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Long distance inter race relationship...advice please!!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone... Thanks for reading this. Im so sorry this is so long. Im just so confused... I need someone elses opinion..

Im English, and Ive just returned home after spending a year in Indonesia, where I met a lovely guy whom I am in a relationship with. I plan to return to Indonesia in a few months. And I will do this, because I promised him that I would. But Im not sure that Im doing the right thing..
i really really love him, and hes great, but Im starting to think its not going to work..

He's had a few problems recently, and so is unemployed, and cant get a good job until he finishes college. But, his family dont have any money to pay for his college. So, Im paying for it. Im ok with that. I want to do that for him. But then theres his family. Im giving him pretty much all my monthly wages so that he can support his family and buy them things. Im glad Im helping them. I really am. But Im only twenty. I just dont feel ready for this kind of responsibility. Is this really selfish of me? Im starting to think about all the things that I want to do, all the things that I want to save for but I cant because Im supporting his family.

He wants to get married next year, and I dont want to lose him, but Im not ready for all of this commitment. I know that. But what I dont know is if I should be in a relationship with him at all. Its not just the money, its all the differences in our culture and backgrounds too...for example hes Muslim, Im atheist... I just dont know if i can make all the changes that I need to if I want to be with him. But I do want to be with him.. Am I being selfish? Am i just thinking of myself too much?

I would appreciate anyones opinion. I just really dont know what I should be doing. Thanks again..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you crazy? Not only paying for his college, but his family? Why can his family not support themselves? No offence, but it all sounds really dodgy to me. And the fact that he's awfully keen to get married so quickly just makes it sound far too dodgy to me. There's only one reason people want to get married that quickly, and that's one of those lovely EU visas. Sorry, I'm a cynic, but I know of plenty of international relationships, and none of them burden their partners with that sort of responsibility. If you're happy to do it, and convince he's genuinely gonna stick with you, then go ahead, but I think it's insane. Either way, far too much too soon if you ask me. Talk to him I guess. What would the plan be? Live in England or Indonesia?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ouch, sounds like you are in a tough situation.

    I agree with pp, you are definately NOT being selfish questioning whether or not you should be spending almost all of your money on him and his family, the answer is, no, you shouldn't. Not if you are having any doubts about things at all.

    You really need to talk to him about all these worries that you have, and please please dont rush into anything you dont feel 100% happy about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Am I being completely blind? Do you think he's just using me? I never thought he was... he always seems to feel bad about using my money.. But maybe he is.. oh god I really dont know what to do! I will talk to him, but Im not good at saying no to him, he always has these stories that make me want to give him everything I have! But now that Im away from him... maybe im being really stupid..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeh, sounds like a using scumbag to me. Loads of them, they see Westerners and take any chance they get to get to Europe and scam some money. I mean, what the hell are you doing sending him and his family all your money? Get out now!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you met his family or has he just told you that they aren't very well off?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he may not just be completely using you, but your money could well be a big part of the attraction. Having been living in India for most of the past 2 years, and spending the last 6 months in a tourist area, have seen it happen all too often when Indian guys see western tourists as pretty much only dollar signs and an easy shag, and a real bonus if something more that might lead to a visa comes out of it. Your situation could be different, but you have to know for sure.

    I am blissfully happily married to a great Indian man though, so Im not saying it cant work, or cant be for the right reasons, it just often isn't.

    Have pm'ed you too about this
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's only one reason people want to get married that quickly, and that's one of those lovely EU visas.

    Or the fact that she has money.

    I'm not being rude or anyrthing, but I personally believe that it's not your responsibilty to have to pay for college for him or give him money so he can support his family.

    It does seem like he's just using you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote:
    I'm not being rude or anyrthing, but I personally believe that it's not your responsibilty to have to pay for college for him or give him money so he can support his family.
    ^ Of course it's not her responsibility.

    This 'Muslim' man should know that women are not obliged to work in Islam and the responsibility of supporting the family rests upon the males. That is the culture of Indonesia and indeed any other Muslim majority country.

    The fact that this man is getting support from a female who's not even married or related to him is shameful to say the least in a country like Indonesia. I'm sure his community will berate him for this... or there may be some elements of the community who will praise him for exploiting the silly Westerner.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell this man that you want to settle down with him in Indonesia. Tell him that you've had enough of England and you don't want to go back.

    Then post back in this thread with his reaction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stop sending him money, tell him that you're skint too (which you are!) and see if he still loves and wants to marry you then.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're giving him most of the monthly wages how do you survive? I don't think you're being selfish at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If this guy is for real then as a matter of principle he shouldn't be taking your money, let alone rely on you for financial support, especially in a country like Indonesia.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maggie23 wrote: »
    Am I being completely blind? Do you think he's just using me? I never thought he was... he always seems to feel bad about using my money.. But maybe he is.. oh god I really dont know what to do! I will talk to him, but Im not good at saying no to him, he always has these stories that make me want to give him everything I have! But now that Im away from him... maybe im being really stupid..


    Hmm could be either .. but I've certainly seen on my trips abroad westerners (almost always white women) who go on holiday - meet a lovely guy who works at their hotel - he treats them well, really friendly - brings them home to meet the entire family and see how poorly they live and the next thing you know the girl has bought them a fridge.

    Some people abroad are genuine and really nice but many are scammers too who get jobs in hotels and have a constant flow of westerners who they are overly nice to for tips, etc and they see it as a perk of the job to bag a westerner.

    Last time I went on holiday I could see all these Russian girls in tears saying goodbye to the local hotel guys they'd met on their holiday - God knows how much money the boys had taken off of them.


    People in the west aren't often used to be treated nicely, living in big cities and just being another face in the crowd and then they go to a small place, people take notice of them and treat them special ... well you can fill in the blanks I'm sure
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi... Thanks, everyone for your replies. I think perhaps Ive made him come across as a worser person than he really is. Ive been back in England for about 3 weeks, and I havnt sent him any money. And he hasnt asked for money. He just keeps asking me to go back. When I was in Indonesia I did give him allot of money. But he didnt always ask for money. Well a few times he did, but not for as much as I gave him. But he keeps telling me how hard his life has been, and is, and so i feel obliged to give him money. I feel like if I dont Im being a bad person. And I cant work out whether if I dont want to give him money, I am a bad person. Does that make sense?

    I have been to stay with his family, and yes they have a pretty decent house, but then Ive seen his parents faces when he gives them money to pay bills, buy rice etc, and, well, it breaks my heart!
    He promises me that he'll get a job when he's finished college, and so Im happy to pay for his college, as long as he does get a job..

    I just dont want to believe that hes using me. And so I cant work out if Im being completely stupid or not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Put it this way, you know how dodgy it sounds. Having a LDR is not a problem, sending money is. You just don't know him well enough, so tell him you're not going to send him money anymore and see what he says.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maggie23 wrote: »
    When I was in Indonesia I did give him allot of money. But he didnt always ask for money. Well a few times he did, but not for as much as I gave him. But he keeps telling me how hard his life has been, and is, and so i feel obliged to give him money. I feel like if I dont Im being a bad person. And I cant work out whether if I dont want to give him money, I am a bad person. Does that make sense?


    I just dont want to believe that hes using me. And so I cant work out if Im being completely stupid or not.

    Your not a bad person for not wanting to give him money.It doesnt matter how much he needs the money its not your place to be giving him it,especially when you dont really have it.The fact that he is making you feel obliged to give him cash should be setting off alarm bells,youve gotta remember some people can be manipulative and make you do what they are wanting you to do without actually asking you outright.
    If i was you id watch my back stop giving him money then you will find out for sure if what he feels for you is real or not.
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