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Emotionally abusive home and student loans?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My mother is a narcissist - behaves like she has a personality disorder - and has my only (older)sibling spying on me and they both treat me in the same way. My sister blames me for our mum's reactions to me. They gossip about me, spread things about me regardless if there's any truth in it, they both put me down constantly, invalidate me and tell people I'm the one with problems and act as though they need to look after me, they reject any possibility that they have caused/contributed to my problems, they have treated me like I'm stupid and incompetent my whole life even though my grades were far better than both of theirs and people outside my family routinely treat me very differently. Whenever I told my mum that things she says are hurtful, she says "I can say what I want" and my only thought was always "fair enough".
I believe this has contributed to my problems during my childhood:
-extreme shyness and very low confidence
-difficulty forming relationships with other students - the only friend I've had for a while also struggles with depression and anxiety
-before I made that one friend I was always making friends with people who took advantage of me
-eating disorders (which my mum tried to scare me out of) and depression throughout my teens
-dropping out of sixthform(yr12) three times
I am about to start an access course and want to go to university but I do not want my mum's support, nor do I want either of them to know where I am. They will want to know because they need me as their emotional punching bag and to let me know I need to be dependent on them.
I can't use my dad's income because he is a Jehovah's Witness and I'm gay so I'm sure that won't go down well.
I don't know what to do. Is there ANY way I can go independently? I'm so exhausted.
my gcses were A*A*AAAABBBCM if that's any help.
I believe this has contributed to my problems during my childhood:
-extreme shyness and very low confidence
-difficulty forming relationships with other students - the only friend I've had for a while also struggles with depression and anxiety
-before I made that one friend I was always making friends with people who took advantage of me
-eating disorders (which my mum tried to scare me out of) and depression throughout my teens
-dropping out of sixthform(yr12) three times
I am about to start an access course and want to go to university but I do not want my mum's support, nor do I want either of them to know where I am. They will want to know because they need me as their emotional punching bag and to let me know I need to be dependent on them.
I can't use my dad's income because he is a Jehovah's Witness and I'm gay so I'm sure that won't go down well.
I don't know what to do. Is there ANY way I can go independently? I'm so exhausted.
my gcses were A*A*AAAABBBCM if that's any help.
0
Comments
By the sounds of it your from England and I don't know much about the loan system there as am from Scotland, if your still at school or even if u aren't, can u go back to an old teacher and ask them for information, the only other thing I can think of is walking into a university and asking about funding and whats available, your grades look really good so am sure they will want to help as they will know you work hard. Sorry I can't be much help about funding, online might help as well,
Regarding your mother and sibling, that isn't right behaviour, no one deserves to be treated like that, it plays on ur mind and can really effect you as am sure you know, she can say what she wants, as anyone can but that's just nasty and uncalled for, the best advice I have is to try to ignore it, there being horrible and the more attention you give them over it the more they'll do it, hopefully ignoring them and not giving a reaction will make it die down a bit,
I do understand how hurtful this can be tho having had similar experience especially because it's your family, the other thing about uni is that u can move into student accommodation if that's what your planing to do that'd help, get away from them for a bit, means you cn be your self without looking over your shoulder having to listen to them all the time.
I am sorry to hear about your situation and do hope it gets better or at least less hurtful
sending hugs x
I think, in terms of student finance, for the means tested grant/loans, you will have to provide the financial details of whomever you live with, so that would be your mother and/or father. But you may be able to apply for the loans and grants that aren't based on household income (though you'll have to work out whether it's feasible). You can find the forms and guidance notes for an idea of what is usually asked when applying for student finance here https://www.gov.uk/student-finance-forms
I understand that you don't want your mother knowing where you are, but how would you feel letting her know that you hope to apply for university? She my put you down, but you can ignore that. Then you can try to include her in conversations such as student finance etc., to get a feel for how cooperative she may be. If she does fill in the forms, then she may know what university you are applying to, but she isn't going to know exactly where you'll be staying (different campuses, whether or not you'll live on campus or rent with other students etc). You may also find that your relationship with her may improve once there is distance between you both. It's probably still a good idea to come home every now and then for holidays, since unless your situation changes, your mother will need to fill in the forms for the duration that you are at university (often 3 years). Once you've graduated and can be financially independent, it will be up to you whether to keep in touch with family or not.
How is your relationship with your father? I understand that it may be difficult if he is a Jehovah's witness and you are gay but at the very least he should be supportive of you aiming for university. Maybe you could try talking to him about it? Even better if you can get him on your side because then you can work on getting your mother to cooperate as well, with the help of your father.
It sounds very exhausting to be in that situation. Have you had any support from say a counsellor at all? If not, it might be worth looking into counselling (schools, colleges and universities often have counsellors). They won't be able to solve the situation for you, but will be able to help you improve your self-confidence and resilience, which will help to counteract what you have been through.
Thanks
The thing is, as other people who know my mother can confirm, the relationship will not improve. She runs around in circles rationalizing or denying her behaviour (and so does my sister,) and if someone challenges them they only respond by amplifying the manipulation. When I told my father about my mum and sister, he was shocked and was trying to make me feel better and not alone. however, my mother always maintained the attitude that my father was completely at fault for their failed relationship and talked about him as though he was evil. So I have my father on my side, but he won't cooperate with my mother because barely anyone can.
Also, she does seem keen on me going to university, but what she does is try and keep me and my sister dependent on her. So she will find excuses to always be near me and try and control me.
(It sounds kind of paranoid, but it's true.)
*hug*