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I guess I'm not that well after all...
Indrid Cold
Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
Since last December, I was feeling like things were somehow better. I don't know why. I just felt I was over some things, but in the end I guess I wasn't. Recently they've come back, perhaps because of the stress of the exams, perhaps on their own, perhaps because of the "help" my dad gave.
I don't know how to start, so I'll try the beginning. Much of this is old history, so I'll try to shorten it.
The thing is, since I was 15 and until a few years back, I was in a way on my own. My friends had left me, my brother had moved away, my dad the same and my mum was trying her best to give me worries I didn't have nor need. Aside from the "friends" and my mum, I'm not blaming anyone for these things, nor do I wish they'd done differently. This is just how it was.
Perhaps this is utopia, but I've always imagined young people, even outcasts like me, to have a group of friends they can share anything with, enough things going on in their life that would make them cry and laugh, crushes that lead to failure, crushes that lead to success and everything else. Both some good and some bad things. I admit this dream of mine was heavily influenced by movies, but (as anyone can gather from posts on this site alone) things like that do happen in reality.
But for me none of them did, except in very rare -and short- occasions. Since I decided that I wouldn't jump from the roof (neither then nor ever) things were pretty much always the same. No good things happening, and no bad things happening either. Nothing that would constitute a "life" (I keep remembering something one of my classmates used to write everywhere: "Live, don't just survive").
I was hopeful that something would happen before I finished school and I would finally find my way into living, but no such luck. Life remained as colourless until it was too late for that.
Now I'm 22. I'm feeling I'm getting near the uni stuff as well, but the big difference between this and school is that I can delay the end of this (please don't ask how, things are just that way here. I can delay it for years if I want to).
When I started uni I wanted to make a new beginning. New people, new "life", everything I needed to start living instead of just surviving. But that didn't quite happen. Almost 4 years later, although I do have people to hang out with and one or two that I consider friends, there have been no major good things and no major bad things at all. I don't feel like I've lived. Perhaps living in the way I wanted to is just a dream that I need to let go of, but I still can't.
Perhaps the reason I was feeling better in the last almost-year is that I realised I can wait. I don't have to finish uni just yet, I don't have to hurry at all, I can just take my time and do what little I can while I wait for a good chance. But I'm not so sure it's that way anymore.
For one, last June my dad had this whole conversation with me, that he sees me not caring as much about the studies as I used to, and that it's caused him to lose sleep and everything and all that. I know he was trying to help, but perhaps it's because of that that I've been feeling so much worse lately. I simply DON'T WANT TO FINISH YET. I need more TIME. If I hurried to finish now, I'd be doing it for him. He says that he doesn't want to see me doing something I regret, but the one thing I'm sure I'll regret is finishing uni before I'm ready to. And I can't tell him that, because I'd have to explain this whole thing above, and I don't want to have to explain all that to him, partly because he'll never understand and will just keep pressing me to do that because he "knows" it's best. I just want him to still be there and not care that much about me, but if I try to tell him that he'll just not like it. He'll have that expression on his face that I hate, that tone of his voice that I hate. He'll just be unhappy with the whole deal and if he's unhappy, visiting him won't be a good experience and so my life will be even worse.
In one sentence, although he wants to be a good father he won't be the way I need him to be, no matter which option I choose. If I tell him everything he'll (possibly unwillingly) take away everything that makes visiting him a good experience, and if I don't tell him anything (or not enough) he'll do the same unless I hurry to finish -and I'm simply not ready to do that.
Enough about my dad, or I'll make you think he's the cause of my problems, which isn't true. So suppose my dad had no influence on my life at all. Things still wouldn't be fine, because I keep thinking that I'm probably too old for the kind of thing I want. Perhaps I'm in the age where I should care about getting a degree and a job etc, but I just can't feel that way. I can't put behind me the fact that I've NOT LIVED, and I desperately need to LIVE, for fuck's sake. But what if I'm too old for this kind of thing? What if the "group of friends" I'm looking for doesn't exist, because people my age are the kind of people I don't want to become yet? I do have people to hang out with, but when we do we mostly talk about serious things. I want to just have fun, and I want some friends, and I want some romance. I want to feel like I'm something more than a machine that gets put in a school and finishes it, then gets put in a university and finishes it too. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm learning, but I'm just not ready to get done with this part of my life, NOT YET.
I think I need to have been a teenager ("have been" isn't a grammatical error), but I never was and I'm not a teenager anymore. I think that perhaps the people I'm looking for don't exist in my age, and the kind of romance I'm looking for doesn't exist either -the kind that doesn't have to do with what the future holds and where sex is a thing to be unsure about, not something that just has to be there.
