Why do we live? (contains swearing)

Former Member

Hi people. I didn't know where else to put this, there was the depression thread but a lot of things get overlooked there and I guess it would make me feel even more depressed if that was to be the case. Anyway, this is my post, it's pretty long and doesn't really have a structure. If you have better things to do, then do that. If you have nothing to do, give it a read! Let me know what you think. I've just wrote it and it's possibly the most honest I've been about my feelings with anyone. It contains swearing. Here goes...


Why the fuck do we live? It's a question that has been going through my mind for the past couple of months now, everytime I'm alone I try to answer it. Of course being depressed hasn't helped me to achieve positive explanations but this is what I can make out of life,

1. Life is full of short-term pleasures. That's why we live. All pleasure from life is only short-term.
2. The best thing about life are the memories, remembering the good times. To me, its a true statement, and therefore it makes life a bit fucking pathetic.
3. Our thoughts control us. We are gullible to our own beliefs. We tell ourselves people like us, but we don't actually know that for sure. I'm sick of not knowing anything for sure. I don't even know what I'm going to write next, I'm not even sure I'm making sense, but I'm telling myself I am.
4. I probably won't understand these feelings on another day, when I'm happy. I am more than one person in my way of thinking. Sometimes, a lot recently, I fucking hate myself, hate the way I look, hate what I have achieved so far out of life, have no confidence in being able to achieve anything, and consequently want to die. Yet there are times when I'm happy with everything, and just accept the more negative aspects. Don't give a shit about only living for the moment and very greatful I am here. What I don't get, is why I hate I am jealous of that person when I am feeling like this! Why I am I jealous of myself?
5. Maybe I'm crazy. Or maybe I'm just not in denial with my feelings anymore, challenging them, is it crazyness or honesty?

I feel that I may not be making sense. Sorry if I'm not. Maybe someone out there can shed some light on why I am feeling like this. Have any of you had any of these thoughts? Please give me your honest opinion, whether I may like it or not, as long as it's honest. Thanks for reading.

Former Member

You are very right about our thoughts controling us. Challenging my way of thinking was one of the biggest steps I made towards recovery. I turned my life around and today I shake most problems off pretty easily.

In #2, why do you say it makes life pathetic? I didn't quite understand that comment.

Former Member

Hi, thanks for your reply.

I feel it's pathetic because memories are the past, the best things are always in the past. Also, we lose our memory when we get old, we therefore know that these things will soon disappear.

Former Member

I think you're thinking it the wrong way around.

You don't need memory to be happy and enjoy life. I can vouch for that because in full honesty, after I recovered from my own depression I forget things way more easily. I've done a lot of great things since I started feeling better and I must say that in general I think way more of all the things I can do in the future or what I'm busy doing today. I also think much less and just do stuff.

One thing that many do when they feel low is to look to past things and overanalyse a lot of stuff. I was guilty of that, I'd disect all the reasons why people didn't like me as well as think of those times when I 'used to be happy' and how I wasn't at that time.

I don't know how old you are but I don't think you need to start worrying about losing your memory yet! In fact a lot of people don't really suffer any significant loss of memory. You should rather think about some things closer in time, think about something you can look forward to and it's even better if you can do something to get closer to reaching a personal goal.

Former Member

Hi.

it makes perfect sense. pretty much ever single piece of it. (vagely predictable bit next) ive been there. i still am half the time. so...

