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Eating Disorders

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey. I wasn't quite sure whether to put this thread in here or in Food and Drink. I've gone for here, but if it needs moved or whatever... I'm not sure if I've picked right, lol.

Basically, I'm wanting to hear from other people who used to have eating disorders about what their eating habits are like now. I used to be anorexic and bulimic but in the end didn't take anti-depressants or see the psychologist because by the time the appointment came up I felt like I was pretty on top of things. I wasn't severely ill by any means, but it did consume me. I never needed to be hospitalised or anything.

My problem is, unless I'm pushed by someone else, I don't eat more than a sandwich (always cheese and pickle) in a day and maybe little snacky things during the day. I don't get hideously anxiously about eating more when I'm with people if the situation comes up, but when I'm by myself I never do. I don't know if I'm consciously choosing not to eat more, or if it just happens that way because it's easier or whatever. Should I be treating this as a problem or not? I do worry about getting fat and though I am aware I am not fat right now, I geniunely believed I weighed about 20lbs more than I actually do until I happened to get on a set of scales, so have a pretty unrealistic body image. I don't particularly worry about the way I look or anything, and I'm not unhappy about my weight, so it's not really eating disordered behaviour, I don't think...

I suppose I just wondered if this is normal, or if other people have experienced this, or if I should be pushing myself to eat more. It's been about two years now or more since I've recovered from my eating disorder.

Any advice anyone can offer would be much appreciated.

Thank you very much.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ive been bulimic on and off since i was 16. Im now nearly 31.
    It doesnt control my life like it used to but i dont know if ill ever be able to say im totally free from it because it always seems to creep back in times of stress or unhappiness. It doesnt even seem to be to do with weight a lot of the time.
    I dont binge, I eat fairly well balanced and healthily. Im a healthy person, rarely get ill. I just have this demon that rears its ugly head now and again.
    I dont even think its proper bulimia because I dont have the binge part. Im not really sure what it is.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had an eating disorder from being about 11, and started getting better when I was 20ish. I'm now 26, and it's really only in the last year or so that I've been eating 'normally'.

    Even now, I still have reminders. I eat SO slowly it's a bit ridiculous, I eat odd things at odd times of the day, and even though I'm a healthy weight now, I'm still pretty thin, and I panic if I get too big, even though I know now that I'm not fat. I don't think it ever really leaves you.

    You will have leftover behaviours after the full-on stage of an ED has ended, but if those behaviours are unhealthy - if you're not eating enough, or if you're eating the wrong things, then you're still harming yourself and need to try and stop.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ive been bulimic on and off since i was 16. Im now nearly 31.
    It doesnt control my life like it used to but i dont know if ill ever be able to say im totally free from it because it always seems to creep back in times of stress or unhappiness. It doesnt even seem to be to do with weight a lot of the time.
    I dont binge, I eat fairly well balanced and healthily. Im a healthy person, rarely get ill. I just have this demon that rears its ugly head now and again.
    I dont even think its proper bulimia because I dont have the binge part. Im not really sure what it is.

    I'm pretty similar to this too only I'm now nearly 28 as opposed to 31. Mine is to do with weight BUT only in the sense that when I'm stressed out, I start to stress about my weight too. Transference or something like that I imagine. I don't think that these things ever go away completely. I've always been able to control it and so I've never made myself seriously ill. I don't think that I have the willpower. I also self harm occasionally. In the end they're all just coping mechanisms ... it's when they get out of control that the problems start.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to be really funny with eating things and in front of people, Ive had this since a child, I got really thin and blacked out reguarly, since then people keep pointing out that I haven't eaten or more annoying what I have, this then makes me feel really self consious and aware that I have eaten more than usual. I thought I'd gotten over my eating problems but every now and again they still creep back to haunt me. I dont like it!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you everyone for replying. I do wonder if I am slipping back into old behaviours. But I am very honest about stuff, so I'm surrounded by people who know my past and try to make sure I am eating. While this is very caring and helpful, it is stressful. Will the feeling of having put on lots of weight after eating something ever go away? That is a hard one. I feel pushed into eating and while I do sort of see the need for that, I also know how long I can go without eating and how far I can push my body, so I know that food is not really neccessary, at least not every day. I am sure that sounds stupid, but I am hoping that it maybe makes sense in a way to others?