Tell me, am I fool in still waiting for this kind of thing? Should I just grow up and forget about these things? Or am I just normal and I just have to wait some more? I've been waiting for 7 years for all these things, should I just accept they're not coming and move on? I've been trying to accept that, but I just can't. I thought I had, but I hadn't, and I just can't do it.
This is way much longer than I meant it to be. I tried to make it short, but couldn't.
And I have to add, that things aren't entirely bland. I've been to a couple of parties that I had fun in, and I do have at least one friend, whom I can trust and who has trusted me with something he considers to be a big secret. These are part of the things I want to live, but they're not enough, I want more. Maybe time is enough to bring that, maybe not. I just don't know.
I don't know how to start, so I'll try the beginning. Much of this is old history, so I'll try to shorten it.
The thing is, since I was 15 and until a few years back, I was in a way on my own. My friends had left me, my brother had moved away, my dad the same and my mum was trying her best to give me worries I didn't have nor need. Aside from the "friends" and my mum, I'm not blaming anyone for these things, nor do I wish they'd done differently. This is just how it was.
Perhaps this is utopia, but I've always imagined young people, even outcasts like me, to have a group of friends they can share anything with, enough things going on in their life that would make them cry and laugh, crushes that lead to failure, crushes that lead to success and everything else. Both some good and some bad things. I admit this dream of mine was heavily influenced by movies, but (as anyone can gather from posts on this site alone) things like that do happen in reality.
But for me none of them did, except in very rare -and short- occasions. Since I decided that I wouldn't jump from the roof (neither then nor ever) things were pretty much always the same. No good things happening, and no bad things happening either. Nothing that would constitute a "life" (I keep remembering something one of my classmates used to write everywhere: "Live, don't just survive").
I was hopeful that something would happen before I finished school and I would finally find my way into living, but no such luck. Life remained as colourless until it was too late for that.
Now I'm 22. I'm feeling I'm getting near the uni stuff as well, but the big difference between this and school is that I can delay the end of this (please don't ask how, things are just that way here. I can delay it for years if I want to).
When I started uni I wanted to make a new beginning. New people, new "life", everything I needed to start living instead of just surviving. But that didn't quite happen. Almost 4 years later, although I do have people to hang out with and one or two that I consider friends, there have been no major good things and no major bad things at all. I don't feel like I've lived. Perhaps living in the way I wanted to is just a dream that I need to let go of, but I still can't.
Perhaps the reason I was feeling better in the last almost-year is that I realised I can wait. I don't have to finish uni just yet, I don't have to hurry at all, I can just take my time and do what little I can while I wait for a good chance. But I'm not so sure it's that way anymore.
For one, last June my dad had this whole conversation with me, that he sees me not caring as much about the studies as I used to, and that it's caused him to lose sleep and everything and all that. I know he was trying to help, but perhaps it's because of that that I've been feeling so much worse lately. I simply DON'T WANT TO FINISH YET. I need more TIME. If I hurried to finish now, I'd be doing it for him. He says that he doesn't want to see me doing something I regret, but the one thing I'm sure I'll regret is finishing uni before I'm ready to. And I can't tell him that, because I'd have to explain this whole thing above, and I don't want to have to explain all that to him, partly because he'll never understand and will just keep pressing me to do that because he "knows" it's best. I just want him to still be there and not care that much about me, but if I try to tell him that he'll just not like it. He'll have that expression on his face that I hate, that tone of his voice that I hate. He'll just be unhappy with the whole deal and if he's unhappy, visiting him won't be a good experience and so my life will be even worse.
In one sentence, although he wants to be a good father he won't be the way I need him to be, no matter which option I choose. If I tell him everything he'll (possibly unwillingly) take away everything that makes visiting him a good experience, and if I don't tell him anything (or not enough) he'll do the same unless I hurry to finish -and I'm simply not ready to do that.
Enough about my dad, or I'll make you think he's the cause of my problems, which isn't true. So suppose my dad had no influence on my life at all. Things still wouldn't be fine, because I keep thinking that I'm probably too old for the kind of thing I want. Perhaps I'm in the age where I should care about getting a degree and a job etc, but I just can't feel that way. I can't put behind me the fact that I've NOT LIVED, and I desperately need to LIVE, for fuck's sake. But what if I'm too old for this kind of thing? What if the "group of friends" I'm looking for doesn't exist, because people my age are the kind of people I don't want to become yet? I do have people to hang out with, but when we do we mostly talk about serious things. I want to just have fun, and I want some friends, and I want some romance. I want to feel like I'm something more than a machine that gets put in a school and finishes it, then gets put in a university and finishes it too. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm learning, but I'm just not ready to get done with this part of my life, NOT YET.
