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Having trust issues
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Just a warning that this could turn out to be a really long thread.
I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 4 months now and for the biggest part of it she's had trouble trusting me with one of my best friends (a girl)
I understand how she feels because this friend did get jealous and very flirty after I got with my gf (I fancied her years ago and got a knockback but never ever fancied her again, however she has apparantly fancied me for about 2 years but I didn't want anything to happen) she texts me nearly every day and always wants to see me to "Hang out"
I've cut down on seeing her because, tbh it does get awkward (I know for a fact that she hates my girlfriend and wants us to break up) and all she does it moan about my grilfriend. Anyway, this never seems enough - somehow my girlfriend gets really jealous and the other night she told me she could see it in my eyes that I still fancied my friend (I never ever have again and never would. I haven't even as much as got off with ehr in all the time I've known her) and this is where the games start...
She was seeing a guy before and whilst seeing me and decided she wanted me. All was fine until she told me that she was going to her friends party and that this guy was going to be there (he's the brother of the friend's boyfriend) and had been texting her with things like "How would u like to wake up in a strange bed". I started to get jealous and really began doubting my girlfriend - I couldn't see why she would tell me all this unless she was trying to make me jealous or something. Anyway, she went to the party and said nothing happened and I guess I was fine to leave it at that.
Ever since this she seems to be bringing this guy up all the time - texting me and kidding on that she's going out and that he's going to be there. I know for a fact that she's trying to make me jealous but I really want to trust her, and to an extent I do, but she makes it really hard when she acts like this.
It's just doing my head in; I want to be happy and secure but its really hard to be
I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 4 months now and for the biggest part of it she's had trouble trusting me with one of my best friends (a girl)
I understand how she feels because this friend did get jealous and very flirty after I got with my gf (I fancied her years ago and got a knockback but never ever fancied her again, however she has apparantly fancied me for about 2 years but I didn't want anything to happen) she texts me nearly every day and always wants to see me to "Hang out"
I've cut down on seeing her because, tbh it does get awkward (I know for a fact that she hates my girlfriend and wants us to break up) and all she does it moan about my grilfriend. Anyway, this never seems enough - somehow my girlfriend gets really jealous and the other night she told me she could see it in my eyes that I still fancied my friend (I never ever have again and never would. I haven't even as much as got off with ehr in all the time I've known her) and this is where the games start...
She was seeing a guy before and whilst seeing me and decided she wanted me. All was fine until she told me that she was going to her friends party and that this guy was going to be there (he's the brother of the friend's boyfriend) and had been texting her with things like "How would u like to wake up in a strange bed". I started to get jealous and really began doubting my girlfriend - I couldn't see why she would tell me all this unless she was trying to make me jealous or something. Anyway, she went to the party and said nothing happened and I guess I was fine to leave it at that.
Ever since this she seems to be bringing this guy up all the time - texting me and kidding on that she's going out and that he's going to be there. I know for a fact that she's trying to make me jealous but I really want to trust her, and to an extent I do, but she makes it really hard when she acts like this.
It's just doing my head in; I want to be happy and secure but its really hard to be
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Comments
I'd guess she's maybe thinking the same thing deep down?
She's the one being irrational though, and it needs to stop. Have you both actually sat down one night with a bottle of wine or something and had one of those really "deep" conversations? I think if you have a long chat about it (non-confrontational obviously) and let her know that this is starting to get to you and you don't know why she's doing it.
Hopefully it won't turn into a shouting match, but if it does then so be it. It beats bottling things up, y'know?
Trust is very important in relationships. You need to find a way of reassuring your girlfriend but if she is insecure this may be very difficult, she may try to control you too much, playing mind games is a control stategy and is not very loving. I would try to find out what is a the root of all this by having an honest talk. If you can't trust each other you won't enjoy your relationship.
You have problems with your friend and it's mildly annoying, so if I were you I had long ago called her up, allowed my g/f to stay in the same room and tell her we need to cut down a bit on the contact, because it's obvious you do not like my gf much, but sorry, this is my life and my decision and I want to be with her, end of story.
I think you really need to have a talk with your gf, but be careful and not too confrontational, otherwise she might bring up your friend in her defense and how it's "the same thing." and "that you can see now, how hurtful it is" and crap. You were just seeing a friend and she's kinda plotting against you, by the sound of words.
Sit down with her and tell her she has the freedom to go wherever she wants, but that you find it immature that she's rubbing it under your nose every time and that she hasn't told HER friend (or ex-bf, didn't quite get it), that those kind of texts are out of order and are to omit on her wish. If she has a problem with YOUR friend, she should have told you more precisely and you would have sorted that, instead of starting a jealousy war.
Do NOT refrain from further on go see your friend, because then she "won" with her petty little war and I think it leaves a sign that she can do crap like this in the future to get what she wants.
good luck.
I spoke to my girlfriend for about 2 hours and I'm more or less certain that this is th end of it. We bpth realised that we shouldn't be having these silly issues and things have been moving on nicely.
StrubbleS - I totally agree that this was a control thing and that in a way I was giving in but she knows that I let things go so far and then put a stop to them so i dunno where she was going with it.