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What does she want from me?!?!? Doing my head in!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

i have situation with which a neutrals opinion wouuld be great.

Long story short; i was with my girlfriend for just about 7 years. During that time we were happy and had a superb relationship. we split a few time, once because of her and 3 times cos of me. we never cheated on one another, it was just each of us thinking that we should try and experience more from life rather than be practically married at such a young age.

well 3 years ago i left her because i got diagnosed with a serious health problem which i've got for life and i felt that i needed to focus on me. admittedly i was rash but i felt it was the right thing to do. we did talk but i'm very stuubborn and i insisted it was for the best.

then about 2 years ago she contacted me when the london bombings happened. my route to work is where the bombing happened and she left me a message crying that i should call. i did when thing around london were restored back to normal and she was still crying and saying things like she thought she had lost me forever. a week or so later she insisted we meet up and we had a lovely day together when we spoke about how life was treating us, etc. she asked me if i'd been with anyone else and being an honest person i said that i had had a drunken 1 night stand. she was visibly upset by this but said that it was ok cos i'd been honest. i did feel cheap after the one night stand. we spoke some more and had a great time together and she said that she couldn't understand how we could be so close after 2 years apart. i felt close to her too. almost like we'd never split.

we started to get closer and closer but not actually back together. we even started sleeping together when we'd meet up every 2-3 weeks. i felt that we were getting closer but i never put pressure on her. eventually i told her that i felt i was earning her trust and if she would get back together with me for keeps. she siad she would like to but couldn't possibly handle it if we were to split again. i said i understood and that i'd marry her on the spot to prove my commitment. we carried on meeting up every fe weeks and we'd get drunk and she'd tell me she loves me, etc.

a week or so after this i noticed that she was getting more and more distant. she suggested we have some time apart so that we could establish some boundaries. i respected her wishes and the time apart helped me gather my thoughts so i thought i'd write her a letter. i reminded her of the way she'd be really close to me 1 minute and distant the next. how she'd say she love me when she's drunk and how she'd never complain about sex whether it was me or her making the first move. i suggested that we stop going round in circles and either get back together or agree to have closure as we both need to get on with our lives. i left it a few weeks before calling to follow up the letter but she never answered my call. i don't understand why she didn't answer my call. i haven't called since but during that period i have lost 2 elder members of my family and realise how short life really is. i'm ready to settle down for good and she knows this. i want to be with her but i respect her wishes. i said as much in my letter. i told her that its fine if she doesn't want to get back together, she should just be honest with me and tell me and after some time has passed maybe we could become friends.

the longer that goes on without her contacting me the more resentful i feel myself getting towards her. i knew this person inside out but at the moment i feel like she is a stranger. whats going on? is she playing games? is she confused? any ideas? what should i do? be patient or should i itry calling again?

thanks in advance.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi all,

    i have situation with which a neutrals opinion wouuld be great.

    Long story short; i was with my girlfriend for just about 7 years. During that time we were happy and had a superb relationship. we split a few time, once because of her and 3 times cos of me. we never cheated on one another, it was just each of us thinking that we should try and experience more from life rather than be practically married at such a young age.

    well 3 years ago i left her because i got diagnosed with a serious health problem which i've got for life and i felt that i needed to focus on me. admittedly i was rash but i felt it was the right thing to do. we did talk but i'm very stuubborn and i insisted it was for the best.

    then about 2 years ago she contacted me when the london bombings happened. my route to work is where the bombing happened and she left me a message crying that i should call. i did when thing around london were restored back to normal and she was still crying and saying things like she thought she had lost me forever. a week or so later she insisted we meet up and we had a lovely day together when we spoke about how life was treating us, etc. she asked me if i'd been with anyone else and being an honest person i said that i had had a drunken 1 night stand. she was visibly upset by this but said that it was ok cos i'd been honest. i did feel cheap after the one night stand. we spoke some more and had a great time together and she said that she couldn't understand how we could be so close after 2 years apart. i felt close to her too. almost like we'd never split.

    we started to get closer and closer but not actually back together. we even started sleeping together when we'd meet up every 2-3 weeks. i felt that we were getting closer but i never put pressure on her. eventually i told her that i felt i was earning her trust and if she would get back together with me for keeps. she siad she would like to but couldn't possibly handle it if we were to split again. i said i understood and that i'd marry her on the spot to prove my commitment. we carried on meeting up every fe weeks and we'd get drunk and she'd tell me she loves me, etc.

