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My brother and attempting suicide

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

Ok I've not posted for a long time but I know that this place is full of people who can hep me help my bro.

Basically Thursday night about 1am i got a call off him in tears saying he'd just tried to kill himself. He is in the channel islands working as a chef in a hotel at guernsey. He went over to sark and was all alone. He went to Le Coupe-a big cliff path that joins big and lil sark. He tried to throw himself over the railings but couldn't. He rang me as he said he needed to talk. He said it wasn;t first time he has tried ti do this and he always feels like life is pointless and he is uselss and a "prick" and a failure. He is not a failure-no way but he just said it would be so easy to end it and stop the pain.

One-from my own selfish point of view how could he do this to me-I love him so much and have always looked out for him. Took him to gigs, given him a social life he lost when he went pff being a chef abroad atc!

Two. now, what should I do? I rang him when he was sober but he wonh't open up sober so just agrees with you and says yes. He refuses to go to the doctors as he said "how can I tell them I am depressed they'll laugh at me and think I;m stupid" I said no but he just has this hang up about what others think-yet he always tells me I'm silly for the same offence!

It's destroyed my parenst and i can't talk to any of my friends so am relying on a website I am a regular on and I also rang samaritans. I texted him there number and am texting him lots, normal stuff and also reassurance about us missing him and loving him.

If he kills himself my life is over. I am already prone to drinking a bit much (I;d have two cans of beer when most would settle at one) so I know I'd descend into alcoholicness and comfort eat, lose my job. My parents are already rocky so would certainly divorce. dad wouldn't cope, mom would do a runner she told me. I can't live without him. He is the most important person in my life-more than mom, dad any friend or my bloke.

How can I help him? how can I also help myself as I can't cope knowning he is elsewhere, somewhere I can't get to realistically and I can't make him instantly happy anyway. I just think about him feeling bad constantly and wondering if I did something wrong, if I can help stop this

Please offer advice. I've looked at the help sheets on here-do you think i should send them to him? Sorry if this is a bit long and jumbled, I'm not quite coherant!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think as well as your brother needing to see a doctor you need to see one too, you sound very stressed and weighed down by this all. if you are not at ease in your own mind then how can you help someone else.
    i would say just let your brother know that you are there for him. you cant make him go to the doctor im afraid. just be there!
    my brothers fiance comitted suicide and i know the heartache it causes but try not to focus on how things will be if he did do it as he hasnt and its only stressing you out. dont stress about something that has not happened.
    i know its tough but you cant help your brother until you have got yourself sorted. you do sound stressed x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry you have been put in this situation... it must be so hard being relied on by someone you love when you are having to deal with it all as well.

    It must be quite difficult to talk things through with him on the phone... is it possible you could go and visit him for a weekend? Spend some time with him, try and get him to open up and show him (rather than texts etc) what he means to all of you.

    When someone is away from their family/friends and things get bad, it must be very difficult to find a way to deal with things... I wonder whether a visit may reconnect him with those that love him?

    Good luck...

    xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jowolvo wrote: »
    How can I help him? how can I also help myself as I can't cope knowning he is elsewhere, somewhere I can't get to realistically and I can't make him instantly happy anyway.

    at the end of the day you cannot help him unless he wants your help. you shouldn't have to bear the burden of this on your own - it'll do your head in. let him know that you're there for him but also encourage him to seek other, professional help. he sounds depressed from what you've said. do you think his suicide attempt was a cry for help? or is he hell bent on killing himself?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Try to put your own emotions to one side for a moment here. There are a few encouraging signs amidst these difficult times. Firstly, your brother called you and confided in you. Doesn't that tell you something? That's a very positive sign in my book. He trusted you, even in the darkest hour of his life. I think that's a profoundly powerful sign.

