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emotional blackmail

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
To cut a long story short, I want to break up with my boyfriend but he says he will kill himself if I leave him. Now I would take this lightly, if it werent for the fact that before we started going out, he tried to kill himself twice.. with me picking up the pieces. Now, he is convinced that I am his only reason to live and if he doesnt have me he has no reason to live. I have allot of good reasons for wanting to break up this relationship, but he cant accept them, and everytime I try to talk to him it ends like this, with me begging him not to hurt himself, and saying that I wont leave him. I cant keep doing this, but I cant let him hurt himself.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone have any advice? Im really stuck... Thanks..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Precious Bane - unfortunately I have been in a very, if not indentical situation. A guy I was with (for about three years) kept threatning to kill himself if I left him - and I did believe him, so I stayed in the relationship to keep him happy. Eventually I was worn down. When you're in a relationship you have no desire to be in, there will come a time when you simply cannot pretend anymore. In the end I made the decision (and stuck with) to finish with him. I realised I couldn't make everyone happy, but if I was going to try, I'd at least try to make myself happy first. I finished with him and true to his word he tried to kill himself.

    Sure this affected me, I felt like it was my fault. But I couldn't keep living a lie. I didn't want to be with someone who threatend me, even if it wasn't phsyical harm to myself. He had a whole history on depression and after his attempt, he went on anti-depressants. Maybe it's not such a bad thing.

    The point is, if you're unhappy with any aspect of your life, change it. Other wise five years down the line you are going to regret it. It must be really hard for you especially if some part of you still cares for him, but ultimately, he's an adult and is responsible for his own actions. Don't let him make you feel that way, after all you are in control of your own life, or at least should be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been in this situation more than once, first time i was going on a holiday where my gf at the time said that if i went she'd kill herself. By this stage in the relationship, i'd had it with her and her constant emotional guilt tripping bullying and I knew she wouldnt do it, So i jsut told her to leave me alone and wise up.

    Like TC said, if theres something in your life you dont like, you should change it. Obviously, dont go about it the way i did, I'd advise you do it verry gently, tell him you just dont have the time or will power to give him the commitment he deserves but you are willing to be his mate and while this is said a lot and you are rarely ever friend with your ex's, you should probably actually do it and like go with him to the movies etc, do everything you normally would minus the relationship.

    However, that might not be practical for you but it's what i would do.

    If you really think he is a serious danger to himself, you could always seek professional medical advice.

    Main part: Just make sure you are there for him if you do break it off and if you think you'll ride it out until he's happier, then do that. He might be feeling that if you break it off with him, he'll never hear a peep from you, and that might frighten him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    pff.. I keep losing faith in humanity. Suicide blackmailers? give me a break...

    I feel sorry for all of you, for having been in such a situation, (un)fortunately I don't have any first hand experience with that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was kinda at one point in the reverse situation. I never actual said I'll kill myself if you split up with me, more the "I can't cope without you" line. But the whole suicide thought did go through my own mind. I had met him at a point where I had no self respect, no self believe, didn't give a shit about my life and probably if he hadn't come along when he did I wouldn't be here today. But because of how he'd been I also had no independence and felt that if he left my whole world would collapse around me and go back to what it was before him.

    He'd had enough of my clinginess, needy ways, etc and I really don't blame him. I was a nightmare at the time and I'm amazed he stuck around as long as he did (also amazed that he took me back last year, even if he is now nursing a broken heart cos of me). When he finally took the plunge and split up with me he did it without giving me any reasons and so on (looking back I think they're fairly obvious, even though he still to this day won't discuss it), which hurt like hell, but also showed me just how strong I had become and how able to stand on my own two feet I was. Tbh was the best thing he ever could have done for me at the time and since then I've just grown on that and now 3 years on, I am probably the happiest I've been in life since I was about 9.

    I'm not trying to say that they're empty threats he's making, or that he'll feel differently like I did when you split up with him. But you've got to realise that any relationship where you're constantly being someones rock isn't healthy for either of you and you really do need to get out and put some distance between you....no keeping in touch or it will just make it harder.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blackmail should not be tolerated in any relationship. I think you know what I imply with that.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey, really sorry to hear you're going through this difficult situation.

    I really agree with the following:
    Kazbo wrote: »
    any relationship where you're constantly being someones rock isn't healthy for either of you and you really do need to get out and put some distance between you

    TheSite's article on leaving a controlling partner has first hand tips from a young woman who has been in a similar situation to you - I hope it helps. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he has tried to kill himself in the past then others will be aware that there are times when he needs support. Can you speak to his family and/or close friends to let them know your intentions? Perhaps have a date in mind when you intend to draw a close to this so other people in his life know when to offer help, then you won't feel as if the responsibility is entirely on your shoulders.


    Be kind, but be firm. I hope everything goes okay.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kazbo wrote: »
    I was kinda at one point in the reverse situation. I never actual said I'll kill myself if you split up with me, more the "I can't cope without you" line. But the whole suicide thought did go through my own mind. I had met him at a point where I had no self respect, no self believe, didn't give a shit about my life and probably if he hadn't come along when he did I wouldn't be here today. But because of how he'd been I also had no independence and felt that if he left my whole world would collapse around me and go back to what it was before him.

    He'd had enough of my clinginess, needy ways, etc and I really don't blame him. I was a nightmare at the time and I'm amazed he stuck around as long as he did (also amazed that he took me back last year, even if he is now nursing a broken heart cos of me). When he finally took the plunge and split up with me he did it without giving me any reasons and so on (looking back I think they're fairly obvious, even though he still to this day won't discuss it), which hurt like hell, but also showed me just how strong I had become and how able to stand on my own two feet I was. Tbh was the best thing he ever could have done for me at the time and since then I've just grown on that and now 3 years on, I am probably the happiest I've been in life since I was about 9.

    I'm not trying to say that they're empty threats he's making, or that he'll feel differently like I did when you split up with him. But you've got to realise that any relationship where you're constantly being someones rock isn't healthy for either of you and you really do need to get out and put some distance between you....no keeping in touch or it will just make it harder.

    Oh, God that just how I was in my old relationship, and I thought I was the only one like that...
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