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so confused about my break up - rant

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
We split up mainly because of her depression, and not being over her ex, both of which meant she wasn't able to continue the relationship because she wasn't sure about me any more. At one time it was amazing, she said it was the best relationship she'd ever had, had never been with someone who made her feel as happy, etc etc. And then in a relatively short space of time she just got even more down and it all went wrong.

Part of me feels like she can never really have meant those things, that she was kidding herself to make herself feel better when deep down it was never really true, and so I feel like I've been led on and used, not deliberately or maliciously, but still effectively conned into thinking that the relationship was something it never was or could have been.

Another part of me thinks that it was real, it certainly felt real, in which case I feel like I've been let down, because she didn't make enough effort to improve things, either for us by communicating better, or just for herself - always saying she wanted to do something to stop being so negative, like cognitive therapy (her own idea), but never actually doing anything.

The only way I can excuse those things - being led on, or let down - is to allow for it because of her depression and the whole ex thing. Because she's not over her ex she found herself constantly comparing me to her last relationship which was completely unfair, you should judge people on their own merits. The depression thing meant she could only ever see the negative side to things, this applied to lots of stuff in her life and eventually to me also. I don't doubt that it couldn't have carried on at the time we split up, but if I allow the depression to be the reason, then it follows that it's not really about me and her, just her, and that we've potentially missed out on an amazing opportunity, and I'm stuck wondering what might have been, or even possibly what might yet be, which isn't a very good state of mind because it seems unlikely. Of course it's no use trying to explain any of that to her, because she can only see the negative side of things, in her head there's no point to anything in her life whatsoever and it's impossible trying to reason with someone when they're like that, and in any case we've agreed not to talk any more (although I'm sure we will at some stage). I do feel that if she were over her ex, and if she was in a better state of mind, then she might realise how much we had going for us.

Alternatively, while I'm sympathetic towards her problems, things like depression shouldn't necessarily excuse people's behaviour, in which case she's basically just behaved badly towards someone who didn't really deserve it.

So many different ways of viewing it, none of them at all satisfactory, every one makes me feel bad, I wish I understood more. I wish she wasn't so messed up so that I could know more for sure.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just to mention that I do not write this post on the basis of being a professional. Even though I use the word depression as if such a diagnosis has already been established, no one other than a GP can actually diagnose.

    First, you didn't mention how long she waited when splitting up with her ex before getting into a relationship with you. If that wasn't too long, and if that previous relationship was a bad one, it might just be one of the reasons for the depression in the first place.

    As for her saying that she had a good relationship with you, it's hard to be sure what she mean, but I'd try to believe her. Even if a depressed person really loves you, realizing that you should cherish the good moments and focus on the positive sides may be a daunting task during the "down" periods. Even though they may actually be very aware of their depression, finding the energy to start dealing with it and working on the depression and on rebuilding a relationship can be very hard for some, at least with out some external (professional) help.
    As for getting help, that process may take a while for some. Professionals descripe being depressed/having psychological issues as being in stark contrast with the ideal of being successful and happy in todays society and is thus very often connotated with shame and guilt. Thoughts like "what happens if anyone finds out that I'm going to therapy" or "will it affect my future prospects" are far too common and could be the reason why she hasn't done anything with it yet.

    From what I read from your post, it doesn't seem that you pressured her to try to get help because she mentioned it herself, and that is a good thing. It's important to realize that seeking support from close family is good, but the task of actually seek help remains her and I hope you don't feel that you're responsible for her doing that.

    You also mention that it was all about her and not both of you, which is true to some extent. Being depressed is indeed a subjective experience, however it truly affects your partner who may feel betrayed or let down as you describe. You don't elaborate on how she acted towards you during the "down" perdiods but IMO, even though she can't help being depressed, the _effects_ of depression don't place justification on all actions.

    As a final notice try not let the feeling of "what could have happened between us without depression" overwhelming, from what I read this is not your fault. If and when she decides to go to a GP, and as she's getting better as a result from treatment she may realize her loss. Try not being to hard on her during this period if you are in touch at the time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, yes, certainly I had realised that she hadn't had enough time off from her previous relationship. They had been together seven years, and we got together only half a year after it had ended. In between she had also had a couple of very short flings with guys who treated her badly. What's more, she had begun the seven-year relationship only very shortly after her dad had died, when she was 20. Her boyfriend then was a very bossy and dominating character, and by her own admission it was something of a crux to have someone like that in her life in the wake of her dad's death. I think the reason she isn't yet over that relationship, which now ended over a year ago, is because she is pining for the stability that it provided her in her life.

