If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
crying and crying
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
a while ago i wrote to my dad's sister about why they all ignored us at the funeral..the reply i got was not nice.
'There were many emotions surrounding David's death and funeral. Deep distresss and, for me, anger and disblief at the way David had been let down- failed in fact- by his family....He was hurt Rachael. You visited him in the Home rarely..
The biggest question in his mind was WHY? He constantly went over what had happened and the question to which he always returned was 'What have I done wrong?'.
I hope too that you can understand the feelings of outrage and anger that it is hard not to feel towards those who put him through so much unnecessary pain and turmoil'.
I cant stop crying. I know she is wrong.
My dad had a brain tumour which changed his personality so considerably that my mum left him. He would have awful mood swings and was quite aggressive. My dad before the tumour was gentle and kind. There were still glimpses of that sometimes but most of it was gone.
My aunt and dad decided that my mum couldn't visit him in hospital and my brother was intensely agoraphobic as in he didnt leave the house in two years. So I had to go by myself. He would have epileptic fits in front of me and that is when the nurse drew the curtains around.
Eventually he was moved to a Home and I visited him but it began to become difficult when all he would talk about is how confused he is by my mum leaving him. She had explained this to him and I had attempted to but whatever you told him. He forgot.
See these are all my excuses when really it boils down to the fact that I am hated by his side of the family and oh of course I can keep in touch but why would I? The letter might as well have been written with blood. It's underlying with such venom. I am just so upset.
'There were many emotions surrounding David's death and funeral. Deep distresss and, for me, anger and disblief at the way David had been let down- failed in fact- by his family....He was hurt Rachael. You visited him in the Home rarely..
The biggest question in his mind was WHY? He constantly went over what had happened and the question to which he always returned was 'What have I done wrong?'.
I hope too that you can understand the feelings of outrage and anger that it is hard not to feel towards those who put him through so much unnecessary pain and turmoil'.
I cant stop crying. I know she is wrong.
My dad had a brain tumour which changed his personality so considerably that my mum left him. He would have awful mood swings and was quite aggressive. My dad before the tumour was gentle and kind. There were still glimpses of that sometimes but most of it was gone.
My aunt and dad decided that my mum couldn't visit him in hospital and my brother was intensely agoraphobic as in he didnt leave the house in two years. So I had to go by myself. He would have epileptic fits in front of me and that is when the nurse drew the curtains around.
Eventually he was moved to a Home and I visited him but it began to become difficult when all he would talk about is how confused he is by my mum leaving him. She had explained this to him and I had attempted to but whatever you told him. He forgot.
See these are all my excuses when really it boils down to the fact that I am hated by his side of the family and oh of course I can keep in touch but why would I? The letter might as well have been written with blood. It's underlying with such venom. I am just so upset.
0
Comments
Just ignore her. She's not worth the effort.
the funeral is hard to describe, just when you know everyone has been talking about you. i was what..eighteen and a hush fell when i walked into the room..and being glared at while i was reading my poem by who i thought were family friends then it being publicly announced that 'his family was the greatest sadness in his life'
i think its really fucked me up, it really has
i dont know, she seems incapable of understanding anything beyond the fact that he was her brother
When you're that consumed by grief, people often try and lift a little of any guilt they are feeling and try to blame others. When my dad died, my mum was angry at his side of the family because it was their relative who he was picking up from the airport. It was a small, tedious link, but enough to make her channel her anger at them.
By what you said, they didn't visit him too often, so she might be feeling guilty about that, and sees your side of the family as an easy target. She might feel that she let him down too, but because you're vulnerable at the moment, and reached out to her, she may have seen it as an opportunity to lash out at you. And depending on how you wrote your own letter, she might have seen it as an attack on her and she could be writing very defensively.
When it comes down to it, you and your family had your reasons for why certain actions happened, and you did them in the best interests for everyone involved. Because you're very hurt right now, I wouldn't recommend you write anything that you could later regret sending. Sometimes you need to give everyone time to go through the motions (including yourself). If you really wanted to write to her, leave something open, like you're sorry she is feeling that way at the moment, you believe that your side of things is valid, however, now might not be the best time to discuss it, but you are open to talk or meet up one day in the future. That way, you don't cut anyone off and don't give them any opportunities to say that you didn't want to see them (even if you feel that way).
