advice? Comfort? Just to get it off my chest? All 3?
Basically last year, my cousin got married. A few of the people who live near me attended, including my neighbour and her partner. I remember her walking in and thinking "wow she scrubs up well", she looked really pretty. They had a great night, and we were all dancing and having fun.
I think this was the most I have ever spoken to her, certainly the most time I have ever spent with her.
We are typical neighbours. Say hello, ask how the kids are, wave if we see each other in the car....
Anyhow, not long after the wedding, I heard a rumour that she had cancer. Since it is not something those who have it brag about, nor something that those who dont have feel they can ask about, it didnt really cross my mind.
A few months ago, I noticed she had a wig on. Presumed she did have cancer and was having chemo and left it at that. Besides the wig, she looked great. Smiling as always, fetching and carrying her daughter....
My mum commented that she looked tired, slimmer and that she didnt see her as much, but I didnt really agree.
Then out of the blue, her and her partner got married. They have been together years, have a daughter (about 7yrs old?) and seemed fine how they were. Mum thought the worst and said maybe she was getting worse and they decided to make it official. I however, (always the optimist) thought maybe she was on the mend and they realised that marriage was the next step after all they had been through.
Come home from work tuesday, and sees a local priest leaving the street (its a close, so i knew he had been to someone close by) and later on a private ambulance. Hoped that they'd just taken her to hospital or summat. Didnt sleep much.
Hear on Friday that she had infact died on the tuesday. And to be honest I am devastated. I feel selfish and guilty for feeling this way. I mean, who am I? A neighbour who rarely spoke in length to the woman. Her poor newly married husband is now a widow, her young daughter motherless, yet I have the cheek to feel like this.
I find myself thinking about it all the time. Things are running through my head which shouldnt be, they are pointless, speculation and maybe to some, voyeristic ( I wont go into detail unless anyone feels it necessary)
I am familiar with empathy, I have felt it for many a friend/relative, but this somehow feels different.
I feel guilty for being so upset when I hardly knew her.
I feel guilty for washign my hair, because I knew she lost hers.
I feel bad when I kiss my fiance, as she can no longer do the same.
I feel guilty when I spend time with my mum, as I know her daughter no longer can.
As said, I dont know why I have posted this. I do not know what I am looking for, what to expect or what you may reply with, if indeed you reply at all.
Tis all.
0
Comments
I'm sure this lady would not have wanted you to feel guilty after her death as it sounds as if you have no reason to be. Try thinking that at least she was loved and cared for right up until the end whilst so many people die alone. And yes it's awful, but like we have had to in the past (my father also died when I was 13), her family will also learn to grieve and live with what happened and continue their lives as she would've wanted them to.
If you want to cry and be upset, then do it. Don't feel bad for doing so. Enough people do for people they have never even met (such as celebs). Not that there's anything worng with that either.
As you know it just takes time