    a week or so after this i noticed that she was getting more and more distant. she suggested we have some time apart so that we could establish some boundaries. i respected her wishes and the time apart helped me gather my thoughts so i thought i'd write her a letter. i reminded her of the way she'd be really close to me 1 minute and distant the next. how she'd say she love me when she's drunk and how she'd never complain about sex whether it was me or her making the first move. i suggested that we stop going round in circles and either get back together or agree to have closure as we both need to get on with our lives. i left it a few weeks before calling to follow up the letter but she never answered my call. i don't understand why she didn't answer my call. i haven't called since but during that period i have lost 2 elder members of my family and realise how short life really is. i'm ready to settle down for good and she knows this. i want to be with her but i respect her wishes. i said as much in my letter. i told her that its fine if she doesn't want to get back together, she should just be honest with me and tell me and after some time has passed maybe we could become friends.

    the longer that goes on without her contacting me the more resentful i feel myself getting towards her. i knew this person inside out but at the moment i feel like she is a stranger. whats going on? is she playing games? is she confused? any ideas? what should i do? be patient or should i itry calling again?

    thanks in advance.

    Wow - tough tale mate :(

    I would try calling one more time to see if you can get anywhere, but it sounds like she's wanting to move on etc and may possibly have met somebody else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel wrote: »
    Wow - tough tale mate :(

    I would try calling one more time to see if you can get anywhere, but it sounds like she's wanting to move on etc and may possibly have met somebody else.

    that is an absolutely fair point but we have always had a communicative honest relationship. admittedly since she started being distant it makes sense but i'm not an iunsecure person. it would hurt like hell if she was with someone else and i probably would never want to speak to her again because of her blatant disregard towards my feelings. i'm a very understanding person and ultimately want her to be happy but i do try and treat people the way i would like to be treated so i would never behave as she has done. my letter made it so easy for her to say ok lets just call it a day and both move on properly and maybe become friends in the future. it really isn't that hard unless she doesn't know what she wants or if my letter has shocked her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't jump the gun though, i know lots of girls where a wrongly placed word or a distant letter/text like you sent can make them feel like you're the one pushing them away.

    Just call her up and tell her straight, listen i love you and want to be with you, i need to know soon so i can move on or we can be together.

    Many people become stagnant when given such an option, it's not nice to say but it's hard to make that decision when someone is waiting for them, so afterwards say "i won't wait for you though" so they know it's not like you will sit there wanting them, you will move on and they will loose you if they decide not to be with you.

    This isn't a tactic to scare someone into being with you, it's moving that stagnant feeling onwards and making them understand what this means.

    I'm in the stagnant position right now, to make you see i'm not bias.

    The worst thing you can do is make assumptions, get it from the horses mouth.

    i would love to hear it from the horses mouth!

    i'll call her again tomorrow as i feel quite tired now. i'll probably say somthing along the lines of 'hi how u doing. i'm just following up my letter. i have just lost my aunt and uncle and really know now when they say life is too short. i love and want to be with you for the rest of my life. what are your feelings on this? not trying to pressure you just want to get my life back on track. i have feelings for you, if you have feelings for me too then we should try otherwise you should let me go.',etc...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i love and want to be with you for the rest of my life. what are your feelings on this? not trying to pressure you just want to get my life back on track.


    I would NOT say the rest of your life bit... following it up with something about not trying to pressure could be fatal as 'rest of your life' is about as heavy as it gets.

    Try taking the lighter option and see if it goes from there...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what should i say then. 'because we're great together'? we're soulmates?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yea that wouldnt be that bad. it might work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    can any female members of this board give me a female perspective on what may be going through her head?

    she still has loads of clothes here too, far too much to post to her so we will have to meet up at some point
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i did the best i can but im not a female so i don't know. i never know what to tell my girlfriend either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well she hasn't responded to your letter so perhaps she doesn't know what she wants? Maybe part of her does love you but had gotten used to you both being apart and so wants it to stay that way. Or perhaps she feels under pressure, knowing how you feel but not really knowing what she wants. Give her a call but don't start off too heavy...I'm not sure it will work out the way you want it to though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi all,

    i have situation with which a neutrals opinion wouuld be great.

