Does this sound like advantage taking?

Former Member

Ok, I'm probably gonna sound like not a very nice person in saying this but.....


I have a mate who I adore to pieces, but my thoughts for him are changing. He has started acting differently around me and when we say good bye, he hugs me really tight and then stands there and looks at me... Or maybe I am paranoid.

He is an extremely religious born again Christian (we were mates before he turned) and I know that he disapproves of 'practicing' homosexuality, but not being gay or bisexual or transgendered. I have no issue with his religion whatsoever...

But he has started to annoy me. For example, he had no money to come out with us and kept on asking me to lend him some. I couldn't afford it...

On the day we were all gonna go out he turned up at our house when we all were meeting, then was asking people to lend him the cash.

Anyway fast forward....

He wanted to meet me Saturday night to hang out, I am in the middle of doing my dissertation. He didn't even ask, he just said he's coming to mine to my flatmate...

Ok then....

He randomly turns up sometimes, then helps himself to food, it annoys me a bit. Like he eats some of my seeds and stuff which cost quite a bit of cash (as I use them to supplement my diet) and doesn't ask. He expects food whenever I cook as he usually turns up around meal time. He has never offered to cover the cost of food.

But this weekend I told him I have to study, as I have two jobs and only have weekends and Tuesdays free. Sunday morning he comes back to mine after church and said that he's going to hang out here today. I do some cooking and find out he's took over my laptop. :grump:

I keep on trying to say I need to do my dissertation but he either doesn't get the hint or ignores me. It's kind of pissing me off because I feel like he's taking advantage a bit and sees our place like a youth hostel for a free meal...

At the same time, he could be lonely as I don't think he lives with students... He also told me that seeing me is really important to him and it kinda sends off alarm bells that he might fancy me...

But it's getting on my tits because I don't know how to tell him that I need to study and work and that sometimes I feel uncomfortable, like with a few things he says. God is his life, but when somebody says that I should do what God wants with my body (i.e. not see women) or that I should believe what is true (Baptist Christianity) I feel a bit uncomfortable.

He doesn't mean harm of course... Maybe we are just hanging out too much together.

Former Member

Wow. There's a lot of fucking annoying people out there who just don't get the hint, I've had many and dealing with one now. The solution is to just try and cut them off - don't answer the phone if they pick up, don't answer the door if they turn up (as long as they don't realise you're in there) - get a peephole maybe? Just ignore/cut them off enough and they may eventually fade away...

Former Member

tinkler wrote: »

Wow. There's a lot of fucking annoying people out there who just don't get the hint, I've had many and dealing with one now. The solution is to just try and cut them off - don't answer the phone if they pick up, don't answer the door if they turn up (as long as they don't realise you're in there) - get a peephole maybe? Just ignore/cut them off enough and they may eventually fade away...

Yeah but I don't wanna hurt him.....

It is annoying me though... and it takes a lot to annoy me.

It's mainly the food and the not asking which irritates me (and he's one of those people who eats really loud lol!). I don't think he'd try to be a leech... He sometimes brings me magazines and leaflets.

Former Member

Namaste wrote: »

Yeah but I don't wanna hurt him.....

It is annoying me though... and it takes a lot to annoy me.

It's mainly the food and the not asking which irritates me (and he's one of those people who eats really loud lol!). I don't think he'd try to be a leech... He sometimes brings me magazines and leaflets.

You won't hurt him, you do it subtly and you naturally drift rather than saying to his face fuck off.. I've never had to do that to anyone and successfully got rid of annoying people by just subtly cutting them off.

Hide your food, stick the seeds in a drawer and tell him you've run out, etc...

Former Member

Firstly - hide all your food that can just be munched on (like seeds) so he can't just help himself. Turning up at mealtimes is tricky, I'd suggest having a portion of leftovers in the freezer so if he turns up you can just say ahhh I can't be arsed cooking tonight so I'm just gonna eat this leftover from yesterday so he can't muscle in, and you will have hid all the snacks. Eventually he will get hungry and leave - hurrah!

