Leave him?

Former Member

Me and OH have a baby together, we was happy until yesterady when I found out he'd been lying to me.... not cheated but money lies, credit cards that he'd been using and said he hasnt, getting into debts. He has always had a problem with money and he said he changed - not spending as much, but obv he hasnt changed. He just spends his money on crap.

On one hand I want to just leave him, its not fair on our baby us argueing. If we finish now our baby wouldnt know (she's only 3 months), but then I dont want my daughter not living with her mummy and daddy. Im just staying with him cos of our daughter, and cos I do still love him but I dont trust him, he is my first proper boyfriend ad I do love him, but cant trust him with money. He said he'll let me have his bank cards, but weve been here before, when he did it before he said he would let me have them but then when we made up he fobbed me off and wouldnt give them to me.

I told him I dont want his bank cards, I said I might leave but he said he'll leave. I think it might be a good idea.... but then were would he stay? His mums... I dont want anyone knowing about our problems.

We are engaged, have a baby together and a house... can I really leave it all?? I would look after our daughter but he could see her at weekends etc, I dunno..... I dont know what to do. I cant talk to anyone, my mate is going through her own break up and I dont want to tell my mum and dad incase we work through it, they wont forgive him, they dont know anything about his money problems.

Weve been together nearly 4 years, so along time to just to throw away, but I cant trust him. We have had alot of happy times.

I dont know what to do:crying:

Former Member

i would suggest getting some counselling tbh if you still love him and since theres a baby involved. Its not like youd be able to make a clean break anyway even if you wanted to.
I think youre right to not take his bank cards - that would put you in a very parental position like his spending is your responsibility. Youre not his mum. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his spending himself because he needs to.
Id consider contacting Relate

Former Member

Could you get him to contact the CCCS and have him deal with his debts and stuff? If he sorts it out you could save your relationship maybe.
xx

Former Member

:Thanks for your replies. It isint alot of money - 500 quid, so alot to me but I dont like him using credit cards. He is paying it off. Its the fact he lied to me, stood right infront of me while I was holding our daughter and he said he hadnt used the cards.

I said to him about counselling but he said no. He just spends his money on crap.:( Im fed up.

Former Member

I would sit him down and talk to him about how this has made you feel, let him know that you love him but you are not prepared for him to lie to you but also be willing to compromise about the things he spends money on.

People have vastly different ideas about what is appropriate to spend money on and indeed how much to spend, I personally do think £500 is lots of money and would love to have that to spend right now.

I got hugely into debt, mostly with my husband using secondary credit cards in my name that we are now paying off as best possible and have had to budget, that has taught me a real lesson in not spending money on things that I don't need. I have a list of my outgoings and then we set aside an amount to pay off our debt and take a fixed amount each week to cover food, petrol, household repairs, car expenses etc and I know I have to save some of it and only spend what I have in my allowance. Do you think sitting down and making a similar arrangement would work ?

Maybe if you each have a certain amount of money that you can do what you want with each week then you would find that he would behave more responsibly and if not then it doesnt affect you ?

Personally I have found having the money in my purse instead of using a card a real eye opener too, actually handing over the money to someone makes it all the more real and you see what you have left to spend without thinking oh I will just get this on the card and pay it off next month.

Former Member

I talked to him last night, just said he was sorry and he is learning and wont do it again, and that he'd understand if I wanted to leave.

I asked him ages ago about doing a budget, but he said no, he cant be botherd putting everything down he's bought.

He is very secritive, dont think he'll ever change tbh.

Former Member

well only you can decide if thats the life you want to live, but to me it sounds like he isnt taking what you say seriously

Former Member

apart from the money problem it sounds he's alright. I would very much prefer professional help, like counseling, as spending ridiculous amounts of money is very much a psychological issue that can be cured, not dissimilar to a depression or something. It's not because he is absolutely in his right mind and just like to spend stuff.
Try to mend the rlship first for the sake of the baby.

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

Try to mend the rlship first for the sake of the baby.

Thats why I havent left him yet, I just look at the our baby and cant leave him.

Former Member

Yummy_Mummy wrote: »

I asked him ages ago about doing a budget, but he said no, he cant be botherd putting everything down he's bought.

That sounds like a ridicoulosly childish statement. He needs to understand that he has a responsibility to provide for his daughter first and formost.

I agree that if you can't get him to sit down and start talking like an adult then you need someone else to facilitate this for you. TBH if he refused to put down what he is spending then you have to be prepared that the £500 might well be just the tip of the iceberg.

Former Member

Yummy_Mummy wrote: »

Thats why I havent left him yet, I just look at the our baby and cant leave him.

yeah, but don't sit around and hope for a miracle either. he needs help, and it's unlikely he's getting it himself.

Former Member

The idea of a budget is not so much him writing down what he spends his money on so much as how much you need to pay out for the house and your child then sharing the rest of the money between you both fairly for him to do what he wants with. Then you dont need to know what he does with it because its his to do whatever he wants with, the bills are covered and you and your child do not have to go without, however it sounds to me like he has issues with the amount of money he is spending and either doesnt want to admit it to himself or you.

People with money problems dont always want to admit it to other people and they also dont always see the problem until its too late.