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just blah

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Another one of these moany threads from me again. I returned to uni yesterday night and now feel terrible. There is something about uni life apparently 'the time of your life' that doesn't fit easy with me. This is going to sound self obsessed but believe me I'm not.

Being here just makes me feel so small and insignificant. I could be sitting in a lecture or someone's kitchen or on the bus going back to uni thinking..what is the point. Another reason for my 'blank moments' seem to be that I guess I am recovering from depression. I stopped taking the meds myself out of choice a while ago and have been doing fine without them. It's so hard to speak to people about this. My mum would rather not hear it. It isn't because she doesn't care it's because I've dropped out of things so many times and she really has her heart on me getting through university. My boyfriend puts it down to me not exactly clicking with the people that I live with and I can't tell my two uni friends without scaring them because we've decided to get a house together next year. I don't want to be selfish.

I don't want to go downhill and end up in hospital again. I'm just scared. People say that uni isn't for anyone..maybe I'm not one of these people?? Now a confusing bit, it is actually an ambition to get through university. I don't particularly care about the results at the end of it. I just want to have been there
Yet I find myself counting the days till the holiday. When we went on Christmas break I was relieved. I thought I was going to crack. But now I'm back again.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe you went to uni for the wrong reasons?

    Last year I chose to do Maths cos I was good at it. But I didn't enjoy it, I didn't make any friends, and I felt like you do now. I stopped going out, literally locking myself in my rooms for days on end, only leaving to get some ready meals. Isolated from the world, put in accomodation designed for nursing students, so I didn't see anyone anyway.

    I decided to change course, tutor tried to talk me out of it but I said no. Started this new course, not sure all the time - but at times I simply love it. It just turns me on. I get excited about learning and don't shut the fuck up about empowerment or some other random concept. Just the change of course has made the world of difference for me. I still ahven't made any best friends, but that will come with time - it's important to get the basics right I feel.

    If you're feeling miserable, talk to some people at your uni. It's not selfish, you've got to get these feelings off your chest to get along. No person is an island after all, and anxiety and feeling like you don't fit in are natural feelings at university. The student support network run by the university is there for you, or just have a good cup of tea and cry with your friends. You'd be suprised how tolerant people are of you having a good moan :) I was always terrified if I was less than 'perfect' people would see me as someone with a lot of emotional baggage who wasn't worth it.

    Quite nice, because everyone I've spoken to has been through exactly the same feelings as me at different points. EVERYONE I've spoken to isn't sure if uni is right for them, but it's such a different environment it does take some time to get used to.

    My only useful advice other than get it off your chest, would be to try to have a positive mental attitude. You do seem to 'dread' university, so you've attatched a negative connection to it already. This is preventing you from having a good time, so somehow you need to associate Uni with good things, not pressure.

    You're not doing it for your mum, you're doing it for you :)

    I've been through the same feelings, it got so bad I considered running away :blush: but you just have to soldier through. At the end of the day though, if Uni isn't for you then why put yourself through it? You could be much happier doing distance learning, a part time degree, vocational work, and so on.

    Hope you're ok, best of luck xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for replying shyboy,

    you are right about me associating uni with negative feelings..it's irrational but as the days crept up to the 'return back to uni' i felt dread and doom! i know my course is right even if sometimes i do feel like a right thicko. i couldnt imagine studying anything other than english lit. sometimes it just feels like a big rat race and i dont mean to go all political but it's just a big institution with everyone thriving for the same thing whilst being catagorised by everyone else as bums or party animals and then you progress to one of those respectable jobs full of respectable people and no one would give a shit about what you went through at uni :( ahh

    i dont think i can cry in front of people. i spoke to my boyfriend tonight on the phone and felt myself welling up so had to change the subject. i think crying feels like an admittance and evidence of not being able to get through something as natural as going to uni yet again. i just feel weak.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think a lot of people do though, I think you're denying yourself the right to feel uneasy about University - you don't want to let your mum down, or yourself - you want to achieve University, it's a big milestone for you. But in doing so perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself? Maybe if you learnt to 'let your hair down a bit', still do the work of course but start to settle in a bit more and not feel guilty about not understanding bits?

    I know about being categorised as bums, doing Management I'm not doing a proper course, as everyone likes to inform me ;). God forbid if I had gone somewhere with a lesser reputation, I don't think people realise that Uni is pretty difficult.

    I think you would benefit from at least having a chat with one of the student support guys. If it's quite serious they could refer you to a counsellor who could even in extreme cases refer you to a therapist - something like CBT may help (something I've looked at in the past for my anxiety and been recommended by channel 4's researchers, and also my girlfriend is looking at it now for her socio-phobia I guess you could call it).