    I no longer make myself sick or overexercise, because I would feel guilty for doing that to people I love, but since eating as much as some people eat is not neccessary to survival or even to maintaining a healthy body weight (which I am doing now), I see no need for it. I don't want to be thin (well, were it my choice I would choose it, but my body is my body and it is the way it is). It's not that. I can see how my body is more attractive now than it was when I was at my thinnest, but that doesn't really mean that I like it this way or something. Or maybe it is something else entirely.

    I once heard someone say that after you quit smoking, you are always an ex-smoker. I think maybe it is the same for eating disorders- it never quite goes away and never will. Not to say that we aren't worrying about the same things as many women worry about, but we know just how easy it is and just how good it feels to rectify the situation. Not that I am condoning eating disordered behaviour in any way, obviously I am not, but questions of healthy and your own safety don't really come into the equation, since if it did, people with eating disorders never would have got them in the first place.

    I used to self-harm as well and I did do that once comparitively recently, and now that I think about, I did purge comparitively recently, but I'm not interested in that stuff any more and I don't want that to be a part of my life.

    But eating lots (more than this one sandwich I am accostomed to) is harder to get on top of.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have otherexia nervosa according to one doctor. I can't be classed as anorexic supposedly as I don't fast and severly restrict and I'm not bulimic as I don't binge and purge, so he said I was the above. I restrict, not to the point of starvation but eat pretty much the same "safe" foods day in and day out. I try not to eat above 800 calories a day and exercise for far too long and burn off way too many calories than I should do considering the few I consume anyway. I've been like this since about 14 I think, but I'm getting better on my own. I did used to be alot worse when I was in college eating only 400 cals a day and burning off 2000 calories a day.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Breakfast is a total no, unless I am being pushed into it by someone else. I'm not too perturbed by it when I am, but I'd never do it by myself. Bananas are also a big no, as is yoghurt, spicy food (throwback from purging it- that really, really mings)... Basically I am comfortable with bread, cheese and sweet things. Stray too far from that and it's a problem.

    I wonder if an appropriate thing to do would be to see a nutritionist, but I don't want to draw my attention too much to the issue incase that turns it into a problem, whereas at the moment I feel that it's just unhealthy as opposed to eating disordered behaviour. Can you refer yourself to a nutritionist, does anyone know? Would I have to see one who specialises in rehabilitation of eating disordered people, or could I just go to a nutritionist?

    Vandahl- I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time at the moment. Try not to think too much about your actual diagnosis- to all intensive purposes, it doesn't matter whether you have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervous or an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Meeting the criteria for Anorexia and Bulimia is very difficult- to my mind, that is the reason why so many people can't get appropriate help until the situation is critical. Try not to make value judgements about your diagnosis. The feelings behind your eating disorder are as serious as those behind any other. Put your focus there. Good luck with your treatment.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mila wrote: »

    Vandahl- I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time at the moment. Try not to think too much about your actual diagnosis- to all intensive purposes, it doesn't matter whether you have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervous or an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Meeting the criteria for Anorexia and Bulimia is very difficult- to my mind, that is the reason why so many people can't get appropriate help until the situation is critical. Try not to make value judgements about your diagnosis. The feelings behind your eating disorder are as serious as those behind any other. Put your focus there. Good luck with your treatment.


