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dealing with mother

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My mum has had ME (otherwise known as chronic fatigue syndrone) since i was 4, and for much of my childhood, i was effectivly a young carer.

now, i live on my own, and my mum is living on her own in spain. My mum has had a very bad month, and hasn't been able to work, and thus has bills pilling up. I feel like i need to help her financialy, though, realisticaly i can't do that, as i'm living off £45 a week. But i feel really responsible for her, and i'm getting really worried as she can't claim benefits in spain, and as i'm her only child and she hasn't got anyone else.

she does do this guilt trip thing, but i really can't live in Spain any more, and she won't come and live back in england again. what can i do to make sure that she can still live if she has another bad spell...

and what can i do to stop myself feeling responsible for her...i keep saying to myself that i;m the child and she's the parent...but we've always had a very odd relationship...

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You and your mother need to live your own lives, and bluntly I think its maybe a bit selfish of her to expect you to come running to the rescue like that. In this country, where your mother has all the rights of a British citizen she would receive benefits and she'd be OK. Living abroad is only OK if there arent any financial constraints
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really understand what you going through because my mum has hiv and from the age of 14 i had to be the adult and take care of her, after a few years it all got to much and i had to think of myself and stop doing things just to please her. she now understands that i couldnt give up my life to take care of her and she's become more indepentent..

    I know its hard but your mum has made her choice not to come back to live in england but still expects you to just give up your life.

    you need to be strong and although its hard you need to let your mother work things out for herself, you have your own life to live and if you've cared for her for years while growing up its time you took care of yourself.

    Good luck..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why is she living in Spain? Has she directly asked you for help, or whinged at you about lack of money? How did she expect to get by in Spain?

    I don't know how to make you feel less responsible, but you're obviously not in any place to contribute at the moment. The better you get on with your life now, the more able you'll be to help her out in the future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how to make you feel less responsible, other than telling you that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MUM if that helps at all.

    She's an adult, and while she might not be as physically capable as some that doesn't stop her being aware of her needs and requirements. She needs to look after herself. You have had a hard time looking after her in the past and you need to make sure you put yourself first and try not to put too much energy into fretting about her.

    Stay in the UK, stick with your plans and keep in touch, but ignore any comments about money etc.

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you need to explain to her that you're not her responsibility and that you're unable to help her out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have said that i'm unable to really help unless i completly clear out my savings which i'm not prepared to do.

    We were living in spain together, and she had a reasonable wage coming in from landscaping gardens, but her ex really cleared her out and her new business hasn't taken off yet...but i think she thought that the ME wouldn't come back...but she didn't have a back up plan if it did.

    my problem is that she has no one, and if she had a fall or a car accident, i'm her next of kin, and thus it falls to me to sort it out
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your mother is living in a dream world to be blunt,

    when i was about 14 my grandparents got altzhiemers(spelling?), they lived 2 hrs away and we didnt get to see them very often.

    they would do stupid stuff like going out and leaving the doors open or buying huge quantities of things from bastard unscrupulous salesmen, like the time some coniving git sold 1.3k of fish to my nan. they were fiercely idependant and would deny there being anything wrong out of pride, but whenever things went wrong they would expect my dad to sort it out, he would end up driving up there at short notice to explain to the manager of a fish company why he cancelled the cheque for all that fish and wanted it collected, or some other incident, in the end he had to get financial control and take their cheque books away and pay their bills himslef and give them pocket money. in the end him and his 2 brothers made them move to 10 mins away,

    anyway my point is that your mother has made the choice to live in spain,

    if she wants your help and support then she has to accept that its gonna be strictly emotional, if she lived closer she would get benefits and you would be able to visit her and do a few more things for her without crippling your own life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she wants me to visit when she comes back from italy (yeah, i know she can't pay the bills, yet she's going to visit her boyfriend in italy) but i'm doing summer Uni type things so that i can get my business up and running, cos i need money! And she won't come to london, because it confuses her, for instance, she really can't use an oyster card! So, tbh i'm not sure what to do? do i just turn around and say, sorry mum i'm busy i have my own life too, or do i bite the bullet and go...and hope that i don't loose out too much...?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well if its just a visit would it hurt? if you really cant afford it tell her so. as long as she knows its just a visit and your not coming to sort everything out your coming to spend time with your mum.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    going, well, it's not really home, but going to spain is very stressful, because many places i go are filled with painful memories. Tbh, i can't afford to go, but even if she paid for my flights, it's all the extras that add up that i really can't afford. The reason she wants me to go is because she is really lonely, and wants some company. I know how it feels, because i live alone, and it's not always great...but i feel like i have to go because she's my mum and she's all i've got, and vice versa...

    it's a catch 22. I'm going to feel guilty if i don't go, and if i do i know i'm going to feel hard hit in the pocket...
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