I think I need to have been a teenager ("have been" isn't a grammatical error), but I never was and I'm not a teenager anymore. I think that perhaps the people I'm looking for don't exist in my age, and the kind of romance I'm looking for doesn't exist either -the kind that doesn't have to do with what the future holds and where sex is a thing to be unsure about, not something that just has to be there.
Tell me, am I fool in still waiting for this kind of thing? Should I just grow up and forget about these things? Or am I just normal and I just have to wait some more? I've been waiting for 7 years for all these things, should I just accept they're not coming and move on? I've been trying to accept that, but I just can't. I thought I had, but I hadn't, and I just can't do it.
This is way much longer than I meant it to be. I tried to make it short, but couldn't.
And I have to add, that things aren't entirely bland. I've been to a couple of parties that I had fun in, and I do have at least one friend, whom I can trust and who has trusted me with something he considers to be a big secret. These are part of the things I want to live, but they're not enough, I want more. Maybe time is enough to bring that, maybe not. I just don't know.
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Comments
Is it fear of what comes next? That you're scared that you're not ready to face 'the real world'?
I don't know, uni was fun in many ways but for some time now I personally have been longing for a more stable lifestyle that is nailed down by a more certain environment that work provides. Earning money, gaining independence.
At age 22, you're not going to get to live like a teenager anymore. There's however plenty of chances to 'have fun with the lads' and enjoy youth (you're still very young). You may regret having missed some parts of your life, but you can't put the rest of your life on hold in the hope of getting that experience. Plenty of people skip certain stages of their lives and do fine. They may expeperrience the world a bit differently but that can help them do better.
There's never going to be a moment where you're just completely ready to face change or move on. It's something that people tackle as it comes. Some may be waiting to change but it doesn't mean they're any better at dealing with it.
I'm personally with your dad, don't delay finishing your degree just because you can. Not if the only reason is that you're not ready. It's not really setting you on a good route in life. However maybe there's a reason for it that I'm not understanding correctly.
don't worry about missing life, you can easily recreate some of the things you missed.
So moving on it is, I've almost realised that myself. The problem is that I can't do it (as I said, I thought I had but I was wrong), at least not until I've had something to take the place of the things I missed (and nothing's there yet).
The way I see it, if I do hurry and finish while I'm not ready, it's certain that will be something I regret. However, if I don't hurry there's a chance that things will get better before I do. If they don't get better, and I finish late, I will regret it as well, but if they do get better I won't regret finishing late.
It's like this: One way leads to certain regret, the other leads to the possibility of regret. Possibility VS certainty, it looks like an easy choice...
I just want to say i admire you for writing that much about your life. it was really interesting what you put. there was many parts i felt i had to qoute as it strook me so much.the first bit was how you felt as if you haven't lived. i've missed out, in what i believe in a big part of my life as i have spent a long time in hospital due to my mental health so it saddens me to think that you feel this. but then i also thought, what part of life have you missed out on? what its your definition to this?because maybe you have high expectations of yourself which are tying you back from exepting that you have gone through these particular times.
As for finishing uni, sorry if i seem slow but what is the hurry? maybe setting small aims for yourself so you feel as if your ontop of your work?what are the things your thinking about to replace the stuff you've missed? do you think they can be replaced?
you also said about the things that dont seem to exist in your age, talking about your friends and romance. Maybe you need a quick change or a break from your daily routine to evaluate what YOU want for your future. you seem really mature and maybe your after something at a higher level than others whether this could be a good or bad thing.
Sorry i havent given much advice, i just thought writing the way i saw it could help. take care hun x
What part of life I've missed on, it's pretty much everything that goes on when you're in your teens. I was just "sitting outside" while everyone else had experiences, good and bad, and by the time I realised that it was too late (school was almost over).
And I think I'm feeling exactly the same way nowadays, the difference is that I can delay it this time until I find a chance/way to make things better. The hurry is what I was saying: pressure from my dad and the thought that I might be chasing a chimera (sorry for the cliché phrase).
The things that I've missed, I think I described pretty well. Just the thought that they're impossible to get anymore makes me feel really bad, the other day I was crying about that before I made this thread and again while typing it, when I got to that point.
As for how they could be replaced, perhaps similar things that fit the present (as opposed to the time I was missing) could work, but I'm not going to know unless these similar things happen, and they don't seem to be happening.