    Hey thanks :) but I'm not worried really and all my issues with food aren't as bad as they were so it's all good. The only thing that annoys me if you have an eating disorder is that doctors, from what I have heard from people, are no good. They just don't listen and just want to put a label on you. I think doctors should be more awear of the psychological issues with it rather than just thinking "she/he is doing this to lose weight". Yes that is true, but there are generally a whole host of other reasons behind the disorder too and sometimes it's like they can't get their head around that either. Anyhoo rant over now *breaths deeply* :yes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have had problems over the last 18months with restricting. it started as a way of coping when i had to stop self-harming so much. But it soon took over. Nothing drastic. In 6months i went from the usual 8 1/2st to 7st13.(my body finds it very hard to get below 8st) Another 6 months and a lot of over-eating and bingeing and i was 9st2(the heaviest ive ever been).
    In Feb i started restricting again. I was down to 7st12 the other week and eating 150cals until 6.30pm, then id eat a meal but have to throw it back up. Somedays id give in to cravings then feel so guilty id have to try throw it back up, up to 3 times a day. I could never get it all back up though so un-did my hard struggle of not-eating
    This week i thought to myself that im making myself more depressed because i just couldnt do it good enough. 5'6, 7st12 and still too fat for size 8. I dont want my mum to notice. im sick of people commenting on what i eat at work. nobody will help me but myself.
    But, i cant beleive it,that night i suffered the most agonising heartburn, it was horrendous. Next day i still had the burning, and felt so ill driving home from work,i was shaking and sweating becayse my headache was so bad that i was hyperventilating. I was being sick into a bag while driving. Stopped at the doctors,and pleaded to see a doctor. She gave me tablets to stop my stomach making acid. Ive got to have blood test to rule out H.Pylori(a bug that causes stomach ulcers), but chances are ive burnt my oesophagus(food pipe). My money is on the 2nd because i can still feel a burning all the down from my chest.

    So, theres a warning. Just 4months of daily(and more) purging and ive done damage.

    Im now eating like a f***ing pig and it scares me. But no noticeable changes in weight yet.
    I will exersice a lot.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    aw sikorah. Doesnt sound like youre in a very good place at all :(

    hug.gif
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sikorah- All my love. I'm glad you went to the doctor about the pain, hopefully she will be able to help. If you can, be as honest with him/her as you have been with us and then they'll be able to help you properly.

    I had a friend who was bulimic for about six years and ripped her oesophegus (sorry, I don't know how to spell that word!). She can't be sick anymore, including if she is just ill because she throws up blood every time. It's very dangerous. I hope you'll be okay and that you can use this as a shock into getting better.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks. i dont want to take over your thread though, sorry!

    ouch-that must have been absolutely awful for your friend mila.

    i havent made myself sick since last week, but ive already started cutting down the calories. i just cant stop that, but its less damaging now though.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i eat normally; like every person. but i keep a balance...vegetables, meat, sea fruits and fruits. i forgot to mention cereals; they are the most important in my food regime. during winter i take vitamin pills. i take surbex T. there are other vitamin pills; choose the one you need. i took my pills from http://drugdelivery.ca/. if you vitamin pills then you can order yours from there.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi girlies i totally agree with al of you.Sikhora and mila i no you posted on my thread too.Does anyone know how skinny you have to get before your taken into a hospital? im 5foot 5inches.Wot bmi do you have to be?I m curious as im going to try to stay above it.I cant get taken in by the mental health act and be force fed.
    xxxx xxxx
    Good luck to everyone on here and if anyone wants to pm me your all more then welcome.
    Take care.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa in 2005. My eating disorder was never treated. In 2006, i was sent to rehab where i was told i had to gain weight or i would be asked to leave. Since i had given up my accommodation for rehab, i ate and ate and ate (they gave me a timeframe, i had to gain so and so amount within so and so amount of time). I gained over 40lbs :crazyeyes . In retrospect, i did need to gain weight, but the way they handled the situation was dire, nothing was addressed, i was just forced to eat. I left treatment in September and lost 20lbs within a matter of months. I maintained for a while, would purge every now and again and then i found out i was pregnant.

    I eat now for the baby and nothing else. I loathe food and am petrified about after the baby's born because i know the first thing i will do it desperately try to lose weight. I am nearly 22 weeks pregnant and have only gained 3lb. I am not sure if that is normal. I wish i had some words of encouragement or advice, but right now i loathe my body so much, and i feel so guilty for that because of the baby.

