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long and boring but need advice
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok first of all...it's me again!
Can't remember when I last posted but in case anyone who's read my posts before doesn't know, I had my baby on the 21st August. He's a stunner, really taken to motherhood and all that...but my ex (Ellis's father) is still being a manipulative twat and I'n not sure what to do...
I'll try and keep it as short as possible, but basically Phil has been pretty good with seeing the baby - the first week after he was born, Phil was seeing him every day for 3-4 hours before work. We got on like we used to as well; messing around, laughing, flirting, which was great.
After a week of that, he got jealous over my male friend coming over a lot. He was acting the typical jealous male but then said he knew I still had feelings for him, because I'd let slip that if I found out he was seeing someone, I'd get a bit jealous.
I asked why it was that when I get slightly jealous of who he's seeing, he assumes I have feelings for him, yet he gets jealous of my male friends but it doesn't mean he has feelings for me. He replied "I do". Then nothing more was said.
After that day he suddenly went really cold on me, only spending an hour with me and the baby before work and not always turning up when he said he would. This went on for a week, with him denying he'd changed and saying "ok, so I was wrong" when I asked why he thought I had feelings for him.
I've since found out that the change was down to another woman, who my ex had been out with once in the week that he'd backed off from me.
I found this out last Monday, when we'd arranged that my ex would come over and see the baby after he'd finished work. We'd arranged it on the Sunday, then on monday when I called to confirm it he said he'd made other plans. He flat-out refused to change his plans which made me trhink there was a woman involved; and he eventually admitted that yes, he had "a date" with the woman I mentioned earlier. I was so annoyed that she came before our son, called him and he put her on the phone. She told me to "move on". Patronising cow.
The next day, my ex was back to normal! He came over at 11am, I asked about the woman and he said he'd realised it wouldn't work between them and wasn't going to see her again. He said she "didn't do it" for him, but although he keeps making excuses whenever she asks to meet up again, he won't tell her he's not interested. He just ignores most of her calls and text messages.
We spent 5 hours together that day getting on really well like before, flirting, joking around etc and then I mentioned I'd been thinking about moving away. My ex said "shall we go away, just the three of us? be a happy family". I thought he was joking so I said we could never be happy, but he kept bringing it up and asking if I'd move away if he asked me to, then even asked "do you think we'd argue if we were together?" I said yes, he asked if I meant that and I replied that I did.
The next day I asked if he'd meant it when he talked about moving away with me and the baby and he said that he had, I also asked about feelings and at first he said "put it this way, I've got more feelings for you than I have for (the other woman)" then when I said that I was finding it hard to be just friends with him because of the feelings I have for him so I start arguments as a way of dealing with them, he said "I like you...and if we didn't argue I'd like you more".
He asked me to bring the baby over to his house in another town on Monday (24th) and said I could stay overnight, so I took all the baby's things and we ended up sleeping on the sofa together with the baby in his travel cot beside us on the floor, he seemed like he was trying not to get too close to me (we were clothed, by the way) but the next morning we went for a walk inthe park with the baby, came back and I had a nap on the sofa. My ex came to lay next to me and cuddled up, putting my hand on his with his face really close to mine. Then he turned to face me and started umm...pressing against me, saying he'd had to really work not to do that the previous night (I was sure he was lying, as he didnt seem to have any trouble keeping his distance!).
I got up, and after that he was really sexual and I felt really unconfortable. He openly stared at my backside, slapped it one time and even put his hand just underneath the top of my t shirt and felt my breast! Supposedly checking to see whether I was hot...
I was in shock athis behaviour, and had no idea why he was doing it, but laughed it off. He's not usually THAT pervy.
Things went so wrong after that, and this week I started so many
silly arguments to avoid my feelings and because I was sure he'd said all that stuff just to string me along. I asked him and eventually he said that the reason he'd said those things was to "keep the peace" and "because it was what I thought you wanted to hear".
Since then I've asked him to stay over at my house one night; he kept saying he wanted to but then made excuses not to, and he finally came over last night. He said he'd sleep on the sofa and refused to share the bed with me when I asked him to (I wanted to share fully clothed, so he could help out with the baby) and when I asked him why he wouldn't come upstairs, he said "I just don't want to".
I put on my arrogant hat at that point and said I knew that I could get him into ned if I wanted to, to which he replied that I really couldn't and that he'd never sleep with me again, saying it was because "of the way you are" (just before that we'd got into a row and I'd slapped him, because he said something really horrible about me).
We haven't spoken since, and now I'm confused. I was convinced he had feelings for me or at least was attracted to me, now he says neither is true.
