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settling into university

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hiiii (again). Just want a moan really and any advice would be great.

I'm still having difficulty settling into university life. I feel uncomfortable living where I am. So uncomfortable I find it hard to go into the kitchen when people are there and get nervous about someone walking into the kitchen while I'm there which is completely stupid and pointless but it's making me avoid going out of my room to the kitchen and sometimes I just eat cookies in my room for lunch.

I've resigned myself to the fact that me and my flat mates will never be close. They arent particularly nasty to me; just aren't my kinda people. I try not to dwell on it too much but I am definitely the outsider. I say hello and try and appear reasonably normal in front of them but I always feel so awkward and just ahhh. When I bring my boyfriend over I always feel like we should whisper even when we're in my room and there is no way that they can hear us. I won't even get intimate with him in my university room because I just feel so uncomfortable when I hear people walking past my room outside.

Luckily I'm not a complete hermit and have made two best friends at university already which is positive I guess. One lives just downstairs from our 'flat' and the other across in the next building. We've all planned to move into a house next year already which I can't wait for. Only I find my paranoid feelings creeping back, like I have made these two great friends already and we go out together and stay in and watch girly films and even cook together in the evening (which is good because it encourages me to eat) but I keep feeling distracted by other things and feeling sad.

I feel sad about a ton of things without going too emo on your arses. I cry about my dad quite a bit and my bestfriends at uni know that my dad died but obviously not about the summer holiday when I was sent into hospital and that I self harmed and tried to kill myself. I dont know whether to tell them really. It's hard to explain to people you've known now for five weeks (though already feel close to) that when you are in a seemingly normal conversation with them or watching a film or in a club that you just need to escape to cry.

My boyfriend has pointed out a 'look' I do. Apparently sometimes I look away and I look really sad. He knows about eeeeeverything but it upsets me that I let it show. Plus I dont want to be seen as damaged.

Ohhh godd I dont know what I'm going on about really. I hope anyone makes sense of this bollocks. My self esteem while I've been at uni has just plummeted and I feel like such a freak.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Coming from someone who earlier tonight announced his deferral, it may seem slightly ironic that I'm about to advise you on the situation. But here goes.

    I was living in halls in Manchester. A very nice hall it was too. However, my own flatmates were dreadful bastards, it's safe to say. We were all blokes, there were four of us, and I was in Room C. Room A had this 25-year old postgraduate student who worked every night, and was away every weekend. Fair enough - the man's got commitments. But that doesn't mean he had to be a total dick to talk to. The man in Room B was worse. He was this repulsive little troll of a man. You could ask my German Shepherd to cook dinner in the kitchen, and he'd leave it in a tidier state. And you could get better conversation out of the Alsatian too. Worse, he had a bald patch on the back of his head. A man his age should have known better, yet he was a total cunt. What on earth he was doing living in halls at all, I don't know.

    I could go on, but you get my point. The strategy I started using instead was to be out of the flat as much as I possibly could. Get to know people from other flats in your block, and if possible, other blocks too. Also, make a request to the university (or whoever your accommodation is from) that, if a room becomes available in that hall, you be informed about it. It may be possible to transfer you to a room with more like-minded individuals.

    My self-esteem struggled at first, but as I got to know people from other flats, it started working. Whatever you do, don't lock yourself in your room and hide. I can tell you now that it would do you no favours. Rachael, you and me have had our differences in the past, but I genuinely wish you luck here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks, i have friends outside my block and i go to theirs but recently i feel so sad and like im a fraud
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh my god i look like a right idiot
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey dont be so hard on yourself, moving to uni and into halls is just such a massive life upheaval. maybe think about tellin your two friends about the self harm and stuff? for me it helped so much because it meant there would people there who knew the truth when i was upset. it sounds really good that you're cooking and stuff with your friends and gettin the girly nights going on. keep things in perspective and dont beat yourself up about it:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you just need to give it time. You've been through a lot but now things are getting back on track. I don't think you should tell your new friends the extent of what happened over the summer..that's alot for someone to take in when they've only known you 5 weeks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think your life will improve a lot when you get out of halls! I mean in halls, you are just thrust into living with people who you had no choice over.

    You're doing well though, I mean, you are not isolated, you have a boyfriend and have made some new friends. It's only October so you have only been at university for a matter of weeks.

    I'd say just keep on as you are, spend time with your friends and don't feel like you *have* to be happy, let yourself feel low sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lipsy wrote: »
    I don't think you should tell your new friends the extent of what happened over the summer..that's alot for someone to take in when they've only known you 5 weeks.
    Spot on with that one, Lipsy. There's a limit as to how much people need to know in the first weeks, maybe even months.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    Spot on with that one, Lipsy. There's a limit as to how much people need to know in the first weeks, maybe even months.
    :yes:.