    But that's a long way down the path, you may get a lot of benefit and reassurance from talking to a counsellor or other students and realising that these feelings aren't unusual and they're nothing to feel like a failure about. Everyone - your friends, your university, your family and your boyfriend will just want what's best for you :) and to help you get through. If they don't know you're finding it difficult... what can they do?

    Hope all goes well! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mm i am having cbt at the moment and have talked about it with my therapist and she doesnt want me to make any rash decisions, i am trying to open up to people about it but at the same time as allowing myself to think about this i can feel myself getting deeper and deeper into the trap of 'depression'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    un imakes me want to climb the nearest building and jump off it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how come? are you at uni now? sorry you dont have to expand just interested as i have the same feelings!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    un imakes me want to climb the nearest building and jump off it.

    Why's that? I quite enjoy it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate the way Ihave to sit around in groups of people I don't want to know, discussing my ideas and project with them, a project I don't give a fuck about and ideas I'm forcing out of myself like a pebble shit when you're constipated.

    I hate that my lecturers are all mysogynistic pricks who, well fuck 'em.

    I hate that every year I register at the library they tell me I have a fine from 2003 that hasn't been paid and that I have to pay it to use the library. I hate that the librarians won't accept their own fuckinf receipts as proof that I've paid that fucking fine more than fucking once.

    I hate that it's all so fucking pointless.

    I hate that there are so many people there whose skill is 'fitting in with the system' and that's waht seems to be most valued.

    I hate that I can't just watch movies, read books and write essays (yes, I'm on the wrong course!)

    I hate that the grade you get is never proportional to the amount of time effort and research you did, it just seems totally fucking random where a bag of shit essay you wrote pissed as a fart gets an A and some work you spent a solid 13 weeks on gets a C.

    I could go on...

    lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate that I get 1/6th docked off my mark for missing a lecture when I HAD WHIPLASH COZ SOME CUNT DROVE INTO THE SIDE OF MY CAR AND WROTE IT OFF but my lecturer doesn't give me an extra 1/6th when I turn up and he just hasn't bothered.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I love that the gym is cheap
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    I hate the way Ihave to sit around in groups of people I don't want to know, discussing my ideas and project with them, a project I don't give a fuck about and ideas I'm forcing out of myself like a pebble shit when you're constipated.

    I hate that my lecturers are all mysogynistic pricks who, well fuck 'em.

    I hate that every year I register at the library they tell me I have a fine from 2003 that hasn't been paid and that I have to pay it to use the library. I hate that the librarians won't accept their own fuckinf receipts as proof that I've paid that fucking fine more than fucking once.

    I hate that it's all so fucking pointless.

    I hate that there are so many people there whose skill is 'fitting in with the system' and that's waht seems to be most valued.

    I hate that I can't just watch movies, read books and write essays (yes, I'm on the wrong course!)

    I hate that the grade you get is never proportional to the amount of time effort and research you did, it just seems totally fucking random where a bag of shit essay you wrote pissed as a fart gets an A and some work you spent a solid 13 weeks on gets a C.

    I could go on...

    lol

    That's fair enough then! Out of interest what course are you doing? I'm sure once it's over and done with it will hopefully have been worth it for you. You just have to stick at it. Time goes surprisingly fast so I'm sure you'll have graduated before you know it :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a fair few years left, am part-time, have to hold down a job and look after my daughter too so... Someone shoot me now! lol

    I'm doing Digital Media. It sucks big donkey balls. They weren't offering film studies before. They are now. I am trying to switch. w00t.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok im copying you

    i hate feeling like an anonymous number
    i hate being part of the rat race
    i hate living with people i don't know
    i hate not reading books for the fun of it
    i hate the rushing around
    i hate the rude librarians who seem to think i want to blow up the library
    i hate students that love the sound of their own voice
    i hate being a first year
    i hate getting my essays ripped to pieces
    i hate having a format for an essay
    i hate squeezing the life out of poetry until i find something that looks substandial that i can blag in an essay
    i hate hearing about how hard degrees are
    i hate going to the library and seeing other students stressed out
    i hate that i get judged
    i hate being with eighteen year olds
    i hate students that party
    i hate being cold because of the lack of heating
    i hate having no hot water and being too scared to do anything about it
    i hate feeling like i can't cope
    i hate being scared to go to the kitchen by myself
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm I'll join in too then although I don't think there are too many things to moan about but here goes:
    • I hate having to walk 20 minutes there and back to get to university
    • I hate having to get up sometimes 3 hours before to get to university (although that's my fault for living at home)
    • I hate that you have one hours gaps and once you've walked to the library and back it's nearly time for the next lecture by the time you've read what's needed

    That's all I can think of and that's just me being lazy :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and now you need just one little thing that you love about uni...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    and now you need just one little thing that you love about uni...

