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friend / eating disorders

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i'm very aware that this is another eating disorder-themed thread :blush:

i have an eating disorder [it took me a long time to type that line and not delete it]. i'm kind of-sort of-not really making some attempt to overcome it. i have days when i want to fight and days when i don't.

one of my very close friends (in real life) has both anorexia and bulimia and swings between the two. at the moment it would be fair to say that she is frighteningly, worryingly thin. she's in therapy and does want to recover, but she does need a lot of support outside of therapy to help her, she is quite a lonely person i think and feels misunderstood a lot of the time. her best friend is amazingly supportive of her, but doesn't truly understand her problems and doesn't claim to. one of her sources of support is me, because she knows that i 'get it', i have my own experience of ed's and know what she is going through. i know so badly that it hurts me.

i talk to her lot on the phone and via email/facebook etc, but i don't see her very often, partly because we are both busy but mainly because she cancels lots because she's too weak or has spent the day bingeing and purging. this will make me sound horrible, but i feel some degree of relief when she cancels on me or when she can't do a certain date, because seeing her makes me feel enormous. i know that it's all to do with my perception of myself, i know that i can't be as big as i feel and i know that when people tell me how thin i am they mean it. but it's as if they are talking to someone else. but when i go out with this friend, i feel like the fat friend, she is so tiny, maybe i am too, i don't know. but the fact that she is so thin makes me feel terrible about myself, and even i can see that it's not good for me. sometimes after seeing her i go home and do bad bad things (detail not really appropriate) and whilst i'm pleased to have seen her, i take steps backward in my own attempts at recovery and end up undoing any good work i've done. i know that without me she'd feel even more alone than she already does, because i'm the only person in real life that she knows has some true understanding of her problems.

what can i do? i don't want to lose her, i don't want to cut her out of my life. but at the same time, i don't want to get any more ill than i already am and i don't want her to think it's her fault if i do.

if anyone has any advice, words or comfort or just can tell me that they understand, that would be great.

thanks for reading.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think anyone can understand the situation you find yourself in, no matter how similar their experiences may or may not be. I'm not entirely sure what the tangent about skinny people has to do with anything, either. Stacey, could you go back and edit it, a tangent like that is only going to make others with the same problem feel worse?

    I think you do need to have stricter boundaries with her because you may well end up exacerbating each others' illnesses. Talking more on the telephone or MSN could be a way of providing the support without having the worst of the emotional lows after a meeting with her. But, at the same time, even an MSN conversation can be very emotionally draining, but at least with that type of conversation you're not exacerbating each other's feelings of guilt.

    I don't really know what to suggest. You can't abandon her- even if you wanted to, I know you'd be filled with guilt if you did something so heartless. Perhaps trying to cut face-to-face meetings to every couple of weeks might help, but whilst making sure she understands that she is not being rejected. Even if you will still feel worse after meeting her, at least you'll have slightly more time to recover.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote: »
    I don't think anyone can understand the situation you find yourself in, no matter how similar their experiences may or may not be and no matter how many hearts are put on display.
    That's a bit harsh tbh, I expected more from you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Harsh? I would never assume that I understand anyone else's dilemma or illness. I'll say what I think, and draw on my long history of mental illness, but I wouldn't patronise anyone by saying I feel their pain.

    For the record, I don't think the OP was doing that...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lacrymosa wrote: »
    Maybe just suggest talking on the phone more rather than seeing each other face to face? Explain how she makes you feel? She will probably understand.

    i can't do that, because if she knew she would be absolutely mortified. it would destroy her; she's fragile enough as it is.

    she's not just skinny, she's emaciated. it's not a case of she makes me feel fat, it's more like she makes me feel sick with worry and frantic with fear that she either thinks i'm huge, or that she thinks that i am smaller than her (i'm not) and feels worse about herself.

    i saw her today by chance, i just bumped in to her. she told me later that she is at her lowest weight. she is seriously eating disordered, if i leave her then she might die, not just because she needs me but because if she thinks she's upset me it will kill her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    if i leave her then she might die, not just because she needs me but because if she thinks she's upset me it will kill her.

    Whatever happens, don't think for one second that it's your fault. You are only her friend, you're doing the best you can, and if that's not good enough then it's not because of you, it's because of her, and because of her disorder. Please remember that.

    Anyhoo, this is a bloody difficult situation, tbh, and I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe seeing her less face to face is the right way to go. You can send her little notes of support, email her, text, ring, whatever, to let her know you're thinking about her and you care, but to be horribly, brutally honest, if seeing her is damaging you, then I would not see her. Some people might call that selfish, and I guess in a way it is, but I'd call it self preservation. You can't be someone's rock if you're crumbling yourself.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    That's a bit harsh tbh

    :yes: I agree. It's clear the lacrymosa is doing her best to be supportive here and I don't think it's fair to criticise what she's said at all. I'm not trying to say that you should necessarily agree with the approach other people take when offering support, but just that sometimes it's good to take a step back and offer an alternative view point without being critical of others who have equally good intentions - especially when the issues she's talking about do relate to the OPs situation. I hope that makes sense.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your post reminds me of some advice I was given when in a women's crisis centre, surrounded by other women who were also in mental health crisis. One of the crisis workers told us to be careful, she used the example of imagining that someone is drowning. You want to help them, to do so you need to throw them the life ring floaty thing. But you also need to stand on dry land and hold onto the other end of the rope. If you throw them the life float thing but in doing so jump in the water yourself then you don't help anyone, you just risk both of you drowning.