    My uni friends don't know anything about my past, and neither are they going to until the point (if it comes - which atm I think it may do) where I completely relapse and I end up in hysterics one night. And that's only because my walls are too thin to hide it from them.

    I don't think you should tell them about the summer Rach. If you have a really bad episode and they ask, just say you've had problems in the past but don't go into detail because there's no point dragging up the past when it'll just upset you more.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katchika wrote: »
    I'd say just keep on as you are, spend time with your friends and don't feel like you *have* to be happy, let yourself feel low sometimes.

    thanks, i think i agree with that. sometimes i just feel like a fraud when i am happy.

    do you guys think my new friends would 'dump' me if they knew?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    do you guys think my new friends would 'dump' me if they knew?
    They don't need to know right now, Rachael - end of story. If they find out now, it may well scare them off temporarily. They may feel under pressure afterwards, however unjustifiable that may be. Nobody "needs" to know about this - but if you do feel comfortable telling someone, go right ahead.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    confusing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    confusing
    What I'm saying is - tell them if you feel comfortable doing so, but bear in mind they may, at least initially, not be entirely comfortable with this newly-acquired information about you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    do you guys think my new friends would 'dump' me if they knew?

    I don't think they would dump you although I can't predict how they would react. they maybe totally understanding/sympathetic or they may feel a bit overwhelmed/uncomfortable.

    It's difficult to explain but when you first meet new people they don't need to know everything about you..not straight away. People you have known for 5 weeks may seem like great friends now but you don't *really* know them. You will get to know them, then you can guage how they will react, if they are the type of person you can confide in etc. But until you really know that I don't think telling them the extent of what happened over the summer is necessary or a good idea. If you feel like you want them to know some of it incase you get upset etc..then fair enough. Of course the decision is yours though!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell them when you feel comfortable telling them. You aren't obliged to tell them at all. If they "dump" you because of it then they weren't good friends and you're better off without them, but telling them now would probably make them feel a bit uncomfortable like sg said.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lipsy wrote: »
    People you have known for 5 weeks may seem like great friends now but you don't *really* know them...
    Exactly. My sister's in her first year at university now, and she thinks the whole settling in process at university is quite superficial. I thought her analysis was spot on. Everyone's been thrust into this new environment. They're most likely in a strange new city they don't know very well, and they don't know anyone else there. In those circumstances, people will be desperate to make friends. Just about anyone will do in those first weeks. However, as sad as it may be, the people whom you meet in the first weeks at university are unlikely to be the same ones you've befriended by the final year. I admit there may be exceptions, but they're precisely that - exceptions to the norm.

    I'm saying this on the basis of what several friends of mine have been through. It's most likely going to be my sister's experience, and it most likely will be my experience. Unless you have the forecasting skills of Mystic Meg, you have no idea what the future holds. These people don't really need to know everything about you. It's always good to have some secrets - that way, you can surprise people when they least expect it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A pity I can't find you on msn anymore, but hey ho. Maybe I can cheer you up.

    Over here you don't live on uni campus, you live in 'halls' that are institutions independent to the universities scattered around the city, or you live at home, like I do, since vienna is my hometown and I have a hard time earning money to live on my own at the moment.

    The people who come here to study have to look for flats, often flat shares, even with people they do not know. Yeah, you heard right. And in 90% of the time they become good friends, even tho they have little in common and have no shared friends. Being shy is one thing, but sometimes you just have to hop over your shadow, like I told you a few dozen times before. I know it's hard, but didn't you ever try a new dish that looked a bit weird but was delicious in the end?

    I am pretty shy too, but sometimes I just push myself, getting into situation that make my heart race a bit too and make me feel a bit nervous, but nobody ever tore my head off yet. I am getting to know new people every week. People add me on those big network - facebook-like - site (i guess), that's just for students. I am explaining stuff to my collegues and they let me have their summaries they made of books. We exchange numbers, we go out all together, when we passed a big exam. Maybe it's a bit easier here, since there are just about 80 regular chemistry students in my 'class' (the people I started uni with at the same time).

    I remember cross-starting (starting in the 2nd semester) university 1,5 years ago, before we started talking. I was sitting in the auditoriums knew noone, understood jack, and was generally lost. Since life sucked at the moment anyhow, I got really depressed and went to uni less and less. Next semester I started over again properly and met all those guys who had no idea 'what is studying', 'what does an auditorium look like.' etc :p and felt much more familiar. It sucks to be left out in the rain.

