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fathers at the birth

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Comments

  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    What I object to is you making stupid comments like that that is completely irrellevant to the case - the guy in THIS CASE is NOT the nicest guy in the world and BB clearly isn't wanting to do this to get revenge or something.
    And I'm obviously not talking about THIS CASE, nor am I the first one to say something that isn't about THIS CASE in here. I've already said what I think about THIS CASE.
    Although I'll accept that this isn't the place for it.
    you seem to be quite anti woman at the moment, or at least anti pregnant woman
    Sorry to express myself like this, but there's no other way I can say it: You're an idiot if you think that.

    Anyway, BB, if I said something that made you feel bad I'm sorry. I'm totally with you on this matter, I think you're doing the right thing, as I've said before. In fact I wouldn't object at all if you decided to never tell him at all.
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,193 Skive's The Limit
    Is the father violent then?
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Skive wrote: »
    Is the father violent then?

    he has never hit me but he has stood over me and shouted at me which to me is very threatening. and he forced his way into my home by basically breaking the lock on the door.
    as i say he has never hit me but i do feel that he could lash out. which worries me as what if he has the baby, it wont stop crying for what ever reason and he just loses his temper and hits it etc?
    he has told me that in his past he has punched people and knocked them out because 'its part of his job' or it 'needed to be done' which to me is rubbish!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This guy is already playing up and the child isn't even born yet. I don't think SCC misses the point in her posts at all, but I do think that some of the people who think she does have no idea what it's like to be a parent or to have to consider issues like custody for real.

    I suggested a mediator and SCC said why dont guys get that being nasty is not going to hel and I said fair enough but it can sometimes be a two way personality conflict so a go between (and now the fact that there is a chance ov violence its even more important to have supervised access) can help take heat out of the situation.

    But then SCC I think implies I'm a twat later on in the thread :confused: my point of view still stands, don't know whether BB wants it or not. Get a mediator and look into supervised access if you think he might be violent. Then you don't even need to deal with him yourself. And you're under no obligation to tell the father when the kid is born.

    I don't like to be painted as a troublemaker, I think I'm trying to give a neutral point of view, thats not loaded with emotion. "Just don't see him again"?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well i think anyone who thinks otherwise than keep yourself and your baby well away from aggressive people is a bit of a twat and/or naive.
    Shes responsible to herself and to her child. Not to a guy who has shown strong aggressive abusive tendencies.

    Im not some sort of man-hater. My ex has plenty of access to my son. I dont even ask for maintenance. My son grew up with my ex for four years, they have a relationship. If my ex had started being an abusive cock when i was pregnant though I would have just left and he could swing for wanting to see the baby for all i cared. Its a good thing to have a good father who cares. It sounds like this guy just wants to get back at BB for something and she quite rightly wants to protect her child. Its all very well saying "well how violent is he?" as though there is a certain amount that its ok, but when youre talking about letting someone look after your baby, then you have to be as sure as possible that you trust the person and that its going to be ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well i think anyone who thinks otherwise than keep yourself and your baby well away from aggressive people is a bit of a twat and/or naive.
    Shes responsible to herself and to her child. Not to a guy who has shown strong aggressive abusive tendencies.

    Im not some sort of man-hater. My ex has plenty of access to my son. I dont even ask for maintenance. My son grew up with my ex for four years, they have a relationship. If my ex had started being an abusive cock when i was pregnant though I would have just left and he could swing for wanting to see the baby for all i cared. Its a good thing to have a good father who cares. It sounds like this guy just wants to get back at BB for something and she quite rightly wants to protect her child. Its all very well saying "well how violent is he?" as though there is a certain amount that its ok, but when youre talking about letting someone look after your baby, then you have to be as sure as possible that you trust the person and that its going to be ok.

    you seem to be misisng the point ive tried to make, its not just her baby, its Their baby, and he has a right to know his child has been born and then a right for access, just because the woman doenst like him doesnt change that fact
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Territt wrote: »
    you seem to be misisng the point ive tried to make, its not just her baby, its Their baby, and he has a right to know his child has been born and then a right for access, just because the woman doenst like him doesnt change that fact

    yes it is our baby together but just because he was there when i got pregnant does not automatically give him right as far as im concerned. if he had been around and been suportive through my pregnancy, showed an interest from day one and had been helping me out financially to provide for the baby then yes he has right to be there at the birth, be there when ever he wants.
    but he hasnt. all he has done is stress me and threaten me and has no offered me any financial help which he did promise me on the day we found out.
    big deal he got me pregnant! he's done fuck all helpful since!
    you cant knock someone up and expect to demand this that and the other if you are going to do nothing helpful or constructive yourself!

    so are you saying that if had been raped and decided to keep the baby then that person had full rights to the child?! cos to me thats how it sounds, you are saying that biologically he is the father so fuck to anything he may have done, he has 100% all of his rights?!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't let him wind you up, you do what you know to be the best thing for yourself and your baby and it will all come right, you'll see.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Territt wrote: »
    you seem to be misisng the point ive tried to make, its not just her baby, its Their baby, and he has a right to know his child has been born and then a right for access, just because the woman doenst like him doesnt change that fact

    thats bollocks.

