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It seems to me like you basically just think he should give up football entirely and put you as number one in his life, and I don't think that is right. Fair enough if his time consuming activity involved just sitting down the pub with his mates or something but he is taking part in a sport he is clearly dedicated to, that is a big, constructive part of his life, and that he enjoys. You are important to him, sure, but he shouldn't have to give up the other very important thing in his life just because you want him to.
If a man asked me to give up something like that because "I'm your boyfriend and I should come first" I would tell him where to go. If the travel costs and him going out for a drink afterwards aren't the issue, then what is? The idea that he should spend every opportunity/second of potential free time that he has with you is ridiculous, and I don't see that the problem would go away if you were living together if that is the attitude you have.
And finally I think giving him an ultimatum is not the best way forward because even if he did give up football for you, it would be likely to lead to a lot of resentment down the line. What would be next - he wants to go out for a drink with one of his mates at the weekend, but you won't let him because you don't understand why he doesn't want to spend all his free time with you (despite the fact that it is his weekend too?).
I know I might sound repetitive, but you shouldn't be NOT complaining of his sunday footie, because he won't give it up anyway, but because you are happy for him he has a hobby, a dedication, a 'duty' might sound a bit over the top, of playing a team sport.
/edit: this point "there is something more important to him than me" is a moot one. you have things too that are important to you and there are surely things you wouldn't want to give up for him. Be it - for a dumb example - Jiu Jitsu and he doesn't like you wrestling around with other boys. Be it your education, because he wants you to quit school and move in together with him somewhere far away from your school. There ARE things that are sacred to you and your partner and those are _NOT_ comparable with the partner as human being, so stop it, this "I'd give up eeeeverything for my boyfriend" attitude is creepy. Accept that there are things that are important to other people and be it just the fucking wank in the morning. those are things you better not interfere with.
is nobody listning to what i am saying? of course it wouldnt be an issue if we lived together as we would get to spend time together during the week and i wouldnt care that he goes and does football on sundays! where we are long distance and i only get to see him once in 2 weeks, thats when it makes a diffrence.
ok lets get a few things straight: 1. I am not making him choose and 2. I am not asking him to give it up!!!!
I just want a bit of compermise!!!! its NOT FAIR the way things are at the moment, why should i have to fit in around HIS life? what makes him more important than me? fair do's i dont have to play footballl every weekend but there is stuff i do give up for him and he don't seem to care.
all i want out this situation is him to realise that football is making problems for use and maybe we could sit down with the calender and pick the weeks he could come and see me and make sure he sticks to them so he can warn his football mates in advance he will be missing a certian match, some things are more important then upsetting your football manager.
i am counting down the days untill the season is over and i can have my boyfriend back
i totaly understand what you are saying, i do, and i am happy that he has his football cus his team are doing really well at the moment so i am excited for him BUT the world dont revolve arounf football
Right, but one match on sunday morning doesn't really equal "the world" for me...
lol ok but it just the fact that it stops him from seeing me that fooks me right off, if i lived with him, no problem! but untill then i think we should BOTH put an effort in and if that means missing football once in a while then so be it. i miss things for him and change my plans so i dont see why he cant?
So as I said earlier, you see him 2 weeks of the month, one of those weeks he misses a match for you, what is the problem? That looks like a pretty good compromise to me.
I still don't see what is unfair about the situation. You've said the money thing isn't really the issue (which I could understand if it were), so what is? He comes to see you once out of the two weeks you spend together, you go see him one out of the two weeks you spend together. He misses a match for you every month. If you don't want to go down to see him because it is a long trip, fair enough but I don't think it is then reasonable to expect him to just drop football at the last minute to come and see you when you know he already has that commitment.
The sitting down with a calendar thing sounds like a good idea if the problem is him not deciding till the last moment what he is doing and you not being able to make other plans (which you haven't previously mentioned is the problem).
When you are in a long distance relationship, you do have to fit round one anothers lives, and if one of you has a certain commitment then the other has to fit in around that. Like if you're in a long distance relationship where your partner works weekends and you work during the week (as I was) or whether your partner works on the other side of the world and then comes home for a month and expects to spend the whole month with you (as I am now). You both have to make compromise. He is giving up the rest of his weekend the same as you are to spend the time with you and he gives up a match what seems to work out as one out of the two weeks you see each other.
I'm not trying to have a go at you cos I know LDRs are hard, its just I can see it from his point of view and I'm finding it hard to see exactly what you want from him that he isn't already doing.
its not always like that though, he went 3 whole months recently without coming down ONCE, all becuase of football, how is that fair?? we did agree to take turns in seeing eachother so that he misses one match a month but it dont seem to be happning becuase he is so stubborn and gives me shit about wanting things to be equal.
i dont think i am asking for much, i just want him to come and see me every now and again without me having to beg and nag
Also I would say to him (during football season) that you can only come down and see him on certain dates, and if he pulls out from coming to see you at the last minute for no good reason or something then you shouldn't then bail him out by making the journey down to see him. I know it is hard because you obviously want to spend time with him, but if he thinks that he can tell you he's coming down and then not bother because he knows you will turn up to see him anyway, then that probably seems like the easier option for him. It might even make him realise that he does have to make more of an effort if you don't just turn up every time you've arranged for him to come down and he doesn't. Alternatively he won't care, in which case he doesn't sound like a great boyfriend anyway.
http://www.thefa.com/Womens/
he dont tend to stich me up at the last min, he just says no im not coming becuase of football which makes me angry and upset, espically when we agreed to take it in turns/he misses one match a month, which ever suits HIM (of course).
