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Living Together

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys bit of a tough one here. Well for me anyway lol

As you might know i got a job down in Reading and i'm on the house hunt. My best mate at Uni has also got a job down in Reading, in the same business par. But she's also the girl i really really like and she really likes me. Its been that way for a while now and ive talked about it before on here before so wont go on about it for that long.

She's the one with the arsehole boyfriend. She's wanted to leave him for a while and she recently plucked up the courage to tell him she didnt love him anymore and wanted to leave him. But she keeps going there, not for any affection or anything. They've grown apart the last 6 months and she even put it as "its just like going round to a mates house but sleeping there". It's really weird, she said a while back that it was to do with loneliness cos her friends arent very close by and its just somewhere for her to go.

But me and her... its weird, we are like best mates but theres also a very strong attraction there. We've both told each other and we know how we feel and all that and she says i make her day and make her happy and that. She came to see me DJ the other night and missed her last bus home. I said she could just stay over at mine. Was really nice :) she came back and we just chatted for hours and cuddled up and everything was just perfect really. It does feel that in that time we got somewhat closer, weird to explain really. Just an extra bond or something. Hard to explain. Im sure people know what im on about. Nothing happened in that way, i dunno .. didn't think it was right to really. Don't really know where i stand in the whole thing.

Before i got offered the job she did ask ," do you think it would be inappropriate to live together if you got the job", then when i got the job she just changed her view and was very happy and wanted us to live together. I mean in theory thinking about it it could be one of the best years in my life, living with her but in the back of my mind i don't know if its right. I really really like her, she means a hell of alot to me buut i dunno what her story is yet tbh

She has said that basically when she moves that its finished between her and her boyfriend as theres no reason to see him as she'll be living away and with new people. Maybe that would happen, maybe not. But whatever happens i have to live with it. Maybe it could be a fairy tale ending, which it never is.

Its just really weird, like yesterday all the people off my course went out for the day. Me and her were there chatting away and having a good time as we do. She left and said she had a wicked day, i told her to text me when she got back home as it was late. She text back to say her boyfriend picked her up and within the first 2 minutes of seeing him she was fucked off and she said her happy day was ruined.
Just don't understand it, part of me just wants to say why don't you just go home or even come see me! It frustrates the hell outta me, i know by the way she is around me that shes happy and comfortable so i just dont get it really.

Don't shoot her down from what i've written though, she really is like one of the best girls ive ever met, someone who makes me smile in an instant and makes me happy.

Just wondering what people think about it all really.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aw, sounds like she's still seeing him as it's familiar and convenient. You like her, she likes you, why not ask her the deal like, if you were to move in with each other would she want to and would she still be as close to her ex?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Aw, sounds like she's still seeing him as it's familiar and convenient. You like her, she likes you, why not ask her the deal like, if you were to move in with each other would she want to and would she still be as close to her ex?

    The way she has spoken to me about him recently i don't think she would be. She said she would still stay in touch and that, which is normal. She has said all this in past mind about leaving him but i dunno, maybe this times different. I think before she was a little scared to do it as she would still be home and near him whereas by moving she has, as she put it a while back, "a new start". I hope she means it, just for her own sake.

    Wouldn't just us two in the house, there is 4 of us looking to live together. 2 guys 2 girls. Lol really exciting chatting to her about it though. She sounds so excited about it, doing this, doing that. Would be brill to be able to spend much more time with her. We don't see much of each other in person, only during uni or certain nights out so to live with her i think i would be able to get to know her even more and get closer to her :)

    But yeah, i guess all thats fantasy talk until i ask her really.

    I don't know when to ask her though. Its the usual story when i ask her stuff like that at the moment, if i ask her stuff like that she will go into her shell and won't really tell me the full story. She does that alot. Won't really go into detail with things. I still think in the back of her mind shes worried about her bf and that.

    Cheers anyway though Kat :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its easy to keep seeing someone out of habit and loneliness which I guess is what she is doing by the sound of it.

    It sounds like you both want to be together but are holding back for whatever reason. I think that after she moves and the boyfriend isn't close by and her whole routine changes if you are going to get together it will happen.

    I had a friend who I was very close to throughout my last relationship, after I spilt with my partner I saw a more of my friend and then 5 months later we got together. I suppose it was very similar to your situation in that we both felt strongly for each other but didn't do anything about it because I had a partner, then there were the awkward times during the 5 months when kissing and stuff could have happened but I didn't feel single still or he was unsure about kissing me because of me being on the rebound.

    Just take it slow, have fun, talk to each other and I am sure it will work out for you both.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dunno, im just one of those people who think the worst of these things. Knowing my luck i'll end up living with her and she'll start seeing someone else. Normally the way it works round me lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope that doesn't happen, if it does then she wasn't the right girl for you and you can still be friends given a bit of space and time. The good thing is that you won't be living together by yourselves there will be others around you so it won't feel so coupley.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess :) cheers anyway twinklestar. we'll see what happens i guess. As your name suggests... your a star :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm struck by you using the term 'boyfriend' - does she still use that term, or was it just you using it for the post to make it clearer? Obviously if she still uses the term and they have split that seems a little odd to me.

    As to how you move forwards, honesty, communication and making sure you're open with each other.

    Of course it may go horribly wrong, all relationships have that risk. But the only other choice is to live and die alone in a cave.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    budda wrote: »
    I'm struck by you using the term 'boyfriend' - does she still use that term, or was it just you using it for the post to make it clearer? Obviously if she still uses the term and they have split that seems a little odd to me.

    As to how you move forwards, honesty, communication and making sure you're open with each other.

    Of course it may go horribly wrong, all relationships have that risk. But the only other choice is to live and die alone in a cave.

