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Shy and mighty
**helen**
Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
Should we suppress shyness or should we embrace it? This is the latest issue in our rants section. Find out what Rosemary is angry about.
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There something to be said for maybe being a bit reserved and not obnoxiously loud, but I'm several million miles away from being proud of my awesome ability to clam up in every social situation.
You can be confident and not loud. In fact, most of the loud people I've met are desperately trying to cover up their insecurity and shyness.
I'd give my right ball for a drug that cured shyness. Hear that scientists! My right testicle is yours if you can make me confident.
I don't like this though:
If you're shy you should be proud of it and rejoice in the fact that you aren't an irritatingly loud person
Yeh like cos every non-shy person is irritatingly loud? :rolleyes:
Agreed. I'm shy and most of my friends are loud. I always get told off because I don't talk enough.
:yes: I would personally find this very rude.
quoted for truth.
Fools speak because they have to say something.
So shy people or slightly reserved people can sometimes and often do suprise people, they sit back and watch things unfold better than others might.
Except that 99% of shy people won't be sitting back watching things unfold. They'll be so busy worrying about how they're coming over, should they say something, do people like them that they don't attention to anything happening outside their little bubble.
There's a fallacy that all shy people are quiet and that all quiet people are shy. A confident person is more likely to sit back and let a conversation flow than someone who's terrified of awkward silence and rushes to fill the gaps with bullshit. Ditto being loud. Someone who's secure in themselves doesn't need to make a spectacle, someone who's trying to prove themselves will.
Being shy doesn't somehow elevate you to another plane of conversational insight.
Sorry, no one should be proud of being shy. I'm not. It's the bane of my fucking life.
Now I'm off to bed for a restless night of soul searching because I'm too shy to ask a girl out for a drink. If anyone can point me to the benifits of being shy please do, I'd love to hear them. 'Cos as far as I'm concerned it's an albatross around my neck. A social awkward albatross who can't have normal conversations with people even though he's cool as fuck.
But I agree with the rant. Lacking confidence isn't a condition that needs curing. There might be certain conditions that manifest themselves in a lack of confidence, but the lack of confidence is just the symptom, not the condition. Confidence is something that can be built up merely by putting yourself in the situation more often, I think. But of course the problem with that is that you have to essentially be able to get through the bit where you're not very good at whatever you're doing (as is often the case with anything you're doing for the first time), and I guess this is where shy people have the problem and avoid doing it rather than putting themselves through it no matter how cringeworthy. But there are a lot of actors and comedians who are famously shy off-stage, for example. But they're confident in their abilities in that particular task, and so they appear outgoing and relaxed. I suspect that a hell of a lot of academics have the same sort of problem when they have to present their research to a room full of people for the first time.
I used to be quite shy as a kid and it was never a positive thing. It would manifest itself in me refusing to do things that I was afraid of failing at, and if I'm honest, even affected me right up until university. That included stuff like asking girls out, competing at sports, speaking in front of class or in a play, even trying out a different haircut in case everyone pointed and laughed. It's actually less about failing, and more about what other people would think of you. I had no problem with failing. I once had a situation where I fancied a girl, knew she fancied me too, and was so bothered about what people would think that I didn't do anything about it. And it was completely irrational, because it's not as if she wasn't a good looking girl either. It's not so much about failing, but other people finding out that you've failed. I think that's why in my university options, I picked the one with the lower requirements as my first choice, and then switched when I got good enough grades. It was close between the two universities (the lower one had a larger practical element that interested me), but I think the requirements just swung it, so that I wouldn't have that disappointment in front of my parents. Then during university, I sort of got over myself and stopped caring what anyone else thought (in a good way).
Ironically now, I probably most quiet with my existing friends. With new groups of people, I'm actually quite sociable, because to some degree I make a conscious effort to talk to new people more. But I'm certainly not nervous in that situation, and don't really care what they think of me.
That being said, being shy, or even quiet is nevertheless going to have at least some negative impact in your life. Of course it's good to be able to lean back and not having to make the most of yourself all the time, but there are undeniably situations where you need to be extrovert, ongoing and show initiative, such as when working as a manager in some companies or when applying for a leadership position. I think that shy/quiet people, at least to some extent, have less chances of success in such positions in general and in the long run.
