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standing up for myself
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is another settling into university thread I'm afraid, but rather than hijack Racheal's I thought I'd make my own.
I've been at university about 5 weeks, and now the original excitement of freshers week and things is over, where every just wants to get to know everyone, I'm finding it kinda hard. I've got a group of mates, but they aren't like minded to me. We tend to want to do different things each night, they usually just want to go to a bar, where as I want the big nights out the rest of the Halls go on, but as I don't know anyone else I usually end up sticking with them.
Also, I seem to have been assigned the role of the person who gets the piss taken out of them. It started when they pulled this joke about a guy that I was getting to like, that I stupidly fell for completely (yes it was as embarrassing as it sounds). It was only a joke, but it means that they always take the piss out of me now. I can take a bit of joking, but after a while it just gets too much. I don't know how to retaliate, not that I even want to really retaliate because essentially they're only joking. So I just either stutter some comeback and go red, pretend to laugh or argue back and then look like I've comepletly over reacted.
It's getting me down, sometimes especially when I'm in a group of people I can feel myself trying not to cry, and argh, it's just pathetic. But they do it all the time now, so I just say less and sit in my room more, so they talk to me less, and it's a bit of a downward spiral.
Sorry for the rant, but that's the other thing, there's no one back home I can really talk to: my parents would just worry way too much, and my mates just presume it's all awesome, so I guess that leaves here!
Any advice? I suppose I need to stand up for myself, but not in an aggressive way, just be assertive. Nooo idea how though
I've been at university about 5 weeks, and now the original excitement of freshers week and things is over, where every just wants to get to know everyone, I'm finding it kinda hard. I've got a group of mates, but they aren't like minded to me. We tend to want to do different things each night, they usually just want to go to a bar, where as I want the big nights out the rest of the Halls go on, but as I don't know anyone else I usually end up sticking with them.
Also, I seem to have been assigned the role of the person who gets the piss taken out of them. It started when they pulled this joke about a guy that I was getting to like, that I stupidly fell for completely (yes it was as embarrassing as it sounds). It was only a joke, but it means that they always take the piss out of me now. I can take a bit of joking, but after a while it just gets too much. I don't know how to retaliate, not that I even want to really retaliate because essentially they're only joking. So I just either stutter some comeback and go red, pretend to laugh or argue back and then look like I've comepletly over reacted.
It's getting me down, sometimes especially when I'm in a group of people I can feel myself trying not to cry, and argh, it's just pathetic. But they do it all the time now, so I just say less and sit in my room more, so they talk to me less, and it's a bit of a downward spiral.
Sorry for the rant, but that's the other thing, there's no one back home I can really talk to: my parents would just worry way too much, and my mates just presume it's all awesome, so I guess that leaves here!
Any advice? I suppose I need to stand up for myself, but not in an aggressive way, just be assertive. Nooo idea how though
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Comments
:yes: Although it's probably comforting to have some people to hang out with in those early weeks, you needn't let them restrict you from getting stuck into the things you went to uni for. Maybe you could pop along to the union offices to find out if they need any extra help with anything? It might be a way to get involved or find out more about upcoming events. Also, have you joined your uni's facebook group/network if it has one? There might be groups within that you could join or events/societies you could join that are well publicised online.
In terms of the digs at you, I agree with others that it's good to stand up for yourself and even though you've maybe reacted in a way that's led you to feel embarrassed in the past - it needn't continue to be that way as there are ways that you can build up your confidence - the BBC's get confident online course has lots of useful advice on this. Sometimes when people are different to the friends we usually make it can take a while to understand them and find your place within the group. Friendships can shift and adapt and perhaps these guys are potentially good people to know, but you're still in the early stages of getting to know one another.
Finally, it must be really tough not being able to talk to friends from home when things aren't going as well as you'd like, but perhaps reconsider talking to someone? You don't necessarily have to blurt out the whole situation, but sometimes it's good to rant to a friend when a specific situation if upsetting you as your best friends are the ones who will reassure you of your worth and just give you a bit of a boost.
Take care and keep posting
However, you should never allow others to stop you from doing what you want at university. You're spending a lot of money and taking on a lot of debt just to be there - you don't want to look back when you've graduated and think "I've wasted my time at uni". It only lasts three years, and final year students are all too aware of that fact.
I've seen you say that couple of times now and I don't think it's true. Everyone in my halls formed their own groups, they then moved in together in 2nd year and stayed together in 3rd year. Of course you make more friends as you go along but generally people stay together throughout the years.