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Should I stay or should I go?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
:confused:

I'm so mixed up at the minute. I can't think straight really as to what I want. I don't know if I want to still be in this relationship or not. I keep weighing up the benefits and cons and still come out not sure. I guess one of the warning flags would be though that they're all mainly negative. Benefits of leaving: no more hassle, stress. Benefits of staying: no stress of leaving.

How do you manage to get everything in perspective? It's not one of those things you can do lightly, once you've left you can't go back. We've been having a tough time anyway because of personal issues affecting each of us. So many thoughts on the matter, then I think maybe I should leave but then have a flash of how is she going to cope? I think part of the stress is the last 12 months or so she's become so paranoid of being a bad girlfriend she just does everything for me like a lifeless zombie. I'd told her to stop and be herself but 'making me happy' is what makes her happy, according to her.

She's so dependent on me for her happiness and her purpose in life it's almost drowning. But when things are good I can believe we're soulmates, the chemistry is just perfect. It's just these days, the bad times are longer and the good times shorter :(

I know none of you can tell me what to do one way or the other but I need some way of getting this all in perspective so I can think it through clearly and make a decision I won't regret.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you already know what you need to do!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Suzys right. Its not healthy for either of you (IMO) for one of you to be that dependant on the other.
    Getting out will be tough, but it sounds like its v tough staying...
    good luck with whatever u decide.x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Been in the same situation lately. Ended it and feel so much better! I feel free! No one should ever get to the stage where they rely on someone else for their happiness. They need to be happy in themselves and strong by themselves before they can enter a relationship! I know it's hard not to put your partner first, but at the end of the day you will probably end up doing them a favour in the end as well as yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It didn't work first time, not working this time....it's quite obvious.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To the outsider perhaps. Though you must admit there are so many variables that nobody can properly decide except for me whether it's best or not.

    Thing is, I can't work everything through clearly in my head. Maybe I should make a list of all the pros and cons. Or imagine what life would be like in 1 month, 12 months and 3 years if I stay and if I go.

    Part of the problem is the confusion of it all and I can't think straight cos I'm in the situation. You know how it goes. On tuesday I think I was stressed and drank some wine and it was fantastic. First touch of alcohol I've had this term since it's been so busy (it's nearly halfway through term!), and all my stress just melted and I was giggling like a little boy. Albeit, on my own :p playing PC games - but that's a whole other thread (see Will I ever make good friends?).

    So really, although things aren't perfect by some way, life in general atm is a bit tricky, and I don't know if it would be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Cos it may well be that all the extra rubbish that's going on is ruining the relationship for me, not the actual relationship.

    I just want to be able to see clearly and know I'm making the right decision.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    ShyBoy wrote: »

    So really, although things aren't perfect by some way, life in general atm is a bit tricky, and I don't know if it would be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Cos it may well be that all the extra rubbish that's going on is ruining the relationship for me, not the actual relationship.

    I just want to be able to see clearly and know I'm making the right decision.

    Hey ShyBoy,
    I'm really sorry this decision is causing you so much heart ache at the moment. I think you might find the BBC's article Is it over useful.

    While I completely understand where you're coming from in the above quote, one other thing to consider is whether or not if you were happier in other aspects of your life, would you still want to be with your girlfriend, or would you decide you didn't need her around?

    Also, try and remember that if you do decide to end the relationship, it really doesn't negate for a second the good times you have shared or the special connection you've had.

    I think imagining what your life will be like in the future with her is also a good move.

    Hope this helps.
  • TashJTashJ ********* Posts: 79
    Hi ShyBoy,

    There's no easy answer when it come to deciding whether or not you're ready to leave a relationship. Writing a list of pros and cons does work for some people, so if you think it'll help you, give it a go. Other people might try work out what they'd like in an ideal relationship, and see how closely their current relationship matches up to that ideal. Of course, no relationship's perfect, but if there are huge differences, that might give you something to think about. And sometimes whether to stay or go just comes down to a gut feeling that things are coming to their natural end.

    If you?re interested in reading more about the topic, you might want to look up To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay: A step-by-step guide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship. I haven't read it myself, but I have had it recommended to me.

    You've said that your life's a bit tricky in general at the moment - is it the relationship that's making it tricky or is the trickiness getting in the way of your focusing on the relationship? If there are other things in your life that are stressing you out, you might want to hold off on making relationship decisions till things are calmer again. Alternatively, how do you think your girlfriend would respond to the suggestion that you take a break? Sometimes a couple of weeks apart can help you both evaluate how important the relationship is to you.