About needing time to do work, have you said to him plainly 'sorry I'm gonna have to kick you out cos this *has* to be done today'? You can say that nicely but firmly. If you say that and he doesn't leave then you're seriously gonna have to stop answering the door! If you've said that you can't see him on the weekend and he comes anyway then just turn him away at the door

Former Member

^ yes, I think i should hide my food... He didn't even know if what he was eating is mine though!

It was hemp seeds, expensive shit.

Former Member

Talk to him ... explain the issue .... if he is a good enough friend, he will understand.

Former Member

Fucking hell. All this bullshit just to avoid a confrontation. Seriously, if you can't tell him you don't appreciate him coming round and eating your food, without offending him, then he's obviously not that much of a friend. You can even do it in a jokey way, but a way that makes him understand. If you bottle it up, it'll just end up building up until you take it out by stabbing him in the hand with a fork when he tries to steal a chip.

I had no problem telling my mate to "stop using my stuff you disgusting bastard." We're still friends. It's when you don't tell people straight away that people start to take advantage.

Former Member

just tell him that you are gay and he shall sort it out himself.

yeah, sounds to me like advantage taking, not out of illwill, but maybe because he really is lonely. I used to be like that in my teenage years. When I fancied someone I'd suck so up on this person until she can't stand me anymore. Just tell him that you don't fancy him (yeah, you can even do that out of the blue. Just say, hey listen up, I'm not sure if you fancy me or something, sometimes I have quite the feeling. Keep in mind that I'm homo and I really don't see you in that way, sorry. If you don't fancy me, ignore what I was saying.), and make clear that you have to pay for your food as well, and if he's coming over for dinner: no biggie, I will cook just a bit more, but be prepared that I'll charge you a bit!

@tinkler & kangoo: I do not agree with this "subtle" food hiding. Yeah, it might be out of order to invite himself, but he probably isn't even aware he's annoying, or straining your wallet. The day he opens a drawer or peeks inside a drawer you are opening which has those seeds in it after you told him you ran out of them, is the day he will be really hurt and pissed off. Why can't people just be upright and tell it to them instead of subtle hiding, disguising and lying?

Former Member

He knows about my sexual orientation, also about my 'thing' for genderbending drag fun! He is also bisexual but doesn't believe in acting upon it. That is all very well I guess, it is entirely his choice.

And I dunno if he fancies me... I'm sure any lass knows sometimes it happens, with having male friends and all. Probably happens with guys having female friends too. I am not jumping to conclusions... Nothing would ever happen though as he's just a mate and even if I did fancy him, the whole no sex before marriage and religion would kill me. lol

But people are right, I should be honest. I just don't wanna hurt him, in case he is lonely, or if he is really hungry and doesn't have food at home. :no:

I shall maybe chat to him...

Meh... I am too much of a softy pushover for my own good.

Former Member

You really need to talk to him. Has he ever told you why seeing you is really important?

It's when you don't tell people straight away that people start to take advantage.

Exactly.

Former Member

Assertiveness

You come across as very unassertive, if you can feel more in touch with yourself, get a greater sense of who you are and project it better, you may find people will take more notice of what you say. Don't be shy of being firm with people.

Former Member

What has his religion got to do with anything btw?

Former Member

I'm With Stupid wrote: »

What has his religion got to do with anything btw?

Nothing other than I feel uncomfortable that he disapproves of my lifestyle and sometimes has said.

Saying that, a lot of people disapprove just because they do.

I think it's probably because I grew up in the church and in denial because I was scared God would smite me.

I kinda get the feeling he's a bit pushy with it sometimes though. I went to CU out of curiousity and they were trying to convert me and said homosexuality is a disability... wtf???

lol

Former Member

Mandalena wrote: »

You come across as very unassertive, if you can feel more in touch with yourself, get a greater sense of who you are and project it better, you may find people will take more notice of what you say. Don't be shy of being firm with people.

Thanks, I am in touch with myself and have few issues with assertiveness. It is just with this guy I am soft because he is such a nice and very sensitive guy.

I don't know how to be tactful, or approach this case.