It's awful to be feeling as upset as you are, do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better, and remember to be kind to yourself - you and your dad would have known the score.
my letter was handwritten so unfortunately i dont have a copy of it but it was polite, more expressing my confusion at how people acted at the funera. my dad died in december 2005 and i didn't imagine her to be so angry.
when my dad was in hospital and then later on in the home my mum was banned from visiting him and so i had to go by myself, i was offered no support from my dad's side of the family
and when my dad was actually dying and the social worker came over to tell us she put a formal complaint against the social worker
i think they knew the score, that he was very ill because my mum contacted the Home and was told that he was being cared for by a hospice nurse..you dont get cared for by a hospice nurse when you are the picture of health. they knew he was dying and didn't tell me or my brother.
i hate them
She is obviously a narrow minded person and cannot or will not see the situation through your eyes. Your dad that you loved so much, was not your dad near the end of his life, was he Rachael? He might still have been your dad physically, but mentally, he must have been a different person, and yeah, I can imagine it to be difficult to interact with someone that you feel like you barely know. and that's not even to mention the fits and his general ill health.
I think you're really brave and you should put his funeral and his ignorant family behind you. Remember your dad how he was before his illness. You have your memories, and that's all you need. xx
what part do you mean?
thanks ^_^ that is exactly it, he was a different person at the end of his life
Dear Auntie,
In your letter you invited an explanation which seemed strange as your mind seems firmly made up. I don?t understand why all the responsibility of contacting Grandma and Mimi has to lie with me. I?m sure if they had wanted to see how I was doing by now then they would have. Judging from how Mimi avoided me at the funeral I see no point in bothering her.
I cannot speak for my mum but can give my own thoughts. There is a difference between phoning someone for a chat about the crossword once a day and living with them. The brain tumour made him extremely irritable and verbally aggressive. According to a neurologist we saw, a person with the brain tumour takes it all out on the people who are closest to them. So whilst he may have seemed like the kind and gentle man he has always been on the telephone this was not the case at home.
You say that he could do nothing about the brain tumour but what you fail to recognise is that neither could we. The personality changes within my dad could not be helped and of course it was not his fault but his inability to understand human emotions would have got worse and I would have hated my view of him to be tainted because of the tumour. I prefer to remember my dad as how he was rather than what the brain tumour made him.
Of course my mum cares about him and she went out of her way to help him have a private room in the London Hospital. We both visited him as often as we could and he was absolutely fine with me and my mum but on the telephone I expect he was quick to criticise us for whatever reason. I don?t blame my dad at all for this. It was his illness that made him like this and not him at all.
Visiting my dad at the nursing home became extremely difficult for me. He was uninterested in my company and instead preferred to go over the same thing every visit and that was my mum and his confusion over why she left him no matter how many times it was explained and however many times I listened to him. Sometimes I would ring him and he refused to speak to me. The doctors were not allowed to tell my mum about my dad?s condition. I?m sure if I was allowed to know that his condition was deteriorating I would have spent every minute, every second with him. I remember visiting my dad at the Little Oyster and walking to a nearby bench with him to look at the sea. He was holding onto my arm and he fell over onto a resident?s lawn. His legs just could not control themselves and I had no idea why this was. He was ashamed and embarrassed at falling over in front of me which breaks my heart.
These ?constants? you mention are fixations. Because of his brain tumour, no matter how many times things were explained to him he would forget. I cannot speak for my brother but in his defence he was very ill as you know. When my dad would ring my brother at hospital all he would talk about was my mum. Because of his brain tumour, he was fixated on her and although my brother explained to my dad a few times that it upset him and didn?t help in his recovery. So although some days he was fine with my mum the brain tumour prevented him from moving on.
I?m assuming you?ve forgotten how often I visited my dad at Medway Hospital when you accuse me of never visiting him. I was the one who fed him from a spoon; I was the one to call the nurses when he went into another of his fits. It was scary to see and I felt alone. Me and my mum took in turns visiting my dad at Medway Hospital everyday. I don?t remember you offering to come with me to the hospital or ringing me to express your concern and to see how I was coping. Something I think you will never understand is how difficult it was for me and Martin to see our dad like this and it was not helped with the decision to not disclose information about his condition to my mum who could have explained what was happening to dad.
At the funeral we were treated diabolically. You hate my mum for leaving my dad and I understand this. What I don?t understand was why me and my brother were ignored. Did you know that traditionally the son of the deceased is supposed to carry the coffin? Instead you chose Rob, a wife beater who when my dad was well, detested. It upset me that my dad?s memory was so ravaged by the brain tumour that he could not remember this little detail about Rob . It broke my heart to see him sitting in the garden with this despicable man and laughing.
My dad was a gentle and kind man and it makes me sick that how people have behaved over his death. Do you really think he would have appreciated ?Uncle? (and I use the term ?Uncle? loosely in his case) John using the eulogy to have a dig at me and Martin? I still remember the words??the greatest sadness in his life was his family?. He had NO idea what sort of man my dad was and proved it by his thoughtful conclusion, ?a nice bloke?. I?d really love to give him a pat on the back for that. I wonder how long it took him to come up with that farce of a speech.