    Hope things become clearer for you soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're having this level of doubt about the relationship, that would suggest strongly to me that it is not one with a future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm looking at it from her side now.

    He breaks off with her, she goes crying "men are b******s, I did everything for him and he went and left me".

    I'm not sure that leaving her is necessarily the right thing to do. You would leave her broken anyway and I don't think that's a nice thing to do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    If you're having this level of doubt about the relationship, that would suggest strongly to me that it is not one with a future.

    This is what I think as well.
    She's so dependent on me for her happiness

    This really isn't healthy. (and yes, I learnt this the hard way)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You would leave her broken anyway and I don't think that's a nice thing to do.

    So following your logic nobody should ever break up unless it's a perfectly mutual decision, in case it hurts the other person?

    Of course it'll hurt her, but for her well-being and self-respect she's got to realise that a relationship is fundamentally a friendship between two individuals, not some utopian melding of souls. And she's lost sight of herself as an individual.

    For both of your sakes, I'd say end it. Once you're both feeling more solid on your own, who knows, you might end up together again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's depending on you for happiness? What sort of relationship is that? :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Benefits of leaving: no more hassle, stress. Benefits of staying: no stress of leaving." Not doing something because you want to avoid the stress it would entail is no justification for inaction.
    Having someone so dependent on you to the extent you described cannot really benefit either of you; a bf or gf should bring out the best in and complement the other, but not be reliant on them. Maybe to get some perspective you need a breather, and just two weeks apart of no contact, so you can think about things more objectively? You sound like you've had an excellent time with your gf before where you felt a connection/spark, but weigh that up against the smothered, "drowning" feeling you have as well. Hope you will resolve it all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yea this weekend we didn't see each other and I had an awesome weekend lol. I started it off with a party where we drunk 6 bottles of wine between 5 of us. Although the two other guys only had 2 glasses between them as they were on the bud. We just talked, it was really good. After that we all fell sleep, woke up in the morning to find female friend topless (completely) :eek: - I joked about this later as my first female 'contact' for a while, covered with my blanket and fell sleep again, then we top and tailed because it was too cold. Went home and played sims 2 for the rest of the weekend, with mum cooking me food at appropriate intervals :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im now single

    i dont think its sunk in because atm im not feeling anything emotionally, in fact im just a bit hungry. there is a feeling underneath the surface but im not sure what it is. it went really well, talked to her about the reasons and they were partially mutual anyway so goes to show if things don't feel right they may not be. said we're still best friends, which id like to be true but i know for the time being theres no point counting any chickens / other poultry as it's all a bit confusing at the minute. could come up with loads of metaphors but it all boils down to i think the best thing is a bit of time and space to get a clear head and heart and a bit of perspective.

    why do i feel nothing? :confused:

    p.s. consolation / sympathy / whatever words of anything are all appreciated
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    shock - and stick to your guns.
    My friend dumped her bf in november of 3 years who is no good for her (possessive/paranoid etc) but went back to him the next day. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ballerina wrote: »
    shock - and stick to your guns.

    :yes:

    When I finished my last relationship it had downward sprillad like yours for quite a few months before we split up. When it did happen it took me a while to start processing any of the emotions behind it.

    As you said time and space and you will work through things.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    ShyBoy wrote: »

    why do i feel nothing? :confused:

    :yes: I agree with Ballerina and purplebutterfly - it's shock. You may recognise some of the feelings in this true life story about a break up.

    This is a really brave move shyboy, don't forget that. You may well go through a wave of emotions over the next few weeks, but as Ballerina said, stick to your guns. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks so much all for your replies. ATM I'm doing well, feels like a lot of pressure is off my shoulders. At uni not told any of my mates yet, don't really know how to bring up the subject. But I've never told any of them about my dad, either, so I guess I don't divulge extremely personal info with them. Just talk to them about 'uni stuff'.

    Friends back home, texted them and got a text back saying 'really?! :D:D' which was really weird. They know I've been having a few issues and I reckon their opinion was that I would be better off single - which may be true - still, it wasn't a 7 day relationship, would have been nice to have had a bit of tact. I'm not annoyed at them at all though, just I'm feeling like I need a sensitive heart to heart chat, closure or something?

    So that's why I appreciate the comments, because atm I really want to talk about this, but I've got no-one to talk about this to. In a somewhat deliberate move I changed my facebook status and hopefully my friends at uni will pick up. Tried getting in touch with some other online friends too but no luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think youre having a "lack of feelings" about it as in not feeling what you think you should be feeling, because you processed a lot of it in your head before the actual breakup.
    Like a shock bereavement for example, is usually going to be more of a rollercoaster emotional ride than a bereavement you knew had been coming for a long time and was almost a relief.

