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When its great but maybe not love, yet?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Im very independant and have spend a big part of my life single, having the odd brief relationship and have always been happy with that. I can honestly say that I don't feel the need to be in a relationship. Im now he wrong side of 30, have all the nice things around me, great friends, career, business etc and have no real desire to have a family.

A few months back I met a girl who is in my experience is that rare thing, very pretty, intelligent, etc yet still a very nice but down to earth honest person. There is certainly an attraction which after some questioning of my feelings made me take it further. She previously married very young, was divorced a few years back through no fault of her own and has until meeting me prefered to dodge male attention since all the heartbreak the ex caused her and their two children. I find her very attractive, like spending time with her and get pleasure from making her happy again, so uncharacteristically have let my guard down and have continued the relationship.

The thing is its all very, very pleasant, I look after her, we go out, have good times, enjoy each others company, sleep togeather and enjoy really nice intimacy etc when our schedules allow. What more could anyone want? I really like her alot but I just don't feel the Love thing that makes me want to live with her full time and share my whole world with her forever or go crazy. She has her own very nice home and hectic life full of commitments away from me, I likewise enjoy time away from her doing all my hobbies etc as I've always done. My life is and has always been managed to be uncomplicated bar work and business commitment. Cynical friends as much as they think she is genuine and very nice love to point out the fact im financially far more vunerable than her should things go further as half of my hard earnt pile which I built from nothing would set anyone up a while, plus I bring no baggage as she does should I get involved in her childrens lives too. Its wrong to think of this but im not daft enough to ignore it and know what friends have lost when blinded by a relationship which went too far then ended badly. Maybe I don't feel strongly enough if im not blinded enough to disregard all of this? After considering everything when we have our time togeather as a couple its great, as well as being nice to have someone out there to do this stuff with or that you know cares. Im not looking at other women at all, she is all I need in that department. I've never cheated on any GF and certainly wouldnt with her as she deserves respect.

I could carry on as we are togeather indefinetely, its all very pleasant all the ingredients are there, im happy and satisfied as its the best of both lifestyles for me. The way people live is changing, does it have to be all or nothing as long as two people genuinely care, are happy and are faithfull? Im just getting the feeling that she maybe is feeling the Love thing herself, is about to come out with it and will want much more commitment from me or may be disapointed if I don't reciprocate with the Love word. I want to continue with her as she is great, it would be wrong to do what I've seen so many of my friends do and play along with it all, get involved with her kids, share a home etc when my feelings are at least currently more really like/find attractive/care for than love. Do that and its only a matter of time before it unravels. I feel I need to tell her all this but it will cause upset and I could blow a nice relationship where my feelings could potentially change in time, which even if they didnt I would be happy to continue at its current pace. A friend of mine is 10yrs older than me and he and his GF have both been married before and they have a relationship where they live apart but do couple things togeather yet are faithful and care very much for each other. They are both happy with that and its what would suit me at this point unless my feelings change. I mentioned my friends relationship to my GF and she thinks it wierd, I don't know if she realised I was sounding her out.

You would think in my mid 30's I would have this relationship thing licked, this one is just difficult as I love our current set up, really like this girl and she definetely likes me. I just respect her so much and have a concience, don't want to mess up anyones life, head etc. Everything is right except the genuine feeling of being in love and I don't know what to do about it, talk about it with her and potentially end up finishing or hope the feeling comes over time.

Sorry for droning on but im interested how any women feel about this, especially those closer to my age.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay well I'm only 18 so I don't know a lot but the way I see it is sometimes full-blown love might not be the best for a life-long relationship and it depends how important being head-over heels is to you. My parents were crazy in love with eachother but it was explosive and they always ending up fighting.

    What do you want from this relationship? Or what do you want in general, marriage and kids?

    If you want the Love thing then I don't think you can ever grow a spark with someone you can grow to love people but it's not the same so if you want that then maybe you should consider moving on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think youre looking for problems where there are none. Worrying about what she may want, when she hasnt said it yet. She might be perfectly happy the way things are. You may be more financially vulnerable, but she is more emotionally vulnerable and she has to think about how it may effect her children too. I think it sounds like she has a lot more to lose should this all go tits up than you do.
    If the conversation does come up then i think you just need to be honest. You havent said anything or done anything that could really be hurtful, its just a case of havent fallen in love yet. Love doesnt have to be instant. It sounds like the foundations are there for it to quite possibly be just round the corner but whatever you do, dont say it till you feel it and dont be sitting there panicking about not feeling it when she does because thats just pressure. Just enjoy it for what it is.

    I actually get a feeling that you feel youre a bit above her. Almost patronising. I say that so you can reflect on that, rather than take that as me insulting you because im not trying to.
    If you dont think you could handle the whole family and stepdad thing now, what is likely to change? She DOES have children. I notice you refer to them as baggage. This obviously takes more thought than a relationship with someone who doesnt have children, but you might not get on so well with someone else - children or no children.

    I didnt fall in love with my boyfriend as quickly as he fell in love with me, although i still fell - and hard. It just wasnt an instant thing.

    I think youre so worried about losing your best of both worlds set up, its putting up a barrier in your head to just going with the flow.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    TheCure wrote: »
    im financially far more vunerable than her should things go further as half of my hard earnt pile which I built from nothing would set anyone up a while

    Quick one - wouldn't this only really be an issue if you married the girl. She wouldn't be entitled to anything until that point - and there is really no need to get married.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess that it might be easier for you to be upfront now exactly what it is that you want from the relationship. It might be that she feels the same as you - happy to do couply things - which she may be - she might want to keep you as a boyfriend on the side and not as a step dad to her kids.

