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You don't HAVE to tell him anything.
you both got into this situation.
:yes:
Even if he is a twat, he should know when his kid is in the world.
What is worrying you the most BB?
this is my thinking too, i want to be settled and gotten into some sort of routine with the baby before he comes barging in and being a twat. i will of course tell him but i want to wait a few weeks after the baby comes.
im not really worried as i have my family around me and my boyfriend wont let him do anything to me and the baby but i just hate him, i physically hate him now because of how he has treated me. he keeps telling me how im mentally unhinged and unfit to look after the baby!
he just talks down to me and when im trying to get to grips with a newborn and sleep deprived and emotional, i dont want him around making me feel like shit.
i just dont want him around fullstop but i know the baby should atleast have the chance to know its dad, even if he is the biggest twat i have ever met!
If you really fear he is going to be an arsehole or a danger or hes putting your mental or physical health at risk, can you get an injunction???
I personally think that letting him know within a few days of the birth might be an idea, because you can be up and about, yet its not so far afterwards that he might go nuts about it.
I do think you should make a complaint to his manager about his behaviour too
i want to wait atleast a few days, let me settle at home a little before he starts barging in and being a twat!
as far as complaints go, im just leaving it for now, if he keeps to his word and keeps away then fine but the next time he starts then i will be straight on the phone to his superiours.
its hardly rocket science
the same reason lots of mums seem to think the best way to get back at ex's is to try and stop contact between fathers and there children.
If a guy is not a troublemaker, then i would say, in most cases there wouldnt be a problem, at least when the child is a little bit older, as when all parties are pleasant and mature, then having contact is in EVERYONES interest.
The father and the child have a relationship, and the mother gets a break.
If the father is being insulting, confrontational, pretty much abusive, then they shouldnt be too shocked if their ex doesnt want to let the child visit them too much.
You seem to miss the point in so many of your posts, its not just the mothers child, its the fathers child as well.
"I play up because she doesn't give the child access to me"
"I restrict access because he plays up"
Or whatever. At the end of the day what it boils down to is two people who can't overcome their differences - which happens a lot in life - but because of the child cant get away from each other. It's why I suggested some kind of mediator because otherwise the child will just end up as a pawn in a game of getting one over on each other.
but i havent said once on here that i wont let him see the child, all i have said is i want a bit of time to get settled before i let him know its been born
I can understand not wanting him around but i would be Devastated if I didn’t find out my child was born until a couple of days after. Isn’t there someone that can be used as a go between the two of you? Maybe someone that is friends with both of you?
that still doesnt make it right....
I'm sure if he hadn't acted up she'd let him know asap.
Do you have children? Have you ever had an abusive partner?
Just thinking aloud for the next part:
The abusive partner could easily have been the mother, and in that case it would be difficult to keep her from knowing the kid's been born...
er yeah, she might feel it a bit.
So youre saying that basic biology isnt fair. Maybe you should lodge your complaint with baby jesus or something?>
what isnt right is him turning up here being verbally aggressive and abusive to me and my partner. him calling and texting me so often i had to change my number. him calling me every name under the sun and saying he wants nothing to do with the baby or me but suddenly someone else is on the scene and he is now back. him refusing to give me a penny towards baby things but still expecting to be able to turn up the day its born and be involved.
so dont you sit there and tell me what is or isnt right! i have done this on my own from day one and thats his choice so why now should i let him swan back in and be around stressing me out when im trying to give birth?! i want the best for my child and as far as im concerned that is me having a few days to get to grips with being a mum before he turns up and starts hasseling me
No wonder the abortion rate is so high if women get so much shit for wanting to just get on with their lives in peace away from aggressive violent men who just so happen to be the father of their child.
I wouldnt blame you one bit if you just didnt see him again. I wonder if thats what he wants - to push you away so he can make you out to be the bad guy when if he REALLY wanted to see his child, he would be doing everything in his power to build a civil relationship with you to facilitate that.
I salute you for doing this alone, especially with the obstacles like this in your way. I really dont think id cope as well as you. ((hugs))
I was just thinking aloud, just like I said. In the end, it's clear that if it was possible to keep her from knowing it probably should be done, so since it's possible for men there's no reason not to.
What I do object to is leaving this to lie 100% with the mother. In most cases it will be because the father is abusive, I suspect, but in some of them he might be the nicest person ever and the mother just hates him for something and keeps it a secret as revenge.
i wish i could never see him again, i wish we could move away and he would be out of our lives forever.
my partner and i have spoken about the same sort of thing as you've just said...its almost as though he has kicked up such a fuss now that he HAS to carry on with it to save face if that makes sence? cos as you said, if he really was that interested he would have been that way from day 1, not nearly 4 months down the line when someone else came along. and he would have coughed up atleast a few quid for clothes but he is refusing to even do that!
So why don't you just give it a rest? I'm sure BB could do without other people being a dick, seems like she's got enough on her plate as it is.
It might be better if thinking aloud talking points trotted over to P&D where they can be discussed ad infinitum rather than getting in the way of someones request for advice?
You don't have to tell him, and you don't have to tell him the moment the baby is born. The only thing that might be worth thinking about is that as he's going to find out at some point it might be easiest for you to tell him sooner rather than later, gives less opportunity for him to argue that you are excluding him.
Is there someone else supportive around? Mum or friend maybe? One option that might work would be to pick a time and invite him round to see the baby when they are there, and your current partner isn't (or at least isn't around even if he's in). Hopefully would reduce the chance of confrontation.