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Oh man, a "situation"...

Thought all these problems were in my past now but seemingly not. Just want a bit of validation that I am right right right to feel/act the way I do about this... or a slating but I think that'd be uncalled for :p

Anyway I have a really, really good boy friend who I've known for years and years. We are more like the same person split into male/female bodies than anything else - which means I have always loved him but equally been irritated half to death by him on many occasions. He has been a fantastic friend, but now he's being a prize twat and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it (other than the way I have been, which is the "ignore, IGNORE" approach).

Haven't seen him a hell of a lot over the past 18 months due to travelling and baby stuff, so it's only been the last three months or so our friendship had been back on track. He had serious psychotic-girlfriend issues which have recently come to a head when she moved back to Scotland, going out for a beer hasn't been so nervewracking since then.... since she used to appear from nowhere to scream unintelligibly/throw a drink on him. ANYWAY I have seen him now and then lately, he's helped out with the girls and we've had a few nights out.

After our last trip to the pub about a fortnight ago, I woke up the next morning to an email that felt like a kick in the stomach. Sent at 4am (as he's so prone to doing) it was your typical "I know there's no point in saying this now, but I'm mad about you and have been since we met blahblahblahcakes". I shut it down and deleted it, it made me feel sick to my stomach to read that from my supposed-best friend. I didn't reply, he sent another message - the "sorry but I had to..." one and I didn't reply. I felt bad about that, I talked it over with my friend, my husband, my mum and they all said "oh, him... just leave it be" and I thought that was for the best, too. They all knew it I guess, my brother has been saying for years "he's playing the long game" which I actually told him [the friend] and we laughed about :crazyeyes

Now he's become a bit weird. Random texts and emails which I feel really scared (maybe scared isn't the right word... nervous, really) to open. I opened an email this morning which was a Youtube link to the Three Dog Night song - Easy to Be Hard. Made me feel rotten, to say the least.

Basically I feel ill thinking about talking to him or meeting for a beer as he has suggested. I feel outraged, even though everyone else is of the "told you so" response. I also feel really fucking disillusioned with men-as-friends at the moment, too, which is really unfair... I can't help it. I can't believe he'd spring this on me. Expecting what... that I'm going to run away with him, that I'm going to have an affair with him, that his confession was going to do anything positive? I guess he felt he had to get it off his chest. But I feel bad. I know he has his problems and I don't want to compound them because I can't get past this... revelation. I also feel like it's selfish of him. He knows I don't have the time, energy or desire to placate all his moods anymore, I guess it's a cry for attention. I'm SO cheesed off with him.

ARRRRGH. Is the way I feel justified? In this situation is it possible to salvage some form of friendship, or is this the end? Oh yeah, and should I reply to him even if just to say "sod off"? I guess it is hard-faced not saying anything, I just can't bring myself to do it - I think he's so out of order.

Cheers for any insight, I know you're all good at that :)
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Comments

  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I'm totally not experienced in things like that, but judging from what you say and others' reaction, it seems to me he was mostly pretending to be a friend trying to get you to get with him. In which case, I don't think there's a friendship to salavage... Sorry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds to me like you need to cut all ties...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and change your number and email address to be on the safe side!
  • TashJTashJ Posts: 79 Budding Regular
    Hi briggi,

    What a frustrating situation! It sounds that you care a lot about this guy (as a friend), and have meant something to each other for ages, and now you find that he's not happy with just being friends and perhaps never has been.

    At this stage, I think it's probably worth letting him know that you're not interested in him in that way - making things as clear as possible so he knows where you stand on the issue. There's an article on TheSite.org called how to reject someone which may be useful. It gives some tips on turning down someone who wants to be more than friends.

    After that, I the ball's in his court really. It is possible to go back to being friends with someone, but for that to happen, he's got to want it to happen even with the knowledge that there isn't a possibility of a relationship.

    If his behaviour doesn't change then I guess it's up to how many random texts and emails you can cope with. If it gets too much, then perhaps you might want to explicitly suggest some 'time out' from the friendship or drop the hint by cutting down your contact with him.

    Hope it all works out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello,

    This is how i see it - he is having a crap time with his girlfriend and needs to aknowledge that its over (if he's not done so already) - but this is kind of freaking him out lots - soo he's latched onto the safe option - i.e. you - afterall your really good friends you get on like a house on fire - he's always loved you to bits plutonically - and now if he can make that one step further - then dealing with all the other scary stuff in his life might be a little bit easier.