    On the otherhand she might as you have said found herself falling in love with you - the only way you can work it out is to ask her really.

    I dont' think that it would be a terrible opening line to say - i think we have something amazing going and i want to keep it going as it is - i dont' want anything more.

    However I guess the thing is is this really what you want!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One important point you have to understand is people get into relationship for all sorts of reason and love is not necessarily the primary reason for it.

    You have mentioned a number of positive aspects to the relationship. The negative points you have raised seem to be that you are not madly in love with this woman and you have more to lose monetarily should the relationship go down the drain; however, the negative still seems to be outnumbered by the positive. You may think that one cannot make a clear comparison because the factors are not equal. Even so, it is possible to deal with the negative points: first, relationships aren?t necessarily based on love, and second, prenuptial agreement; however, this raises its own set of conundrums.

    If she comes out and discusses love and further commitment, the best thing to do is to be honest. If you are not prepared to take it to the next level, then this is what you have to say. Repeat the positive things you have said here: you care for her very much, you enjoy your moments together; she makes life better for you in many ways; however you are not ready to take it up to the next level. If she is worth your while, then she must understand the position you are in. It may not be pleasant for her ? hence you must make it up and make her feel important ? yet it is still the better alternative than having to tolerate a lie. You have to be courageous about this

    Frankly, I am in a similar situation. My girl seems to be more enthralled with the relationship than I. Yet it is still a meaningful relationship. I have never mentioned love, nor have she, but our actions show plenty of affection towards each other. I doubt I will ever raise the issue of love but I think someday she might. When the time comes, what I will say to her is that I do not know what love is ? and there is plenty of truth in that: from what I have experienced in the past, I am quite unsure what to believe. A thing about love is it is open to interpretation; and interpretation is subjective. One thing you can perhaps be objective about is behaviour.

    So you could tell your girl that you are unsure about love; about what it truly is. However, you care very much for her and your actions speak louder than three over-used words. (Frankly, though, it is still great to hear it from someone you genuinely love, but you are not. Plus, this is all for her ? to soften the blow ? and not necessarily for you.)

    Do not mention the issue about money. Nobody likes being perceived as a gold-digger, plus this may further tarnish her view of you

    That is it for now. I have more to say but I am tired of writing. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. I hope this helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks folks for taking the time to add some opinions, some good stuff in there. Interesting to read other peoples unbiased thoughts, rather than close friends telling you what you want to hear.

    This past week has been interesting as Im away for a few weeks. Prior to this we had been spending all of our free time togeather and I never got much time to think about my feelings, just brief moments to consider my fears which often seem to kick in first. For the first few days on my own it felt like my old life was back and on the plus side I didnt need to consider someone else in everything I do and I had the choice of stay in or go out without having feel I was making excuses and maybe disapointing her if I didnt go around. Being honest I really felt I could maybe wind up the relationship without being too bothered as in my mind at that point I felt it could possibly be better in the long run. Now a week in its all on its head, ive had time to myself and im missing her. Hows that figure? I'm thinking that I really like the relationship as it is but as I previously thought im just not ready to take it any further than where its at for a while. The safe side of my nature is looking too far forward.

    The financial thing makes me sound very selfish but I assure you thats not the case. Im just being realistic.I have worked hard, been through tough times and I came from a family with nothing etc to get to where I have. In the past I've made personal sarifices to build my financial security, im always going to protect that as Im finally reaping the rewards of my hard effort. My nature is to always play it safe, can't you tell! I've seen friends lose so much when what once seemed perfect went terribly wrong. I guess when you get a bit older and your friends use you as their agony uncle you become very cynical about how things can go wrong and look for potential problems before they are even there. When you live in a very nice, big house on your own, your partner has a nice enough place but has a discounted mortgage deal coming to an end and it takes all their money to run and keep the family in that home, the moving in question may arise a little too soon as it seems more practical, then its all very full on, children involved and common law partners soon gain entitlement to have their llifestyle maintained should things go pear shaped. Relationships are alot easier with two partners on equal financial footing. When I was skint money was never an issue in relationships and its easy for people with nothing themselves to judge or make you out as selfish.

    I understand the childrens point of view, I was in their exact position when I was a kid and it wasnt easy. I understand their potential feelings or what worries they may have when parents have new partners, especially if they end up living with them. They have to come first and I only want involvement with them if im here to stay. I also have to consider their fathers feelings, I don't know him, never know I might even like the guy but the fact is they are his children, he's their Dad and I'm in his teritory so I guess he's someone else I will have to reassure somehow. I've never wanted kids but always said if it happened I would do the best I could and always give them what I didnt have, not just financially but security and someone they know cares and helps them out with stuff. Now I potentially find myself with two of someone elses, same rules would apply but don't you want to do it out of love rather than because you have a concience and always want to do the right thing?

    I don't think I look down on her, we come from similar backgrounds, hers probably a bit better, both of us are professional people (although her career is on hold because of the children). Our differences are only financial and the fact she has children and I don't.

    To turn it on its head would she still be as interested in me if I was not so well off and I was the full time father of a couple of kids to add into her world? Its only a hypothetical question so only she would ever know the real answer.

    I think we are going to have a week or so enjoying each others company when I get back and see how things develop. If my doubts are still there then we will have to have to talk, I will lay all my thoughts on the table as tactfully as I can, she can hopefully do the same and either carry on as we are (if she is happy with that indefinetely) or until things change and we both want to be a full part of each other lives. If that don't work out then I guess it will have to be the most difficult course of action.
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