    Everyone here goes on about womens choice to have an abortion or to keep their child, but what sort of choice is it actually if by choosing against abortion, the woman has a fucking albatross round her neck of a deadbeat abusive ex forever more going out of his way to make things as difficult and horrible as possible.

    Think about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats bollocks.

    Everyone here goes on about womens choice to have an abortion or to keep their child, but what sort of choice is it actually if by choosing against abortion, the woman has a fucking albatross round her neck of a deadbeat abusive ex forever more going out of his way to make things as difficult and horrible as possible.

    Think about it.

    at the end of the day if the woman Choice is to keep the child then the woman should expect the father to be involved, simple really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats bollocks.

    Everyone here goes on about womens choice to have an abortion or to keep their child, but what sort of choice is it actually if by choosing against abortion, the woman has a fucking albatross round her neck of a deadbeat abusive ex forever more going out of his way to make things as difficult and horrible as possible.

    Think about it.

    Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick, but maybe you should think about you just saying 'its bollocks' to the idea that parentage should be split two ways. To be fair I think a lot of what territt is saying is best for the P&D boards and not for giving advice in an individual case.

    But I'm with bb on this one, its her baby and she should look out for the welfare of it and the guy does sound like a twat. She should do it in the way she as the primary carer feels most comfortable. I don't think completely cutting him off is the best solution though. Even if he's a crap person which he sounds like, he might turn out to be a great dad and he has a natural right to try to be a dad - but that right can be removed if he is a terrible father. But not before. Thats my thoughts on it anyway.

    I think a lot of this thread is getting confused between actually giving practical advice to bb and the greater philosophical debate.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Territt wrote: »
    at the end of the day if the woman Choice is to keep the child then the woman should expect the father to be involved, simple really.



    I reluctantly have to agree with this.

    It's far from ideal if the guy is a tosser/abusive etc etc, but it is his kid too.

    Not an easy situation to be in though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »

    I think a lot of this thread is getting confused between actually giving practical advice to bb and the greater philosophical debate.

    Agreed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's what I was trying to say but I just ended up shouting at indrid cold for making stupid comments.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's what I was trying to say but I just ended up shouting at indrid cold for making stupid comments.

    Next time, take a deep breath first, count to ten, rub one out and you should be feeling different ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I tried but I was too annoyed! Perhaps count to 50?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick, but maybe you should think about you just saying 'its bollocks' to the idea that parentage should be split two ways. To be fair I think a lot of what territt is saying is best for the P&D boards and not for giving advice in an individual case.

    Your right there, but as people on here have been talking in genurl and not just the individuel case thats the point i was trying to make.
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    But I'm with bb on this one, its her baby and she should look out for the welfare of it and the guy does sound like a twat. She should do it in the way she as the primary carer feels most comfortable. I don't think completely cutting him off is the best solution though. Even if he's a crap person which he sounds like, he might turn out to be a great dad and he has a natural right to try to be a dad - but that right can be removed if he is a terrible father. But not before. Thats my thoughts on it anyway.

    That is a very good point, at the end of the day the child is his and he needs to be given the chance to show what sort of dad he can be,

    BB, it maybe worth speaking with the Police Family support or what ever it is callied, Im sure they will be able to arange someone as a go between, at the end of the day this guy is prob going to be around for the rest of your life, well at least 18 years of it, so it maybe an idea to try and get things sorted so that your on speaking terms,
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think a mediator would be a good idea, especially with regards to actual physical safety. I also think that you should report him to his superiors for abusing his power as a policeman.

    It annoys me that this guy is being a total cunt to BB and from what she's posted here it doesn't look like she's done owt wrong yet she's suffering because of it and he seems to be "winning" or getting his own way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Looksie!

    For those who wish to debate......
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can we please move the debate to the thread that Scary Monster posted the link to above.
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,193 Skive's The Limit
    I don't see any really good reasons why you would wait longer than a day or two before telling the father that his baby's been born. A soon as your settled and rested.