    If he is your best friend though it also doesn't automatically mean that he has waiverd all rights to fall in love with you though. But what it does mean is that he needs to respect that you don't love him back.

    However at the moment he is probably playing the i'm confused by girls game and thinks by your silence that your also thiking it over - or in a dilema or something.

    So basically you have to tell him that you don't feel the same way and that he is upsetting you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote: »
    So basically you have to tell him that you don't feel the same way and that he is upsetting you.

    :yes:.

    I've sort of been in his situation, I was in love with my best friend for years, but I never really brought it up unless it was causing problems (like him being a natural flirt (with me) and it upsetting me). The best thing you can do is just acknowledge it but make it very clear that you don't want the same thing. Although I think he is being a bit OTT with all the emails, you need to tell him it's inappropriate and that if he carries on with it you'll be cutting all contact because it's upsetting you.

    I hope it sorts itself out :heart:.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :(
    Tbh ive met about 3 (heterosexual) guys in my entire life capable of having an entirely platonic relationship with a woman and there not being a hint of something else there. I think hes blown it now. Do you think youll ever really accept he likes you for you even if he accepts that his feelings are one sided?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Send him an e-mail saying "This is your last chance. Either accept me as just a friend and never mention anything more than that ever again - or I will cut off all ties with you".

    He may be just a bit headfucked from his personal situation at the moment and may need to hear you say that what he wants, will never be.
  • BunnieBunnie Posts: 6,099 Master Poster
    Personally, I wouldnt write him off so quick, but that's possibly as I am quite a forgiving person.

    I can see why you feel so shit, and I would hate it to happen to me, but as you say, he needed to get it off his chest - ok not long after you get married isn't ideal timing, but I would just email him back and say, you love Stephen and you wouldnt never leave him. You understand he needed to confront you, but you feel that it is probably best if you don't meet up for a while.

    Therefore you aint cutting any ties, or possible noses off faces, but can still have some space.

    You have been friends for a very long time, and in the future, you may even be able to laugh about it.

    I hope it all sorts itself out hun, I really do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate it when guys pull this kind of stunt. Although I guess it must be hard for them. I have a male friend who I've known for 10 years. I used to stay over at his house (not in his bed), go out drinking, speak for hours, etc.

    Last Christmas he confessed on MSN that he was in love with me. I'm slightly ashamed to say I have had no contact with him since then..it just made me feel horrible, like all the times I stayed at his house and told him things he was possibly just perving over me.

    I expect it is still possible to remain friends after someone declares their love, but it is awkward. I don't understand why he confessed to you when you are clearly unavailable. I didn't know you were married!

    Ok, so he was possibly drunk when he sent it.

    But you are totally justified in feeling awkward and somewhat disgusted by it. Maybe you could reply and just say you don't feel comfortable being around him at the moment. Give it some time. He might meet a new girlfriend and fall head over heels in love in the future, and you can go back to being friends.

    But I understand how you feel somewhat deceived and annoyed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katchika - thank you, your post echoed exactly how I feel and made me feel a lot better about the situation. It has happened to me before and I know it's a fairly common occurence in friendships, but what you wrote definitely makes me feel more validated in the way I feel about the whole mess.

    I feel bad for him really, and I feel bad for myself that I will never be able to be friends with him again... not in the same way, anyway. Or anything vaguely resembling the same way. It's shit. I guess he's following the advice that I would give him... give anyone... to just get things off your chest. Pissed off that it affects me though. I'm going to send him a "back off for a bit" message, I can understand why you wouldn't contact the bloke who did this to you... I kind of feel like doing that myself. But I know I'd regret it somewhere down the line. At least if I send a message then I can give myself more time to get my head around it, and whether I want to continue the friendship or not (and if that's even possible).

    Bunnie - you are FAR too nice. But they are good points, I can't imagine laughing about it now... but you're right in that things can change down the line. I don't know if I can imagine going the rest of my life without being mates with him... but then the bloke who was such a great mate has pretty much imploded in my eyes. Maybe it'll just take a cooling off period. Grrr.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :(
    Tbh ive met about 3 (heterosexual) guys in my entire life capable of having an entirely platonic relationship with a woman and there not being a hint of something else there. I think hes blown it now. Do you think youll ever really accept he likes you for you even if he accepts that his feelings are one sided?

