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How do you get over shit in the past?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

In the past, I've had quite a few bad experiences. I'm sure nearly everyone has - being mugged, assaulted, raped in some cases. In my life largely there's been some injustice - I've been conned, swindled, lost thousands of pounds somewhat due to my own naivety (eg doing work for people without a contract / up-front payment and never getting paid).

I have learnt the lessons from my past bad experiences, and now want to move on and just look into the future, hoping never to have any shit like that again. However, these things are bugging me, constantly on my mind every day. Some of the things are fairly trivial but the whole principle/injustice of it really gets to me, that I got cheated, and I don't know how to just let it go. Friends/family just brush it off saying to let it go, move on. I don't know how to.

So I'm asking you, any bad experiences you may have had in the past, how do you live your lives today without previous bad things occupying your mind / avoiding negative thoughts about the past?

Cheers :thumb:
x

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you say to yourself, 'bad things have happened, things have gone wrong, but i can't change that because it's in the past. instead i'm going to put those things behind me, but use what they taught me to make me a stronger person and help me to make better decisions'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bad Experiences

    I have had a lot of bad experiences too. They don't bother me because rightly or wrongly I develop ammnesia and can't remember much. People process things in different ways. Some like to talk about things, it might help to think of it as a story maybe write it down then have a ritual burial, you could put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea for instance. Every morning I think of it as the first day of my life, it is hard to put the past traumas behind you but I think it is much harder not to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll get back to you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    acceptance.
    You have come to terms that bad things happen, to everyone. You can't make them undone. They will always be there, but some people learn to accept them, live with them, process them.

    I guess there isn't much of a instruction manual to follow through. It's all about realizing it's done, not to be changed and accepting that it's part of your life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just do. Life is too short.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some people seem to carry unwanted bagage around with them for ever ...just can't let it go.
    You might be one of these people. Stoping thinking about yourself so much helps. Starting to think more about others is an even bigger help.
    If you doo nowt ...nowt will change. So change something.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree it is really hard. For me personally I just accept that it has happened and that it will always be a part of my life. Moving on doesn't necessarily have to mean forgetting about it. If it's interfering and constantly on your mind then I would talk about it or write it down. Sometimes it helps to just get it out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    J wrote: »
    But maybe that's because the person was traumatised and it goes beyond a normal point into a deep psychological wound. Like if they were abused as a kid. I guess it's like shellshock that people in the war suffered years after the battle.

    I agrreee wit you ...but only wat is to change ...something. no change something no change will jappen
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i just try and forget it and pretend it never happened

    it works for me for the most part until i'm feeling down then i remember again

    if you figure out how to let go completely let me know :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In the past....stays in the past...no point dwelling on things that have already happened.

    Look forward to better times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You will try to find all the answers when there isn't any for you. Take the situations and shine some light on them to make them less uneasy.

    For example, if a man nearly died and was dwelling on it he would be unhappy but if he changed the situation in his mind and thought of it as "I nearly died but hey look I'm still alive"

    Trust me, this will work.

    ETA: this is the easiest way to make negative thoughts easy to handle
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for these responses, much appreciated.

    What I've tried to do since yesterday, and seems to be working, is to think that the experiences were entirely my fault (even though they weren't), that way I don't have any hatred/anger/upset at other people, and don't so badly desire revenge.

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For me, I accept that what has happened has happened. I can't change that. But today when I wake up, I can change what happens today. Just focus on the today otherwise you'll waste your life mourning for the past. It's a sad truth that life isn't fair.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think thats the right way to go about this. You should never blame yourself if it wasn't your fault. Better to think its their fault but revenge is never sweet.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One thing I've learnt from the past is that sometimes it's better to just write it off and say 'it happened' rather than afford blame to yourself or whoever else. Even when you were mugged and assaulted that's definately someone elses fault but is blaming yourself or them now going to help? It just seems like another way to dwell on what has already happened - and you don't want to miss out on what is happening right now because of that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Virus wrote: »
    I don't think thats the right way to go about this. You should never blame yourself if it wasn't your fault. Better to think its their fault but revenge is never sweet.
    If I think that it's my fault, then I feel there's nothing I can do about it and just move on. However, if I feel someone else is involved and it was their fault, this makes me constantly angry and I'm always thinking about hiring a gang to beat them up / burn their place down. Thus, better to just think that I'm to blame to move on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    One thing I've learnt from the past is that sometimes it's better to just write it off and say 'it happened' rather than afford blame to yourself or whoever else. Even when you were mugged and assaulted that's definately someone elses fault but is blaming yourself or them now going to help? It just seems like another way to dwell on what has already happened - and you don't want to miss out on what is happening right now because of that.

    In any situation, no one person is responsible it's about realising how you were responsible for what happens may it even be only standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinkler wrote: »
    If I think that it's my fault, then I feel there's nothing I can do about it and just move on. However, if I feel someone else is involved and it was their fault, this makes me constantly angry and I'm always thinking about hiring a gang to beat them up / burn their place down. Thus, better to just think that I'm to blame to move on.

    Whatever helps you, but this all depends on what your problem is. If it's serious I wouldn't let me blame myself, and neither should you. Take the situation and think what the worst is that could happen, then see if you can find out how to stop it annoying you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Behind every beautiful face theres some kind of pain.
    Bob Dylan.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'll be honest: years of therapy...

    but then again my experances have been extreme. and somethings you do build up a thick skin against, and others you have to just sigh at an walk away....

    hope that helps
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hakuna Matata.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stoping thinking about yourself so much helps. Starting to think more about others is an even bigger help.

    There's a lot of truth in that, being self-obsessed and analysing yourself all the time can't make for a happy existence surely?

    I'm not really one to talk because anything I've been through always pales into insignificance compared to some of the stuff other people have been through.

    Can't change the past but you can really change the future, as long as I've got my friends and family then I'll always get by.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'll be honest: years of therapy...

    but then again my experances have been extreme. and somethings you do build up a thick skin against, and others you have to just sigh at an walk away....

    hope that helps
    What happens in therapy? Do you spill out all of your experiences, till they get to the very bottom of the initial experience that caused your unhappiness? And then what do they do to combat that? How does therapy work (ideally without the years and thousands of pounds in fees bit!)

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    living in the UK helps as it is free if you are deemed needy of it.

    you basically sit there and talk about how things make you feel, and why they made you feel like that, you establish whats healthy and whats not, you find ways to cope, and stratagies to use in crisis. thats psycotherapy, and i've found it invaluable. i've gone from someone that was classified as having clinical depression to having PTSD and panic disorder which on the whole is manageable. But thats taken four years, and some dedicated friends and therapists.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinkler wrote: »
    What happens in therapy? Do you spill out all of your experiences, till they get to the very bottom of the initial experience that caused your unhappiness? And then what do they do to combat that? How does therapy work (ideally without the years and thousands of pounds in fees bit!)

    x

    :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin: :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    gonna forget about myself for a while ...go out and see what others need.
    Bob Dylan.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinkler wrote: »
    If I think that it's my fault, then I feel there's nothing I can do about it and just move on. However, if I feel someone else is involved and it was their fault, this makes me constantly angry and I'm always thinking about hiring a gang to beat them up / burn their place down. Thus, better to just think that I'm to blame to move on.

    This works :thumb:
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