    That hopefully all the hard work will pay off and I will end up with the job that I want :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    and now you need just one little thing that you love about uni...

    learning and the 2 friends i have made
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    learning and the 2 friends i have made

    You have the 2 most important things then :) Keep at it and don't give up!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael,

    I felt like you when I first went to Uni last year. I took a gap year and none of my school friends did, they all went straight to Uni... All I heard back from them from the first year they were away was how they were having the time of their life, going out every night, making lifelong friends, etc. So when I went to Uni last year I assumed it would be the same for me too. Not that I haven't enjoyed it so far, I have... It's just I've also had really tough times that no one tells you about when you apply for Uni. I've been incredibly lonely here at times, wondered if I'd done the right thing to spend three years of my life studying here, etc.

    Having said that I'm not trying to discourage you from Uni, just assure you that it's inevitable that other people from your course/in halls will probably be having similiar doubts/concerns to you. There's too much emphasis put on people having the time of their lives at Uni, even though I'm enjoying the experience much more now, that's all it has been for me so far, and I made closer friends, learnt a lot more about life, became more independent with the job I had during my Gap Year. Maybe that will change and I'll look back in a fw years time with a different opinion about Uni life, but it's certainly been a lot more enjoyable/comfortable this year than last. At the end of the day it's your decision whether you stick to something or not. I'm glad I did, as I feel I've only now settled into Uni life halfway through my second year but Uni is not for everyone and I know a heck of a lot of well-rounded, extremely intelligent people who decided not to go to Uni. What I really wanted to say though was that you're not the only one to be thinking things like this and you will certainly find others that feel the same way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :crying: :crying: ok iwant to go home
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Think of the learning you want to do, and the two good friends you've made. What's so good about home anyway, you might get to hide under the duvets for a week but then you'd have to get a job, pay rent, and still live with mummy...
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey, firstly crying isn't an admittance to anything except for the fact that you're feeling upset, vulnerable and are really stressed. That's not something to be ashamed of and it happens to us all. I often wonder why some people cry and others don't, but I can honestly say I have seen no evidence that people who cry are weaker or stronger than those who don't.

    I've been thinking about your list and it looks like there are two different things going on, so I hope you don't mind - but I've split your list into two:

    First list - things that strike me as most important to your progress at uni -and things you can actually change.

    i hate living with people i don't know:

    The good news is that you won't be after this year. It's clearly been really hard for you, but the positive thing is that you will appreciate next year so much more for having gone through this first stage. You will also be stronger and more tolerant for it. Have you started to think about where you are going to live next year? When you start making progress on this and it feels real you will start to get excited about it which should help you through.

    i hate not reading books for the fun of it:

    Could you try and find some short books that you can fit into your other reading time, or some books of short stories. Treat yourself to that kind of thing every now and again and love the fact you don't have to analyse every single damn word! ;)

    i hate squeezing the life out of poetry until i find something that looks substandial that i can blag in an essay

    I actually think that you secretly LOVE this. :p
    But, if it's really getting you down that much then this is definitely something you should talk to a tutor about. If you get to know your tutors well in the first year then it will seriously increase your confidence for the coming years.


    i hate being cold because of the lack of heating

    What's the deal with this?

    i hate having no hot water and being too scared to do anything about it

    Hot water is so important for your wellbeing. Remember your paying good money for your accomodation - taking a small step to get in touch with student services/landlord will empower you no end. Do you have details for a contact?

    i hate feeling like i can't cope

    *hugs* just keep focussed on how far you've come

    i hate being scared to go to the kitchen by myself

    Is this because of your housemates?

    Second list - these relate more to perspective. Your view of things at uni - so you can't change them but you can potentially change how you feel about them.

    i hate being part of the rat race
    i hate the rushing around
    i hate the rude librarians who seem to think i want to blow up the library
    i hate students that love the sound of their own voice
    i hate being a first year
    i hate getting my essays ripped to pieces
    i hate having a format for an essay
    i hate hearing about how hard degrees are
    i hate going to the library and seeing other students stressed out
    i hate that i get judged
    i hate being with eighteen year olds
    i hate students that party
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks so much for ur reply helen, i've felt down and unsure all day and still feel too weird to talk to my two friends about this. the bit about the heating was when i came back it was freezing so i turned my heating upto max and the heating seemed to come in very small dregs.. i have a feeling that hospitality control the heating and the turn dial on the radiator is some sort of evil trick. the heating seems to be constant today but last night i was absolutely freezing.

    the case about the hot water is sometimes ridiculous and something i need to sort out but i find myself putting it off because sometimes it does work well but last night i couldnt even get any hot water to wash my face. also other people dont seem to have this problem so im assuming it must be something im doing wrong.