    Yeah, it's very rare isn't it... but I thought he was one of the few. We've been friends for so long and been through so much shit. Turns out... that's not the case. I have never thought of him for one second as anything other than a friend and I would NEVER EVER have imagined he felt anything more than friendship. I feel dirty and weird at the thought of him having thoughts like that about me. I think I'm probably overreacting, I just feel so betrayed and... weird. The snide emails don't help. I wish I could just rise above it because I know if we talked it through it would seem a bit better, he's reacting like this because he's being ignored, but basically I have no desire to talk to him... see him... have anything to do with him, at the moment. Like I said, it's just that I imagine I'll feel differently down the line.........
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From a guy's perspective who has in the dim and distant past had feelings for friends, I can see what it's like from the other side. Generally I think this happens to boys who don't have a whole load of confidence (like I was when younger) who happen to find a nice girl as a friend, but then find themselves slowly falling for her.

    At that point, the boy is in a right situation. Typically, the girl would be pretty hot, so you know you've got (in some ways) a fair bit to gain from telling them how you feel now, but at the same time you're completely mixed up, 'cos it's a friend, and you don't want to mess that up. Oh and she most likely already has a boyfriend or similar, too, which makes it a bit more complex.

    But, eventually, you decide one way or the other. And it's not an easy decision so it tends to just get blurted out instead of being handled in a cool or particuarly sympathetic way.

    Then of course the girl has to let you down. 'cos really if she wanted to be with you in that way you'd already be a couple. If you're lucky like I was then the girl will be pretty cool and will carry on being friends, but as a guy you have to realise that that's gotta be the end of it. If you keep pushing then that's that for the friendship.

    It sounds like the guy in your case is still pushing. That means he ain't accepted your no, and that means you can't be friends. Not just now anyway. Potentially in a few months.

    I would finish by saying that clearly, the chap doesn't / didn't want to stuff up the friendship. He obviously wanted the dream solution. Blatant disgust is an interesting reaction, and I can see where you are coming from, but I think it is unlikely that he will have actually been perving over you or anything like that at all. When he's been your friend he has been your friend, without motive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is there some kind of foregoing story? I don't get a few things.

    Like the 4am e-mail...

    OHHHH, mad about you, as in love you, not in I am irate with you.. ok ok...

    well, I guess that was just drunk gibberish. Yea, it seems there might be more feelings involved, but didn't you say you always loved him too? or just friendship love?

    Maybe you should at first talk it out with him, that you think it's not ok that he makes further advances at you. You're a married woman and he has to accept that, as he's only putting strain on your friendship with such things.
    Ask him if he needs space and that you have the impression he might need it.

    Maybe he's just going through a rough patch. Seeing as you both knew each other for such a long time I wouldn't jump to early conclusions...

    /e: did he confess more than once, as in... kind of put pressure on you with that issue?
    I see how it's unnerving, but not the big deal everyone is making it out to be... maybe because I've been in that situation before :/ (as the guy)...

    /e2: I know, this might not be the best moment, but I loved you since day one briggi. and if you are fine with it, we could move into my grandmother's basement. I know that sounds a bit sudden, but my uncle has been a pastor in las vegas so we could have a small wedding in my nan's basement, just with my 14 cats...
    oh sorry I couldn't resist... I feel bad now ^^
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    basicly love, the thing about male and female friendship is that all men with the exception of gays are thinkin about sex, wether they admit it or not, wether they know it or not is a different matter. for example when a guy meets up with an ex who is just a friend now, wil be thinkin, ive got into her before, i could probably do it again, trust me on this. the only exception to the rule is gays as ive already mentioned so dont be fooled!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    seems like you've got it all figured out.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    briggi wrote: »
    The snide emails don't help. I wish I could just rise above it because I know if we talked it through it would seem a bit better, he's reacting like this because he's being ignored, but basically I have no desire to talk to him... see him... have anything to do with him, at the moment. Like I said, it's just that I imagine I'll feel differently down the line.........

    Hey briggi,
    I think a polite but firm message and nothing else, for now at least, sounds like a really good idea. The fact that he has sent some snide emails is really awful - that's the behaviour of a scorned ex rather than a good friend.