    Oh, and to the poster above, generally they won't hospitalise you unless you have a BMI of 13 or lower, but half the time they don't have the beds anyway. I was placed in a surgical ward (the only place they had a bed) for complications resulting from anorexia where the nurses were unsympathetic and told me i was a waste of a bed.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'm 17, i've had anorexia since i was 11. i also have depression and mild OCD. i reached my lowest point last year and was put in a psychiatric hospital (which had a special eating disorders unit, meant to be one of the best places in australia for eating disorder treatment and there is a long waiting list, so i guess in a way i was lucky to be there) at the beginning of this year to restore my weight, and i was there for bout 3 months. i missed on a whole term of school so i have to do my last year of school (we call it year 12 over here) over two years.

    i am currently a day patient there, going there for 2 1/2 days of the week and to school for the other 2 1/2 days. when i was staying there i had to have about 3000 calories a day, now im having about 2500 because i still have some weight to restore.

    my mindset hasn't changed much, i still hate my body, i don't want to get better and eating is a nightmare. i can't imagine ever recovering from this, i've been used to it for so long. but if i go back to losing weight then i won't be allowed to go to school, and i'll have to go back to living in the clinic, which i really dont want to do.. i want to finish school, become a doctor, make something of my life. but i dont think i can let go of my eating disorder..

    anyway that's my story.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been anorexic since I was 14-15, and I'm 19 now. I also had a period of being bulimic which lasted around 2 years, which crops up now and again under the guise of anorexia. I also used to be COE when I was a kid and at the worst time weight 9st 4 and was about 4 and a half foot tall.
    It began cause my boyfriend at the time said I as 'wobbly' 'curvy' 'squishy' those kinds of things. I was 4ft 11 and weighed 8 stone. Pretty normal, huh?

    Within 18 months I was 5ft 2 and 6 and a half stone. My BMI was 16.5. I'm not sure if that was my lowest weight or not, because after that I didn't get access to scales again. I grew taller over time, and I have had my BMI down lower than that, but I assume 90lbs was my lowest weight. I was at school and my friend was anorexic. Neither of us really realised, we didn't even really discuss it. It was just a coincidence really. Occasionally we'd mention calories in food or something but we weren't like "anorexic sisters gang" type of thing. One day I got called into the head of years office and was grilled down to the bone about it. He accused me of making my friend worse, and told me that I was going to die. (Great stuff, hey?) Every bloody day I ended up being dragged into that office, and then I began to binge eat. Around the same time of 'crossing the line' my body began to show signs of the damage I had done. I've had kidney stones/renal colic 8 times. During my AS exams I had a kidney stone and was taken from the hall crying and screaming in pain. Then off to the same old office again where I was screaming in agony for them to just send me home so I can go to the hospital. Cue some more X-rays, people ushering my tiny skeletal little body around the hospital in an oversize XS hospital gown. Blood tests. etc.etc. blah blah. Got an A for the exam though...

    Ironically it was only when I started to gain weight from binge eating that I was put into the clinic. I was 5ft 4 and 9st 2. I lost some weight through the clinic, and was on my way to becoming normal again. I had a 'perfect' BMI but still hated my body. I eventually stopped turning up to meetings (I was then having to go to the hospital twice a week for a psychiatrist and a therapist) because they always accused me of not trying, and started with the 'you're going to die' talk. After 2 weeks of not turning up, they discharged me. My BMI dropped back down below 16.5. Never was hospitalised again though.

    Since I was 17 I've been on antidepressants - the max dose of prozac (sent me loopy, I hallucinated heavily and gained weight) and I'm currently on a 'standard' dose of citalopram. Antidepressants haven't helped. All they did was put me in bed for 9-10 months causing me to miss my 2nd year of sixth form. I still took the exams, and passed my exams with C,C,D. Not bad considering I only sat one year of classes.