The whole thing stinks of hypocrisy; maybe you can ask Auntie Mimi how her relationship was with her father? Yet she walked out of the room at the funeral when I entered it visibly disgusted with the sight of her niece and nephew. Sometimes I look at photographs and you and Mimi look very fond of me and I believe long ago you were. Maybe the fondness stops as soon as I hit puberty. Who knows.
It seems to me that all this anger that is aimed at my mum who of course was not present at the funeral was instead projected at me and Martin. It sickens me that we were not introduced to his work mates from Spink and simply left to the side as if we didn?t matter. There seemed some sort of vow of silence going on and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. I remember saying ?hello? to the 'friends' outside of the funeral home only for them to ignore me to my face.
You really do not understand the relationship between me and my dad and it hurts that you pretend to. I am very much still ?daddy?s girl? and miss him every single day. He adored me and Martin which I can say without hesitation. The tumour consumed him mentally but he will always be our dad, no matter what he may have said on the telephone to you. I?m surprised that you don?t have the insight to realise that his criticisms of me, my mum and brother were intensified because of the brain tumour and instead took everything he said at face value.
When the social worker came to tell us that my dad was dying, I was adamant that I wanted to go there and see him but then it was too late. I?m sure you can relate to this feeling of wanting to be with him. It came as a surprise then when you chose to make a formal complaint against the social worker who came to tell us that our own dad was dying. We did have the right to know.
The things I have written in this letter are extremely personal and I have no idea why I?m opening up to you. But I?d appreciate it if you didn?t reply because the last one hit me pretty hard even though now I realise most of it was intended for my mum to read. I?d like to request that you hold all this ?anger? and ?outrage? inside this time like I have had to for the past two years. Not that you would care but I am in a pretty fragile state myself. So I?m sure that you can appreciate any sort of rebuttal from you will be shredded rather than read.
You say that we can keep in touch yet things will never be the same. I don?t want to write to a person who hates me out of politeness or as a formality. ?Look after yourself? pretty much sums it up, it?s what we had to do through out my dad?s illness and I?m sure I can continue safe in the knowledge that I?m not a bad person and am fairly adamant my dad would not have approved of how people have behaved. Yes he was gentle, kind and sensitive. It?s just a shame that these personality traits were not genetic otherwise we could still have had a relationship and share our memories of my dad.
While I understand your overwhelming sense of loss at losing your brother you have failed constantly to recognise me and Martin?s loss at our father dying. The lack of involvement with the ashes would have hurt me had I been religious. Just like my dad, I do not believe in god or the afterlife so therefore don?t believe I have to go to some place chosen by somebody else in Burton on Trent to look at a bunch of flowers to remember him.
Rachael
I would say something about how as if losing your father wasn't hard enough, to be treated as an outcast at his funeral - when you were actually this next of kin - just makes things harder.
The part where you talk about him and your feelings towards him before and after his condition sounds from the heart. The rest sounds bitter and vitriolic and does you no favours IMHO
Just don't send it all. That will, longer term, just achieve the same.
And yes, I can sense that you are trying to claim him back.
I would put something in there about how she should remember that he was your father. No matter what the bond between siblings, the one between children and parents is much, much deeper.
I do have a question though. Why was she the one who arranged the funeral? Why wasn't it his n-o-k - you and Martin?
BTW It should never have been a case of "invited" to be involved. Nor should she have complained that the SW spoke to you. In law you are his next of kin, not her. What happened with his will?
I know that is separate to the main issues here but you should protect yourself because it sounds like she would have no qualms about shafting you right now...
You should then write a rational one explaining what happened, how you are his child and should never have been treated so badly, and leave it at that.
I don't think you can win her around, but I think trying is something you need to go through before you can rest. Get the feelings out, be angry, be abusive, but don't send the letter. It has the same cathartic effect, especially if you do something as destructive as burning it.
Thankyou, that's a good tip. I feel like I've got a whole lot out. I've taken a few parts out so it's less offensive. Although I did keep in the part about genetics because my dad is nothing like them. My mum thinks that my Aunt wrote me that letter to get at her through me and she is probably right.
I hinted in the previous letter that I had depression and even gave her gift like sentences like 'my dad loved you very much, he talked about you a lot to me' and she comes back with something as nasty as that..it's all very confusing. I'll sleep on it and read through my letter again tomorrow I think. But thanks for your opinion. Sometimes I think I come across as the anti-christ when I get going
:yes: I don't think it sounds spiteful, and from what I gather they were pretty horrible to you so fuck them. The whole thing sounds terrible
Whether she wants a reply or not doesn't matter. Chances are she could get one and why place yourself in a position where you end up reading something even more offensive from your Aunt?
Of course, rach. There is nothing to stop you from ripping up the next leeter from her without reading it
Now that you are heading into my locale, if ever you need to blow off steam you know where I am!
ETA. OMG I just realised how that sounds. I mean a drink, not... you know...
ETA2 Although having said that