    I hope everything works out for the best.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have had this a few times, not with such a long and enduring friendship thoug. I honesly had no idea until it was proper too late that the guys in question were "in love" with me. it was awful, as I loved them in my way, but not in the way they wanted.:no: and try as I might, being friends with them still just seemed to make them angry at me, or try and make a pass. at which point I would have to try the avoidance thing.
    I hated it, because they were great guys (thats why we were friends!) but I just didnt feel that was y about them, nor did I give them (to my mind) any indication that I did. I tried to go with it all with one guy, questioning you know, that he was so great, I was sure I wold grow to feel that way. that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and has lead to all sorts of awful things.
  • SkiveSkive Posts: 15,282 Skive's The Limit
    Guys, if you act like a friend with her that's all she'll ever be!

    Not necessarily but your right in that it certainly isn't a good way to go about getting a girl.
    Weekender Offender 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    write a letter and tell him exactly how you feel about it and that you are happily married and the feeling is never likely to change, and if you really want to, tell him that you feel he's ruined your friendship
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stitty415 wrote: »
    basicly love, the thing about male and female friendship is that all men with the exception of gays are thinkin about sex, wether they admit it or not, wether they know it or not is a different matter. for example when a guy meets up with an ex who is just a friend now, wil be thinkin, ive got into her before, i could probably do it again, trust me on this. the only exception to the rule is gays as ive already mentioned so dont be fooled!!!

    I dont really believe that cause ive got female FRIENDS who i dont wanna sleep with,but then again they are ugly lol so thats probable why.
  • SkiveSkive Posts: 15,282 Skive's The Limit
    cassidy04 wrote: »
    I dont really believe that cause ive got female FRIENDS who i dont wanna sleep with,but then again they are ugly lol so thats probable why.

    Nice mae :twat:.

    I habe some seriously good lookiing female freinds but the friendship aint complicated. Friends befoe objects of affection. Always.
    Weekender Offender 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Skive wrote: »
    Nice mae :twat:.

    I habe some seriously good lookiing female freinds but the friendship aint complicated. Friends befoe objects of affection. Always.

    Indeed, same here :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    UPDATE: I now have a fully-fledged stalker, I think...

    Went out last night as friends were launching their album. Was in a bar I NEVER go to, one me and Mr X always used to point and laugh at to be honest. But the band got a good food/drink/hire deal and so it was. Anyway we went along, Stephen (husband) went home early as there was a huge fuck-up with the sound and he'd only asked his brother to babysit for an hour. Stayed there with mates, waiting, drinking etc. Suddenly I spotted HIM out the window in the smoking area. I felt sick, really filled with dread you know. I could be a paranoid freak but I was blathering about this event on Facebook (where we are still friends, or were until today) and I think he came along on purpose. He doesn't know the band, has never wanted to come and see them with me before etc etc.

    I pretended not to see him, but he waited a bit and then did the faux surprise "oh my god what are YOU doing here?" thing. I was feeling pretty ill about the whole situation at this point but was polite etc. They played the album, we moved on (to even crapper bar) and he was there. Alone, might I add! What a fruitcake. Anyway I got a bit drunk after two pints (always do, these days) and upset about it. My friend went over on the pretext of asking whether he was a fan of his band, had come down to see them etc and he was bullshitting about how he was just out for a couple... waiting for someone etc. Came to the end of the night and he was still there just watching. Fucking weird, it really made me feel bad.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just in case you need a 2nd opinion id say he is stalking you,sounds a right fruit cake,id cut all ties cause it looks likes being friends aint gonna work,as for trying to be polite if i was you id tell him to f uck off cause he doesnt seem to be hearing it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tricky situation.

    did you had a real fall-out? or did you talk to him about that? Like telling him, it's better not to see each other anymore? If that's the case, yea, it's weird that he still comes out, just to see you, on the other hand, well, I don't know, I just don't see how he did anything really dreadful. It IS bugging you, as one can read out of your feelings or paranoia, illness and uneasiness, so I guess there is no helping it, to just tell that old chap, to better stay out your way. You don't care if you do him injustice, but it's just that you can't handle it at the mo and as someone who respects you, should accept that.

    I mean, if he left graffiti love-notes on your front door, sent you nudie pics of him, or anything like that, I - and everyone else on this planet - would be on your side, but at the moment I just feel, he does not even know, he's going against your streak.

    Of course it IS a problem, if you feel mentally and physically stressed, because of him, but there is nothing yet to - for example - have an restraining order on him.

    Try to talk to him?
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