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Advice needed urgent!!

ok so i guess my story starts 5 years ago just before my 17th bday, there was this girl at school who was a really good/close friend of mine and unbeknownst to me had liked me for about a year, i finally worked this out and we got together,

she was my first real girlfriend the first girl i ever snogged the first girl who let me see her boobs etc all the major firsts except full blown sex, we were together for 2.5 years and we never went for it mainly cos she wasnt sure if she was ready although we loved each other a whole hell of alot, in the end we broke up not because we didnt love eachother anymore but because our lives were going in different directions, we had just finished our A levels and she was all uni and career focussed i hadnt done so well and was more than a little dissolusioned at the time and wanted to relax a bit get a 9-5 and have fun while i worked out what i wanted to do, i wasnt ready to go through the whole where is my life going where will i be in 10yrs time thing that she was thinking about,

so with much pain on both sides we split up but still stayed close for about 3 months afterwards, eventually though being around eachother became too much and we had a break from being so close, it was a break that got longer and longer until it lasted nearly 2 years, we both lost our first loves and our best friends and it took alot of getting over,

i never really stopped loving her and back on my birhtday i got a card from her as it was my 21st so i text her to say thanks and see how she was, we met up for a drink a few weeks later and it was like the 2 years of lost contact never happened, there was no awkwardness no silences we talked for nearly 4 hours catching up on life since then, she told me about the guy she saw last summer and i told her about the relationship id had that had ended a few months before, we both agreed that it was nothing compaired to what we had shared together, so we'd met up a few more times since, went out with mutual friends, and just generally hung out with no romantic stuff involved (although by this time for me old feelings were returning as i'd never really fallen out of love with her, it seemed like theyd been lying dormant for the last 2 years) appart from a bit of heavy flirting in texts and a night where we were both a bit drunk and really wanted to go for it,

everything was going so great until a few nights ago we were talking and she told me that she was still a virgin, i wasnt having had sex with my ex but said nothing as i thought it would hurt her, nothing more was said and we moved on to talk about other things, then later that night she text me asking me if i wished we had had sex, i said yes i did (which is true) and that i really wanted my first time to be with her, we kept talking and in the end i felt terrible i wasnt lieing exactly but i felt i was concealing the truth from her, i never ever lied to her and felt like i had to say something, so i told her i wasnt a virgin anymore on the phone, she was so cut up its undone all the bridges we rebuilt over the last 2 months or so, she wont talk to me much and she just says that she really wish i hadnt said anything,

I dont know what to do, she is my best friend and the love of my life so far, the thing with my ex was nothing it felt wrong and although it makes me feel a total bastard to say it when it happened i wished it has been my first girlfriend with me instead, now im worried ive lost her all over again, we are only friends atm but things were going so well and i was hoping for more, now im scared i'll never have her as a friend again let alone us ever being together again, :(
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow, you're not being unreasonable here - she is. Things changed between the pair of you, but for her to expect you to 'wait around' per se where sex was involved?! She told you she got involved with someone else, but things changed for her and her bloke as well as you and your then girlf.

    It's not nessecarily a bad thing, it's just part of life. People drift in and out of your lives but if she didn't make any effort to sustain what relationship you had be it friendship or whatever she cannot wish she stayed ignorant to what would have been an eventuality. (You sleeping with someone else - you are only human after all)

    What was she expecting in the two years when you both hadn't spoken? She obviously cares for you which is great as it's what you want but she NEEDS to realise that she drifted out and that you ended up meeting someone like she did however you took it further. It's over with and however much mulling she wants to do she can do it but it won't change circumstances.

    The important thing is you were honest with her, plus you want to be with her and being with someone and it ending plus her returning has only reaffirmed this. She needs to deal with this and not take it out on you when you've done NOTHING wrong.

    If she can't accept that underneath your apologies that her first love is still there, well unfortch you need to let the ship sail no matter how excruiciating it is.

    What have you said to her to reassure her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont think she expected me to wait around i think maybe it just came as a shock because we were so close, and did all of our firsts except this one together i think maybe it just took her by surprise, i know how i would have felt if things had been reversed.

    i told her that shes the only person i ever really loved and that after id had sex with my ex i felt so guilty like id cheated, even though we'd been split up for over a year, i always assumed (even after the split) that our first time would be together, then when she got a new boyfriend i gave up hope and after a few months of being down i picked myself up and felt "on the market" for the first time in a year. I've told her that Im still me I'm no different from the bloke she was in love with and the friend she's been getting on great with the past 4 weeks or so, maybe i should just give her time?

    my worst fear is that she will go out looking to lose her virginity and feel hollow about it afterwards like i did. i wouldnt want her going through that
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shitehawke wrote:
    i dont think she expected me to wait around i think maybe it just came as a shock because we were so close, and did all of our firsts except this one together i think maybe it just took her by surprise, i know how i would have felt if things had been reversed.

    Fair enough, but the pair of you both have to realise that sex is SUCH a small part of what makes you as a person. I mean, it didn't matter before as you wanted to be with her without sex as well as she did back in the day. I don't understand how it changes anything. It was an eventuality regardless if it was with her or not, she has to accept that.
    Shitehawke wrote:
    i told her that shes the only person i ever really loved and that after id had sex with my ex i felt so guilty like id cheated, even though we'd been split up for over a year, i always assumed (even after the split) that our first time would be together, then when she got a new boyfriend i gave up hope and after a few months of being down i picked myself up and felt "on the market" for the first time in a year.

    This is perfectly acceptable what you've told her. But generally, sex isn't the end all and be all of a relationship. The thing I think the pair of you need to focus on is how consistant you've been without it - that's pretty incredible. You've either been lovers or friends without sex. I don't know anyone who has been with someone and NOT slept with them. It's a really big temptation, but you both are quite admirable in your qualities, so good on the pair of you.
    Shitehawke wrote:
    I've told her that Im still me I'm no different from the bloke she was in love with and the friend she's been getting on great with the past 4 weeks or so, maybe i should just give her time?

    What did she say to all of this? I don't think you can do anything here mate if you really do want to be with her BUT wait.
    Shitehawke wrote:
    my worst fear is that she will go out looking to lose her virginity and feel hollow about it afterwards like i did. i wouldnt want her going through that

    I also don't know ANYONE who's had a great first time experience. Sex isn't always integral to your relationship and to reiterate you both have proven this. Although it's her body like it's your body and she can do whatever she wants at the end of it. You've told her you're here and always have been so the ball's in her court now. I don't see her going out to get pumped rotten as she wants to do it with you - from what you've told me - so who knows?

    If she has a crap first time with someone else regardless I think she'll wonder what the chuffing fuss was about and plus she'll have great sex with you to look forward to.

    But give her time, but reassure her you're not going anywhere if you're prepared for the wait.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll wait for her, The reason i think we never had sex was that she made it into a big thing, she always wanted it to be really special so was waiting for the right time, i was happy to wait for her and we fooled around and had plenty of fun without it.

    At the time she was a little un talkative and she was crying i think so she just said "okay if you want".

    Im gonna give her some space maybe call her in a few more days once shes had time to simmer down a bit, She always did take a little time to thaw after an argument, I'll let you guys know what happens, even if nothing ever happens between us again the easy way we have with eachother and the way we can talk about almost anything is well worth being friends for.
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