Really interesting post.
Have to say I agree and disagree with the rant to differening extents. It isn't a bad thing to be quiet, reserved, to stop and think for an extra moment before you talk. But I think, as IWS said, it is a fear of real situations which you shouldn't have to avoid for your whole life.
How many people refuse to go out to parties if there are people they don't know because they're nervous about all the what ifs. I mean, it even comes through in the rant: "Tests have shown that this drug is more likely to make us approach strangers and give money to charity. Great, so we're going to end up broke and drugged, but at least we'll be sociable."
Stranger danger. So you go through your life, unable to make social connections which are -incredibly- important to your emotional wellbeing, as I know too well. I suffered from bad anxiety where it would manifest itself physically as well. So throwing up, diahrea etc. which is more extreme than a bit of shyness, but its all on the same scale.
It's ironic maybe I'm saying extreme shyness is a bad thing with my name being shyboy, but I think the point I'm really trying to make is that it's ok to be reserved, and think things through. But it's not ok to let the anxiety control you and stop you living your life.
When I see people who give in to it and wont expose themselves to situations, I feel bad for them. And I do turn into the annoying person trying to bring (some) people out of their shells at university. And in 90% of cases, it works. It doesn't mean turning into someone who is loud and obnoxious, because if you're a quiet person - then thats just who you are. But its about having that quiet confidence and ability to fulfill your hopes and goals, and not letting things get in the way. It's incredible how a -tiny- bit of acceptance can help someone feel better about talking about themselves and so on.
Sorry, I might have ranted a bit and missed the point just because of my own experiences . But - if you don't believe in yourself, who will?
edit: also don't like the dig at pharma companies, yes they make money like any other business, but they do it by producing medicines that help people. The fact is people just want something to hate, whether its big corporations, the government, microsoft, they will always be easy targets... nobody ever blames the dodgy mechanic round the corner, or in fact, themselves...
One example - I certainly remember the reaction when I went to a TheSite meet a few years back now. Several members accused me of the heinous crime of being rude to them. They know who they are. Since then, I've come to realise that shyness is a gift that can be used to my own advantage. It can help me to get out of doing something I don't really want to do. I've also noticed that these same people would accuse me of rudeness regardless of what I did. If I'd told them the truth - that I simply didn't want to be seen dead chatting to these certain individuals. Therefore, their opinions count for nothing. Some would say this is an extreme approach, but it works well for me.
Some would also argue that I couldn't ever be called shy in a month of Sundays. Think what you like, really. People care far too much what others think. If you're perceived as shy, it's not a criminal offence. It can be your greatest asset - you just don't know it yet.
However much it makes me kind of depressed for being as shy as I am, I don't let people around me making me out to be someone I'm not. I've changed so many perceptions that people thought of me over the years, and it makes them realise that not everyone who doesn't talk alot, is boring, or just a social outcast.
The point is, I can be open and honest to people, as long as they are open and honest to me. If someone makes the first move to have a conversation, and where it isn't just small talk, then I'd open up, letting them get to know me.
I'm not making much sense right now, I'm about to hit the hay.
Pretending to be confident and loud, even though I can't always do it, is a million times better than sitting in the corner of a room and being unable to talk.
(I'm horribly jetlagged right now, so I've no idea if what I'm saying is in any way valid.)
I hate my shyness, it's stopped me from working, socialising and having a relationship. If it's an asset, I'm definitely missing something.
Most of my shyness came from a lack of self esteem and belief,like "Im not cool enough,she doesnt want to talk to me" crap.
So Id say once you have a good self image and a bit of belief you`ll handle things a lot better.
Whats the worst that could happen anyway?:thumb:
I agree 100% with Inifinite.
I'm not shy as such, more quiet (although some people I know will claim I never shut up). I know how to talk to people and I know how to fake my confidence/hide my shyness enough in social situations, buts its not always easy for everyone to do.
Dude, you should have stuck with what you originally said.
didn't want the aggro.
Pffft! Wuss
Even when I was at college, after about 2 months, I was getting more comfortable around the people who where there, and the staff even picked up on how I work (with the whole working out the body language of people etc.)
