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How to find a healthy middle on this?

Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
Years ago (like, when I was in my teens) I used to think that every girl who was being nice to me (as in, smiling, chatting to me etc) fancied me. The only way I'd realise, in each specific case, that this wasn't so was if I was explicitly told.
At some point, I realised that people are just being nice and that it doesn't mean much by itself. That realisation however didn't mean that these thought stopped happening right away, in fact they never did. So I applied a second layer on thoughts on top of them, which cancels them out.
Currently, I still do think on the "inside" that every girl/woman who's being nice to me fancies me, but the "second layer" cancels that thought so on the "outside" (my actions etc) it's as if I'm sure that no one does and no one will. So now, the only way I'd know if someone did fancy me would be if I was explicitly told.

Although I guess that this way I'm not going to have any trouble or embarrassing moments, it's not a healthy way to think either, is it?
How do I find some balance? Is it even possible to find it? :chin:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It actually does sound balanced to me. I may have read your post wrong but it just sounds like you have a degree of uncertainity which seems perfectly natural. Maybe you are a happy medium and you don't know it? :)

    If a bloke wolf whistles me then in my head I spend ages convincing myself that he was taking the piss and somehow meant it in an ironic way just because that is what I am used to. I think a huge ego is much less attractive than modesty.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    It actually does sound balanced to me. I may have read your post wrong but it just sounds like you have a degree of uncertainity which seems perfectly natural. Maybe you are a happy medium and you don't know it? :)
    I don't think it's balanced... :chin: It seems like I went from one end to the opposite. I can't see any way that I could have more uncertainty really...
    I think a huge ego is much less attractive than modesty.
    Well, thanks for that. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I agree that this sounds pretty balanced. There's two strong trains of thought, one that every girl who is friendly fancies you, and one that there's no way she would fancy you, and I guess if they're used together they weaken each other and balance out. Neither one's good one their own. But you've recognised that they're both sort of instincts, and may not represent reality. What do you think would be an ideal healthy middle?
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I think you misunderstood... Or perhaps I have?
    I don't think they're not being used together and weaken each other, I think the "outer" one completely cancels the "inner" one, as if the latter doesn't exist. As far as the world is concerned anyway.

    I'm not sure what a healthy middle would be... Perhaps one where I could act like it's possible for someone to fancy me without waiting to be explicitly told. Isn't that what most people are like?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you misunderstood... Or perhaps I have?
    I don't think they're not being used together and weaken each other, I think the "outer" one completely cancels the "inner" one, as if the latter doesn't exist. As far as the world is concerned anyway.

    I'm not sure what a healthy middle would be... Perhaps one where I could act like it's possible for someone to fancy me without having to be explicitly told. Isn't that what most people are like?

    Ah ok, well in that case I still agree with what was said above, that modesty is much more attractive than an ego. It's not good to have too low an opinion of yourself though, I think everyone is their own worst critic. I guess a healthy middle would be to think it's definitly possible someone may fancy you, particularly if they act like they do, but don't just presume they will unless told otherwise. Which is pretty much what you've suggested! Maybe as if people in general will fancy you, probably without ever telling you, but don't presume a specific person will. OR, focus more on the question, do you fancy them? And count them lucky if you do!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Basically you need to be able to recognise flirting so you can sort the friendly from the fanciers.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I suppose that's it... And there's already a lot of literature on the topic, I guess.
    Thanks to everyone who replied :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah, I'm like you, but I'm pretty blunt, so if a girl is like that to me, I will just ask if she fancies me. I think this is the easiest way and saves a lot of time and hassle.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    yeah, I'm like you, but I'm pretty blunt, so if a girl is like that to me, I will just ask if she fancies me. I think this is the easiest way and saves a lot of time and hassle.
    But it also makes it apparent to people that you often think you're being fancied when you're not. I think I'd rather that not be obvious.
    Not to mention that it might get someone mad, in which case I'd likely also lose her simply company, which I can't see affording to in the foreseeable future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But it also makes it apparent to people that you often think you're being fancied when you're not. I think I'd rather that not be obvious.
    Not to mention that it might get someone mad, in which case I'd likely also lose her simply company, which I can't see affording to in the foreseeable future.

    Well, it's not like I reach a personal, spend reasonable time with each other, basis with every girl every two weeks.

    And I couldn't even imagine why someone could be mad. And if, I don't think i would want to be closer to that person anyway.

    but different strokes for different folks.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I just had a related conversation...

    The point is that, when I fancy someone, I usually do all I can to pretend I don't. Because I tend to fancy everyone (like I said) that I don't think is ugly and/or rude, and if I let that show it would probably cause some awkwardness. But if they don't fancy me back I'd rather have them as a friend or simply someone to talk to, and the awkwardness would probably stop that from happening, is what I meant above.
    So I don't let it show, unless it seems they do fancy me (which has never happened so far, or at least I never recognised it).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps you should scrutinize their body language during such social intercourse and also the pupil of the eyes-they tend to expand with 'attraction'...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lol. Yeah, I just assume all the girls who are nice, fancy me. And even those who aren't nice, still fancy me even if they don't know it!

    Nah. I just think it's important not to let your imagination run away. Lol, when I fancy a girl, I interpret all her nice actions as flirting, but better to be an optimist :thumb:
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