We live 100 miles apart and i live on ths isle of wight which makes things 10 times harder as we have the ferry to contend with which means we can just nip on the train or jump in the car to see one another, it has to to planned and in my case, booked.
Well that isn't good enough! It isn't the football that seems to be the problem - its him. It would be reasonable to expect him to keep to his word at the very least and organise some dates and stick to them unless something drastically unavoidable gets in the way. When you're in a long distance relationship you HAVE to plan things.
I would have a serious word with him, not necessarily about the football but about this "lack of planning" attitude and seemingly not caring about the time and effort you put in to go down and see him, the expense of it and the fact that he doesn't seem that bothered one way or the other about making an effort himself. Even if he popped down to see you on a Friday night and left Saturday every couple of months it would be something to show he cared enough to make the effort. 100 miles isn't that far if he is driving and he wouldn't always have to do it but it would be a nice gesture.
I respect him having a dedication to football and not wanting to miss matches to spend time with you, but there are ways that it can be worked around and ways that he could show his appreciation for you and the effort you make that he doesn't seem to be showing.
And if he doesnt give a fig that he never see's you any more then you have your answer- that your better off without him.
Here I was trying to veil the hard fact into numerous paragraphs to make it easy digestible.. pff
:razz:
thats if his team win next week, if they dont it looks like im guna have to go to his again, for once i will be looking foward to him going to football haha.
yeah i will talk to him about the whole situaion but seeing as the season is coming to a close now there dont seem much point so might just brush this issue under the carpet, its easier that way...
Which possibly means he may not have anymore important matches in time for visiting you anyway!
Whilst it may only be a game to you, it's his passion and the way he spends time with his mates. If serious about playing for team you have have to turn up every week else you stitch you mates, your team and ultimately yourself if it's something you love.
If you going to make him give up or at least miss out on something he loves, he'll may well end up resenting you for it. That is if you do manage to persuade him to give it up or miss it on occasion - my opinion is that you won't and if you make him choose, it'll be the football that wins.
I would accepet the football, and try other means to spend time with him.
I couldnt be bothered with it if it was me.
Abso-bollock-lutely.
To be honest, I think there's quite a lot of "boys and football, typical :rolleyes:" attitude going on in this thread. I think if a female poster came on saying that her boyfriend had the same problem with her being (for example) a Brown Owl in the brownies or a church thing or even something like weekly girly shopping trips then some people would be quick to change their tune!
I'm sure you can compromise a bit more between you, but at the end of the day if I was in your boyfriend's position and got an ultimatum then the football would probably win.
Personally I wouldn't want to stop doing something I loved just because someone didn't see the point in it, and equally I wouldn't want to stop somebody I loved doing something they loved either.
Absolutely, this whole thread is an absolute farce for that very reason. How dare a man have an interest other than his partner, fucking disgraceful. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
But just a point on the calendar thing, it's not as simple as just going through the calendar and picking dates out and saying "i'll see you then, then, then and then". In my league we get a months worth of fixtures at a time, some games are bigger than others! You get scheduled occasional free weeks! The week before a big game you might get 2/3 players pull out due to injury / work committments, if this is a week your boy has planned to come and see you then he is going to be letting his whole team down when its an avoidable committment, he will get asked by his manager to make one in and I would expect him to!
So maybe when the months or so fixtures are released, that is when you should maybe pick dates out, but you still have to expect him to maybe pull out of the trip if his team is desperate for players, especially if they are chasing winning the league / cups etc.
I respect you though, cos I think 100 miles is a hell of a long way and no matter how sexy you was or how well we got on I wouldn't even bother having the relationship, too much like hard work when relationships are hard enough without having to need to get a ferry to see each other! I would be bored to death travelling that distance on my own!
Long distance relationships are frustrating enough without feeling like you are the only person willing to make an effort.If you have talked to him about it and there is no way round maybe it's time to re-assess. How long are you planning to be in an LDR for? Compromise is the key, we agreed that we would have a special us weekend once a month in the summer (cricket season) and the winter was fun. In the end you either have to accept the sport that means so much to them and just make the time you spend together without it being an issue worth it, or end it. Compromise? yes. change someone? no - which is what you are trying to do if you can't accept something so core to him.
football rules, and it's only for a few months a year, however if you agreed for him to miss one match a month he should be being fair too.
:yes: I think people are getting too focued on the actual football - that's not the problem. It's a LDR that seems very one sided atm - a LDR requires effort from both sides and compromise. It does seem like he's not putting much effort into seeing her and expects her to organise around his life. I don't think it's fair to be calling her selfish and going 'OMG how dare you get between a man and his football!?' when all she's wanting is to make the relationship more even. Though I think she made a similar thread before so I think if she's unhappy and things are unlikely to change then she needs to have a think about where things are going.
THANKYOU!!!!!! Somebody finaly sees what i am trying to say!!!
Also, how many times do i have to say I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE HIM CHOOSE! i guess some people post before reading the whole thread.
And no, people have no right to call me selfish becuse not any many you know what its like to be in a LDR, its clear Ballerina understands as she is in one herself. Just think about that before you say stuf like "how dare you expect him to have other intrests that are not you!"
I AM NOT TRYING TO CHANGE HIM, i just want compermise!!!! not it being one sided all the time.
i understand what someone said about the calender things where you can't tell what matchs are going to importnant etc etc and if we had to swap a weekend for football that would be ok as long as we aranaged something else and he told me about it in advance so i wasnt disapointed if he stiched me again for football.
Now excuse me, while I lock myself in the bathroom and cry.
/leaves thread.
ok well to sum it up the season is ending soon, thank fuck, and all this will be forgetten