    I'm still trying to figure out how to apply this metaphor in a practical sense to real life relationships but I like the metaphor anyway! :)

    It's going to be really difficult for you both but it does sound like you need a bit of distance between your friendship and each of yours problems. Kermit is right, setting better 'boundaries' for both of you would really benefit your friendship. It could help turn it around from a friendship that could be damaging to both of you to one that could really help both of you. You need to decide for yourself what these boundaries might be, it could include for example not phoning each other too late at night or when in a crisis, not talking about your illnesses in any detail if that helps (only on a more general level) or limiting the amount of time spent talking about each of your problems.

    Some general advice on this one for anyone else reading this too (I'm not saying your friend does this to you in particular) is that if someone who relies on you emotionally calls you up in a crisis and says for example that they are about to take an over-dose or try to kill themselves and begs you to see them then you can say yes, I'll met you at A&E where you can be assessed by a doctor. Someone else I know has used this 'technique' with some of his friends in crisis and it has really helped him as it takes the responsiblity off you the friend and yet you are still being supportive. If they refuse to go to hospital then try to still be firm and say that you can't come over or whatever else their request may be.

    Another thing that might help you... you know how you said that you feel worse seeing your friend ill and that this makes you more ill yourself? Well can you imagine the situation the other way around? I mean maybe seeing you getting iller will also have a negative effect on the health of your friend. If you can't do it for your own health then maybe you can do it for the sake of hers? As often, I at least, find it easier to consider things that damage others as more something to avoid than those things that may damage me (which is related no doubt to low self-esteem).

    It is possible to have quite close relationships with other people with similar problems in my experience but boundaries is definately the key. There may also be certain times when you need to cool things off or take a step back for both of you.

    On a practical level it might help to have a conversation about this with your friend and explain that you fear you might make each other worse or explain that due to your own issues you can't support her as much as you have done in the past just at the moment. It might help to start your sentences with things to do with you and your feelings rather than her, e.g. "I feel so sad when I see you have lost so much weight and are stuggling so much" is much better than saying "you make me feel sad when I see you so thin and stuggling". I hope that makes sense, it's a technique the occupational therapist tought me when I was a day hospital patient and I've found it to be very effective and useful.

    I really hope you can put some boundaries in place that help both of you and allow your friendship to thrive and be of benefit rather than harm to both of you. Good luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lacrymosa wrote: »
    Sorry if I offended you Jane. I was only trying to help.

    i'm not offended chick.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Olive wrote: »
    Whatever happens, don't think for one second that it's your fault. You are only her friend, you're doing the best you can, and if that's not good enough then it's not because of you, it's because of her, and because of her disorder. Please remember that.

    Anyhoo, this is a bloody difficult situation, tbh, and I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe seeing her less face to face is the right way to go. You can send her little notes of support, email her, text, ring, whatever, to let her know you're thinking about her and you care, but to be horribly, brutally honest, if seeing her is damaging you, then I would not see her. Some people might call that selfish, and I guess in a way it is, but I'd call it self preservation. You can't be someone's rock if you're crumbling yourself.

    thank you olive that's really helpful :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    i'm very aware that this is another eating disorder-themed thread :blush:

    i have an eating disorder [it took me a long time to type that line and not delete it]. i'm kind of-sort of-not really making some attempt to overcome it. i have days when i want to fight and days when i don't.

    one of my very close friends (in real life) has both anorexia and bulimia and swings between the two. at the moment it would be fair to say that she is frighteningly, worryingly thin. she's in therapy and does want to recover, but she does need a lot of support outside of therapy to help her, she is quite a lonely person i think and feels misunderstood a lot of the time. her best friend is amazingly supportive of her, but doesn't truly understand her problems and doesn't claim to. one of her sources of support is me, because she knows that i 'get it', i have my own experience of ed's and know what she is going through. i know so badly that it hurts me.

    i talk to her lot on the phone and via email/facebook etc, but i don't see her very often, partly because we are both busy but mainly because she cancels lots because she's too weak or has spent the day bingeing and purging. this will make me sound horrible, but i feel some degree of relief when she cancels on me or when she can't do a certain date, because seeing her makes me feel enormous. i know that it's all to do with my perception of myself, i know that i can't be as big as i feel and i know that when people tell me how thin i am they mean it. but it's as if they are talking to someone else. but when i go out with this friend, i feel like the fat friend, she is so tiny, maybe i am too, i don't know. but the fact that she is so thin makes me feel terrible about myself, and even i can see that it's not good for me. sometimes after seeing her i go home and do bad bad things (detail not really appropriate) and whilst i'm pleased to have seen her, i take steps backward in my own attempts at recovery and end up undoing any good work i've done. i know that without me she'd feel even more alone than she already does, because i'm the only person in real life that she knows has some true understanding of her problems.

    what can i do? i don't want to lose her, i don't want to cut her out of my life. but at the same time, i don't want to get any more ill than i already am and i don't want her to think it's her fault if i do.

    if anyone has any advice, words or comfort or just can tell me that they understand, that would be great.

    thanks for reading.


    Well i like totally understand how u feel and the best thing 2 do would b explain. i did. u feeel like ur :banghead: otherwise.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Well i like totally understand how u feel and the best thing 2 do would b explain. i did. u feeel like ur :banghead: otherwise.

    Hey Cool2play, it's always best to check dates on threads before posting - this one was posted back in may so I'm going to close it now. Keep posting. :)
This discussion has been closed.