1. life IS a short term pleasure. some people may disagree, but, im saying it.
2. with out memorys, what would life be? it would be an unknown repetative cycle of ignorance. but there is also anticipation, and actually doing the things that are the short term pleasures. more often if you can.
3. theres not a lot you can do about that. if your thoughts didnt controel you, what would you be? an animal? no. youd be a machine following one process after the other. its about curbing the thoughts, maybe (maybe not(cus it didnt work for me but has with others)) talking about them to certain people you know, coping and dealing with them.
4. this is the main part that gave me a problem... i can usualy "feel" my "other" self coming to get me. i know whats going to happen. i know what im going to think and i try immediatly to do something else and change my thoughts. its dam hard at quater past 2 in the morning and your lieing in bed and all you can think about is stabing the people you know then beating others and... no.

though ive never felt jelous of myself. hate, yes. passionate hate, yes towards myself and those i know, but...
5. you aint crazy, you as sane as me (but if you know me, thats not good), the guy next door, and whoever wrote the next book you pick up. and why would you be in denial of your feelings? i always thought it as having them more clear...

i dont offer this as comfort, but my point of view. if its realy shit, tell me, and ill write starbucks in its place.

Former Member

I don't know anything about your situation, but would like to say that these sorts of thoughts are normal to occur at some point in life during negative - or even not especially negative - periods of reflection. Depression is awful and this is not to belittle what you're feeling at all, but you know when people say "we're all in the same boat", but they usually say it about stupid things like teambuilding exercises? Well when it comes to life and tackling mortality and meaning, it can only be true.

To address your points:

1. Life is full of short-term pleasures. I'm glad you assert that that's why we live. Because why is pleasure only short-term? It's heartbreaking, but it's also exhilarating and special. The fact that things end, fade away, change - that is the beauty of life. It's why summer is so good, because you go through the other seasons and it arrives and then as soon as you've got used to it it's gone again. Without the contrast, none of the seasons would have their power, and it's an old but true idea that without the knowledge that everything has its time and its end there would be little impetus to place such high value on the delight we do get out of life. In Wallace Stevens' poem 'Sunday Morning' he says that if heaven is always perfect, how do its inhabitants recognise beauty anymore? There is no "cloudy palm remote on heaven's hill that has endured as April's green endures", because paradoxically the fact that it comes and goes in cycles provides its endurance and its beauty. We wouldn't want to live forever because everything would risk losing that, and we couldn't live without pain because there would be no reference point for joy, no reason to sing and prance about like an idiot when we're happy. For that same reason pleasure must be short-term.

Also, accepting that life is comprised of short-term pleasures gives you a sense of perspective. These bad thoughts fuck us over so much because we're thinking about the universe and the big picture, so intense and impossible to see, whereas accepting the fleeting nature of experiences makes it possible to think in fragments, about the crumbs of life that give us strength: it's easier to take pleasure in that piece of cake you treat yourself to, that sport or game you play, that conversation with a friend. They're manageable and pleasurable because we recognise that they make our life.

2. The past always looks better than the present, but in years time the present becomes the past and it in turn is romanticised in the same way. That's the nature of memory, and of people's desire to strive for perfection and happiness all the time. If there are some good memories to cling to, you shouldn't be ashamed of that: it says nothing about what is to come; it is only a good thing. The key is not to let it overpower you so that you trick yourself into thinking the past was all rosy and the rest will all suck - instead let it spur you on; I will make new memories.

3. Our thoughts may control us, but like everything else they are always open to change. Don't be down on yourself about whether people like you or not - realise that, as you've said, it's out of our hands. That knowledge should be freeing. Just be the best you can with the people who matter to you.

4. Perhaps you're envious of the side of you that feels content, because when you feel bad it seems wrong or even contradictory that you can feel both ways. But it's not. Let yourself be sad sometimes but try to temper it with the knowledge that you do feel differently, and things can improve.

5. It's not craziness. Never let anyone tell you that you are crazy; it's such a crass word. Try to bin that idea. As I say, it doesn't have to be world-shattering to feel things like this; it's the response to them, really considering them and then someday being able to wonder what you were so worried about, that matters.

That may all be totally useless, but I hope you can draw something from what people say on here, and most importantly from that side of you that is grateful for being here. You say that these questions come to you when you're alone. I know it's so difficult, but when it happens try to let yourself breathe and just be alone - you don't need to question yourself all the time. Do something that makes you happy, however long or short its duration. It only matters that you did it.