    Doctors do not laugh at people when they state they are depressed. Any doctor who does would find himself out of a job very quickly. His fear is completely unfounded, and I speak from experience. Your efforts to help him yourself are incredibly noble. However, you can not do this alone. I would certainly recommend sending him those help sheets you speak of, as a starting point. Encourage him to see his doctor - but sadly, there is not a huge amount more you can do.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know how hard it is seeing someone you love going through such a bad time and it is very difficult to stay strong. I think it is absolutely crucial that you and your family get the help you need in order to help your brother. It is true that your brother can only be helped if he wants to be. I think he either needs to come back and be with his family or someone needs to go and see him and definately encourage a visit to the doctors. Of course he is going to be worried about it, but he isn't thinking straight and will probably need lots of encouragement and support to make the decision to go. I hope things get better for you all soon.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if you knew what it was thats making him feel a "faliure" and depressed, may be you could work together on changing it?!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think I'd even thought about the fact I am stressed but looking at it-yes I am, I am actually off to a spa for a trip I won on Wed, so that may help me destress a little bit and if things don't improve I will go to the doctors and just have talk. I am going to rering samaritans monday or tuesday.

    Brother wise- I am thinking about going over-it may be better if I go than mom as it may appear a bit namby pamby (not my opinion but it's a macho environment he works in) if his mummy goes....where a cool big sister who loves a good party may not be so bad! Mom is ringing him tonight to chat and then I will see how things are at the end of the week. Also I can stay in his room as he has a spare bed so that would be good also. Keep an eye on him that way. I shall continue to suggest the doctors too.

    Otter: He said he has tried before and it stretches over a few years-I don't know whether he rung up in tears because he was annnoyed he couldn't do it or because he was scared of what he had tried to do. I think maybe it was a cry for help and I think he has tried to tell me in a roundabout way a week or so ago as he said he'd been depressed and his chef boss came and told him he needs to get out and relax. He then said he was ok-so I told him if he gets that way to get to the doc and get antidepressants. Maybe this was a sign I missed.

    Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. It is one of the hardest things I think I've ever been through and one I can't solve with a band aid or some antibiotics.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok just an update.

    I had an idea-when he comes back I may be ready to rent with the OH and we'd want a lodger we could trust to help afford this so suggested it and he seemed really positive. He says he may change career as is not sure he wants to be a chef anymore with the hours and stuff.

    Also I mentioned going over v soon and he said yeh cool, you could astop in my room-so he will think that is his idea and again feel positive about that hopefully!

    God I'm gonna be skint!

    I feel alot better after chatting to him tonight. He is still not sure about the doctors and I think we may be putting a bit too much pressure on him to go but I said you can always ring Samaritans and there is an online doctor screening website (I read it in WH smith in a book called depression for dummies, not sure if it is a good nhs apporved site but he seemd keen) so he could always try those.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its good to hear you're both bit more positive :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really sorry about your brother. I hope maybe I can help even a tiny bit. I have attempted suicide 3 times, and perhaps can provide you with an insight.
    Obviously I don't know your brother or his situation, but I guess that he is so desperate and his thinking is so skewed that he cannot think about the ones who love him. I hope you know it's not a reflection on you as his sister. I am sure that you love him completely, and would do anything for him, just as my family would, but for a depressed person, it's hard to see that; you convince yourself your family don't care anyway.
    For me, it wasn't about dying, it was about killing the thing inside me that made me feel like I wanted to die.
    All you can do is listen to him and provide support. The one thing I found frustrating when I was ill, was that people would listen and then say 'oh that's not really that bad.' Which made me feel even worse. How serious the problem is is less important than how serious it feels to them.
    I really hope he gets better, and that you can be supported too, at a time like this. Remember, you have done nothing wrong.
    Hope this helps a little bit.
    x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    attempting suicide

    My friend I guess most people don't realize it but if you kill yourself this time, next lifetime you'll be doing the same thing. You gotta break the habit somewhere along the line. and more over family support is most important for these type of patients. with out there support it's really hard to face this evil society.:chin:
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