Aww, I wanna know what he said originally now.
This basically describes me as I was growing up, and to an extent the person I am today. Shyness definitely is not a positive thing. I am such a negative person and I'd put it right down the beign shy. What's funny is that it never bothered me until I left school and I seemed to become more aware of it and in doing so it got worse. Because of this I started to suffer in confidence, eventually having very little confidence and self esteem.
Ironically I was bullied in every school I went to and into high school but it NEVER botherd me, honestly I took it im my stride. Name calling and people trying to fight with me it never got to me nor bothered me throughouy my school years.
The funny thing is after leaving school that's when it started bothering me, the name calling and people wanting to pick fights / bully me. I'm an odd shy type though. Deep down I know I have the confidence to be the person I really want to be I just cannot get that out into the physical world.
The first part I have quoted I'm_with_stupid on essentially describes me perfectly both now and in the past. I am afraid sometimes to do knew thing's for fear of failing, for fear of feeling that i know I'm going to fail. The difference for me personally is that It's not about how people see me, part of me really doesn't care how people see me, then sometimes, for example my lack of social life, I feel I want to go out on the weekends with what little friends I know and I'll hold myself back because I think people will see me as some fat teetoal out of place idiot.
Today I'm a very different person to the child I grew up as. Ask any person who knew me as a youngster and compare that with me today and they will see a HUGE difference. That is because I chose to chang emyself. I chose to try to built my confidence. I made myself believe that if I could fool people into thinking I was confidence I would get on fine and to be honest that worked for me, and it still does in between fluctuations of lacking in confidence.
I used to be known as the one who would sit in the corner of the room on his own and not say a word, now I can stand in the middle of the room and chit chat with friends and even strangers, all because I pushed myself that little bit further.
The problem I have now is that i feel all this is slipping and I'm going back into my shell as people to to call it. I'm not outgoing anymore, I go quiet a fair bit again. My lack of confidence in previous years and even today effects me to the point that sometimes I even go to post a message on a forum I read then delete what I wrote and close the window. Their are various reasons for this but it happens quite often.
Shyness is not a good thing. It most definitely is not an easy thing to try to get away from but it is possible. it's almost like an everyday battle with confidence shyness etc.
One other thing I'd like to quote, by MrG :
This is another statement that can be used to describe me, especially the bit in bold. I am well known, for example, say sitting in a car on a journey and just sitting in silence watching and listening to everything that is being said rarely saying a word.
I tell you though I would absolutely love to be a much more confident person than I am now, even with my boosted confidence. It really is shit being the shy lacking in confidence type.
Doctor Pepper could eat you!
The jobs that I've had also mean I've had to let this go. When you work in an arcade, you meet a lot of people who openly lie in order to get things from you. For example, you get people claiming they've spent £20 and still not got a teddy. Usually, one look at the computer confirms they're lying about it and you have to confront them about it. If you're shy, they're going to walk right over you. It's not much fun accusing someone of lying, but if that's what they're going to do, I have every right to take them up on it. This one gets it. When I see someone who is quieter, I normally think "ah, this is a person who will have the time to listen to me. This is a person whom I can ultimately trust.". It's certainly not something that I feel immediately towards social butterflies.
Maybe - and perhaps in the rant also. In hindsight I think Rosemary may have been referring to introversion in her last paragraph - but hey ho - the overall point was about the drugs anyway.
However, imo, there's a fine line between introversion and extroversion for many people. I strongly believe that most people have elements of both and except in extreme cases it can be quite hard to label someone either way.
But what's striking about this thread is how many people are really struggling with their shyness. I was a painfully shy teenager (lots of what I'm With Stupid said rings true for me) and still suffer from periods of low confidence now. The most productive thing that I've worked on mastering over the years is taking a leap of faith and this applies to everyday small decisions and massive ones too. If I'm really mserable about a situation, then I'll take a risk to improve it and 'What have you got to lose' is one of my favourite sayings. Now, I'm not saying it's easy, or that I always get it right - that would be an outright lie But for me, confidence is like anything - it takes practice - and practice makes perfect