    Currently I have no idea what I weigh though. I purge occasionally. Sometimes I'll eat a little too much, but don't binge. I starve occasionally. I still want to loose weight. I'm a size 8, but want my bones to come back out. I still struggle with it every day. I can't grasp the concept of normal eating. I still don't feel hunger and full up like a normal person would. I still suffer the side effects of being much worse than what I am....
    I have joint problems, prone to kidney stones and infections, am gluten and lactose intolerant, I have the concentration span of a gnat. I SI'ed all the way through,.. well, since I was 11, alogn with the depression. My worst scars come from eating related issues.
    The previous problems I've had:
    Fainting
    Torn oesophagus
    Kidney stones
    Kidney infections
    Joints seizing up
    No periods
    Acid burns on my lips and tongue
    Exhaustion where I can't get out of bed for days on end
    Not that I want them, but I probably can't have kids now.

    Eating disorders aren't glamarous :no:
    One thing my doctor told me is that I'll never fully recover, and anybody with a long term eating disorder always has a tiny bit of it left. I believe that totally.

    And for the record - kidney stones are quite possibly the most agonising pain you'll ever feel. Trust me!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, its really interesting to read other peoples experiences but very shocking and very sad.

    xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just want to say thank you to everyone for opening up here. I hope everyone (who hasn't already) can do the same with their doctor.

    I guess I should tell my story too...
    My eating problems started when I was 11. I felt like I was not as good as any of my friends- not as thin (this was true, but obviously not a problem), not as pretty, not as well-liked, not as interesting... all that stuff. I remember that.
    What I don't remember is that I started making a food diary and making rules for myself about eating and exercise. I have absolutely no memory of this- I know because me and my mum found the diary while doing a clear out one day. Thankfully by then, she already knew about my eating disorder... lol.

    I began self-harming when I was 12. I started purging when I was 15 simply as a way of being able to clear out my body and put more food in it. I could eat nutella and not be fatter for it! What a revelation...

    It wasn't until I was 17 that I started properly restricting. I guess my parents were in denial and I managed to go most days out of a week without eating without them knowing. Anything I did eat, I purged out until I was throwing up bile. I also skipped a lot of school to go the gym instead, about three hours of classes a day and some gym time as well.

    I stopped having periods which was an absolute joy because I hated them so much. I was never very sick- my lowest weight was 94lbs and I am 5ft 2".

    My parents took away my gym membership to make me stop going. I guess they must have started thinking something was up. That was when I was 18. I was taking a gap year and planned to go to South America with my best friend to build a school and teach English.

    Because of not being able to go to the gym, my weight must have gone up, because one day in October I got a period. I literally couldn't deal with it because it meant I was fat. I overdosed and passed out. My parents woke me up when they got home and a bit later I started throwing up. My dad came into the bathroom and saw all the bits of pills in the toilet and took me to the hospital. I told the doctors I was fine and wouldn't speak to them. The doctor told my dad he thought I had an eating disorder.

    February of the next year was my lowest point. I wrote to my dad on a piece of paper that I wanted to see a doctor because saying it out loud felt like betraying 'her'. I couldn't do that but I wanted help. I had been trying hard for South America because I wanted to go very badly.
    I saw my doctor who wanted to give me anti-depressants. She said she couldn't let me take three months supply of this to South America with me because she believed I would overdose on it. No assurance I could give her was enough.
    I had to tell the company I was going to work for that I had an eating disorder and they apologised profusely but said that I was a liability and they couldn't take me on the programme.

    I couldn't believe I was missing out on my life because of my eating. I didn't go to S.A. and my best friend had to go without me. She was angry but very understanding in the end. Everyone was. It was that which motivated me to get better. I didn't want to miss all the wonderful things I had planned because of my eating disorder.

    I didn't take anti-depressants in the end, because I wanted to get better all on my own. I wanted to do it for myself and not feel like prozac had done it for me. I didn't see a psychologist in the end because I didn't feel I needed to when the appointment came up.

    I too believe I'll never really be free of this. I think once you know being that way exists, it is always a constant thing not to fall back into it. I'm very afraid that I will never be able to have children. 'She' no longer controls me, but I know I can always fall back on it if I need to, and I think that's where the problem is. I don't know if that will ever go away. But I am healthy now and sometimes happy too. I'm glad I didn't die when I wanted to and that my eating disorder never completely got me.

    This has probably turned out quite long... I'll stop talking now.

    Love to all of you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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