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dating a guy who's been on the end of domestic violence
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i've started seeing this lovely guy, and we are getting on really well. But he's just come out of a violent relationship were his girlfriend used to repeatedly beat him up. He's quite down atm, he seems to think it's all his fault, and she cheated on him with a very good mate, which has made things very difficult between him and mates, plus he finds it very difficult to let me take control in the bedroom (which is a little bit frustrating to say the least, seeing as i was once -maybe a little bit still- a wannabe dominatrix).
how can i help him regain his trust in women, and how do i help with how he's feeling, and not get to involved (i.e. not taking on his problems)
how can i help him regain his trust in women, and how do i help with how he's feeling, and not get to involved (i.e. not taking on his problems)
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The aftermath of domestic violence (whether against a woman or man) can be complex, confusing and difficult to cope with. You might find this info, this article, and this organisation helpful.
CB
It will inevitably, and understandably, take time for him to come to terms with what has happened. However, he should consider this. His relationship with the violent partner has now finished. She can't hurt him anymore. And that means that the worst is now in the past. It may not seem like it to him now, but things are going to get better. I know from my "bad years", as I call them, that when you reach a certain low, you cannot go down any further. I'm not suggesting that this has left him suicidal, far from it. But it's understandable if he's feeling low. If this persists over a long time, it may be worth seeing a doctor. What are his circumstances? Does he have many friends? What does he do for a living? If he has enough to do with his days, that can prove useful in helping to move on from a difficult episode in life.
Trust is a difficult thing. Like a skyscraper, it can take years to build up, but it can be knocked down again within minutes. And when it's knocked down, the rubble has to be cleared away before the re-building can begin. That's what he's having to do now - clear away all that rubbish. It could take a long time, but he will do it.
Good luck to you both in your relationship.
but thanks for your replies
well done darling, you have to teach people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.
Now whoop it up as a singleton until you meet someone worthy of ya!
x
You really can be a twat at times, can't you.
Learn something about physically abusive relationships before spouting off this kind of shite. It's people with your attitude which makes it hard for men to be open about the abuse they receive at the hands of women.
"Grow some balls" suggests that he isn't "man" enough. Bollocks.
What you're saying is - when a woman is beaten up senseless by her bloke, she's a victim and he's a monster. And you'd be completely right there. Yet when a man has the shit kicked out of him by his girl, he's suddenly being (apologies in advance for the language here) a big poof? If that's your logic, your mind is seriously warped mind. Regretfully however, I don't expect anything better from a man whose comments on rape cause no end of offence.
Fuck off, twat.
Do you think victims of domestic abuse let their partners attack them?
Well i wouldn't of said i 'let' Brian attack me, but it was easier not to fight back, suffer a few cuts and bruises, and then it would be over.
Mind you, someone close to me used to get a shotgun stuck in his mouth. You pretty much let anyone do anything when you're in that situation.