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Are men attracted to unassertive women?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Do you think that blokes in general prefer an unassertive woman who shuts up, does the dishes, looks after the kids, and has no opinion of her own, or do you think that times have changed? In other words, no matter what the standpoint of the bloke on what he feels is right (i.e. equality and all that jazz), do you think that the majority of blokes, at the end of the day are more attracted to a woman who displays all of the usual unassertive wife/traditional gender qualities?

My opinion is that in terms of just being up for something casual, most men would be into women who are outgoing, chatty, and a bit provocative. Particularly men who don't like making the first move, if only to avoid having to. But I think in terms of serious relationship material, most men in general still prefer the quieter, shy types, and dare I say it, girls with low self esteem, or girls that they consider "below" them in other aspects (relying on them for money, for example). I'm not saying that men are twats or anything like that, but I reckon most are instinctively attracted to this. I also think men are more easily intimidated by someone they consider to be above them, (be it looks, intelligence or social status) whereas I think women are more likely to be attracted by these qualities.

What does everyone else think? Are you an opinionated, mouthy bitch, who blokes just think is up for a laugh, then run a mile when you try to get serious? Or are you a poor, downtrodden girl who blokes fall in love with at the drop of a hat, and want to take care of you? If so, come forward and you'll prove my theory. If you're a beautiful, rich girl who most blokes are too afraid to approach, just drop me a PM instead. :p

Oh, and before anyone comes out with the usual "not all blokes are the same," there, I've already said it. Can we get back to generalising now please? :D

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why have you put "unassertive wife" and "traditional gender qualities" together?

    Who says being traditional means being a bit of a doormat?

    Haven't you ever seen "The Waltons" .. all the wives in that were very traditional but far from being unassertive.

    You make it should like there's only loud women and quiet women and nothing in between.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    DG wrote: »
    Why have you put "unassertive wife" and "traditional gender qualities" together?

    Who says being traditional means being a bit of a doormat?

    Haven't you ever seen "The Waltons" .. all the wives in that were very traditional but far from being unassertive.

    You make it should like there's only loud women and quiet women and nothing in between.

    Yeah I would think that a woman who runs the home (cooks, cleans etc) is actually a very assertive and runs the man too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    everybody seems to think im the kind of girl who needs looking after (even my female friends seem to feel the need to take care of me...) and i have far more men interested in me than my friends who are more obviously able to look after themselves.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, interesting topic. My ex-boyfriend was a little intimidated by me, but he had quite a lot of issues with his self-esteem, so it wasn't too surprising. My boyfriend quite likes my assertiveness (he comes from a family of wild women :D ), but I suppose assertiveness can come in many flavours. He certainly doesn't complain about it in the bedroom, nor when I'm piping up during a meal where the service is lousy etc. I think the only thing he found a bit different at first compared to other girls he had been out with was that I was very vocal about the fact I'm a feminist, and he's a stubborn sod sometimes, so whenever I'd bring a topic up, he'd argue against it just to be antagonistic, but after a couple of days he'd say something along the lines of, "I was thinking back to what you said about x and I had never thought about it that way," and the other day he emailed me something on the issue of trafficking and said how outraged he felt, I was like, "Yay, I'm having a positive impact" :D

    I did go out with a guy who found it difficult to get his head around the fact I was studying medicine but he was a bit of a twit in most aspects.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'm perhaps looking at two seperate issue here. Firstly, are blokes turned off by assertive or outgoing women. And secondly, are blokes turned off by women who are ambitious, perhaps career oriented, or considered to be (by him) of a higher social status than him, more intelligent etc?

    Incidentally, I think that the traditional housewife is someone who might be assertive in the house, but ultimately "knows her place" when it comes to anything other than the family and the home. I love that Simpsons where Homer goes, "quiet Marge, men are talking."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I like women with personality, not drones. Whether they do the washing up or not doesn't really matter, although it would be nice if she did, I like to think I'd help out. The same goes for them being ambitious and having a career, it doesn't bother me too much as long as they do have some ambition in life and a mind of their own.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I like someone who can challenge me and stick up for themselves.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My opinion is that in terms of just being up for something casual, most men would be into women who are outgoing, chatty, and a bit provocative. Particularly men who don't like making the first move, if only to avoid having to. But I think in terms of serious relationship material, most men in general still prefer the quieter, shy types, and dare I say it, girls with low self esteem, or girls that they consider "below" them in other aspects (relying on them for money, for example). I'm not saying that men are twats or anything like that, but I reckon most are instinctively attracted to this. I also think men are more easily intimidated by someone they consider to be above them, (be it looks, intelligence or social status) whereas I think women are more likely to be attracted by these qualities.
    If we are generalising, then yes, I completely agree with all of the above.

    My personal experience is that I intimidate guys. According to my therapist, it was due to the fact that I -unconsciously- put out a vibe of self-sufficiency, so blokes keep well-clear. I've been told so many times that I need to look more vulnerable in order to be approached...

    It's funny though, besides the obvious irony that I'd actually prefer to be with someone and really do have needs, you'd think being able to take care of yourself was something to be valued! :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I suppose people generally equate reliance with loyalty. If you don't need to be with someone, then theoretically, you're more likely to cheat. I think particularly in a long-term relationship, then that can be a desirable quality, whereas for something more casual, it would be a turn off.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nothing wrong with some woman being assertive, I think whether a woman turns me off or on is all about how she's being assertive. Nothing wrong with communication your needs and stating opinions and so on, but once you turn into being aggressive and arrogant that's a turn off.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've noticed guys are usually extremely attracted to my petite shy friends who look like they need looking after.