    im still uncertain about uni and even tho i felt crap today attended my classes and went to student disability to hand in my evidence of dyslexia so i should be getting more support soon. i'm really disappointed in myself because i know that everyone goes through a rough time and suffer because of it but most people seem to have the strength to perservere but i must be really weak cuz i honestly feel like i dont have that inbuilt capability that other people seem to have. this is an example of how daft i am: it was raining so hard today and i almost burst out crying because i was drenched and trying to get to a block but the wind kept pushing me back all the time.

    i dont like going to the kitchen because of my house mates but it's all self-inflicted because they aren't nasty to me or anything. i just feel physically awkward and really stupid. i know that uni is hard but sometimes i dont see the point in struggling with it.

    sorry i keep posting about this on here all the time but there isn't anyone i can really talk to. i could talk to a counsellor here i guess but im already seeing someone for cbt on a seperate issue and i'm just tired and completely used to the intervention that they provide and feel like i should be okay but im not
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think this time of the year is a hard one for first year students. The novelty has worn off, they've come back from a long time at home over the holidays, it's cold, there's work to do, and often stress about where they will live next year.

    I know what you mean about uni sometimes sucking the enjoyment out of things. I started off doing English literature (joint degree) and I didn't like any of the books we did, and hated analysing them to death.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katchika wrote: »
    I think this time of the year is a hard one for first year students. The novelty has worn off, they've come back from a long time at home over the holidays, it's cold, there's work to do, and often stress about where they will live next year.

    I know what you mean about uni sometimes sucking the enjoyment out of things. I started off doing English literature (joint degree) and I didn't like any of the books we did, and hated analysing them to death.

    i feel like giving up
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please go and talk to someone. Personally I did end up dropping out, and then reapplying and going to another uni that September to do a different degree. It wasn't an easy decision to make and sometimes I partially regret it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but if i talk to someone here won't they try and convince me to stay and be biased? realistically i know it would be difficult for me to get a job. on my cv there are gaps and it looks like i have quit everything i have ever tried. im only 21 and have pretty much used up all my options.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you go to student services type people they won't try to make you stay, they will talk you through your options. Have to admit I didn't talk to anyone about leaving but I was so miserable I couldn't bear it anymore.

    Leaving hasn't affected my life in any way though..I don't even put it on my CV now, and when it has come up as an issue, it's never gone against me. You'd be surprised how many people change course/change their mind. You're only 21, you haven't used up all your options at all x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks katchika, i have really..on paper my past looks terrible
    this will probably look like im feeling sorry for myself, i haven't gone into detail but the blank periods were when something particularly terrible happened and i found it hard.

    went to sixth form but stupidly dropped out to move in with a boyfriend
    moved to essex and started a modern apprenticeship working in a petshop
    had to give it up because he wanted to move back to kent
    picked up another modern apprenticeship in admin..this had really good prospects
    dropped it because something bad happened with that boyfriend and broke down
    (big gap of being depressed)
    did odd jobs and volunteering for a year
    started an nvq in beauty therapy and was advised to drop out because i was crap at it
    (dad died..so another complete blank period)
    started an access course and actually completed it
    now uni

    that is supposed to account from the age of 17 up till now (im 21) most of doesn't even fit. the truth is i can hardly remember what i was doing because of all those 'blanks'. i do look like a waste of space on paper and a woman who was interviewing me for a youth programme thing once said that she wouldn't take me on board because i couldn't stick at anything.

    i've taken your advice tho and emailed the counselling service just because i dont think it would look good if i broke down while seeing the careers people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i honestly worry about the list of things you've started and not finished - i've been at two unis and quit both of them but last week got the perfect job for me. i was obviously asked about why i started two courses but didnt finish (in one case i did two years of a course but not the last) and was just completely honest with them and they were absolutely fine about it. seriously, they were so understanding and my reasons weren't even particularly good - i basically decided neither of the courses were what i wanted to do. but now i know what i definitely do want to do and that obviously came across in the interview.

    i think if you can stick this year out you'll be fine next year. first years are always hard but next year you'll be living with people you like which will make you feel more comfortable which in turn should help you enjoy uni life more.

    if you're not sure about the course maybe have a look and see if there is anything you'd want to change to. if its similar to what you're doing there's a good chance you could go into second year.

    but if you really think it isn't for you i'd spend some time thinking about what you do want to do - maybe go to a careers advisor. and then plan exactly how else you could go about doing what you do want to do e.g. maybe you could get a job and work your way up? maybe there are short courses out there etc.

    i also think you're friends would be understanding - maybe dont tell them everything but if they knew you were even a little bit unhappy im sure theyd want to help. they might even feel the same.
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