If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
Bullemia, and the definition of being a good friend
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Back in october my best friend admited to three of us she was making herself sick. She hates what she sees in the mirror, feels fat and made herself sick to control her weight.
During the aftermath of that night, we swore we would hold her confidence until she started seeing her therapis, where she promised she would tell him. As things progressed it was evident she never told anyone in the health profession about her illness. She's always been in and out of hospital and doctors have never found the true cause of her ulcers, kidney problems etc.
Last week when she was taken in to hospital myself and another friend went to her parents' house and told them, your daughter has an eating disorder and you need to tell her doctors. We can't help her, she's still been doing it and we've noticed her hair falling out, teeth rotting and skin breaking out. Hair down the toilet. Everything.
This evening she's texted me demanding to know who the hell I think I am, betraying her trust.
Help. I didn't think I was being a shit friend when we reported it, all I could think was "my friend could be dead in less than a year".
During the aftermath of that night, we swore we would hold her confidence until she started seeing her therapis, where she promised she would tell him. As things progressed it was evident she never told anyone in the health profession about her illness. She's always been in and out of hospital and doctors have never found the true cause of her ulcers, kidney problems etc.
Last week when she was taken in to hospital myself and another friend went to her parents' house and told them, your daughter has an eating disorder and you need to tell her doctors. We can't help her, she's still been doing it and we've noticed her hair falling out, teeth rotting and skin breaking out. Hair down the toilet. Everything.
This evening she's texted me demanding to know who the hell I think I am, betraying her trust.
Help. I didn't think I was being a shit friend when we reported it, all I could think was "my friend could be dead in less than a year".
0
Comments
Unfortunately I'm not the world's greatest sympathiser with eating disorders, and she's getting my honest opinion, mainly "stop being so selfish, if you don't want to talk to ANY of your friends again, fine. But thank God you haven't passed away and I've kept your fucking confidence"
I was in a very similar situation about 6 years ago, except not only did she feel I betrayed her, but her parents decided it was somehow my fault.
I now get on brilliantly with her and her parents, and she has even at times thanked me for being the example that made her finally click that there was a problem.
Take care of yourself.
Im sure shell come round and see that you had her best interest at heart.
i have sympothy for people with eating dissorders, but not people who are very selfish, i also agree that if she decides not to talk to you than fine, but believe me one day she will be begging you back!
i guess no one knows how you feel unless your the person with the dissorder but dont feel bad... you did the right thing
As for people with eating disorders being selfish, I wouldn't say that. It's more than possible that they'll respond badly to something they don't want to hear, much like you would with other conditions. It's understandable, but ultimately destructive behaviour.
http://www.b-eat.co.uk Used to be the eating disorders association, are great people and have some really good info if you want to look at any of it.
That doesn't mean she'll ever forgive you, but that's better than you never forgiving yourself.
I hope things work out OK, but even if they don't, I think you did the right thing
A friend of mine had two issues: self-harming and bulimia. She almost beat SH with the help of counsellings, but her bulimia is as strong as ever and nobody can help her there. I offered my help, so she could talk to me about it, or any other kind of support, but she kind of declined, saying she did not want to pull me in there. She just wanted to talk with other people suffering from bulimia.
I guess as an outstanding person there is very little you can do, as those people tend to not want your help or think they can't be helped. She was a relatively new friend, so it wasn't like I had a lot of influence on her either.
In my case it was 'easier', since she was already in therapy.
What I think what I've done when that happened to a close friend of mine:
I'd appeal to them to get help. Offer to talk, not make it easy to them to 'avoid' me. Offer to go to counselling-sessions with them, etc etc. but would never force them, or never tell anyone other who has more power over them. I pretty much have influence over many of my friends (one broke a semi-hard drug addiction in like one week, because I told him I was not ok with that.), but there are boundaries. I can only influence them, not force them...
I agree with all this. Being a good friend and being liked by your friend are not always the same thing. Just because it's gone down like a lead balloon with your mate doesn't mean that you're a shit friend. You've tried playing the supportive mate, and obviously that hasn't worked, so you did everything you could.
I know there's been controversy in this thread about what I'm going to say, but people with EDs are selfish, and they're singleminded, because the disorder makes them that way. It affects your mind, and it affects your personality, and turns you into a person on a mission. It isn't your mate talking to you when she's accusing you of stuff, it's the ED.
From experience, it's usually the things you hate most at the time that help you the most when you're in the grip of something like this. What motivation do you have to get better if it's all happy and lovely and 'I'll be there for you'? What you have done is force her hand, and she'll hate it now, but if she gets better, she'll understand why you did it, and she'll thank you.
:yes:
Someone saved my brothers life by telling us he had taken an OD. (He told them over the internet). He was none too pleased with her in the short term but made up a few weeks later.
The worst case would be like that ripper online years ago, where he took an OD and people egged him on to take drugs and then didn't call the police because they panicked - he was found dead in his room.
It's a horrible position to put you in but sometimes you do need to act for the good of someone even if it's not what they want you to do.
I'd personally beg to differ on that one. It might not be a fantastic thing for a friendship in the very short term, but ultimately it can be what is needed.
i dont think its particularly selfish to have an ED any more than any other other mental health problem, but as a friend, if you care about someone then you can listen and be supportive, but if theyre rapidly going downhill and its got to that stage then its time for an intervention
your friend can't help the way she is, because she has an illness, a terrible illness which has taken over her life. she might appear selfish, she might appear self-obsessed and she might act like she doesn't care, but it is her illness talking. the bulimic version of her is not the true her.
the others are right, she might hate you forever. but if you'd have done nothing and she'd have died, you'd hate yourself forever. you can get away from her, but you can't get away from yourself. you did the right thing, and one day she will realise that. breaking confidences is never an ideal, but in this case it was for her safety.
Yes. But being ill and being selfish are not exclusive of each other.
Most disorders are inherently selfish things. Largely it is forced upon the person by the illness, as Kaffrin said, but also the very nature of most disorders is that it is entirely focused around the "self". How can I be thinner? If I do this then people will like me, If I do that, then I will punish myself for the bad things I have done. It's not external. It's not about other people.