    I think some guys are put off me for being career driven and assertive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I suppose people generally equate reliance with loyalty. If you don't need to be with someone, then theoretically, you're more likely to cheat. I think particularly in a long-term relationship, then that can be a desirable quality, whereas for something more casual, it would be a turn off.
    Wouldn't it be the other way round? :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you mean by self sufficiency?

    When i was single i look for girls who are self sufficient, who can look after themselves. Maybe it shows value or somehting, but i find it more attractive and rewarding.

    Maybe these men are looking for a girl who is easy and thinks "putting out" is a way to keep a man.

    Trust me it is valued by the right people, don't change anything no matter what your therapist says.
    Thanks, it is rewarding to hear a bloke say that. Although my therapist did have a point ;) .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    bluewisdom wrote: »
    Wouldn't it be the other way round? :confused:

    I don't think so. But then I knew what I meant when I wrote it, so it made sense to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Putting out" IS a way of keeping your man :lol: :razz:

    Depends on the bloke though, I've known plenty who would have loved me to shut the hell up and stay home once in a while... and I've known plenty who loved the idea that their girlfriend was up in the centre of things giving opinions, not taking any shit etc. I do like a good generalisation once in a while, but it really does depend.

    I think the overwhelming majority are looking for someone to settle down and raise a family with, in the long-term, but whether that someone is the stereotypical downtrodden housewife is another matter entirely. Anyway, as has been said, once most women (meek and mild or bolshy and headstrong) have a house and family to keep ticking over they tend to run a pretty tight ship and make the rules for everyone - husband included!

    I must say, I hate the stereotype of "mistress of the 'ouse" almost as much as I hate the "chained to the kitchen sink" chestnut...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have just come out of a relationship after 3 years due to me 'not knowing my place':rolleyes:

    I'm not going to judge all men on his actions but he wanted me to become the little housewife once we became engaged in July this year and it's not going to happen.

    Listening to friends talking the needier they are the more they attract men but this doesn't seem to keep mens attentions for long.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think so. But then I knew what I meant when I wrote it, so it made sense to me.
    Well, I really don't know, maybe it's just me being thick :razz:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Silk wrote: »
    I have just come out of a relationship after 3 years due to me 'not knowing my place':rolleyes:
    That royally sucks. :grump:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm deffinately the type to stand up for myself and say what I think, my boyfriend enjoys cooking, shopping and me pampering him every now and then. It really works for us, he likes that I say what I think and don't just sit there with no opinion and I like the fact that he's a bit in touch with his feminine side and doesn't expect us both to fulfill 'gender roles'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmmm...

    In my opinion. I find both equally as attractive for both long-term and short-term relationships, when you first meet someone you are unsure who long a relationship will last anyway. If a women was assertive, but also very selfish and one sided, then yeah that would be a turn off. Why should anyone be more overpowering or assertive to thier partner, give and take should be the roots of things. I have old fashioned values. In saying that I mean, love, trust, honesty and caring for someone and not living by magazine influence, or as a shovenist. Equality works both ways, it's not a competition. Sometimes it would be nice for a girlfriend/wife to be submissive or unassertive and a man be in control as equally the other way round.

    I think couples should compete against the world together and not against each other.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't relate being unassertive with shutting up, doing the dishes, etc. Just that she does not complain doing it, which doesn't mean she isn't pissed about it and hail it out to you one fine day/breaks up with you etc.

    I'd like to be with an assertive woman myself one day. A woman who can hold her wit if someone is taking the piss out of her. A woman with an interesting opinion who's not afraid to voice it. Nothings worse than those "I don't know, you chose!"-girls (who probably even complain about your choice afterwards!)

    She does not mandatory have to make the first step (even tho I'd be impressed by that), but be assertive enough to give me an honest answer if I do (taking the step), and not mumbling some cheap excuse, etc.

    go, assertive women, go!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    go_away wrote: »
    so whenever I'd bring a topic up, he'd argue against it just to be antagonistic,

    nah, that's because feminism sucks :thumb:

    hehe, kidding! you got a real keeper there:
    "I was thinking back to what you said about x and I had never thought about it that way,"
    Wouldn't say that's a very common attitude, and I wish more people (esp. girls) were like that..
    bluewisdom wrote: »

    My personal experience is that I intimidate guys. According to my therapist, it was due to the fact that I -unconsciously- put out a vibe of self-sufficiency, so blokes keep well-clear. I've been told so many times that I need to look more vulnerable in order to be approached...

    hahahaha... I try to picture you in a club.

    *nervous guy, fiddling with his fingers coming up*

    "Oh hi, my name is grady. I erm... was wondering... erm... if..."
    "what? pay me a drink, awkwardly rub onto me on the dance floor and later take me home for a night of raunchy sex?"
    "...."
    "excellent... I take a Piña Colada please."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'm perhaps looking at two seperate issue here. Firstly, are blokes turned off by assertive or outgoing women. And secondly, are blokes turned off by women who are ambitious, perhaps career oriented, or considered to be (by him) of a higher social status than him, more intelligent etc?

    I think it depends on the bloke.

    I've known men who don't think women should be allowed to work, or have careers and who hate it (most of whom don't have jobs/careers theselves)... I've also known men who find it really sexy.

    You can't just say 'blokes' as in all men... Being male only dictates your physical body, not the exact way you think in my view.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think a housewife is unassertive, she just loves her man and they look after each other.
    :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :rolleyes:

    :shocking:

    oh no.. I don't think I did that right.
    I am not very good with the internet.
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