    Im just using it to make it clearer. She refers to him as "HIM" .. like she'll say .. "hold on HE's calling" .. "im going round to HIS" .... she doesn't really tell any of her friends her feelings and stuff and im really the only one that knows how bad it is with him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I assumed that was the case. I'd advise you continue to be really open with each other and discuss how you are feeling, honesty is sometimes quite painful, but its a lot better in the long run.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    budda wrote: »
    I assumed that was the case. I'd advise you continue to be really open with each other and discuss how you are feeling, honesty is sometimes quite painful, but its a lot better in the long run.

    Yeah we have been pretty open in the past. But only when she wants to be. She does very well at avoiding it at times by just totally avoiding it or making some excuse.

    Not giving up though :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmmmm i really have no idea whats cracking off here tbh. Asked her today and she just ignored the whole thing. And it looks like shes going on holiday with her "boyfriend" in a few weeks. So confusing i tell ya. Really don't know what i should do. Really don't think with the way i feel that i could stick about living with her knowing all this. However selfish that may sound.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not at all selfish it sounds to me like she can't quite cut the ties to her "boyfriend" and likes having the best of both worlds at the moment, she has you for the emotional support and she can get close to you when she wants to and then can leave all that behind when it suits her.

    It might not even be a consious thing, maybe she is scared of leaving him totally for some reason, maybe she is waiting for you to tell her that you want her and to leave him or maybe she just doesn't feel ready to make the break.

    Personally if it was me I wouldn't be able to cope with it all and would have to ask outright what her intentions are and if she means to leave him in her past then I would ask her to do it now because the closeness she has with him is affecting you.

    I really hope it all works out for you because I know what an emotional rollercoaster it can be having ties to someone and falling for a friend, I also know how my boyfriend felt about the whole getting together with me knowing I still had ties to my ex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well i text her tonight to basically just say, look we've not reallllly thought the whole living together thing through properly and that theres a whole lot more to think about then just being housemates.

    Asked her what she thought and she said this," I dont know what to say, im cool with it cause your a mate despite what happened in the past .. Well more than a mate but its not as if anything is gonna happen, nothing will ever happen, you know that".

    Lol i dunno now, i know i'll regret not living with her. I'll take the chance i think. She's a good mate to me at least.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The problem may be is that she might be finding it hard if she really likes you but is still with her "boyfriend" and it probably feels easier for her to stick to the routine until she moves.

    You have already said that she is unhappy and probably isn't going to stay in the relationship with this guy and in a way, she is probably waiting to use the distance as an excuse to get out of the relationship which would be easier rather than just ending it while she is still at home.

    You are both really close at the moment from what you've said and I'm guessing you will get even closer as you are moving to a new city where neither of you know anybody, so your friendship will certainly change just through that alone. I'd say just give her some space and try and speak to her about it without putting any pressure on her, especially as she is prove to bottling stuff up.

    I don't think she is using you and then going back to him when she feels like it, she is probably just finding it hard to express herself and feels in a bit of a dilemma. Good luck, hope you get it sorted and let us know any developments :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote: »
    Well more than a mate but its not as if anything is gonna happen, nothing will ever happen, you know that".

    I would read that as her drawing the line and stating that she intends your relatioship to stay plutonic from now on tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote: »
    She came to see me DJ the other night and missed her last bus home. I said she could just stay over at mine. Was really nice... she came back and we just chatted for hours and cuddled up and everything was just perfect really. It does feel that in that time we got somewhat closer, weird to explain really. Just an extra bond or something.
    You wanted some action, didn't you? No shame in admitting it, you know. :p

    It's perfectly obvious what way the two of you are heading right now. I would say it is time to move things forward.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would read that as her drawing the line and stating that she intends your relatioship to stay plutonic from now on tbh.

    Tbh she has said this to me before and we ended up getting even closer. So i never really know what to take with what she says. Buuuut i think i really need to get that into my head and just be her mate. I know exactly what shes like, she hides stuff about what shes feeling very well. For example, with her current "boyfriend" i know when somethings up with her or somethings happened but she won't tell me anymore.

    She does keep her feelings to herself more these days and says stuff that will make me think shes okay when in reality everythings not ok.

    So for whatever reason she's deciding to stay in the same routine of things. Not really alot i can do in that sense, im not really the pestering sort of guy. Its weird though, like we know each other so well even she knows somethings up with me now when i speak to her. Very odd being able to pick up on these things.

    Saying all this though, i think living with her i would be able to get to know her even better. I only really see her at Uni and the odd night out / day out and most of how we know each other is through MSN or texting. So i think a year together, as 1andonly said, will bring us closer. I feel anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote: »



    Saying all this though, i think living with her i would be able to get to know her even better. I only really see her at Uni and the odd night out / day out and most of how we know each other is through MSN or texting. So i think a year together, as 1andonly said, will bring us closer. I feel anyway.

    Either that, or it will drive you crazy if you develop strong feelings for her and she still messes around with her ex... and then you will have a very difficult situation to deal with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel wrote: »
    Either that, or it will drive you crazy if you develop strong feelings for her and she still messes around with her ex... and then you will have a very difficult situation to deal with.

    Bingo. It's why its such a hard bloody decision.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just to play devils advocate - you could also discover she is a nightmare to live with and thank your lucky stars

    I'd say go for it though as otherwise you will never know - just make sure you have an emergency escape plan should it all go wrong...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote: »
    Just to play devils advocate - you could also discover she is a nightmare to live with and thank your lucky stars

    I'd say go for it though as otherwise you will never know - just make sure you have an emergency escape plan should it all go wrong...

    Lol yeah there is always that .. but to be honest thats the last thing on my mind about the whole thing. But your right, i'll regret not living with her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Give it some time
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Go for it, even if it is just as friends, might make you really good friends, its always nice to be able to have someone like yourself to turn to when all other paths are unwalkable.
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