    It doesnt mean you never cared, it just probably means its gone past that stage before the deed was even done.

    I think you put a hell of a lot into that relationship and really tried to make it work against the odds, so just try and appreciate the fact that its actually gone smoother than you were expecting emotionally.

    Id agree about sticking to your guns too. I hope this isnt one of those yoyo relationships that just ends up sapping your strength for years.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks suzy. Who knows, I guess it could make sense because I did think before it was inevitable because I had done everything I could to try to help her. This was always a last resort. I think it's the right choice for both of us though, we're both... more 'contented'. Less stress. We're still talking. And it's not the whole getting confused and still doing things, it's just talking like good friends.

    But it's early days. I'm just hoping I find a friend soon who wants to talk to me about my feelings :p.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't stay 'friends' with her tbh. Cut contact for a while to let things settle. It usually ends up falling back because of the emotional rollercoaster.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ballerina wrote: »
    I wouldn't stay 'friends' with her tbh. Cut contact for a while to let things settle. It usually ends up falling back because of the emotional rollercoaster.

    I agree. Have a break from contact for a while to let things settle or you could too easily slip back into being in a relationship. After a while, it might be just a few weeks or longer, maybe start to think about getting in touch with her and see if you can still be mates :)

    As for now, go out and have some fun while you're single ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We can't avoid each other anyway since we have lectures together, and things are cordial at the moment. I'm just looking forward to being home for easter and spending some time with the other Mrs, a certain 600 cubic centimetre screaming beauty ;).

    In other news, I've just been told that my eye is completely fine, the reason I am losing vision is pressure on the visual cortex. Most likely a migraine but I don't fit the symptoms 100%, but 'extremely unlikely' it's going to be a growth since I'm a young 20 year old guy. Said monitor it for the time being but go see a neurologist if it gets more frequent or worse. Also, the reason I struggle hearing is mucus in my middle ear :) apparently, so he's given me some anti-histamines. So yea, I'm fine and dandy :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    We can't avoid each other anyway since we have lectures together, and things are cordial at the moment. I'm just looking forward to being home for easter and spending some time with the other Mrs, a certain 600 cubic centimetre screaming beauty ;).

    In other news, I've just been told that my eye is completely fine, the reason I am losing vision is pressure on the visual cortex. Most likely a migraine but I don't fit the symptoms 100%, but 'extremely unlikely' it's going to be a growth since I'm a young 20 year old guy. Said monitor it for the time being but go see a neurologist if it gets more frequent or worse. Also, the reason I struggle hearing is mucus in my middle ear :) apparently, so he's given me some anti-histamines. So yea, I'm fine and dandy :)


    Glad things are looking up for you :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    bleugh, sister and mum found out from facebook. i was kind of hoping I could just not tell people for a while :p because whilst i want a sympathetic ear, my mum and sister both phoned immediately in shock and horror. i dunno, you ever been 'ok' until people look really traumatised and say 'are you ok? :('.

    in other news, im having scampi and chips :yum: may have a few drinks tonight with my kitchenmates...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I keep thinking of the clash when I see this thread....

    Anyway, As other posters have said, now you've split, cut contact, it will be hard but it will be better for you in the long run.

    feel better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been in a situation like this...& I was the one who had their heart broken.....but in all honesty, the best thing for you to do is to take time out so that u can rediscover yourself. & who says that if u were meant to be together then u won't end up being together at some point in the future?!
    Even if you dont end up being together, then you can make the best of a bad situation & still be friends. It worked for me & I couldnt imagine not having my ex as one of my best friends. But saying that, i think you should definately leave the relationship, however hard it is & concentrate on you. From reading your messages it sounds like you are already on the right path - spending quality time with your friends, which after a period of time starts to happen less frequently when you're with someone.
    Anyway, I hope that my advice helps a little. Good Luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ignore the above post, I dont kno how to delete it & now i feel like an absolute fool for not reading BOTH pages of the thread....now its blatantly obvious that im a newb - shame on me!!!
    Well as i said in my last post which isnt meant to be ther :) I'm still friends with my ex, but it aint easy I tell you at the start, coz u'll feel a hell of alot of different emotions....& when someone else comes onto the scene, for either of you its gunna be hard.
    But if u want any advice am here so u can message me. :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really enjoying just going solo atm. No commitments and no emotions and everything. No complications.

    The main thing is the isolation, although I suppose that's just part of being single that you spend a good deal of your time on your own.
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