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Knowing too much

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'll try and keep this a quick simple rundown.

I basically work for a friend of mine part time for her and her partner. They've recently had a baby. There's a new girl who started working and drinking where i work, about 6 months ago. My friend caught this girl and the boss (her fiancee) texting each other every day. She asked her partner about it, he basically passed it off as he was just chatting to this girl. The girl backed him up. But i was pretty un-convinced at the time, the bloke has a history of this sort of thing.
My problem now is that now i've been told by several reliable sources that the two did indeed sleep together. So i'm caught. I feel shit knowing that my friend has been cheated on, but not only this, she has now befriended the girl involved and confides in her as a friend. This is my main worry. This two faced tart slept with her fiancee and now sits there as a friend :no:
I've just spent the whole day with a fucking headache due to not quite knowing what to do. The woman involved is my friend and i hate being put in the middle of this because part of me just wants to stay on the outside and let it play out between them all but then part of me thinks if that was me i'd want to know. A lot of people are talking about it now and my friend is blissfully unaware. I've now warned her about confiding in this girl but because i haven't said why she's a cow in my book everyone is now thinking i'm the bad guy because i can't bring myself to be nice to this girl.
I suppose what i want is a little advice about how everyone else might handle this. Would you tell the woman involved? Bear in mind though that this has happened before and she's forgiven him each time, although usually it's only texting other women and she's never been told he's slept with one.
The impulsive side of me wants to have a word with the little tart involved but then i think it would just backfire, she'd deny it and then i really would be the bad guy who shit stirred :impissed: It's so frustrating because now i feel guilty for being horrible to this girl even though she's been a nasty little witch. I don't like being nasty to people or getting involved in their problems but because it's my friend i feel awkward.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's probably the wrong thing to do but I'd tell your friend. I reckon she has a right to know. If everyone knows anyway it's going to come out somehow and when she finds out she'll be wondering why nobody told her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you were my friend then I'd rather you tell me definitely.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    id tell your friend.
    Yes there will be a backlash but you could say that you know this is going to hurt, but you have reason to believe this, and you hope she doesnt hold it against you for telling her, but if it was the other way round, youd want to know.


    then stay out of it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :yes: You should tell her, she'll be devastated if she finds out and you didn't tell her

    But make sure you're 100% certain first, there's no point putting her through the heartache for nothing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you have reasonable grounds to suspect then I think you should tell her, explain what you have heard and let her make up her own mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks. Am going to have to work out a way of finding out 100% for sure. The source i have already is this girls best friend who she has been telling about all the blokes she's recently pulled (others which are attached too). So the main part of me, although i don't want to admit that it's true, feels that her friend would not confide in people if it isn't true. Her friend i think is very young like this girl and hates having to deal with all the secrets and the guilt. Part of me just wants to think it's bollocks and that something must be wrong in the equation but the older and wiser cycnical side of me thinks that it all makes sense and explains this young girls recently behaviour at work. She's become very cocky and sure of herself and has turned into some sort of femme fatale wannabe. I've just avoided her to be honest as she's not my sort but now i feel i have to step up to the plate and say something. Always fucking me though that has to :yeees: What i forgot to put was that 2 yrs ago he did the same to me. Tried texting me and ringing me and coming on to me. I gave him what for and told him straight and my friend found out. He talked his way out of it, but i firmly believe if i'd have said yes he'd have slept with me and felt no guilt so it doesn't surprise me that he'd have tried it on. I just didn't think the kid was stupid enough to have gone with him. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me hate this whole thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you need to be 100%

    you can't tell her something that you don't KNOW unless you're REALLY sure

    and it's a little unfair to be calling someone a "two faced tart" without actually having any facts, or indeed her side of the story...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Indeed, you're probably quite right, it is wrong to call her that without knowing 100%.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My advice is stay well clear of it, either way it's not going to go well for you if you get involved in it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My advice is stay well clear of it, either way it's not going to go well for you if you get involved in it.

    :yes: I was in a similar situation recently and pretty much got told 'it's not your relationship to mess up, so just leave it.'

    if you're going to say anything, you need to be 100% sure that somethign is really going on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll say a few things:

    If it was me, i'd want to know.