Now, I'm assuming that he was just stringing me along and playing games, and he didn't/doesn't feel anything for me at all.
Am I right do you reckon? And if so, should I just cut all contact and forget about him seeing the baby; because he seems to see 'me' and 'the baby' as one - when he's pissed off with me, he backs off from Ellis too and there's no way I'm having that.
Help please...oh and sorry for the uber long post! Believe it or not, that's the short version :eek:
Can't remember when I last posted but in case anyone who's read my posts before doesn't know, I had my baby on the 21st August. He's a stunner, really taken to motherhood and all that...but my ex (Ellis's father) is still being a manipulative twat and I'n not sure what to do...
I'll try and keep it as short as possible, but basically Phil has been pretty good with seeing the baby - the first week after he was born, Phil was seeing him every day for 3-4 hours before work. We got on like we used to as well; messing around, laughing, flirting, which was great.
After a week of that, he got jealous over my male friend coming over a lot. He was acting the typical jealous male but then said he knew I still had feelings for him, because I'd let slip that if I found out he was seeing someone, I'd get a bit jealous.
I asked why it was that when I get slightly jealous of who he's seeing, he assumes I have feelings for him, yet he gets jealous of my male friends but it doesn't mean he has feelings for me. He replied "I do". Then nothing more was said.
After that day he suddenly went really cold on me, only spending an hour with me and the baby before work and not always turning up when he said he would. This went on for a week, with him denying he'd changed and saying "ok, so I was wrong" when I asked why he thought I had feelings for him.
I've since found out that the change was down to another woman, who my ex had been out with once in the week that he'd backed off from me.
I found this out last Monday, when we'd arranged that my ex would come over and see the baby after he'd finished work. We'd arranged it on the Sunday, then on monday when I called to confirm it he said he'd made other plans. He flat-out refused to change his plans which made me trhink there was a woman involved; and he eventually admitted that yes, he had "a date" with the woman I mentioned earlier. I was so annoyed that she came before our son, called him and he put her on the phone. She told me to "move on". Patronising cow.
The next day, my ex was back to normal! He came over at 11am, I asked about the woman and he said he'd realised it wouldn't work between them and wasn't going to see her again. He said she "didn't do it" for him, but although he keeps making excuses whenever she asks to meet up again, he won't tell her he's not interested. He just ignores most of her calls and text messages.
We spent 5 hours together that day getting on really well like before, flirting, joking around etc and then I mentioned I'd been thinking about moving away. My ex said "shall we go away, just the three of us? be a happy family". I thought he was joking so I said we could never be happy, but he kept bringing it up and asking if I'd move away if he asked me to, then even asked "do you think we'd argue if we were together?" I said yes, he asked if I meant that and I replied that I did.
The next day I asked if he'd meant it when he talked about moving away with me and the baby and he said that he had, I also asked about feelings and at first he said "put it this way, I've got more feelings for you than I have for (the other woman)" then when I said that I was finding it hard to be just friends with him because of the feelings I have for him so I start arguments as a way of dealing with them, he said "I like you...and if we didn't argue I'd like you more".
He asked me to bring the baby over to his house in another town on Monday (24th) and said I could stay overnight, so I took all the baby's things and we ended up sleeping on the sofa together with the baby in his travel cot beside us on the floor, he seemed like he was trying not to get too close to me (we were clothed, by the way) but the next morning we went for a walk inthe park with the baby, came back and I had a nap on the sofa. My ex came to lay next to me and cuddled up, putting my hand on his with his face really close to mine. Then he turned to face me and started umm...pressing against me, saying he'd had to really work not to do that the previous night (I was sure he was lying, as he didnt seem to have any trouble keeping his distance!).
I got up, and after that he was really sexual and I felt really unconfortable. He openly stared at my backside, slapped it one time and even put his hand just underneath the top of my t shirt and felt my breast! Supposedly checking to see whether I was hot...
I was in shock athis behaviour, and had no idea why he was doing it, but laughed it off. He's not usually THAT pervy.
Things went so wrong after that, and this week I started so many
silly arguments to avoid my feelings and because I was sure he'd said all that stuff just to string me along. I asked him and eventually he said that the reason he'd said those things was to "keep the peace" and "because it was what I thought you wanted to hear".
Since then I've asked him to stay over at my house one night; he kept saying he wanted to but then made excuses not to, and he finally came over last night. He said he'd sleep on the sofa and refused to share the bed with me when I asked him to (I wanted to share fully clothed, so he could help out with the baby) and when I asked him why he wouldn't come upstairs, he said "I just don't want to".