Former Member

I had a similar problem with a friend and just stopped making any effort to see them and always found myself 'busy' when they wanted to see me. Soon cleared it up. (I came back from holiday, signed into MSN, straight away he says 'so you've unblocked me then').

Not heard from him for about a month now

Former Member

Namaste wrote: »

Nothing other than I feel uncomfortable that he disapproves of my lifestyle and sometimes has said.

Saying that, a lot of people disapprove just because they do.

I think it's probably because I grew up in the church and in denial because I was scared God would smite me.

I kinda get the feeling he's a bit pushy with it sometimes though. I went to CU out of curiousity and they were trying to convert me and said homosexuality is a disability... wtf???

lol

Do you feel he's trying to preach at you? Because I suspect you wouldn't have mentioned it if it didn't bother you. Like the other issue, you kinda have to be firm with him, and make sure that he knows not to push his religion on you, and that he's not going to change your opinion on homosexuality.

And since you've tried to respect his religion by attending his CU meeting and trying to see things from his POV, maybe you could suggest that he hang out with you and your gay/bi friends (though I know you've said in the past that you don't really hang out with a gay community). But the basic point is that you've made the effort to see where he's coming from, so he owes you the same thing.

Former Member

Next time he turns up at dinner time, try bringing it up. Like "Well, I was just about to make myself some dinner, if you want to eat, will you pop to the shop and buy some potatoes and then I can make you a portion too? Otherwise, you'll just have to watch mea eat really." That way, he can eat if he contributes, or he can watch you eat, or he can go home. I'm sure you don't need to worry about whether he has food at home, his god will provide.

Former Member

Thanks people...

Am gonna make it clear to him that I can't see him for a while until I finish my work, but that I'll hang out later.

And am gonna hang around my house less, so he can't eat my food (my flatmate know knows who has been eating his bread!).. Like out in the park.

I guess the food thing in a way is a compliment. Kinda shows I'm a good cook tho. :eek2:

Former Member

Put your foot down and tell him to get his act together.

Former Member

I agree with a lot of the above responses. The first thing that comes to mind is that he's trying to push his religion upon you, which is - as the chavs like to say - "bang out of order!". Also, I find it a bit odd that he admits he's bisexual, yet continues to disapprove of your sexual orientation, despite the fact that he doesn't "act out" on his bisexuality. Bit rich, don't you think?

The fact that he's wanting to spend so much time with you, in my opinion, suggests that he is trying to convert you, in whatever ways possible, be it religious or sexual issues; and frankly, no one appreciates a person who does that. Surely he has a job or something, or a student loan, that would allow him to purchase his own sodding seeds and sausages? He's coming round to your place and lecturing you, stealing your food, asking for your money... I know you don't want to hurt him, but do you consider him to be a close friend? Or is he someone it wouldn't hurt to see the back of?

Personally, I wouldn't put up with it.

Former Member

Just be firm and clear. Is sometimes hard...but if he takes it the wrong way at the end of the day it's his problem. Put yourself first!

Former Member

Bohemian wrote: »

I agree with a lot of the above responses. The first thing that comes to mind is that he's trying to push his religion upon you, which is - as the chavs like to say - "bang out of order!". Also, I find it a bit odd that he admits he's bisexual, yet continues to disapprove of your sexual orientation, despite the fact that he doesn't "act out" on his bisexuality. Bit rich, don't you think?

The fact that he's wanting to spend so much time with you, in my opinion, suggests that he is trying to convert you, in whatever ways possible, be it religious or sexual issues; and frankly, no one appreciates a person who does that. Surely he has a job or something, or a student loan, that would allow him to purchase his own sodding seeds and sausages? He's coming round to your place and lecturing you, stealing your food, asking for your money... I know you don't want to hurt him, but do you consider him to be a close friend? Or is he someone it wouldn't hurt to see the back of?

Personally, I wouldn't put up with it.

I don't know if he is trying to convert me... Though he was really happy when I went to CU.

He does have a student loan, but doesn't work (I work two jobs and still struggle even with a loan)...

But yes, I do kind of wonder... He was phoning me the other day but this time I just told him I'm too busy...

Meh... I'll get round to talking about it.