    If you get involved, you'll be involved and sometimes you come out as the bad guy (been there, received that lol). Particularly if you don't have the facts.

    If you don't get involved and she finds out you knew, sometimes you come out as the bad guy (been there, received that lol).

    I'd probably suggest letting her know annonymously - send her a note or text her from someone else's phone or something?

    Or, if they're still carrying on together, let her 'accidentally' find out. That way she finds out, but you didn't tell her, so it doesn't come back on you. I know this option would particularly hurt her, but if he's playing away, she should know one way or the other.

    There's no reason to play away. What a Bar-steward.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I was in the position of your friend, nobody told me. It's not their place, etc. etc.

    I was pretty annoyed at people for that. Looking after their own interests a bit too much, I thought.

    So based on my own experience I'd stick my neck out even if I got some backlash because you're supposed to look out for your friends, not turn a blind eye when they're getting fucked over.

    Having said that, if you've only suspicions it may be premature to tell her. If I was 90% sure but hadn't had it confirmed with my own eyes I would still say I'd heard this. It's only fair.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Normally I would say it isn't your place to tell, and to steer clear.
    In these situations you tend to be either disliked for breaking bad news or disliked for not telling the deceived person: damned if you do and damned if you don't!

    Yet from the way you write, you seem to be good friends with the woman apparently cheated on. Telling her will depend on just how good friends you are (wouldn't that be the acid test), and whether you think she can handle the truth coming from you. Will she believe you because she knows you wouldn't make something like this up, or turn on you and accuse you of being a liar?

    "Bear in mind though that this has happened before and she's forgiven him each time, although usually it's only texting other women and she's never been told he's slept with one."
    If she's forgiven his cheating before, maybe she won't want to admit the truth this time either. But this time involves sex, and not just sending SMSs.

    Like others have mentioned, if you say something to her, you need to be very certain of the facts, and have irrefutable evidence if possible. But how can you prove it? The idea of an anonymous note or something similar is good, or arranging it so she finds out about the goings on 'accidentally' and works it out for herself and sees it with her own eyes.
    I hope you work out what's best.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Carolina wrote: »
    My problem now is that now i've been told by several reliable sources that the two did indeed sleep together.

    How 'reliable' are they?

    What's to stop him denying it and claiming you're doing it to stir things up?
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Luce wrote: »
    In these situations you tend to be either disliked for breaking bad news or disliked for not telling the deceived person: damned if you do and damned if you don't!
    Even if that is so, I'd much rather be hated for trying to help a friend than hiding from them something they should know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've decided that i'm not going to say anything about the cheating.
    Basically i tried to warn my friend that rumours had started to go around about her fella (she'd already heard them herself). So tonight her bloke pulled me aside and basically had a go at me. His reason - i didn't tell him at the same time as i told her and therefore left him out deliberately which must mean i'm up to something and how dare i think that my friend needs to know stuff and he doesn't. The reason i didn't say it when he was there is because she has been telling me things about their relationship she shouldn't do (in his eyes) and i didn't want to dump her in the shit with him. He also got pissed off because i wouldn't tell him who the rumours were coming from. At the end of the day it's the young girl who he suposedly slept with who's gobbing off about it but who would deny it if it meant saving her own arse.

    So i've now told them both i want nothing more to do with their relationship or the gossips and that they can do and say what they like but i'm having nothing to do with it. She didn't stick up for me when he had a go and it was about a very small thing, imagine the reaction if i said he'd slept with someone. As Luce says, i realise now she will believe anything he says. In the past two years he's tried it on with me, kissed and cuddled a 45 yr old woman when he's fiancee was pregnant and upstairs, been caught out texting and ringing said young girl (all of the above the friend knows about) and just recently admitted to kissing another young girl whilst fiancee was on holiday.
    So no, i don't think i'm going to say anything. I'm even thinking of finishing working for them as i just hate lies and hate having to cover for other people. Sorry for rant, am a little pissed off tonight by it all.
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