I put on my arrogant hat at that point and said I knew that I could get him into ned if I wanted to, to which he replied that I really couldn't and that he'd never sleep with me again, saying it was because "of the way you are" (just before that we'd got into a row and I'd slapped him, because he said something really horrible about me).
We haven't spoken since, and now I'm confused. I was convinced he had feelings for me or at least was attracted to me, now he says neither is true.
Now, I'm assuming that he was just stringing me along and playing games, and he didn't/doesn't feel anything for me at all.
Am I right do you reckon? And if so, should I just cut all contact and forget about him seeing the baby; because he seems to see 'me' and 'the baby' as one - when he's pissed off with me, he backs off from Ellis too and there's no way I'm having that.
Help please...oh and sorry for the uber long post! Believe it or not, that's the short version :eek:
0
Comments
But thanks for the advice anyway...
As for the 'problem', this is exactly the same bullshit that your other posts are. This guy just is. not. good. enough. The answers are going to be exactly the same as before, to get rid. Don't analyse what he's doing because it makes no sense and he's doing nothing but string you along playing games and being a fuckwit.
You keep saying you're breaking off contact, but will you ever say it and mean it?? Things won't change if you go away together the three of you, you've tried living with this guy and you've been around him plenty and it's always the same story. You don't want to be treated this way, it goes against your AND your baby's best interests.
I really think it's a good way for you to move away. With a lot of distance between the two of you I think you're more likely to get over him. You really need to do it. This situation isn't going to get any better. Ever.
Disagree - Sounds like you both need to move on IMO.
Oh, and yes, congrats on the baby
You need to keep you ex out of yours and your sons life. He really is not worth all the effort that you make and get thrown back at you. Tell him to not contact you, chnage your phone number and out a claim in for child support, the least he can do is provide for it. Cutting someone compleyly out of you life is a hard thing to do and will take time, but it for the best and I think deep down you know it.
Make your son and your happiness the number one priotity in your life. Because your not going to find it as long as Phil is still around.
Ballerina - he wasn't in my life until Ellis was born. I cuut all contact and for the month I didn't see him, I was happy. Then during Ellis' birth his heart rate dropped loads and my mum went to phone phil. She did ask if it was ok to call him (I'd said I didnt want him to know before I went into hospital) but I was so doped up on Pethidine that I just kind of nodded so she went to phone him! After that I was persauded to give him a chance to be a dad, gave him strict conditions that one step out of line and he'd lose his chance to see Ellis altogether, and to give him his dues he stuck to it. He's seen the baby almost every day for the past 5 weeks, apart fromt he few days I mentioned. Even when he went 'cold' on us, he was still seeing Ellis a few times a week, except for an hour instead of four.
He's taken me shopping during his breaks at work and has seemed convincing; although I do think that he was probably like that for the 6 months he saw his other son. I'm not expecting it to carry on this way for long, even though he says that he feels more like a 'proper dad' now than he has with his other kids - even that is an awful thing to say though...
I am definitely going to move away, I'm looking at property at the moment and may move down to Devon because my sister lives down there.
I applied for Child Support 2 weeks ago so just waiting for it to go through, and I'm definitely not as hung up on Phil as I used to be. I get slight feelings for him every now and then, but I honestly think they're more 'aww, he's the father of my baby' type ones than anything more substantial.
I'm not entirely sure why I wanted to know why he acted the way he did; I suppose it would have been nice to think he had feelings for me, so I can be the one to say I'm not interested. The important one here is Ellis though, and that's why I'm having trouble cutting Phil out of his life now that he's been seeing him regularly for almost a month and a half.
Part of me thinks I SHOULD do it now and not give Phil any chance to let Ellis down, but the other part thinks I should just stick with it and give him the benefit of the doubt?
I think if a father doesn't care about the child and only sees them for their own means then they have no right to be in their life.
He has no rights whatsoever. In this case that is a good thing.
The OP shouldn't be surprised when everyone around here tells her to read our previous replies because nothing has changed. The man is not worth your effort and you lovely baby deserves a shitload more than he will ever get from this waste of skin.
:yes:
Congrats on your baby but FFS, get shut of this bloke. How many times??
*grates teeth*
I believe if you claim maintenance from him he has a right to see your son but it would have to be enforced by a court.
Im sorry your ex hasnt changed a bit.
I have no new advice for you. I just think you need to cut him out of your life once and for all, although I know its never going to be easy for you. You seem far too tangled up n it emotionally which is such a shame as you know its NEVER going to come to anything good. Hes a total total fuckwit of the first degree and hes got you wrapped around his little finger.
Access and maintenance are two seperate things entirely.
And congrats my love, Ellis is gorgeous!!