    He knows you're goign to have it, it's not something he'll forget. Waiting any longer is only going to serve to upset him more and make things more difficult than they already are. Let him know the baby's arrived and let him see the baby.
    Base your decisions on his behavior after that.
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BB, if you sent him a text letting him know your baby has been born would he necessarily come round straight away, or would you both be able to arrange a time in a couple of days for him to visit?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BB, if you sent him a text letting him know your baby has been born would he necessarily come round straight away, or would you both be able to arrange a time in a couple of days for him to visit?

    he would be there straight away. im not going to stop him from seeing the baby and i will of course tell him its born but i dont want him finding out the second i squeeze it out and then to have him there hasseling me while im still trying to bond with the baby and get to grips with everything hence waiting atleast a couple of days to tell him.

    and who ever said he has the right to be a father, yes he does but he should have started being a father the day we found out i was pregnant, not the day the baby comes. if he was that interested he would be involved now instead of causing me undue stress which the baby does not need.

    and who ever else it was who said try to get things sorted and be on speaking terms...i have tried and tried, so many times that i have lost count, to be civil and get things sorted and be on speaking terms with him. but he is so abusive and will not listen to me that its just not going to happen. from day 1 i have been nothing but nice to him and fair to how he feels but all he cares about is himself and its made it impossible to come to any sort of agreement as he is 100% unwilling to compromise!

    i am not the bad guy here, i am tryin to work out what is best for myself and my baby.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think in the end it is YOUR decision on what to do, no one else can or should tell you what to do. You should do what you think is right for you and your baby. Obviously other people will have differenct views and opinions but there not in your situation. You know your ex and you know what he can do/be like so you need to make sure that yours and your baby's safty is the main thing.

    I hope everything works out :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like texting him isn't going to work then!

    Is there anyone around other than your partner? Mum or sister or friend or something? Maybe once you're home and have had at least a little bit of sleep and got used to being at home with the baby they could ring and invite him round while they were there.

    While you want time to settle and bond with you baby it might be easiest if you aim to do it the morning after the baby is born otherwise it may get tempting to keep putting it off and off and if you wait until you and your child are completely settled the child will probably have left home!

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Is there anyone around other than your partner? Mum or sister or friend or something?

    my mum is around and a friend has said she will be there if i need her. i just wish i never had to see him again.

    i messaged him today to say if i tell him when the baby is born will he turn up straight away or do as i'd like and give me a few days. and he just sent a message back saying i wont talk about this here, give me a call and we can talk. i dont want to talk to him, why cant he just give me a straight answer to a simple question?
    urgh im not calling him, i cant be bothered with his ballshit, i can feel my heart rate rising just thinking about talking to him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you considered going via a solicitor?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you considered going via a solicitor?

    i cant afford to do anything like that
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure if this will be useful or annoying but my father was violent and when my parents split up my father used the courts to gain the right to see me every week, even though he rarely turned up. My parents had actually split up before then but social workers and solisitors put pressure on my mother to get back with him because "children need a father". Your baby's biological father seems to be behaving in a similar way to my father, by being controlling and abusive, probably because you had moved on until he reappaered. This is based on my mother's experience and I hope things have changed but if they haven't you will have to be more patient, understanding and considerate than is humanly possible to prove what he's really like. If he finds out about the baby's birth from someone else he could use that against you. If you can't get a solicitor try not to talk to him without someone else being there, idealy someone who could be seen as impartial or only communicate by e-mail so you can save the conversations. Keep a record of everything. He's already showing he doesn't care about the baby because the baby will know if you're upset so record everything he says to you. Try to work out how much maintaince he should give you and ask for less, send it in a letter of e-mail and record his response. Arrange times for him to see the baby, ideally more than once a week, and again make sure you give it to him in a letter or e-mail and keep a copy. If he turns up at other times, and it sounds like he will, calmly tell him you're trying to get the baby into a routine. I don't know him, but from what you've said I think he'll be difficult for a few weeks and keep turning up, but if he thinks he's welcome a certain times, especially if it's 2 or 3 times a week, he'll get bored and stop turning up. If this happens you'll need to act understanding about his reasons for not turning up and continue welcoming him when he does. Eventually he'll lose interest or his rights.
    If you don't feel able to do anything like that just after you've given birth that's understandable. I think arranging visits might help though, because after so many times of him demanding to see the baby one day then not turning up to see them the next day when a visit is actually arranged people will start to question his abilities as a father. Also keep asking for maintainance, but make sure it's less than he can afford. I know you've done nothing wrong, but you will need to prove you've been more reasonable than should be possible if it does get to court or you want to stop contact between him and the baby.
    I'm sorry if this is useless. I hope you're ok and things work out for the best for you and your baby.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Based on what you've said, I don't think anything good can come out of asking him how he'd act. For all you know he'd say he'd let you have time and be lying because that's what you want to hear.
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