    When we last spoke, I said that keeping in touch with her having split up was hard for me, because I was still hoping for another opportunity. She said that she didn't think I should wait, because she couldn't see there ever being a future for us. She said she didn't want to hurt me and that I should forget about her. She said she can't see us getting back together. She also said she can't see herself being with anyone at all, that she couldn't see any point to things. So again, is that about me, or about her?

    Maybe I should accept that she doesn't want me. At one point it was good, but then later she felt she wasn't sure any more. But nearly everything she said that she thought wasn't right about me for her was related to her ex. She never just accepted me for who I was. So many things got compared back. It could be that she just realised I wasn't right for her, but I can't help but think I didn't get judged in a very fair way and that if her view wasn't so clouded by other stuff it might be different. And if I do accept that she simply changed her mind about me, then it means that she made a very big mistake in demonstrating that she was so committed and I was led on a bit.

    When she was down I felt that she was so wrapped up in her own stuff that she didn't offer me enough support at the times I needed it myself. I had encouraged her more since we split up to try the cognitive therapy, and probably overstated it the last time we spoke because I realised I wasn't going to be speaking to her again for a while. I know it's not my responsibility and that it's up to her, so I don't feel guilty, but I do feel frustrated and cross that she won't do anything because it might make a significant difference.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tacs1895 wrote: »
    Well, yes, certainly I had realised that she hadn't had enough time off from her previous relationship. They had been together seven years, and we got together only half a year after it had ended. In between she had also had a couple of very short flings with guys who treated her badly. What's more, she had begun the seven-year relationship only very shortly after her dad had died, when she was 20. Her boyfriend then was a very bossy and dominating character, and by her own admission it was something of a crux to have someone like that in her life in the wake of her dad's death. I think the reason she isn't yet over that relationship, which now ended over a year ago, is because she is pining for the stability that it provided her in her life.

    To me that "chain of negative events" sounds like a predecessor to depression.
    When we last spoke, I said that keeping in touch with her having split up was hard for me, because I was still hoping for another opportunity. She said that she didn't think I should wait, because she couldn't see there ever being a future for us. She said she didn't want to hurt me and that I should forget about her. She said she can't see us getting back together. She also said she can't see herself being with anyone at all, that she couldn't see any point to things. So again, is that about me, or about her?

    I think everything up to the last two sentences would normally indicate normal breaking up excuses, like "I don't see me and you in the future etc...". However, her saying that she doesn't want to be with anyone nor seeing the point of anything might stem from a depression.
    Maybe I should accept that she doesn't want me. At one point it was good, but then later she felt she wasn't sure any more. But nearly everything she said that she thought wasn't right about me for her was related to her ex. She never just accepted me for who I was. So many things got compared back. It could be that she just realised I wasn't right for her, but I can't help but think I didn't get judged in a very fair way and that if her view wasn't so clouded by other stuff it might be different. And if I do accept that she simply changed her mind about me, then it means that she made a very big mistake in demonstrating that she was so committed and I was led on a bit.
    I can understand that you feel that she was unfair when she applied former bad experiences onto you. But don't let that knock you down, the chain of negative events earlier probably makes it quite hard for her to believe that positive things can happen too. Connotating the negative past with the future might lead to what I call a "self-fulfilling prophecy". If she doesn't get out of it, break ups like this might happen to her over and over again.
    When she was down I felt that she was so wrapped up in her own stuff that she didn't offer me enough support at the times I needed it myself. I had encouraged her more since we split up to try the cognitive therapy, and probably overstated it the last time we spoke because I realised I wasn't going to be speaking to her again for a while. I know it's not my responsibility and that it's up to her, so I don't feel guilty, but I do feel frustrated and cross that she won't do anything because it might make a significant difference.

    Afaik most depressed people do better after treatment. It's good that you overstated it, but you really can't do much more than that, she has to want it for herself.
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