    Long story short; i was with my girlfriend for just about 7 years. During that time we were happy and had a superb relationship. we split a few time, once because of her and 3 times cos of me. we never cheated on one another, it was just each of us thinking that we should try and experience more from life rather than be practically married at such a young age.

    well 3 years ago i left her because i got diagnosed with a serious health problem which i've got for life and i felt that i needed to focus on me. admittedly i was rash but i felt it was the right thing to do. we did talk but i'm very stuubborn and i insisted it was for the best.

    then about 2 years ago she contacted me when the london bombings happened. my route to work is where the bombing happened and she left me a message crying that i should call. i did when thing around london were restored back to normal and she was still crying and saying things like she thought she had lost me forever. a week or so later she insisted we meet up and we had a lovely day together when we spoke about how life was treating us, etc. she asked me if i'd been with anyone else and being an honest person i said that i had had a drunken 1 night stand. she was visibly upset by this but said that it was ok cos i'd been honest. i did feel cheap after the one night stand. we spoke some more and had a great time together and she said that she couldn't understand how we could be so close after 2 years apart. i felt close to her too. almost like we'd never split.

    we started to get closer and closer but not actually back together. we even started sleeping together when we'd meet up every 2-3 weeks. i felt that we were getting closer but i never put pressure on her. eventually i told her that i felt i was earning her trust and if she would get back together with me for keeps. she siad she would like to but couldn't possibly handle it if we were to split again. i said i understood and that i'd marry her on the spot to prove my commitment. we carried on meeting up every fe weeks and we'd get drunk and she'd tell me she loves me, etc.

    a week or so after this i noticed that she was getting more and more distant. she suggested we have some time apart so that we could establish some boundaries. i respected her wishes and the time apart helped me gather my thoughts so i thought i'd write her a letter. i reminded her of the way she'd be really close to me 1 minute and distant the next. how she'd say she love me when she's drunk and how she'd never complain about sex whether it was me or her making the first move. i suggested that we stop going round in circles and either get back together or agree to have closure as we both need to get on with our lives. i left it a few weeks before calling to follow up the letter but she never answered my call. i don't understand why she didn't answer my call. i haven't called since but during that period i have lost 2 elder members of my family and realise how short life really is. i'm ready to settle down for good and she knows this. i want to be with her but i respect her wishes. i said as much in my letter. i told her that its fine if she doesn't want to get back together, she should just be honest with me and tell me and after some time has passed maybe we could become friends.

    the longer that goes on without her contacting me the more resentful i feel myself getting towards her. i knew this person inside out but at the moment i feel like she is a stranger. whats going on? is she playing games? is she confused? any ideas? what should i do? be patient or should i itry calling again?

    thanks in advance.


    I think she's being distant for one of these reasons:

    She is confused about how she is feeling and possibly scared about getting hurt

    or

    She is feeling like it's time to move on after so long and she might still like you but she doesn't see it going anywhere

    Either way if you really love her I think you should let her know and then if she does knock you down at least you know you tried and you can move on. But if she says she wants to be with you as well then you can start to develope your relationship and that with her.

    Hope it goes well :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just tried calling but still no answer. i'm thinking of sending her a text message telling her i dont feel she has any regard towards my feelings, how my letter made it easy 4 her to give us both closure and then leave it at that and start moving on with my life. her loss.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    then go over to her house knock on the door. when she answers give her some type of flower.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dmdsexgod wrote: »
    then go over to her house knock on the door.

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    whats so funny thats how i make up with my girlfriend. and we've been together for 4 years.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if only it were that simple :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just please don't let yourself get too..... pathetic? sorry probably not the best word but it's horrible when you regret it later and it does not help the situation.

    Sorry better way is to say don't get too head over heels in the moment, just call her and ask her why she hasn't answered and you deserve some feedback from her.

    i know i do mate but she won't answer. i've known her for a long time and this is completely out of character. the girl i know would want to make things right. i want to make things right. saying nothing is not gonna make things right. just really infuraiting you know. you think you know someone and then they act in a way which is as if they have turned into someone unrecognisable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry for visiting this thread again but i have still had no call or any kind of contact and i am now ready to move on. she still has some of her stuff here and i'll probably post them to her tomorrow. was thinking of writing a note with it, something along the lines of 'sending these back to you cos they won't fit me.....' but i'm not sure if i should include something like 'i hope that you find someone to care for you and make you happy. it breaks my heart that it can't be me. take care, all my love always' and just put it to bed.
    i can't hate her and she was my first real 'love' i'm disappointed in her for not responding but i know i need to now walk away and get on with my life and stop shutting out girls i meet who obviously want to get close to me.

    any final opinions?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you're right. in fact my first instinct was exactly what you said.

    dunno why i thought about writing a note. i guess saying nothing does say more. should trust my first instincts more.

    cheers matt, how's your situation? pm if you want so the board doesn't get clogged up.
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