    Little groups of people have formed, I think that's natural, but there are still those guys with just one friend or those who have problems finding a partner when you have to do something in pairs. DON'T BECOME ONE OF THEM. STOP BEING THE SOCIAL OUTCAST, or your uni life will gradually become worse and worse. It's so nice, to get calls from collegues, to be talked up and talk about each others weekends, or even reminisce the last weekend, because you've been out with them.

    I even try to interwine those little groups and try to bring them together, when we go out, after a passed exam. Always try to refresh contacts (yea, I used to see a few people, I hardly see anymore), become better with others and that's the energy and joy I have that brings me out of bed everyday in the morning from 6:30 to 7:30, to go there and enjoy studying.

    I feel your pain, rach, and I - luckily - haven't had a lot of shitty things happen to me recently. But I get to know people too, that have to work 3 nights a week besides studying, had friends and relatives dying recently, that crap up huge exams for the second time (and are denied to start the lab), that self-harm, that suffer from bulimia, but they STILL try their best to expand their social network and do not turtle or shell themselves in.

    I know the feeling, when you think you can't do anything, or others will ridicule you, weak self-esteem, but why can others do it? Why can I do it? Why don't people laugh about me or the others?

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    You are the only person who can make yourself happy. It's a devilish circle. you retreat, because you are afraid, you have little contact with people. that makes you feel outcast-ish, you are afraid those people think you are weird.

    BREAK THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. Nobody is going to talk to the little weird girl that creeps back in her room when strangers arrive. Every single person can do it. You are nice, good-looking, warm-hearted, empathic. Why should they dislike you? those illusions and issues just persist in your head.


    You know what has to be done, so take a deep breath and go!

    /e: and btw. this is my very personal opinion and others might disagree.

    Remember what your exboyfriend chris said when he broke up with you? I do not know the circumstances, but I can imagine that you strained him really, with all that stuff. Your boyfriend is not your whole life. You need friends too, you need to be balanced between friends and boyfriend. A dude can't be your b/f and your psychiatrist at the same time. Like I said before, it's only YOU that can make yourself happy. If you rely on him, shovel all your burden up to him, but never manage to lighten up, because you aren't willing to help yourself, you put a terrible big strain on him, become more dependent of him, and it will start to collapse once again.

    A friend of mine beat depression, uber-abusive girlfriend (not saying you are abusive tho lol) and med-addiction recently, so I am not totally unrelated to all that.

    I am sorry that I can't tell you all the happy flowery things like others do, but I have never been like that. I write this post 1:1 like it comes out of my head.

    So this post is probably a trainwreck of grammatics and semantics, but since I use the site so little I do not speak or write english anymore, so excuse my degredation of my english skills.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i didnt strain him and chris has nothing to do with this but thanks for bringing it up again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    i didnt strain him and chris has nothing to do with this but thanks for bringing it up again

    No hard feelings, hun, but if it's that much of an issue even after you have a new boyfriend I think that counts as 'repressing'.

    I did not accuse you of anything, but I think you know pretty well where I am coming from. I don't want you to drive down the same road once again.

    But if you do not appreciate my words, I will keep that in mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it isnt an issue I just dont see why you are bringing that up when it has nothing to do with university life. I appreciate everything else you've said but not particularly that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks to people who replied, just thought i'd say that i've made an appointment to see my personal tutor tomorrow about settling into uni so hopefully it'll help
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    thanks to people who replied, just thought i'd say that i've made an appointment to see my personal tutor tomorrow about settling into uni so hopefully it'll help
    As Mr Burns would say, excellent. You'll be alright.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just thought I would say that having been at uni about five weeks myself and having made some friends, i wouldn't 'dump' my new friends or be put off at all if i was told about their past! I think it would make us closer and would be glad to know they could talk to me if they needed to. Up to you what you choose to do but if you would quite like them to know so you feel less isolated then i wouldn't worry too much about telling them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks, i went to see him today and told him about two of my worries (missing a particular seminar sometimes to go to medical/therapy appointments) and also dyspraxia..then he asked was there anything else and i smiled and said no..then he said that hes told one of my seminar leaders about my problems in the past so it should be fine with him and thank goodness i was okay because he thought i was going to come in and say i've gone off the rails :blush: i haven't exactly 'gone off the rails' but i blatently cant say anything now.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    On the "telling things to friends" issue, my view on it is that if it has to come up, it will. I mean there's no need to "announce" to people things that are in the past (recent or not). If it comes up in conversation, I'd simply brush against the matter and not get into detail unless they genuily seem interested (interested, not curious).
    Good luck with everything...
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